


Guardian Angels• Sons of Anarchy

by Angmar



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Acceptance, Disguise, Domination, Exposure, F/M, Fear, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, Lies, Loss, Loss of Parent(s), Love, MC - Freeform, Motorcycles, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protection, Rape, Secrets, Trust, Woman disguised as man
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-07-17 20:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 72
Words: 113,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16102814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angmar/pseuds/Angmar
Summary: After the death of her little brother, Alex is feeling restless. In an attempt to find closure, the former military joins the Sons of Anarchy. Since her brother spent his last hours with this motorclub, she hopes to feel his presence within the family he was willing to die for. While Alex blends into her new identity as Shane Brewster and pretends to be a man, there's one thing she'd not foreseen. She falls in love with the intelligence officer.Struggling with her feelings, the secrets of her new family and the ghosts of her past, she tries to keep her real identity to herself. However, danger of exposure is always lurkings.- Starts in season 4





	1. In the Arms of an Angel

Waking up filled with despair  
I keep on hearing your voice everywhere  
You chose to reach for the light  
From the moment you lost your fight

You've been taken away  
You were cut short in the midst of your play  
Never a chance to grow old  
You weren't given the chance to unfold

Shine, little star, go on shine  
Show us that you're doing fine  
And even in darkness, your light makes us see  
In the arms of an angel you're free

_In the Arms of Angel - Scrum_


	2. Prologue

"I miss you, little brother..."

Alex sat against the headstone, her thin T-shirt doing little to fight off the chill emanating from the cold surface. She looked up, hoping he was looking down on her. The sky was blue, with clusters of clouds here and there. They were so far away – yet still closer than he was.

"I really did it." She chuckled quietly. "Mila calls me crazy, but all I need to do now to remember your grin is to look into the mirror. It is much more than I could manage before all of this madness. You would have loved this."

Alex ran her hand over her head. She still had to get used to the feel of her new hair ‒ short cropped hair on the left side, with only a few locks of her dark blonde hair remaining on the right.

"I dunno what shitty things your friends got caught up in, but most of them have been sent to prison. Fourteen months jail time. They're at less than half the manpower now, so the garage could use a couple more hands. I got my motorcycle license by the way, and I bought a Harley. I’m hoping that I'll get the chance to prospect." She twisted the ring around her thumb. "It has been hard to keep myself from worming information out of them. Even though I know their answers will never satisfy me. Nobody knew you like I did; even if you count all those months we'd been apart."

She blinked away a tear. "Fuck, this is hard," she cursed to herself.

She hadn't had the chance to visit the grave of her brother often, and maybe it would have been better if she hadn't done it today either, but it would be the last time she would be able to. If a Son were to see her here, in front of this particular grave, it would only give rise to unwelcome questions.

With a grunt she stood up. Over the past few months she had done a lot of strength training, but her muscles still felt sore after her first day of work. "No one suspects anything, brother. All those hours with the speech therapist haven't been in vain either." She chuckled. "I’ve even been shaving my chin for weeks now, hoping the skin will become a little more rough. And that tight synthetic rubber top seems to be hiding my tits..." Out of reflex she rubbed her chest. "Well, lets just say I'm happy I don't have a D cup, but I will feel relieved when I'm home again, if you know what I mean." She shook her head. Once more she glanced at the name of her little brother that was carved into the headstone. "This is some crazy shit, bro. But I’m doing this for you. I'm afraid I'll break otherwise. That I will turn out to be a coward, just like mom. You'd never forgive me." She pressed the fingertips of her index and middle finger against her lips and laid them on the stone. "Love you."


	3. Welcome Home

"Yo, babyface! We're leavin'!"

The slap on something made of metal, had Alex pushing away from underneath the Nissan Leaf, as the car creeper rolled its way out from under the car. She wiped her hands on her overalls, put on her cut and walked to the van where Phil was already sitting behind the wheel. Miles was leaning against the passenger door, giving her an impatient look as she approached.

Kozik, Chibs, Rat Boy, and Opie were already standing near the bikes. Alex hadn't connected the dots yet, but she was going with them to the prison. It had been six weeks since Kozik had proposed her as an official prospect, and not much had happened since then. She still had to get used to the idea, and this day was the one she'd been nervous about. She imagined the toughest guys had been sent to prison and she was afraid they would think she was a pussy. Just like Miles did.

Miles wasn't exactly her best friend and sometimes she even got the feeling he saw through her disguise. He had grabbed at her breasts once when he was drunk, and she hadn't turned away quickly enough but she didn't think he remembered anything about that the next day. He however was still making comments about her not so rugged appearance all the time, and she blamed her new nickname on him as well.

It wasn't a cool one.

In the meantime she'd reached the back door, sliding into the back seat. Miles turned toward her with a smirk on his face. His lips were moving, but Phil found his voice just as annoying as she did and he turned up the volume of the music. Looking at the rear-view mirror, she thought she saw a trace of a grin. She bit back a thankful smile that was probably way too sweet and quickly lit a cigarette so she could turn her face away.

She had noticed how Miles was always trying to talk down his fellow prospects, hoping to be seen as the best; unfortunately Alex seemed to be his favourite target, probably because she was the newbie, still seeking her place in the club.

She was hanging around with the guys a lot, and even though nobody really bothered her, except Miles, she didn't feel a real connection to anyone either. The others had known each other for such a long time, and she was keeping a huge secret from them. Her expectations of the club had been totally different; her little brother had felt at home with these men. The few times that he had called, he'd spoken about a warmth he felt with them, one that they both hadn't experienced since their childhood.

Hopefully that was something that would change now. His biker family had been torn apart, after all. Soon they would be reunited. She hoped she would fit in with this family, that there would be somebody that she could be herself around – to some extent, of course.

She took a long drag from the cigarette as they followed the bikes out of Charming. She didn't really like to smoke, but they all did and even though she had been immune to peer pressure in the past, she didn’t want to draw any negative attention; mimic the behaviour of the others, that was her tactic. And up to now that had at least helped her to get a cut.

A bit nervous, she bit her lip. Hopefully the President and VP would see her to be an asset to the club as well. It would be very unfortunate if they told her they no longer needed her now they were complete again...

Alex helped unload the bikes from the back of the van. When she was done she went over to Kozik and stood next to him. Out of all the guys she'd met so far, she liked him the most. Since he had been in the Marines she felt a connection with him, even if he couldn't be aware of it himself. Alex had never told him anything about her time in the army, or anything else from her past.

During one of her first days at TM, she had been skateboarding in front of the garage, while he watched her from a distance. He had sat on a wall, with a look of nostalgia in his eyes that showed her he'd spent many hours on a skateboard when he was younger.

A sudden cheering dragged her out of her thoughts. She focused her gaze and noticed that the gates of the prison had opened to let a group of six men through. Alex had studied the pictures at the clubhouse, so she knew at least their names. A little nervous, she shuffled her feet, trying her best to pull herself together. She had to make a good impression.

Opie, Kozik, Chibs and the other prospects hugged the former prisoners enthusiastically, patting each other on the shoulder once the group had reached them. She clearly was an outsider, and she felt somewhat relieved when Kozik pushed two cuts into her hands, telling her those belonged to Happy and Juice. She had no doubt that he'd seen her discomfort and contrary to Miles, he wasn't making fun of her.

She stepped towards Happy. He had an attitude that drew all attention to him, so it was easy to find him in the crowd. Even with the happiness he was expressing now, she got the impression it was better not to piss him off. Ever.

"Hey man," she said, pushing away her uncertainty. "Welcome home."

She handed him the coveted cut and with a big grin he took it from her and punched her shoulder. "Thanks."

Before she could say anything else, Miles butted in between them to greet Happy with a hug. His provoking glance didn't go unnoticed, but she acted like she didn't mind his interruption and turned around to find Juice. He had just let go of Chibs, now turning to see her.

She swallowed with difficulty when their eyes met.

_Man, he's handsome._

She hadn't realized that when looking at the pictures. The tattoos that had been on his head were now buried beneath his short hair. Although that wasn't the biggest difference; he was looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. When he came to stand in front of her, she couldn't move a muscle for a few seconds. He was clearly waiting until she let go of his cut.

It took a moment before she realized his warm glance and dazzling smile had nothing to do with her, but were caused by the fact that he had regained his freedom after fourteen long months of captivity.

Even though the 'welcome home' had slipped past her lips easily when she'd given Happy his cut, she could barely talk now and she held out the piece of leather awkwardly, trapped by his beautiful brown eyes.

"You must be the new one," he said with a smile that weakened her knees.

"Eh... yeah," she muttered, desperately hoping that her brain would return. She was a boy, a man. She couldn't stare at him like this; so stupidly, longing for those muscular arms to wrap around her like all those other men around her were hugging each other. "I'm Shane," she managed to say.

"Juice. Good to see you."

His hand landed on her shoulder before he put on his cut, walked past her and embraced Kozik. The jealousy that violently invaded her body caused jolts of pain in her stomach.

Quickly she tried to regain her composure and keep a straight face, before Miles could notice anything. No doubt he would love to paint her as being gay and if he did, she could kiss goodbye to the club, any potential friendships and the promise she made to her brother. She had the feeling these men had quite an eighteenth century vision when it came to other sexuality other than "the standard" and even if it weren’t; she had no plans on testing her theory.

 


	4. Stupidity

Alex moved Opie's Harley forward a bit and knelt down next to it. Now that most of the mechanics were back, she was burdened with less pleasant jobs, like cleaning the bikes. She immersed the sponge in the water, rubbing it along the steel. Since this wasn't very exciting work, she'd put in earplugs that were connected to her phone so she could listen to some music. The volume was low, so she would hear someone coming closer. Still she was afraid to do something wrong, today even more than the days before.

The first club meeting was just finishing up, Chibs and Opie had informed the others of everything that had happened the last months that pertaining to the club. Kozik had introduced her right before the meeting had begun, and some of the glances from the others had shown her that Miles wasn't the only one who wondered what the hell she was doing here. By the lack of facial hair, her slight build and her womanlike facials traits she looked like a seventeen year old who was quite a late bloomer. According to her fake passport she was twenty, still eight years younger than she actually was, and since Kip had only been one year older, she'd expected nobody would make a big deal out of it.

Alex sat quietly around the bar; she wasn't permitted to attend the meetings yet. Not that she had much to say if she was able to sit in though. She was still trying to figure out the dynamics between the different men. Everything they did seemed to have deep roots, ones that she didn't understand yet. Of course she could ask her sponsor for an explanation, but she trusted he would tell her the things that were really important. Watch and learn, that seemed to be the credo here. She didn't know what Kozik had told the others, maybe that she had a steady hand on the shooting range, or that she was just obedient and easy-going, but nobody had sent her away.

Alex ventured back out to the bikes when the guys started to come out of church and got back to work, she looked over her shoulder when she heard footsteps. For a moment she panicked when she saw that it was Juice and she couldn't think of a reason why he would be seeking her out. Since her head was on the same level as his crotch, she quickly stood up. In the somewhat too wild movement she kicked over the bucket of water, the contents flooding over her foot.

As a reflex she shook the water off her foot, but lost her balance and almost fell backwards. Right before she crashed into Opie's bike, which would have caused a domino-effect down the line; Juice's hand closed around her forearm and kept her on her feet. With a face glowing so red that a strawberry would pale in comparison, she looked at him.

"Thanks. I think you just saved me from a very painful death," she muttered, knowing that damaging the bikes was a crime that nobody would ever be able to forgive her for. "Sometimes I'm so clumsy..."

It was true. As soon as attractive men got involved, Alex was definitely the clumsiest person that anyone could ever think of. But that was an excuse she couldn't use now, thus she had to let him believe she was  _always_  a clumsy idiot.

She wanted to rake a hand through her hair, as she always did when she was nervous, but halfway she remembered there was no longer hair on the side. She lowered her hand, frustratingly biting the ring in her lip.

Luckily Juice laughed about her stupidity. He didn't make fun of her or make her feel stupid for her actions, and it caused a torrent of warm feelings.

_He's really nice._

She started to wish that he had been kept in prison just a little longer, no matter how bad that might sound. The last thing she wanted was that smile of his to be the reason for her exposure.

"Well, I am blessed with an overwhelming appearance," he chuckled.

"Yeah, you’re kinda hot." She'd blurted out the words before she realized what she was saying, and when she did she wished she could just vanish.

He probably had to deal with a bunch of weirdos every day, but this behaviour from her – when she was still trying to find her place in the club, wasn't exactly something she wanted to stand out by.

"But I bet you've heard that on a daily basis, these last few months," she added, hoping to make a joke of it.

She bit the inside of her cheek, becoming very aware of the fact that she was only making things worse. Was there even words that could make her sound even  _more stupid_? Why not add those too... She felt herself start to sweat as his silence stretched. Juice held her glance, as if trying to figure out how the hell he should interpret her words. She knew how things were in prison, and it was easy to imagine someone looking like him would get quite a crowd, but since he'd been locked up with his friends she doubted that someone would really have bothered him.

"Well, my humor sucks," she said, in a weak attempt to defend herself. "Spent too much time with Miles, I guess. I'm glad you guys are back."

"Yeah... okay." He shook his head, frowning, although there was still a hint of a smile around his lips, as if amused by her rambling. "Well... I stopped by to ask if ya wanna put in some money to buy a wedding gift for Opie and Lyla."

"Yeah, sure..." Alex was glad she had a reason to turn her attention away from his face. Quickly she pulled her wallet from her pocket and pulled out a hundred-dollar bill. Hopefully that was enough. She hadn't received one of those well-stocked envelopes like the others did, and she wasn't earning much here.

Juice pulled the bill out of her hand, gave her a nod and turned, heading back towards the clubhouse.

Alex picked up the empty bucket, waited until Juice was out of earshot and heaved a very deep sigh.  _Way to go, you just made a complete idiot of yourself, Alex._

 

 


	5. Guy Talk

The beams of the setting sun shone down on the newly cleaned bikes. Alex put her hands on her sides and stretched her back, while looking at the gleaming vehicles. She'd done a good job, but there were still four more to go. Hopefully those could wait until tomorrow. Her muscles felt sore from being crouched down for such a long time and there was still a long night ahead of her.   


"Yo, loverboy. How about beer and pizza?"   


She felt a slap on her shoulder and a heavy arm settling around her. She turned her head and followed the arm, to see Kozik: watching her with a smirk.   


"As long as we don't have to take muddy roads to get there." She nodded to the cleaned bikes. Some of her brothers would surely find it funny to ride right through the muck.   


Kozik chuckled. There was something about the attitude of her sponsor that gave way to the idea that he was considering that option now.   


"Stop complaining, little one," was his response as his fingers messed up the strands of hair she hadn't shaved off. "You prefer to scrub the toilets? It won't take long before those are clogged again now that the guys are back."   


Alex pulled a face, though she didn't answer. The harder she resisted, the bigger the chance she would have to do it. "Wanna go to Cavura?" Alex asked, referring to the pizza place in town where they'd stopped before. "Or get it delivered?"   


"That's why we have you, huh?" He gave her a wink.   


Alex felt her cheeks glow. Now she was looking lazy. Maybe it wasn't even his intention she would join them for dinner, just her task to get them food.   


"Yeah. Sure. Should I grab the orders from the others?"   


Kozik chuckled and squeezed her shoulder. "Nah man, that would take too long." He let go of her and whistled on his fingers. "Pizza time!" He jammed his hand in his pocket and took out his key ring. "Let's see what they've missed more in jail; pussy or a good pizza."   


Alex took her Harley out of the row, sat down on it waiting until the others joined them. Nervously, she fiddled with the handlebar as she waited to see if Juice would come along. It was probably better if he didn't, that would certainly decrease the chance she would make a fool of herself again. However, she didn't like the thought that he stayed in the clubhouse to fuck some girl, since the last time he probably got any must have been almost a year and a half ago. Alex knew there was no point in feeling jealous about it. Just like all the others he had his needs and she knew there would be plenty of times she would have to watch him kiss other girls – or do even more private things. She had already discovered that her brothers didn't have any qualms about having sex in public places.   


Alex shook off the thoughts. Where were those coming from anyway? Why would she care about what he was doing with other girls? She barely knew him! Sure, he was good looking and had a beautiful smile, but there was no reason to panic just because he was going to eat pizza with them. Right?  


A little awkwardly, she scratched the back of her neck when Juice did walk up the parking lot, together with Tig, Chibs and Happy. Her face grew even gloomier when Miles joined them as well. Suddenly she really wanted to have dinner on her own, but she needed to keep up appearances, so she nodded to the men as they approached and waited until they had all left the lot before she followed them.   


* * *

"Man, I missed this so much."   


There was so much love in Juice's eyes when he looked at the pizza that Alex wished for a moment that she was the one on that plate.   


While the men talked about the shitty food they had eaten in prison, Alex ate in silence. She didn't know how to join the conversation and she got the feeling the only prospect they were seeing right now was Miles. He was making jokes and laughing, he really seemed to be at the right place. It was tempting to stay the silent spectator, but she knew she would never fit in if she didn't talk. And if she wanted to avoid being sent away, she really needed to step up. She tried to picture her brother around this table. How would he have sat here? What things would he have said?   


_In any case, he wouldn't have paid so much attention to his thoughts,_ Alex realized. She tried to focus on the conversation again while she chowed on a slice of pizza. She was starting to lose her appetite, but there were four more slices to go. She would have to finish all of them, what kind of a man wouldn't be able to eat a whole pizza? She glanced at Happy, who was talking now. He had a deep, husky voice.   


"She was good," he said with a satisfied grin.   


It took a few moments before she realized he was talking about a new Croweater that had sucked his dick right before he'd left the clubhouse. She smirked while he gave them a detailed description of all the others things he'd done with her.   


Eating the pizza was becoming more and more repulsive.   


Without realizing it, her eyes shot to Juice. Her mouth felt dry when he caught her glance, and for a moment she forgot she was only Shane Brewster in his eyes. To make matters even worse, he started to talk to her.   


"You already got a favorite?" he smirked.   


The question sounded so absurd that she choked on a mushroom. She coughed, grabbed for a glass of water, stopping herself from knocking it over at the last second. She took a sip of water and waved with her hand in front of her bright red face in a not so manly way.   


The men around her started laughing at her.   


"Shane wouldn't mind being a Croweater himself," Miles chuckled, taking a sip of his beer.   


Alex almost wanted to say that option was a lot more attractive after this day, but she ignored him wisely. "I have a girl," she told Juice.   


He nodded with a little too serious face, as if he found that hard to believe. "She hot?"   


Mila wasn't ugly, but she wasn't exactly the playmate type of girl that populated the clubhouse. They had been friends since high school and it had been her idea to act like she was Shane's girlfriend; it had been a crucial part of the plan. If the guys were paying attention and noticed her turning away the Croweaters she needed an excuse.   


"Yeah," she answered.   


"So you've been a prospect for six weeks now and you never fucked another girl?" Tig whistled next to her and looked at his friends. "That one is crazy." He turned to her again. "You'll get bored with her soon, you’ll see. That's just how it works. What’s your favourite position?" He slapped her shoulder. "I can suggest some of the girls, if you tell me what you like." Tig finished with a smirk, and she doubted that he was asking out of the kindness of his heart.  


Alex doubted her cheeks could get any redder. This was just awful. She would rather dodge a hail of bullets than eat pizza with these guys.   


"Well?" Miles insisted with a sickening smirk. Of course he was loving this. "What's your favourite position? Or is little Babyface still a virgin? Understandable; I mean, that girl of yours won't be able to get mine up either." 

 


	6. Feelings

Alex breathed in and out heavily. Anger and powerlessness raged through her, and this time she could no longer hold it in. She was sick of the constant cheap shots from Miles. She stood up and clenched her fists. For a moment she caught a glimpse of his sneering grin, then she grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face right into his pizza.

"Shut your fucking mouth, asshole. Don't you ever insult my girl again," she snarled, pushing his head deeper into the pizza on the table. "Don't take it out on me that your cut is the only reason girls wanna fuck you, how’s it feel knowing that you're their last choice now the others are back."

The others were grinning. She didn't know what they found funnier, that Miles' stupid face was pressed straight into his dinner, or Alex making a fool of herself by overreacting so much. She felt red patches creeping up her neck and she didn't know what to do next. Before she could make a decision, Miles jammed his elbow into her midriff; Alex doubled over as pain laced its way through her stomach. Chair legs scraped across the floor and the next moment Miles was around the table, storming towards her with a  fist flying to her face. Just before he was able to make the connection she warded him off with her forearm; following through by landing a punch herself; blood splattering out of his lip when her clenched fingers met his mouth.

Almost savagely, she breathed out, looking at the dazed look on Miles’face as he stared at her. Seeing his confusion filled her with a sense of triumph. She had clearly benefited from her little brother's boxing and the high level that he had trained at; they had practiced together for hours and hours.

Miles however wasn’t ready to give up. He puffed out his chest and gave her a hateful glare. Alex squinted her eyes. She wasn't impressed by his stature. They were practically the same height and even though he had a more masculine build, he was a joke in comparison to someone like Happy.

Before they could be at each other's throat again, Chibs intervened.

"Enough. If the two of ye wanna fight, ye be doin' that in the ring and not in the middle of a restaurant."

Miles sniffed. With a wild gesture he wiped his mouth, leaving behind a bloody trail on his hand.

Alex bowed her head in agreement and sat down again. She hated herself for letting Miles get to her that way, even though she secretly felt happy she'd given him a real good punch in the face  _and_ had managed to get away from that nasty conversation.

She ate the last slice of pizza and washed it down with some water. A quick look at the clock told her it was six o'clock.

"It’s almost time for the wedding," she said to her sponsor. "Do I have permission to leave?"

"To do what?" Miles taunted. "Paint your nails?"

 _I just have avoid you, or I'm gonna punch you in your shitty face again._ She swallowed the anger that bubbled up again and didn't even bother to look over her shoulder.

Kozik gave her a nod. "Be at the clubhouse within an hour."

Alex nodded back. "Enjoy your pizza," she said, briefly looking at the others. She couldn't help but sounding mocking. For a moment her eyes rested on Miles. She tapped her cheek. "Got something there."

 _Shit, that sounded so bitchy,_ Alex realized.

She was about to cry, she needed to leave. Now.

She tried to hold it together, but she still turned away from them in a rush and walked away with a little too large steps. Tears were burning in her eyes. She was fucking this up. All because of that arrogant asshole.

* * *

 

When Alex got home, she dropped down on the couch.  _What a nightmare. What a fucking nightmare._

"You don't look very happy," a voice sounded from the dinner table.

She had been so lost in thoughts she hadn't even noticed Mila; even the smell of her friend’s macaroni had escaped her attention.

"Today was a fucking hell," she muttered, staring at the ceiling. "And I still have all evening to go."

"I'm surprised you came home. My place is a mess, so decided to I flee to yours."

Alex wasn't surprised at all. Mila's house had been under construction for ages and things changed so painfully slow that Alex had the feeling her friend was leaving one brush stroke on the walls each day.

"I hadn't planned to. But I needed a break."

Mila sat down on the couch facing Alex, her legs folded beneath her and macaroni resting on her lap. "Doesn't sound good. What happened?"

"Pretty much any of the bad things you could imagine," she muttered. "Miles was such a pain in the ass and I lost it; slammed his head into his pizza and then I punched him in his face."

Mila chuckled softly. "Would have loved to see that."

With a sigh Alex sat up straighter. "I lost control.” Alex stressed, “I've been a complete idiot today. The others are still at Cavura eating their pizzas, I bet they're making fun of me now."

"Whatever. We make fun of them all the time."

"Only of Miles."

Mila put her spoon in her mouth and watched her. "What about your new brothers? They're jerks too?"

"I barely got the chance to talk to them," she muttered. "The only thing they were talking about, were the girls they'd fucked since they’ve been out, they tried to get me to join the conversation as well. I wanted to get out of there so badly."

"Then leave. Just stay away." Mila shrugged her shoulders.

"No. I'm not ready yet."

Mila looked at her in silence, but didn't push the topic. Not anymore. Fortunately. It was a conversation they'd had a hundred times.

Alex thought of Juice and heaved an even deeper sigh. "You know how I get with nice guys, huh?"

"You mean how you’re a disaster…"

"Yeah." She gave her friend a meaningful look.

Mila sat up straighter and pushed her glasses higher on her nose. Her eyes went wide. "Oh come on! Don't tell me you like one of your new brothers. I can't handle that drama."

Alex said nothing. Which was an answer itself.

"Shit, Lex! You haven't looked twice at a man since you broke up with Oliver and that was like six years ago! And of all times you...?" She shook her head, her shoulder-length brown hair waving. "How bad is it?"

Alex fell back on the couch again. "Bad."

She knew herself. It had been ages since someone had made her feel something and that wouldn't just go away. If anything, it would probably get only worse.

 


	7. A Lonely Wedding

"Are you sure you wanna go alone?" Mila asked.

Alex had just put her cut on and sat down on the couch to fasten her boots. With raised eyebrows she looked at her friend. "You hate Lyla."

Mila's face turned red. "I don't hate her."

"That's not what she thinks. You spilled a glass of wine over her."

"I tripped!"

Alex smirked. "You really think she believes that?" Then her face grew serious again. "I doubt it's a good idea."

It would make a weird impression if her girlfriend wasn't coming with her to the wedding of a brother, but Mila was good at creating drama and she didn't need to draw any  _more_ negative attention today.

It had been a great idea to have a fake girlfriend, but Mila was the worst choice one could imagine. She still felt very uncomfortable around all the porn stars and croweaters that crowded the clubhouse, and her nervousness had led to some awkward encounters.

Even though her best friend didn't exactly contribute to a good reputation and wasn't real old lady material, it was still better than being single and having to explain why she was warding off all the beautiful women.

"I would have agreed with you if I didn’t know you were falling so hard for that man; you need back-up so you don’t mess this whole thing up! What's his name anyway?"

Alex stood up, ignoring Mila’s question and glanced at her phone to check if there were missed calls. She had ten more minutes before she needed to head out and she didn't want to be late. "I'll be fine."

She planned to talk no more about Juice. The more she would do so, the more chance her feelings would get to root.

"I’ll tell everyone you're sick, so don't go putting happy faces all over Instagram."

"Yes, sir. Have fun tonight."

While riding to the Native American Reservation where the wedding was held, Alex realized she hadn't been to a wedding since she was a kid. The concept felt a little out-dated to her, and for some reason she was a little surprised that of all people a porn star and a biker chose to marry. Still, she felt happy for both of them. She knew what had happened to Opie's first wife, and despite the feud between Lyla and Mila, Alex liked the girl and she'd even admitted to her that Mila was probably jealous of her looks and didn't know how to deal with her choice in job. Luckily, Lyla wasn't the type to stay angry forever, and it made Alex wish she could be honest with her; that she could tell her who she really was. She knew for sure Lyla wouldn't judge her, but she doubted she would keep the secret to herself. Especially now that she was going to be marrying Opie.

When she arrived at the Reservation, Alex parked her bike between the others. She felt sorry that the ride had come to an end; it had been a good excuse not to talk to anyone. More than an hour had passed since her outburst at the pizza shop and she felt more ashamed than ever. She was almost about to apologize when she caught a glimpse of Miles' swollen lips.

Almost. She still swallowed the apology though, knowing she wouldn't mean it and they would both know it. She followed the others to the rows of chairs. Her hands felt clammy when she realized Juice was walking in front of her, and she wondered if she had sought his presence unintentionally, even though at this moment, she really wanted to keep her distance. But she didn’t have much of a choice; everyone took their places next to each other and if she waited too long she would end up next to Miles.

That would be even worse.

Eventually she ended up in a chair between Juice and Tig. She looked around to the other guests. There were countless Sons and Cara Cara girls, but she also recognized a few Mayans and some people with a Russian origin. At the end of the night retaliation would be taking place because somebody had stabbed Jax in jail. She felt relieved that the prospects weren't going to be involved. In the army she had killed women and men, but it was hard to imagine how this kind of gang violence would affect her. Although she knew someday she wouldn't have a choice. Then she’d have no choice but to show her loyalty to the club and as long as this club symbolized her brother's life, she would.

Alex aimed her eyes forward when the ceremony started. It was hard to concentrate. The scent of Juice's aftershave tickled her nose. Man, he smelled so good. She had to keep herself from breathing in deeply. Their knees and elbows were only an inch away, and it felt like her whole arm was burning. It was bizarre, especially because she was just as close to Tig and he didn't have an influence on her at all.

She tried to ignore it, imagined he was just a random guy who was sitting next to her. It was a real struggle not to look at him. Instead she focused on the dress Lyla was wearing, and she took in every detail.

They were a pretty couple. The smiles they showed each other, caused a shiver to creep down her spine.

Suddenly she felt a lump in her throat. Her brother would never stand at the front of the aisle. He would never get the chance to settle down with the love of his life. She bit her bottom lip while imagining herself in Lyla's place. Could she ever feel happy on a day like this? The people she loved were gone. Her father. Her mother. Her baby brother.

She took a deep breath and tried to shake off the depression. Tears were itching her eyes and she bit her lip a little harder.  _Don't cry, Alex. You really can't cry now._

She stared at a spot behind the couple and focused on her breathing.

She felt a little better.

Until they were reading their wedding vows; when she heard those beautiful words, and felt their love, she bowed her head. The first tear rolled down her cheek. As subtle as possible she wiped her cheek on her shoulder. Very softly she sniffed, wishing that she was somewhere else, wishing she had been somebody else.

If it were Alex sitting there, Tig or Juice would have wrapped an arm around her. But she was Shane and he was a man, weddings shouldn't make him cry. The fact that she felt raw with pain was beyond anyone's attention. Man, she really wished that Mila had been with her. Her friend wouldn’t  need an explanation, she would know exactly why she was crying, why she could see nothing but Kip's face. At the end of the aisle. Alone. Without a lover, without friends.

He was dead. Separated from everyone he had ever loved, forever.

Around her, her brothers started to cheer. Laughter filled the air and they all roared a line she didn't even hear. Roughly she wiped her tears away. She didn't dare to look up.

She was hundred percent sure both men next to her had noticed her tears, and maybe everyone else had too.

 


	8. The Queen

Not long after the vows were exchanged the ceremony came to an end. Alex was still breathing shakily. She hadn't been able to regain control over her emotions, the tears were just waiting for the right moment to stream down again. Luckily she knew she would able to go straight to the toilets within a minute of the ceremonies conclusion, giving her the opportunity to get herself together. So just like the others she stood up when the party began their exit from the row, and headed towards Lyla and Opie who would be waiting to accept their congratulations. She waited until her brothers on her left had left the row and stared tenaciously to the ground, hoping that by using the moment to collect herself, she would save a bit of her reputation.

When Tig walked away and she turned to leave as well, she felt a hand on her shoulder, that squeezed briefly. Startled she looked over her shoulder, only to find Juice giving her a questioning look. He seemed to have noticed that her tears hadn't been out of joy.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

Seeing his friendly and worried eyes, only made the situation worse. The tears came again. She nodded quickly, muttered "yeah thanks" and walked away in a hurry. Detouring from the line headed towards the newlyweds she headed straight to the toilets. At the last minute she kept herself from entering the ladies room, remembering she was currently pretending to be a man. She locked herself up in one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet seat. With closed eyes she took a few deep breaths as she rubbed the tears from her cheeks and eyes.

 _I miss you so much, Kip._ She bowed forward and started to sob again. She had put on a front for such a long time, but now that she had started she couldn't stop crying. She longed for his comforting arms, for that typical smirk. She squeezed her lips and ignored the tightness in her chest. She knew she needed to pull herself together, but how? She felt lost, the secret she was bearing suddenly felt heavy as hell. Oh, how she wished she could confide in one of the guys. But no, that was impossible. Maybe one day some of them would understand why she'd done it, but if she said anything now she would no longer be able to be a prospect and then she would never find out why this life had made her brother so happy. She wasn't going to give that up. If she could endure Miles' bullying, she could handle this wedding as well.

* * *

Alex needed another ten more minutes before she'd calmed down and no longer looked like she had been crying. The other Sons were standing together, laughing and loudly talking. Her stomach seemed to cringe when she walked to them. Hopefully they weren't making fun of her. It was clear they'd been waiting for her.

"Well, that must have been one massive shit," they chuckled.

Alex smirked a bit sheepishly and muttered her pizza didn't go down well. Luckily nobody mentioned her tears; maybe Juice was the only one who had seen them. She peeked at him, but he was having a conversation with Chibs and Clay.

They congratulated the bride and groom and searched for an empty table with chairs around it. Alex ended up sitting next to Chucky, who immediately began to tell her how badly he wanted to marry one day and what his wedding would look like. She smiled, touched. She really enjoyed the man's company, perhaps because she always looked so normal next to him.

"Where's your girl?" Gemma asked when Chucky stood up to get a round of beer for everyone. A few of the guys would leave soon and they wanted to cash in on the free drinks as long as possible.

"She didn't feel well," Alex answered.

Gemma held her glance for a while, her head tilted a little and her lips puckered. "Nothing serious, I hope?"

Alex felt a little uncomfortable around her. It felt like she saw right through every lie, but she was friendly nevertheless. Alex envied Jax a little, she wished she'd had a mother like Gemma; someone who would do anything for her family, sometimes acting in an almost possessive manner. Alex could only appreciate that, since her own mother had abandoned her kids.

"No, it’s probably just the stomach flu," she answered. "But she was afraid to throw up at a wedding."

Gemma smiled sadly. "She already gettin' used to the idea of you being a prospect?"

Alex had never talked about Mila with the woman, but she wasn't surprised she'd noticed Mila didn't really fit in the club life. "A little. We'll work it out," she answered, as confident as possible.

"Good."

Gemma was sipping her wine while observing the new prospect from the corners of her eye. Shane twisted the ring around his thumb, looking nervous. Although she was used to that; prospects never seemed to know how to act around her, she had the feeling she wasn't the cause of his nervousness. For some reason her presence always seemed to comfort him. She liked the boy. There was something fragile about him, and perhaps that was the reason why he reminded her of her other son. Sometimes she wondered if Thomas would have looked like Shane, if he'd survived his heart condition.

Shane's insecurities hadn't stopped Kozik from nominating the prospect. He was different than the other guys, and Gemma believed that would make him a good asset to the club. They needed someone calm, who used his brains, but also dared to stand up when things were about to go wrong. Sometimes she wished they would give guys like Shane a chance more often. There was more than enough testosterone, and some of the newer guys often seemed to forget they were just prospects who shouldn't be the center of attention all the time. Her eyes wandered to Miles. He sat a few meters away from them, and even though he couldn't stop talking most times, he was now staring at Shane with a heated glare. The fact that his lip was swollen, hadn't escaped her attention. A little smirk played her lips while she turned to Shane.

"That eh...  _little accident_ with Miles' face... that your doin'?"

Shane looked at the ground first, but then he moved his glance to her. "He insulted my girl."

Gemma smirked and gave him a wink. "Then he deserved it." She patted his knee. "I think you're a good asset to the club, Shane. Don't let that asshole tell you otherwise." She stood up and offered him her hand. "Since my husband is busy talking, I find it suiting that you, as newest member of our family, give me my first dance."

"With pleasure," he answered with a crooked smile. The boy however still avoided to look her in the eye. Nonetheless he took her hand and walked with her towards some other guests who were dancing.

Shane placed an arm around her waist and held her at an appropriate distance; not forced, but not in a manner that would give rise to new gossip. She smiled. Yes, he certainly knew how to behave.

 


	9. Vulnerability

Juice was sitting at the bar. Placing his elbows on the counter, he leaned on the shiny wood staring into a glass of scotch. Now and then the amber drink seemed to take on a deep red color, as if drops of blood had fallen in. But as soon as he blinked, it was gone.

He felt like shit.

That morning he had regained his freedom after fourteen long months inside and that same night he had killed someone, for the first time in his life.

Of course, he had been involved in a number of shootings before and he had even seen people die. But he'd never been the one to fire that deadly bullet. And now all he could think of, was that Russian; an hour ago he had looked into the guy, hoping to ease his mind, but it only resulted in the opposite. The man he shot left behind a wife and two kids, sixteen and twenty-three years old.

He took another sip of the sharp drink. His heart pounded heavily in his chest, and his thoughts followed the burning whiskey as it glided down his esophagus. It was quiet in the club house, most of his brothers had found a girl to enjoy themselves with for the night. Maybe he should have gotten one too, but his brain was restless and he was having a hard time focusing on anything.

From the corner of his eyes he noticed a movement. At first he thought it was one of the Croweater’s who wanted to cheer him up – even though most of them knew by now that he wanted to be left alone – but to his surprise he recognized the new prospect coming towards him.

"Are you okay?" the boy asked.

Juice tried to remember his name. Shane, right? Even the most simple question felt like an unsolvable puzzle.

Juice wanted to blow him off with a simple "fine", but the genuine look in Shane's eyes kept him from doing so. He was weird, the new prospect, with his emo hair and lip piercing. Juice didn't know what to make of him. More than once that guy had surprised him today. His clumsiness reminded him of his own prospect period and even though he was quiet, he'd stood up for himself during dinner, when Miles was clearly annoying him.

Juice shrugged his shoulders eventually. "Rough night."

"Retaliation?"

Juice looked at him before nodding. "Yeah."

Shane asked the Croweater behind the bar for a glass of scotch as well and sat down on a barstool next to him. Juice didn't know if he was happy about it or not. Usually his brothers just patted his shoulder and left him alone when he distanced himself from them.

"I'm a good listener," Shane said after a while. "If you need one. Dunno if that's what you guys normally do, though."

If something was really bothering him, Juice could always go to Chibs. It had been that way since the man had been his sponsor, and it had never changed. Since his time as a prospect, Chibs had felt like some sort of father to him, more than a friend. And even though he considered all his brothers as close friends, he'd sometimes wished that he had a friend that was closer to him than anyone else. Just like Jax and Opie, whose friendship seemed unbreakable.

He shook his head to get rid of the thought. That was bullshit. As if Shane would suddenly become his best friend, just because he offered a listening ear. It was a pathetic thought, and he was glad no one could hear it.

Juice took another swig and studied Shane's face. He had a somewhat pale skin that didn't show the slightest hint of facial hair, and intelligent greenish-brown eyes. It was the friendly and patient look on his face that convinced him to take his offer. What harm could it do? He'd seen Shane cry during the wedding, so he couldn't call him a pussy.

"It was a mess." Juice took a deep breath and admitted: "I’ve never killed someone before."

"And now that's all you see? You can’t stop thinking about the ones who've lost their father or their husband?"

Juice stared at the boy, stunned that he summarized his thoughts so easily. "Sounds familiar?"

Shane looked away, suddenly looking nervous and sipping his scotch. Juice got the impression he wasn't much of a drinker. As if he needed another moment to gather his courage, he lit a cigarette and offered Juice one too.

"I killed a cop when I was fourteen."

"Holy shit." Juice lowered his hand in disbelief, the cigarette had been on its way to his mouth forgotten. "You really did?"

Shane nodded, taking a hit of his cigarette. "Yeah. My mom was drunk and called the cops, told them there was an intruder in the house. Then she forgot about it and passed out in her bed. The police however thought she was serious and entered the house. It was in the middle of the night and I heard someone on the stairs, thought it was a burglar, and when I saw the man going into my little brother's room, I shot him in the back."

"Shit man..." Juice wondered why there had been a gun in his room in the first place, but before he could ask a question, Shane continued.

"Yeah. I blamed my mom – I still do. But that man... he had a family. A wife, kids..." He sighed. "It was a hazard of his profession." He looked at Juice again. "And that goes for the Russians too. They deserved it, Juice. They've chosen this path to earn their money." He twisted his glass between his hands and stared at the contents. "Just like us. Somebody had to pull that trigger. That's the way it is, in war. And that's what this is, be it on a small scale."

Juice nodded slowly, taking in the words. Of course Shane was right. His brothers probably thought about it the same way, but still he was glad the prospect made an effort to say it out loud to him. "Thanks," he said genuinely.

Shane smiled at him and held his glance for a moment. Then he suddenly turned away his face and stared to his glass again.

Juice let the Croweater refill his glass and put out his cigarette. Suddenly he felt a little uncomfortable. Should he say something? Ask something? Walk away? Usually he never would have thought about such things, but it had been a nice talk with much more depth than whatever conversations he usually had in the middle of the night.

"You were crying at the wedding," he said after a while. "And it didn’t look like it was because you felt so happy for Opie and Lyla."

Shane didn't look up immediately. His thumb stroked across a tattoo on his arm, a set of dog tags; one with the date 04/09/11 on it, on the second there was no date.

"My little brother died two years ago." He looked up. Juice read the pain in his eyes and felt a lump in his throat. "I could only think of the fact he would never get the chance to stand there."

"Shit man."

Juice wished he knew comforting words. Shane had brought some peace to his mind and he wanted to return the favor, but what the hell was he supposed to say?

"What happened?"

"Wrong time, wrong place," Shane muttered. The boy pressed his lips together and Juice felt like shit for bringing up the subject. "Bullet in his head. Killed him instantly." He took a few deep breaths and turned his gaze away. "Sorry. I need some air."

"Yeah. Sure man."

After Shane walked away, Juice kept sitting at the bar for a few seconds. Something encouraged him however to go after his new brother, and he sat down next to him at the picnic table. Hesitating, he put an arm around his shoulders. He felt nothing but respect for Shane, he dared to be vulnerable around one of his brothers, especially after Miles' nasty comments earlier on.

The gesture seemed to help Shane a little to compose himself. He briefly wiped his eyes and straightened his shoulders. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Are you kiddin'?" Juice answered. "This is heavy shit, bro. You two were close?"

Shane nodded, staring at his boots. "Yeah. He was my best friend."

 


	10. What Fills The Heart...

Alex didn't dare to look to her side. Juice was sitting so close to her that she was scared as hell that her lips would somehow end up on his if she turned her head to him now. He was so sweet and his arm around her felt more comforting than any hug she had gotten since Kip passed away. She knew the guys were constantly tossing their arms around each other and even though some had done that with her as well, Juice's touch seemed hundred times more intense. Of course, that feeling might have also been due to the alcohol and the fact she was attracted to him. The smell of leather, and smoke mixed with the alcohol he had been drinking, he probably didn't have a different scent from the others, but his after shave or body spray or whatever it was that she smelled also, was a welcome addition and had an intoxicating effect on her.

"I should probably go," she said after a while.

Juice's arm slid off her shoulder and Alex forced herself to look aside.

"Ya ridin'?" he asked hesitating, knowing she wasn't sober at all.

Alex shook her head. "Nah, I'll walk. A walk will do me good."

"Where do you live?"

Alex gave her address.

"That's only a few blocks away from my house. How 'bout I walk with you?" Juice asked as he got off the picnic table.

She looked at him somewhat dazed. She understood he was touched by her grief, but this was a little over the top, right? "I'm not some chick, you know," she said with a smirk, even though those words made her heart clap up into her throat. "I'll get home safe."

Juice seemed to hesitate. Then he shrugged his shoulders. "Gotta go that way anyway. Haven't been home yet this year."

Alex didn't understand why he didn't just sleep in his clubhouse dorm, like his brothers did. But the walk would take at least half an hour and she enjoyed his company. She stood up, slid her hands in her pockets and strolled off the parking lot.

* * *

It was one of the nicest walks she'd ever taken. For some of it, they just walked in silence next to each other, looking up to the starry sky or staring forward, wrapped up in their own thoughts, and other times they talked about the club life and a dozen other subjects. When they arrived at the crossroad where they had to say goodbye, they looked awkwardly at each other.

She didn't want to leave him.

She'd stirred up a lot of memories today and she knew her grief was still there, right below the surface, and very raw. It would probably wash over her as soon as she was alone.

"We eh – could head to mine? Got some pot at home, we could have a joint?" Juice offered, his insecurities showing as he rubbed his forearm.

Alex felt her cheeks glow.  _He just needs a friend,_ she told herself.  _Cause that's what you are, remember? Just one of the guys._ "I’ve never smoked a joint," she admitted honestly, with a tone that should tell him she was open to trying one. You didn't trip from one joint, she thought. She would feel more relaxed at most, and they both needed that. Still she had a feeling this wasn't the best idea, but all the guys had probably smoked pot at least once in a while and she rather had the first time she tried, that she was with a guy who didn't want to mess with her.

"I'll roll a light one," he joked.

It was his subsequent smile that made her give in. That smile would probably even convince her to do something stupid like drink a barrel of gasoline if he asked. "Kay."

A little later they were sitting on the porch to his house. A little nervous Alex had breathed the smoke into her lungs, as Juice had told her to. After she'd handed back the joint, he'd taken a drag himself.

"Bet you'd expected something else from your first night out, huh?" Alex asked after a while. She guessed they hadn't had much to do in prison, so he'd probably imagined what he wanted to do when he got home.

Juice chuckled. "Tell me about it. I'd pictured myself taking a hot chick to bed, instead of gettin' stoned with the new prospect."

"That can still happen." Alex squeezed her lips.  _Shit._ This really had been a bad idea. She couldn't trust her tongue at all. She felt the words 'you could do both with me' roll through her mouth, but she kept them inside. "So why didn't you take a girl?" she asked eventually, pronouncing every word slowly, afraid that other, less suited words would follow otherwise.

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno. Wasn't in the mood."

"Isn't that the perfect reason to..." She thought about her next words for a while, suddenly unsure how men like he would describe it. "... have a good fuck?" It sounded as a question she asked herself, as if she wondered if those had really been words she'd been looking for.

She couldn't help it, suddenly she started to laugh.

Juice raised his eyebrows. Why did he do that? Many people got the giggles from smoking joints. She knew that, so he had to know it too.

"Damn dude, you really laugh like a girl." His laughter filled the night air too.

Alex stared at his lips.  _I want to kiss you, you beautiful lips._

She wasn't sure she'd only thought those words, but since he wasn't punching her in the face she guessed so.

"Maybe I am a girl. Secretly." She moved her eyebrows up and down.

Juice smirked when she picked the joint from between his fingers. "Then we would have done very different things tonight."

Suddenly Alex felt boiling hot and she suppressed the urge to wave some of the cool air to her face. It was bad enough he thought she laughed like a girl. But she wouldn't have minded doing those things with him. Tonight. Now.

Before she could blurt out something like that, Juice was already continuing the conversation. "I think, I needed a good talk more than sex. I shared a cell with Clay for fourteen months and well, he really wasn't in the mood to listen to my whining."

"But you weren't in the mood to have sex with him either, I guess." She frowned and chuckled. _You better stop talking about sex now, Alex._ "And you're not whining," she said. But she understood him. She'd barely talked to the club president, but she understood why Juice wasn't pouring his heart out to him. She leaned back. Her limbs suddenly felt heavy. But she didn't mind. "Being in jail isn't the easiest thing. Or killin' people. Some people need a therapist for things like that, you know."

Juice chuckled and took another drag from the joint. "Or a prospect."

Alex smiled while watching the stars. This was pretty romantic.

If he'd known she was a girl.

"Only works if I'm that prospect. Don't think Miles would have been the best help."

From the corner of her eyes she watched how Juice sat up a little more straight and turned toward her. Alex's body felt too heavy to do the same. "What's going on between you two?"

Alex shrugged her shoulder. Or at least she was trying to. "He's just an asshole. He's the type of guy that pushes others under water to keep his own head above it."

"Hmm."

"You had any annoying fellow prospects too?" she asked.

"I was the only one. So I was everyone's whippin' boy. It stayed that way until the next prospect showed up, a few years later."

 _Kip,_ Alex thought. She was dying to ask about him, but she didn't trust herself at the moment. "So things are actually easy for me?"

Juice smirked. "Yep."

Alex smiled while her eyes were slowly closing. They felt too heavy to have to open them again. "You know, Juice..." she mumbled, yawning. "This is the best night since I got this cut. It almost feels like I've found a friend."

She fell asleep before she could hear his reply.

 

 


	11. Midnight Snacks

Her eyelids felt heavy. For a long time Alex refused to open them, until she could no longer stand the crick in her neck and her pain in her chest from her restricted breasts. Drowsy, she rubbed her chest, not fully understanding where the pain was coming from. Had she forgotten to take off her chest binder? Doubtful, she always looked forward to the relief that came when she was able to peel that piece off fabric off her skin. She however didn't feel the curves she was used to feeling every morning. In fact, as she went to stretch; she noticed she was still wearing her cut.

With a frown Alex sat up straight. It was dark in the room and she found herself on a couch. "What the fuck," she muttered, staggering as she got up. She turned around and her eye caught the doors to the porch.

 _Oh fuck, I'm in Juice's house._ Suddenly the images raced through her mind. The guys returning to Charming, Opie and Lyla’s wedding, the conversation she had with Juice and the joint they'd smoked at his house after. Flashes of the things they'd said floated to the surface.

_"Maybe I am a girl. Secretly."_

_"Then we would have done very different things tonight."_

She felt her cheeks blush. At least she knew that didn't happen, otherwise she wouldn't have been sleeping on the couch. She rubbed her hand across her face as she walked to the kitchen to fill a glass with water. She couldn't remember how she'd ended up at the couch. She'd felt tired all of a sudden – hadn't she fallen asleep at the porch? Had he carried her to the couch?

That was hard to believe. It was close, probably less than an inch, but she knew she was taller than him. Maybe he would have tried to move her if he'd known she was a girl, behaving as a gentlemen and all that, but he didn't know. He should have just left her to sleep outside. Maybe she had woken up and claimed his couch?

It didn't matter, not really. She was here now.

She brought the glass to her lips and took a few sips. She felt nauseous. And hungry. The numbers on the oven showed it was only 3:32am. Juice would be asleep for at least a few more hours. What should she do? Go home? Would that be odd? But this... this was strange as well. Pain flashed through her breasts again. She had to get that thing off before she was going to do anything. She wasn't supposed to wear the garment for more than ten hours at a time and now, she had been wearing it for double that. In a few hours she would have to put it back on. With that in mind, she took her cut and shirt off, and tugged the shapewear over her head. Fuck, this was much better. She got dressed again, folded the binder and put it in the inside pocket of her cut.

Alex turned to the kitchen cabinets and started looking for something to eat. It wasn't her thing to snoop around in other people's stuff, but she knew for sure that the other Sons would just grab some food if they were hungry. So that’s exactly what Alex did, trying to move as quietly as she could.

With a disappointed sigh she concluded there was nothing to eat. Of course not. That guy had been in jail for more than a year. She dropped down on the couch and considered going home once more. She could just tell him she'd been hungry, right? But he would be hungry too. And she doubted he would’ve gone home if she hadn't been headed that way too, which made her feel a little more than ungrateful leaving in the middle of the night.

"Hmm, what would you have done?" Alex muttered, trying to picture the face of her brother.

She knew the answer immediately, as if he was whispering in her ear. "Pizza. Yea, I could always get you up for pizza." She smiled lightly and took her phone from her pocket. After snooping through Juice’s mail for their address, she looked up the closest pizza place that delivered 24/7. Then she ordered two margarita pizza's.  Nervous that the pizza guy would ring the bell and wake Juice up, she waited at the front door until they were delivered.

As she sat down on the couch again and opened the pizza box, she thought back to last night. Now she remembered that she'd eaten pizza a few hours ago too. It felt like a week ago. She pulled a slice loose and thought back to the conversations she'd listened to over her lunch with the guys and the fight with Miles. She hit him, and probably would have more than once if Chibs hadn't intervened.

What had he told them?  _"If the two of ye wanna fight, ye be doin' that in the ring and not in the middle of a restaurant."_

Well, that surely was an opportunity Miles wouldn't want to miss. Suddenly she froze, realizing what that meant. If it really came that far – and it was more a matter of  _when_ rather than _if_ – she would be exposed. She'd seen a few of those boxing matches over the past few months, and there was one thing she remembered very well.

The guys always fought shirtless. It felt like the pizza lodged itself in her throat. When the time came... What in the world could she say to leave her shirt on?

 


	12. First Lies

Juice was having a rough night. Again and again he heard the ricochet of the bullets and felt the recoil against his shoulder. He could still see the man’s body as it absorbed the impact of the bullets; his body jolting, how his blood pooled on the ground as the colour drained from his face.

He thought about Shane's words.  _"They deserved it, Juice. They've chosen this path to earn their money. Just like us. Somebody had to pull that trigger. That's the way it is, in war. And that's what this is, be it on a small scale."_

If the Russians had put the hit on  _him,_ would he have deserved to die too? Because it was part of the life he chose? In the dark, he stared down at his arm. He could almost see the Reaper smirking back at him. He turned on his other side and closed his eyes.

_Don't be such a baby. It’s not like the guy was a saint or anything._

Still the guilt kept gnawing. Why couldn't he just forget about it, just like all the others did? He knew Tig and Happy had been doing the dirty work for years. He felt hypocrite, since that knowledge had never kept him from sleeping. But now that there was blood on his own hands everything felt different..

* * *

 

Still exhausted but unable to sleep, Juice got up as soon as the sun was up. Actually he'd wanted to go downstairs earlier for a run, hoping that would ease his mind, but he knew the prospect was sleeping on his couch – he'd just dropped there, too tired to get up – and he didn't want the guy to know the kill was still bothering him. A prospect should look up to him, not feel sorry for him.

In the kitchen he started a pot of coffee and stared out the window. He felt sick and the smell of coffee wasn't doing him any good, but he put his foot down and refused to drink anything else, like a cup of tea some granny would want first thing in the morning. He looked over his shoulder when he heard footsteps, but he didn't see the prospect. He did however hear him open a door in the hallway; he was probably going to take a piss.

Juice put his hands in his pockets and strolled towards the living room, where he sat down on a chair. In the five years he'd lived here, no one had ever slept on the couch and even though he hadn't mind yesterday, it suddenly felt as an invasion of his privacy now that the sun was up, making him wish he'd been alone.

The door opened again. "Mornin'," the boy greeted. His voice sounded weird, almost squeezing, and he quickly cleared his throat.

If Kozik hadn't told them Shane was twenty years old, Juice wouldn't have thought him to be much more than sixteen years at first sight.

"Hey." There was an awkward silence, which he might have missed if Shane hadn't been staring so intensely at him. "Euh... coffee?"

Shane tore away his glance as if he'd been deep in thought, nodded and dropped down on the couch. "That would be great."

Juice returned to the kitchen, filled two cups and opened the fridge without thinking. He raised his eyebrows when all he found was a pizza.

"You get hungry last night?" he asked with a smirk, putting the coffee on the table.

"Yeah." Shane's cheeks turned red. "I called for a pizza at like 3 AM. There eh... there wasn't much around here. I ordered an extra one in case you would be hungry too."

Juice appreciated the gesture, even though he knew he would probably throw up if he ate a pizza now. Having pizza for breakfast was one thing, but the thought of having anything the morning after he'd committed a murder...

"How did you sleep?" Shane had folded his hands around the mug and moved his thumbs across the rim.

"Fine." He faked a grin. "Much better than in jail."

Shane held his glance for a while. "You really did?"

Juice felt the boy saw right through him and gave in with a sigh. "Had the worst night."

"Don't think that will change anytime soon," Shane mused. "You need time to work through it."

Sighing Juice stared into his black coffee. He yawned and looked up to the prospect. "And how did you sleep?"

Shane shrugged his shoulders. "The first hours were fine, until my empty stomach woke me up." He hesitated and continued: "Then I got lost in my head. About my brother. And well – also about what happened to the Russians. Before I prospected I never... I had never imagined killing was a part of it all."

That was something Juice could only agree with. "It has not always been this way."  _I guess._ "A lot of shit happened these past couple years."

Before Shane could answer, his phone went off. "My girl," he muttered. "She must be wondering where the hell I am." He gestured to the porch and walked to it.

* * *

 

"Where  _are_ you?" Mila's voice trumpeted through the phone.

Alex squeezed her eyes as she heard her shrill voice. She never got used to that early in the morning. "I crashed at Juice's."

"You...  _What_? With  _who_?" It was silent for a while. "You ain't talking about that guy you've fallen head over heals for, right?"

"I slept on the couch," she answered shortly. "Calm down. He doesn't know shit. We were both upset and we've talked for a while."

"You  _talked._ It's hard to believe those guys work out their problems by  _talking._ "

Alex rolled her eyes. "Why are you calling? Are you at my place?"

"Yes! Thought you could use some support after the wedding. I thought you would end up breaking Miles' nose or something. But you clearly’ve found someone else to vent to."

Alex released an offended laugh. "Are you  _jealous_?"

"I barely got time to become jealous! You stay away all night and..."

"Oh come off it, Mila!" she responded annoyed. "If you'd noticed, you would have called sooner."

Grumbling her friend gave in. "I just watched the news... They've found some bodies. I... I was just worried something had happened to you."

Alex froze. "Oh shit..."

"Yeah... it's kinda creepy. You – you have nothing to do with this, right?"

Alex closed her eyes. "No," she evaded. It hurt to lie to Mila, and even though she wasn’t one of the ones actually there, it was still her club involved. But Mila couldn’t know that. Although they knew each other for years, Alex couldn't remember if she'd ever told her a lie. But she couldn't tell her the truth. Mila believed she was already going too far with all this.

"I'm coming home. Then we'll talk, okay?"

"I'm going to work now."

Alex sighed. Not because of what she said, but because of her firm tone. "Okay."

She hung up and went back inside. At least she had an excuse to leave now.

"Everything all right?" Juice asked.

"My girl is pissed because I didn't come home. She'll never believe I slept on your couch instead of in a Croweater's bed. And they've found the bodies. She was afraid I was one of them," she rattled. She waved vaguely at the front door. "So I better go, see if I can calm her down."

Juice's lips formed a smirk telling her he didn't really feel bad for her. "Good luck with that."

Alex nodded, turning to head out. "Thanks. Well... see you at the garage, I guess."

 


	13. Chaos

Morning was finally over. The patched members had a meeting in Chapel earlier, which must have consisted of a heated debate as they had all returned with red faces and brooding silences. Alex hadn't interfered and had been doing her best to work without paying them much attention. She didn't know what the subject of the discussion had been; she had yet to see Kozik and usually he was the one who told her what she needed to know. But he was off to drop the guns they'd stolen from the Russians at Happy's aunt's house, which meant that both men would remain there to keep their business safe until the club found buyers.

As the trend had become of the past few days, Miles had taken to constantly commenting on her activities. With the warning Chibs gave echoing in the back of her head, she had taken to ignoring him. Now and then she'd had to redo some things, even when she knew Miles was wrong but it was easier than arguing, she didn't want to stick her neck out and end up in the ring. She would rather swallow Miles' teasing, which fortunately ended when the other men returned.

Now they were sitting in the clubhouse around a table, eating their lunch. The tension was still tangible and Alex avoided eye contact with everyone hoping to avoid provoking one of the already agitated members. The emotions from the day before were still messing with her head and she didn't completely trust herself.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her thigh, squeezing her flesh. Wildly she turned her head to the left; Tig.

The man looked at her with a wicked grin. "You know... That meeting we just had had me all tense. I could use help  _blowing_  off some steam." Evocatively he started to unbuckle his belt with his other hand.

With giant eyes Alex looked at him. "Isn't that – Isn't that what the Croweaters are for?"

Tig shrugged his shoulders. "You do whatever I tell you, prospect."

Alex felt the blood was drain from her face. Was he really serious? The man had only gotten out of prison yesterday, so she hadn't had much time to get to know him. She had no idea whether he was joking around or really expected a blowjob.

Seeking help, her eyes shot to Juice, who was leaning back in his chair smirking. It had to be a joke, right?

"Why are you looking at Juice?" Miles mocked, catching her glance as he was seated in front of her. "You wanna suck his dick too?"

Alex had the feeling steam was coming out of her head. She wasn't able to look at Juice and stared motionlessly at Miles. His confident grin gave her the feeling there were thousands of ants racing beneath her skin. Oddly enough an answer occurred to her that might save her.

"I just don't wanna get in your way," she answered Miles, with all the calm she could gather. "Last week you had told me you would choose Tig's dick to suck if you had been in Stockton together."

Miles' mouth opened and closed while his eyes shot to Tig. He didn't dare to confirm or deny her words.

"Fine by me, c'mere lover boy," Tig said with a chuckle.

Alex bit back a smirk now the attention had shifted to Miles and refocused on her sandwich again. However, she was still unable to look at Juice, afraid he'd also misinterpreted her seeking glance for something other than help.

* * *

Alex had barely finished eating her lunch when she stood up and made her escape back to the garage where she continued her work. It wasn't until she had finished the last tune-up that had been scheduled for the day that she stood up and looked around. The others had gone back to work as well. A few steps away from her, Tig and Bobby were discussing something that was clearly upsetting them so she made her way away from them as she didn't want to give them the impression she was listening in.

Juice was pulling apart a motorcycle – Unser's bike, she realized much to her surprise, since he had only just been telling Juice that the last time he'd been out riding, there had been much more hair on his head. Even though Alex found it hard to face Juice, she grabbed onto the bike to create an opposing force allowing Juice to pull off the part he had been struggling with. He briefly nodded to her.

Right when she went to ask him what else she could do, Phil entered the garage.

"Jax is on the bar phone. Wants to talk to someone with a patch. He told me it was urgent."

She saw Juice's fingers stiffen around the tailpipe of the bike and knew he was worried.

"What was Jax doing?" she asked while she walked with him to the clubhouse, following Tig and Bobby.

"Visiting potential buyers for the guns we'd taken from the Russians."

Alex didn't understand immediately why that would cause problems, but at the same time she also realized that Jax wouldn't be calling the clubhouse for no reason.

The moment they entered the clubhouse, Clay joined them as well. He took the phone from Phil and the others waited with baited breath to find out what was going on. During the conversation, the look in Clay's eyes became darker and darker.

"The Russians are holding them prisoner," he announced with a grim tone after he'd ended the call. "They've given us one hour to return their stolen guns."

Chibs sighed. "It would take at least two hours before Kozik and Happy can get back with them."

Without saying another word the men walked outside. Since nobody had told Alex what to do, she exchanged a doubting look with Phil. When he decided to stay inside, she did the same. She put her hands in her pockets and waited, intending to continue the work in the garage as soon as the guys were gone. She felt it was safe to assume they were going to try and get Jax and Opie back.

The thought that another firefight might take place, made her throat tighten. What if there would be deaths on their side this time? Before her dark feelings could take her over, cops were suddenly swarming the building. Stupefied she watched how they smashed the place to pieces. Her eyes shot to the other side of the clubhouse, where she found the rest of the men watching the situation with grim faces. Nobody intervened.

Alex knew why: the clock was ticking. Every minute they wasted, would bring Jax and Opie closer to their deaths. In silence, everyone waited until the cops cooled down. They left the lot not long after, leaving behind a wreckage. The triumphant smirks on their faces showed how superior they felt, none of them realizing they'd just gotten lucky and picked a good time to invade this place and throw their weight around. It didn't take a genius to understand what brought the cops here: they blamed the MC for the three corpses they'd found earlier today, but had lacked the evidence to prove their suspicions.

Alex grumbled internally because of the mess their frustration had left behind. When they finally left, her brothers followed immediately after, leaving Alex to clean up the mess in silence.

* * *

In the hours that followed, Alex cleaned up the place with the other prospects and the Croweaters that had shown up. On the bar she piled up the pictures that had been knocked out the frames, and when she held Kip's picture in her hand she stroked his face without thinking. It felt like a blasphemy that they'd ruined his picture frame.

"What the hell are you doin'?" She heard a sniff next to her ear. "You're fucking gay, you know he's dead right? You're rubbing up on a dead guy? You really are a freak."

Wildly Alex turned. Before she could stop herself, her fist hit his eye. She couldn't help it; the emotions were washing over. This time Miles recovered quickly, he pushed her backwards until her head slammed against the wall and squeezed her throat.

"If you ever embarrass me again like you did this afternoon, I am going to rip that piece of iron out of your mouth."

"Aye!" a voice sounded.

Alex moaned when a fist hit her cheek. She even thought she might have heard a bone crack.

"Are ye two done fer once?"

Miles' nails left behind scratches in her neck when someone pulled him away from her. Chibs looked at both of them, his eyes filled with anger. "The first thing ye two ar' do'in tomorrow is settling this in the ring. And then ye leave it there or ye both lose yer patch!"

He squeezed their shoulders painfully and Alex squeezed her eyes for a moment.

"Tomorrow at nine. Not a second later. And if I hear one more unfriendly word tonight, I'ma snap both of yer necks myself. Got that?"

Alex nodded, her lips pressed together. Her cheek was burning and the pain spread to her eye where tears were piling up.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How the hell am I going to get out of this?_

She breathed shakily and looked past Chibs, rubbing her throat. The men walked through the clubhouse with defeated faces. Despite the fact they'd tried to clean it up the past hours, it still was a chaotic. The atmosphere that came with the men was a depressed one, which was puzzling since Opie and Jax were back and everyone seemed unharmed.

"I have some good news to share," Tara said all of a sudden.

Everyone turned to the woman, confused.

"Jax and I are getting married!" She raised her a hand a little awkwardly, showing her ring.

For a moment everyone was stunned, then watery smiles appeared and the men started to congratulate the couple. Alex did the same, even though she couldn't feel the joy.

Tomorrow she had to deal with a different kind of ring.

Then they would discover she was a girl.


	14. Devotion

Even though there was enough on Alex's mind to be willing to vent against someone, she was glad it was dark in her house. Mila had chosen to stay in her own apartment tonight, which probably meant she was still angry. She checked her phone for messages, but didn't bother to send her friend a text when she found out there were none. Mila was a problem she would solve later. The problem that was called "tomorrow" was much more urgent.

With a sigh she dropped down on the couch, just like she'd done yesterday. Hopefully that wasn't becoming a new habit. Staring to the ceiling she considered her options once more. There weren't many, and she'd already thought about it the whole way back to her house. 

The most obvious option was pretending to be sick. Just like she'd done in the past as she wanted to skip school. Her uncle had always been very easy, he'd never found school very important and rather used an extra hand in the garage. 

But the guys wouldn't be so easy to mislead. Even with a 104-degree temperature they would pull her out of her bed and drag her into the ring, and force her to work the rest of the day. They would at least come by and when they found out she wasn't sick at all, she would be kicked out of the club immediately. 

A skin disease, that was her second option. Some kind of wound on her stomach that was contagious. But she dared to bet they wanted to see it, and she wasn't that creative with make-up. It needed to look real. 

So she needed something  _real._ Something painful, something that would startle them when she rolled up her shirt so  _they_ would be the ones suggesting to fight another day. Of course it was only a temporary solution, but a temporary solution was still better than no solution at all. 

But it was insane – and not harmless. If she made a mistake, she would be in the hospital tomorrow and her identity would be revealed anyway. 

Despite the risk she would be taking, Alex couldn't abandon the idea. It was the only thing that could work, that could save her tomorrow. If Mila ever found out about this she would jump out of her skin and commit her to a mental institution. And even that knowledge couldn't stop her. 

She sat down behind her laptop on the table and started hours of research on the internet. 

* * *

It was 2:30 AM when Alex felt certain about her plan. She took a handful of painkillers, put the suture, scissors and bandage on the counter top and went looking for a suitable knife which she disinfected. She took off her shirt, she'd gotten rid of the chest binder earlier tonight. Then she turned towards the light and wrapped her fingers around the hilt of the knife. She moved it to her upper abdomen, right beneath her ribs. Where there were no major blood vessels, no important nerves and no organs she would hit. She took a few deep breaths. The blade felt cold against her skin. She banned all thoughts, as she'd done so many times during her military training. 

_I can do this. I've learned to stay calm in situations like these and I know how to treat a wound like this._

She counted to three and stabbed herself. She gritted her teeth while suppressing a scream and focusing on her breathing. Mentally she instructed herself to take the next steps.  _Put the knife on the table. Press the edges of the wound together._ She took the needle and thread and stitched the wound, grunting all the curses she'd picked up the past years. Her head was spinning. The pain was sharper than she'd expected, but she managed to push it to the corner of her mind until she was done stitching. 

As soon as the wound was stitched, she dressed it with a patch and wrapped the bandage around her stomach. She washed the blood from the knife and carefully she squatted on the ground to scrub the floor. Then she staggered to bed and lied down very carefully. 

She turned her head aside and looked through the window. Stars sparkled coldly. 

"Sorry," she whispered when she imagined Kip's face. He would have been proud of her plan, but he'd have been furious as hell for carrying it out. 

Slowly her eyes closed and despite the pain she smirked. "At least they can't say I'm not devoted."


	15. The Ring

Already half an hour before she was expected to be at the ring, Alex stood in front of the boxing club. She'd heard the owner was murdered two years ago and that the building was sold, but by lack of a new development plan, Lumphy's nephew had restored the gym to its former glory. She however didn't go inside yet, but leaned against her bike while smoking a cigarette and mentally preparing herself for the confrontation that was about to come. In the meantime she prayed the pain the riding had caused her would fade soon.

The plan was well thought out and sounded quite foolproof in her own ears. Nobody would expect her to stab herself to weasel her way out of a simple fight and as long as she could lie without blinking an eye, things would work out as she wanted them to be.

And since she was lying to everyone all day long, she didn't foresee any problems.

Alex had just put out her second cigarette when the first bike stopped next to her. A nervous feeling arose in her stomach when she realized it was Juice. The past days he'd continuously messed with her head, so she'd secretly wished he would skip this match. She could say goodbye to her mental preparations now.

"You're early." Miraculously her voiced didn't sound like that of a stressed guinea pig.

"Yeah. Was awake anyway." He leaned against his bike too, face toward her, and lit a cigarette.

"Had a bad night again?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Not worse than yours, I guess."

Internally she chuckled.  _You'd be surprised to hear I've researched the safest way to stab myself for hours._

"I've had better nights. The fact that everyone's so stressed, isn't helping either," she muttered. She looked pensively at him. Juice stared past her, his thoughts seemed miles away. She took advantage of his mental absence to enjoy the view for a few seconds before she cleared her throat and attempted to strengthen their bond. "That meeting yesterday, where after everyone was so tensed... what was all that about?"

Juice sighed and moved his glance to her face. "Clay and Jax want us to transport drugs for the Galindo cartel."

" _What?!_ "

Quickly she pressed her lips together, knowing she was speaking too freely about something she shouldn't have an opinion about at all, but Juice didn't seem to care.

"It's insane," he muttered with a sigh. "Even Jax supports the idea. I don't get it."

Juice knew his friends better than she did, so she assumed that was indeed odd. "You've already voted?"

He shook his head. "No, we got some days to let it all sink in. Shit man..." Again he shook his head. It was clear the whole case was really bothering him and she understood it was a lot to take in. He'd just been released from prison. To celebrate his freedom he'd committed a murder and the day after he had to consider if he wanted to be involved in the affairs of a cartel. "All they see, is the money. But once we get in bed with Galindo... we'll never get out alive."

Alex didn't know much about drug lords, but she assumed Juice was right. "Were these deals made in Stockton?"

"I guess," Juice muttered. "But I haven't noticed a thing."

Alex was at least glad he wasn't a supporter of drug smuggling. The thing with the Russians she could see as some kind of warfare, but smuggling drugs... that was something else.

"They've saved Jax and Opie yesterday. The cartel," Juice said, sighing. "So we owe them a lot." With the heel of his boot he tried to wipe away some smudge from the toes of his other boot. "I'm still voting a no and I know Bobby is against it too. But the others..." He looked up again. "I have the feeling we will be a minority."

"I would have voted a no too," Alex muttered. "But I have nothing to say."

Juice pulled up the corner of his mouth. "Not yet. But you will once you're done prospecting."

Alex felt a warm glow spreading through her body because he believed she would get a patch one day, even though she knew that would never happen. As soon as they'd offer her a full patch, she would tell them who she really was. If she would do so  _after_ she was patched in, she would knowingly break club rules and signing her own dead - if she hadn't done that already.

* * *

Not everyone was around. Clay didn't care enough about the disagreement between the two prospects to leave his house, Happy and Kozik were still at Happy's aunt and Jax had undoubtedly decided to celebrate his engagement in a better way than looking at two fighting guys.

Bobby stood next to him. "On who do you bet?"

Juice didn't know what had happened between the two boys this time, but he hoped Shane would give Miles hell either way. He must have provoked Shane anyway.

"I put ten on Shane. He threw Miles a good hook yesterday."

Shane looked over his shoulder as he heard his name. His face showed gratefulness and a bit awkwardly Juice rubbed his neck. Was the beginning of a friendship always feeling so... strange? On the one hand Juice could easily talk to Shane, pouring his heart out to him almost felt natural, but as soon as others were around, there was some strange tension he couldn't explain.

The hesitating smile Shane showed him, didn't make things better. Something in his stomach contracted and he quickly dug up his wallet to give Bobby the money.

"Now listen," he heard Chibs say to the two boys. "Inside this ring ye fight 'til there's no frustration left, then ye two hug it out and that shite is over. Got that?"

"Absolutely."

For some reason Miles' grin made Juice clench his fists. He felt like stepping into that ring to punch Miles himself. Where that thought was coming from, he didn't know. He'd seen many irritations end inside this ring, but for some reason it felt different this time.

Shane just nodded and climbed between the ropes to reach the ring. His movements were stiff and he'd gritted his teeth.

"Why you keepin' your shirt on?" Miles taunted. "Afraid to show your little tits?"

A pink tinge spread across Shane's face. Still his voice sounded grim as he answered: "I rather keep it on."

Miles rolled his eyes. "You always have to be special, huh?"

"Take off your shirt," Chibs told him. His face showed he wasn't happy about all this bullshit at all.

"I..." Shane moved his hands to the hem of his shirt.

Juice raised his eyebrows, wondering why the hell he was making such a big deal out of it.

Hesitating Shane pulled up his shirt until his midriff. There was a bandage around his stomach.

"I'm afraid it will infect if there's no shirt to ward off germs."

Juice walked to the edge of the ring before he was aware of it. "You wanted to fight? With  _that?_ What the hell happened to you?"

Shane bowed his head, his blonde lock hid his face partially. "I've been shivved last night, when I wanted to enter my house. But you all have so many things on your mind and..."

"You've been  _shivved?"_ he snapped. "Without tellin' us?!" His voice echoed through the room and he noticed the others gave him a surprised look. He didn't care. He'd just talked to that guy for half an hour without knowing some kind of asshole had shivved him? He'd just vented his issues with the drug deal and Shane didn't even bother to tell him there was a fucking stab wound in his stomach?

"Why didn't ye say somethin'?" Chibs asked, also irritated.

The boy shrugged his shoulders. "It was a Russian guy. Figured it had something to do with yesterday, vengeance or something. Thought y'all had enough shit on your mind and I'm fine. I'm still alive."

 _I'm still alive._ A shiver crept down Juice's spine and he looked at Shane with newfound respect.

Chibs put an arm around Shane's shoulder and pressed his forehead against that of the boy. "You're with us now, Shane. If club matters cause you even a small bruise, I want to know about it. Got that?"

Shane nodded briefly. "Yeah."

"Good. Well, we'll do this later. Assume you've been to a doctor?"

"Yeah..."

"Good. Go home, boy. Take a break. I'll make sure someone will come by your house every day to see how you're doin'."

"Thanks," Shane muttered.

Juice caught a glance from Chibs and nodded. He would go with the boy and make sure nobody would come to finish the job.

* * *

Hi all! I started another fanfic, about Juice in high school, so if you want to check it out; it's called "Last Kiss Goodbye". (: 


	16. Missions

Miles gritted his teeth as he watched Juice and Shane leave. Like every time the boy was around, all his muscles tensed. He wasn't a resentful person at all, but Shane... since day one he made his blood boil.

Something was off with him. Miles just  _felt_ he couldn't be trusted, but up to now all he had were his feelings and he couldn't share his objections with anyone. He was just a prospect. If he hinted that he didn't trust one of his so-called brothers without having proof Shane was really keeping things from them, they would kick him out of the club. For the brotherhood nothing was more important than trust. But Miles couldn't change the fact he just didn't trust the guy. He'd tried to ignore the feeling, but it became only worse and by now he just hated the guy.

It was that simple.

And he was the only one.

The past days he'd tried to push the guy to his limits, which was easier now Shane's sponsor wasn't around, but he still didn't dare to express his disgust. Kozik valued his peace, said he had a good brain and that he had nerves of steel.

How he'd came to that conclusion, Miles didn't know. He rather had the feeling Shane was  _always_ nervous, as if he was trying to hide something. He was often looking around like he was afraid to get caught and he was always so reserved, so well-behaving... Miles couldn't imagine what he hoped to find within an MC. And the way he'd stroked Half-Sack's picture yesterday... A shiver crept down his spine. He was a real freak.

But all the others were blind.

Now Miles was putting on his shirt again and prepared to leave, he heard the others talk. They found it impressive Shane had tried to hide a stab wound and that he'd been even willing to fight.

But Miles found it more suspicious than impressive. Suddenly becoming some kind of hero was pretty convenient. Nobody would forget an action like this and Miles had the feeling all other prospects faded next to Shane. Miles was only separated a few weeks from his full-patch and more and more the thought plagued him that Shane would fuck things up for him.

He took a deep breath before he would punch someone in the face and walked outside. He would find out what secret Shane was keeping. He would find evidence to prove Shane's unreliability and then they would be impressed by  _him._

* * *

Her plan had succeeded. She still couldn't fully believe it. 

Things had gone a bit different than planned: she hadn't expected Juice to drop down on her couch fifteen minutes after the cancelled fight. She felt pretty awkward now he was in her house. Luckily she'd known there was a chance one of the men would ever enter her house, so she'd hidden her pictures. 

"You goin' to tell me what happened?" Juice asked after he'd figured out how the espresso maker worked. 

Alex shrugged her shoulders and grumbled as the wound below her chest stung. "There ain't much to tell. I just wanted to put the key into the keyhole when someone stepped out of the shadows and stabbed me. I screamed and when a passerby came to help, the man snarled something I didn't understand and ran for his life. A woman took me to the emergency room, where they patched me up."

Juice's glance made her feel a little nervous. He kept staring at her, as if he sensed she was lying. She even started to sweat and quickly aimed her eyes at the mug in her hands. 

"You should have told me. This morning."

The hurt in his voice surprised her. She stared at the ground. "I figured you had enough on your plate."

Through her eyelashes she peeked at him. He'd turned his body toward her, his back against the armrest, his left knee against the backrest and his right foot on the ground. Her heart started to beat faster as she imagined how it would feel to snuggle up to him. To feel his hard chest against her back and to be surrounded by his strong arms. And how her body would shiver as his lips traveled down her neck and his warm breathing would brush her skin...

"You shouldn't neglect your own feelings." His voice pulled her out of her daydream. "I'm burdenin' you with my shit too. You're supposed to do the same."

Alex smiled lightly while blowing in the warm drink. "I still have to get used to that," she admitted. "I just... I just never had someone I could always vent to."

It was partially true. She could tell everything to Mila, but she wasn't always listening. Then she was physically present, but her head was too full with her own thoughts.

"Would you have kept your mouth shut if there hadn't been a fight?"Juice asked, his eyes a little wider. 

She shrugged her shoulders. "Dunno. It just felt strange to say 'hey guys, I've been shivved last night.'"

Juice pulled up the corner of his mouth. 

Alex focused on her mug again. Looking away from his lips was becoming harder and harder and she could feel the truth nearing her own lips. A part of her wanted to tell him who she was. They had a connection, maybe they could go on a real date if she told him she was a girl and stopped with all of this. Maybe she would miss the chance to be with the love of her life because she was so desperately looking for the presence of her brother. 

He was gone. But Juice was still here. 

And he'd awaken something inside her that hadn't been there for a very long time. 

But still... she knew Juice for only three days. She didn't want to give up her plan so quick, no matter how much she liked him. 

"You told your girl about it?"

Alex forced her thoughts to go back to the conversation. Slowly she shook her head. "No... she's still angry."

"She is? Shit man..."

She nodded slowly. "Yeah... you better keep that in mind when you have a girl yourself. Don't spend the night in the house of a handsome man." She showed him a crooked smile as she saw him smirk. "Or with a hot girl. Have the feeling she wouldn't have liked that either."

"I'll remember that," he answered with a grin that made her tingle from top to toe. He stood up and knelt down in front of her DVD collection. 

Alex watched his arched back and the inches of skin right above his waistband. Then her eyes wandered off to his jeans that sat tight around his good looking ass and she felt her longing for him flame up again. Quickly she turned away her head before he would feel her scorching gaze. The thought  _she_ could become that new girlfriend, she shove as far away as possible. 

_Keep your mission in mind. You didn't jam a knife in your stomach to jump into bed with him. If you'd really wanted that, you should have thought about that before you carried out such a desperate action._

 


	17. Cow Girls

A week had passed since Alex had stabbed herself. Except Miles, all her brothers had stepped by once, but none of them as often as Juice. The past week they'd really gotten closer. They'd watched at least half of her DVD collection and they could talk for hours – one time even until the sun was already coming up the next day. He'd told her that night how the vote had ended: the deal with the Galindo Cartel had pulled through. That same day he'd also spent some hours at the police station for bullshit reasons. Smashing up the clubhouse clearly hadn't been satisfying enough for the pigs and they were looking for more toes to step on. Juice had seemed a little upset, even though it was an insignificant charge because he'd had a bag of weed on him while having a pass. Alex had the feeling there was more to it than just that, but she hadn't insisted. He knew he could tell her whatever was keeping his mind busy and if he still decided to keep things to himself, she accepted that. After all, they only knew each other for a week, even though it felt much longer.

Tonight she would go to the clubhouse for the first time this week. Because the wound wasn't completely healed she had permission to stay away a little longer, but it was Halloween today and she wanted to celebrate it with the others. She just wanted to have a party with them. Especially at a moment like that she hoped to feel something of the brotherhood that had persuaded her brother to stay with these people.

It however wasn't without taking risks again.

Juice had told her it was customary for the prospects to dress as girls; they were forced to wear a dress and make-up. Without a doubt it would be hilarious to see Miles all dressed up and with lipstick, but she feared the reactions she would trigger herself. While the others would embarrass themselves, she was afraid she wouldbe looking good. Hopefully it would only bring her some giggling responses because she really looked like a chick, but in the worst case the penny would drop and they would see her for what she really was: a girl.

At least she was feeling worried enough to give Mila a call, to reach out for her help. It hadn't been an easy decision: she hadn't talked to her friend in a week because she'd been too scared to tell her what she'd done. She should have told her about the knife attack immediately – in the meantime she wouldn't buy it.

When the bell rang, she felt a knot in her stomach. She'd postponed this moment far too long. Staying in character just had been easier without anyone reminding her of her old life and that was something she should feel ashamed of. Mila had always been there for her.

She walked to the front door and gave her friend an apologetic smile.

"Man, I thought you'd grown tired of me." Mile gave her such a tight hug she almost fell.

"It was a rough week," Alex muttered as she turned around and led her to the living room. "I've been stabbed and I was too scared to tell you."

Mila's mouth dropped open. "You  _what?!"_

"Yeah. Club shit." Nervously she ran a hand across her head. These days she was lying so easily she was doing it now without even thinking about it and it gave her a bad feeling. As if she was losing herself. "That's at least what I told the guys," she added therefore, sitting down on the couch.

With large, expectant eyes Mila looked at her.

"That shit with Miles was getting worse and worse and they wanted us to fight it out in the ring. You know, without a shirt. So I wounded myself to get out of it."

"Holy shit, Lex! Are you out of your mind? Did you stab yourself?" Her eyes almost popped out of their eye sockets, so stunned she seemed to be.

"I'm almost healed," Alex dismissed her worries. "Have been home all week."

"While you were wounded? Jeez, I could have helped you!"

"The guys were around."

Mila raised her eyebrows and gave her an intense look. "The guys? Or one guy in particular?"

Alex felt her cheeks getting hot.

"Unbelievable..." Mila shook her head. "He knows you're a girl?"

"No," she muttered. "Don't dare to tell him."

"And you're right," Mila grumbled. "Man, he will be really pissed off when he discovers you lied to him all those time."

"I know, okay?" She sighed. "We just can get along very well. He needs someone to vent too. There's so much shit going on." She kept silent for a while. She didn't plan to talk much longer about Juice. "There's a Halloween party tonight and you need to go there with me. None of the guys who've been in prison have seen you, they're starting to doubt you even exist."

Mila heaved a deep sigh. It was clear she'd rather do something else. Still she nodded. "Okay, fine. You got a costume?"

"I eh... I have to dress up like a girl. All prospects got to." She hesitated. "So I need something that is both sexy and ridiculous, making me  _not_ look like a girl."

Mila looked at her with a blank face. "Right... Got any more impossible demands?"

* * *

The most ridiculous thing was her hair ‒ the only thing she hadn't changed. Mila had gotten her a dress she'd worn on a theme party of her university last year. It was equipped with a matching cowboy hat and a pair of boots that were too small for Alex. The dress ended an inch above her knees and there was a belt around her waist with a silver horseshoe. There was no cleavage visible and the garment was a bit wide because Mila wasn't as skinny as Alex. She had decided to wear no make-up because that  _really_ made her look like a girl. If they really insisted on it, they had to put on her face themselves ‒ and they would most likely ruin it anyway.

She felt more insecure in a dress than ever. Maybe she wasn't looking outspoken female, but manly, well... no. The only thing that made her feel manly now, were her unshaven legs.

"I'm nervous," she sighed to the reflection in the mirror.

"You're going to be fine." Mila patted her shoulder. She was wearing a cowboy costume herself and for the occasion she'd stuck a mustache to her face. "Just keep on the side."

"Miles hasn't seen me for a week, he must really miss me," Alex grumbled. "I bet he's going to do all he can to focus everyone's attention on me."

"Let him be," Mila snorted. "Don't let him turn you inside out. We're just going to have fun, you and I. That's been far too long!" An excited smile appeared on her face. "And I'm  _so_ curious to that new flame of yours! Let's just hope he won't look  _too close_ at you tonight." She winked.

Alex feigned a smile, but she lacked enthusiasm herself. Actually she didn't look forward to the fact dat Mila would get to know Juice and deep down she knew that was also a reason she'd kept her friend away the past week.

 


	18. Chemistry

With Mila's car they drove to the club house, so Alex could drink as much as she wanted. After they'd parked the vehicle, they left the car. Alex wrapped an arm around Mila's waist while they walked up to the clubhouse. Still the nerves were bubbling up and with every step she took, she felt worse.

Next to the entrance Happy and Kozik were talking and smoking. They both smirked as she caught their attention and her sponsor whistled on his fingers. Alex felt immediately more confident and grinned back. She introduced Mila to Happy. Her stiff movements gave away she found him a creep. Alex chuckled inwardly. If her friend would know what crimes Happy had done, she would probably never ever set a foot in Charming again. 

A few steps further, Gemma was waiting for them. Her eyes lit up as she saw them. "I'm happy to see the both of you," she said, kissing them on the cheek. 

Mila underwent the greeting impassively, even though she looked at the woman as if she could turn into a dragon any moment. 

Even though she could really do that, metaphorically speaking. 

"I'd almost forgotten how intense she could be," Mila whispered as they headed for the bar. 

"Be happy she likes you."

Alex's eyes wandered through the room, looking for Juice. She didn't plan to go to him immediately, she just wanted to know where he was. 

Again she felt a warm breathing next to her ear. "Good Lord, if that's him I totally understand why you've fallen so hard for him."

Alex turned her head the other side, in the direction Mila was signalling with her eyes not so subtly. Jax was talking to Opie and Lyla, with Tara on his side. A small smirk played around Alex's lips. 

"No, that's Jax. He's with Tara. They engaged a week ago, so you better forget about him."

Mila pouted her lip, even though Alex knew her friend would rather start a relationship with a 70-year-old than with a criminal. 

"Hey!"

Suddenly Juice stood next to them. He cast Mila a curious glance and gave Alex a meaningful stare. 

 _Yep, we worked things out,_ she tried to tell him non-verbally, and the nod Juice gave her, convinced her he indeed got the message.

Despite all the time they'd spend together the past week, she felt her cheeks glow now he was suddenly standing next to her. He wasn't wearing a very daring costume, but she knew where his inspiration was coming from. He was wearing a dark jeans, a white shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a blue and white tie, equipped with the Ravenclaw emblem.

"Wow, you wear a daring costume," she said with a smirk. They'd watched the first two Harry Potter movies yesterday and he'd clearly been impressed by it. 

"We're not all made to wear dresses." His eyes wandered across her body, and she barely dared to breathe. "Well, don't know if it's a compliment but dresses suit you. At least more than the other guys."

It indeed felt like a compliment and she could feel her cheeks turn red again. She chuckled a bit awkwardly and bumped her shoulder against his. Right after that, she felt a not so subtle elbow in her side. 

"Oh, right..." she said – even more clumsy. "This is Mila. Mila, this is Juice."

The two shook hands. 

"Come, let's have a drink," Mila said before a conversation could take place. She hooked her arm around Alex's and stepped away from Juice. Alex cast her friend an apologetic look and walked to the bar, where she ordered two beers.

"You don't like him?" Alex guessed, quietly, so nobody would hear her words.

Mila wrinkled her nose. "Of all people who are around you pick one with such an idiot haircut? And with tattoos  _on his head_?" Then she pulled up the corner of her mouth. "But other than that, he's kinda cute."

Alex leaned with her elbows on the bar while drinking from the small bottle. "Then why did you drag me away so abruptly?"

"Because you forgot I was existing at all," she hissed, her head even closer to Alex's. "You forgot  _anyone_ , except for him! Man, there's such a chemistry between you two it's a miracle the whole club isn't feeling that!"

"We're just friends."

Mila briefly looked over her shoulder. "Lex, he's staring at you. He's  _checking out your ass,_ to be more specific."

Alex choked in her beer and started to cough. As soon as she'd regained control of her breathing, she glared at her friend. "Don't be such a brat. He thinks I'm a guy." She gritted her teeth. "You know? This was the reason I didn't want to introduce you to him. Because you would imply dumb things like this. And we're whispering like some gossip girls. I'm going to play pool." She signaled her eyes to the side. "Maybe you should congratulate Lyla with her wedding and make a  _real_ attempt to get to know her. She's cool."

She turned away from her friend and walked to the pool table, where some of her brothers were already standing with a cue in their hands. For some reason she felt a bitch for leaving her friend at the bar, but she no longer wanted to hear her moronic suspicions and she needed to spend time with her brothers, since she'd barely seen them last week. 

 


	19. Lap Dance

Alex drank a bit more than might be wise, but not so much she no longer knew what she was doing. And it wasn't exactly her fault; every time her opponents got a ball in a hole, Phil and she had to take a shot. And, well, they weren't as practiced as Tig and Bobby. Furthermore Mila's remark kept constantly racing through her mind. She knew it made no sense, but still she had a hard time to not look at Juice.

From the place where she was lining up the ball now, he was in clear sight. He was sitting on the couch talking to Chibs, both with an arm around the shoulder of a croweater. It was a blonde girl who'd draped one leg over his knee and Alex saw she was constantly pushing back her shoulders, hoping her breasts would attract his attention. A bit absent-minded he was picking at her hair while her hand was rubbing up and down his chest while she whispered things in his ear.

Alex couldn't help it she wanted to cut off the girl's hand. Of course she could have foreseen something like this would happen tonight, but she'd been too occupied with her own appearance to think about anything else. But seeing him with other women caused a dull feeling in her stomach and pulled down the corners of her lips.

She focused on the ball again, lined up and made the white ball hit the blue one.  _(*I kinda suck in describing this game in English so if you now how to say this properly, please let me know*)._  The ball didn't end up in the hole and with a soft sigh she stepped back so the next one could take his position.

A few drinks later her hurt feelings seemed to have subsided. Juice was playing poker on one of the tables and even though there was another girl behind him now who was massaging his neck, she was glad he hadn't kissed anyone up to now. She had also left the pool table and was now standing behind the bar, pouring drinks. The place was crowded, so she was stuck with Miles as well. He'd filled glasses the past hour too, but after Rat had thrown up fifteen minutes ago and seeming too drunk to hold a glass at all, Miles had to take his place. Up to now she'd managed to ignore him and Miles himself neither seemed to be in the mood to make a scene.

From the corner of her eyes she looked at the two men next to her. A smile played her lips at the sight of their clothes. Phil was wearing a flower dress that he must have borrowed from his grandma, just like his old-fashioned sandals. Miles was even wearing heels, contrary to Alex who'd found her black boots cowboy-ish enough. Other than that, Miles was wearing a black skirt under which she could still see his boxers, and a black crop top with some kind of blouse made of lace, including long sleeves and a collar. Here and there the fabric was already torn because it was too small for him. The top he was wearing was filled with socks, she could even see them from here.

Both guys were equipped with bright colored eye shadow and lipstick, and there was even blush on Phil's cheeks. They looked like two clowns – just like one would expect from boys like them putting on make-up themselves.

A shrill whistle sounded. Alex turned her head to the left, by now she recognized Chibs' way of getting attention. She grabbed a few drinks and walked to the table where she put the glasses down. In front of Chibs laid quite some money, he seemed to do much better than Juice and Tig.

"Hey doll..." Right before she wanted to walk away, Tig's fingers wrapped around her wrist. "Bring in the other two pretty girls as well, will you?"

A little awkward she breathed in. Tig's grin told her something embarrassing was awaiting them, but she was at least happy the other two prospects also would have to undergo whatever Tig wanted from them. While walking back to the bar she made sure Mila was still enjoying herself. Luckily she seemed to have found a friend in Tara. Alex told Phil and Miles what Tig had said to her and the three of them headed to the poker players, while two croweaters took their places behind the bar.

"Tell us... you feelin' a bit girly yet?" Tig moved his eyebrows up and down. "For I... would like to have lap dance from you."

Chibs slapped his hand on the pile of money next to him. "Let's say: this pot is for the one who's giving the best lap dance." He rushed into laughing and knocked over a glass without noticing. He was also far gone.

"And who will be the judge?" Miles asked with raised eyebrows, who didn't seem to be in the mood for a private dance.

"I am." Suddenly Alex felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. When she looked to the side, she saw it was Kozik. His other hand was resting on Phil's shoulder and he leaned too much to the left to be completely sober. "So. Pick one of those handsome men, go wild and I'll decide who has the best lap dance qualities."

Alex aimed her eyes forward again. Her hands felt clammy. She peeked at Juice, who looked up frowning, as if he was only by now realizing he was also volunteering for this.

"Well, you can have Tig," she said with a smirk to Miles. Even though she'd never done a lap dance before, she was hundred percent sure the other two men would feel even more embarrassed than she. Alex however wanted to stay away from Tig, she could see his hands disappear underneath her skirt and if he wasn't finding there what he was looking for, she would hang. Chibs' reaction was harder to estimate, but it wasn't much of a choice for her. As if she would miss the chance to sit on Juice's lap. He was probably the only one who would cause no nightmares. Even though the look in Juice's eyes was neither very bright, he seemed more sober than the other two and she trusted him more than anyone else. Of course this would be awkward as hell, but she doubted she would feel much safer on Chibs' lap.

When the other two prospects kept looking at each other sheepishly, she took the initiative, walked up to Juice and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Well well... you can't wait a second longer, can you?" Miles mocked.

"We're not all shittin' our pants," she answered, shrugging her shoulders. "It's just a lap dance. Don't make such a big deal of it."

Miles' face told her he'd wanted to respond, but in the end he walked with a dark face to Tig. Phil looked so nervous she could almost seehim sweating. Chibs roared with laughter and patted on his thighs twice in an inviting gesture.

Suddenly the music changed into something more sensual and Alex noticed more people gathering around them to watch the spectacle. Alex circled around Juice's chair while her finger traced a trail across his shoulders. She was glad she was at least a bit tipsy, otherwise her face had probably been flaming red. She straddled him and hovered over to his ear.

"Just imagine I'm a girl," she whispered. "You don't need to do anything. I need to win this."

She looked him briefly in the eye. His face was so close she intended to not do that more often, for kissing him now would be the biggest disaster she could think of. To distract herself, she looked to the left. Phil barely moved and stared with a cramped face past an almost giggling Chibs and next to her she heard Tig whisper things that made her feel ice cold. She hung her wrists loosely over Juice's shoulders. On the rhythm of the music she started to move her upper body, and soon her hips followed. She pressed a finger against his tie, glided down until its ending. Then she wrapped her fingers around the tie, pulled him closer and looked playfully in his eyes.

 _Don't kiss him. Don't kiss him,_  she told herself continuously.

A nervous laugh escaped Juice's lips, but he kept his face straight and she had the feeling they know each other too well to really make a big deal out of this.

* * *

It was weird to have a man on his lap. Juice however was glad it wasn't Phil or Miles, and he leaned back as relaxed as he could while he looked at Shane. Now and then his sight glazed over. Then he pretended it was really a girl that was straddling him, and it wasn't very hard to imagine. However, when he noticed he was getting hard, he widened his eyes in shock and saw Shane's face again. His initial reaction was to push Shane away, but right when he wanted to do so, fingers stroked his cheek and he felt a strange twist in his stomach. His fingers were soft and his tender caress made his mouth feel dry.

_It's a girl. Just pretend it's a girl._

He didn't want to make a scene, he didn't want to cause a reason the others would laugh at them. There was no doubt Shane had felt he'd gotten hard, but clearly he could forget about it. So why couldn't he?

Instead of watching Shane's face, he looked at his upper body. The breasts weren't very large and he wondered what he'd put in the bra. Socks? Toilet paper? Maybe it was his drunken head, maybe it was just curiosity, but suddenly his hands glided to the breasts and squeezed. They felt firm, very different from what he'd expected and he looked up in confusion.

"They feel real," he muttered a bit dazed. His last word ended in a soft moan because Shane was moving his lower body exactly past his erection. And it felt good, so good...

Suddenly he felt hotter than hell. He was no longer aware of Chibs and Tig, not even of Shane. It was no longer Shane who was giving him a lap dance, he could only see and feel a hot chick. His hands glided up the thighs of the dancer, the skin was smooth and soft. He raised his head, saw the horny look in the eyes of the other and suddenly he could no longer ignore those lips that had parted a little. His hand glided to her neck and he pulled her head closer. A sigh brushed his lips before he touched hers and a moment later his tongue slipped inside her mouth. The piercing felt cold against his lip and his tooth bumped to the piece of metal as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss.

It felt good – way to good to realize who he was actually kissing.


	20. Little Cracks

"Holy shit, look at that!"

Mila turned her head aside when she heard Jax's voice close to her. Subconscious she'd focused on everything he said and did: she just found him incredibly hot. 

She however forgot about the man when she saw to what he was referring. 

Alex and Juice were kissing. 

Of course she'd seen how the three prospects had to do a lap dance, but when she'd figured Alex could keep herself in control and that it would be weird if she, as Shane's girlfriend, would be watching it closely, she'd ignored the rest of their intimate dance. 

Now she however blinked her eyes to convince herself she wasn't hallucinating. But she wasn't, even the astonishing laughter from everyone around them told her so.

They  _were_ kissing. 

And they were pouring their whole heart into it. 

Alex had stopped with her lap dance and wrapped her arms around the biker's neck. Juice's hand was in her neck, the other stroked the side of her thigh. 

"Shit Lex," she grumbled. She pushed her way through the crowd and grabbed the arm of her 'boyfriend'. She pulled Alex off Juice's lap and slapped her in the face. "What the fuck,  _Shane_?!" she squealed, hoping her response was convincing. 

Even though she was really mad. What the hell was she thinking? For weeks Mila had been afraid the Sons would find out Shane was secretly a girl. In the beginning she'd found it a good joke, but in the meantime she knew with what kind of men they were dealing and how serious they were about their little club. And now she'd just kissed one of those men. 

She felt everyone was looking at her and she hated to be in the spotlight. Quickly she turned around and ran away, out of the clubhouse. That had to be dramatic enough, right? She heard Alex yell her name and pulled up the corner of her mouth nonetheless. 

_This is such a dumb masquerade._

A few steps away from the entrance she dropped down at the ground, with her back against the fence. A moment later Alex squatted down in front of her. The light of a lamppost shone upon them and she could see the confusion in her friend's eyes.

Mila peeked at the entrance before moving her attention to Alex again, but luckily no one cared about them. When she focused on her friend again, she saw her brushing her lips with her finger tips. 

"What the hell were you thinking?" Mila grumbled, who wanted to beat the love-struck look out of her eyes. "Kissing him in the middle of a crowded clubhouse, you really thought that would be a good idea?!"

Alex looked at her. There was still a wild look in her eyes. "He kissed me... All of a sudden he touched my breasts, then his hand glided underneath my skirt and he held my leg so tight... and the next moment he laid his hand in my neck, pulled my face close and started kissing me."

The way she was talking, convinced Mila she was tipsy, but she wasn't drunk. A little in shock she stared at her friend. "He – he kissed  _you_?"

She nodded, with a blush on her cheeks.

Mila wasn't  _really_ surprised. The first time she'd seen those two together, she'd felt something was going on between them, even though they didn't realize that themselves. She'd even caught him staring at her ass!

"He's just drunk," Alex muttered. But she didn't sound very convincing. Then she bit her lip. "Or do you think he knows? That I'm a girl?"

Mila thought about it for a while. How would she know? She didn't know that guy. "Don't you think he would have said something about it?"

With a sigh Alex nodded. 

"Maybe he's just sensing it without knowing, and maybe that's why he feels attracted to you."

Alex bowed her head and heaved a deep sigh. "Oh shit... He will feel so confused now..."

Mila didn't doubt that. The clubhouse wasn't exactly a gay bar, these men were bursting with testosteron. 

"You think he felt it?" Mila asked after a while. "I mean... You were sitting on his lap without a pants or something. You think he felt there was, uh, nothing?"

Alex face became paler. "Oh fuck..." Then her cheeks got red. "I've certainly felt  _him..._ "

Despite the situation Mila chuckled. 

Alex looked over her shoulder to the clubhouse, as if she was afraid Juice was telling the truth to the others now and they could come for her any moment.

"I don't know..." she said quietly. "I need to talk to him."

Right after saying those words, Juice left the clubhouse. He wasn't alone, a brunette was holding his hand. For a moment he looked at them. She heard how Alex held her breath when their eyes met, then Juice turned around, lifted the girl so she could wrap her legs around his waist, pushed her against the wall of the building and started to kiss her. 

"Come," Mila said softly when Alex stared at them, petrified. She took her hand and helped her on her feet. "Don't look at them."

A tear slipped down Alex's cheek.

Mila felt her stomach contents rise when the croweater started to moan loudly and when she looked at the couple, despite her own advice, she saw Juice was just having his way with her, here, where everyone could see them. 

"What a pig," she grumbled. "Even if he's drunk or only doing this to convince himself he's straight. You deserve someone better, Lex. Not someone who's fucking girls in public."

Alex didn't hear her. She kept staring at the couple. Mila didn't blame her. She found the sight of those two shocking, how much worse would it feel to have a crush on one of them? 

She laid an arm around Alex's waist as she guided her to the car. From the corner of her eyes she saw Alex was fighting the tears. 

"It ain't that bad," she said softly, trying to cheer up her friend. "Whether he's drunk or trying to convince himself he's not gay: at least he doesn't know you're a girl. Then he would have acted in a whole different way." She gave  Alex an encouraging smile. "And that's what matters most, right? You have to earn your top rocker first. You can always date him after that. If you're still interested in that after... this."

 


	21. Surrender

Her nails were digging in his neck. Her panting blew in his ear. "Deeper baby, deeper." She moaned so loudly it was distracting him from what he was doing and he had to keep himself from choking her. He pushed his lips against hers to silence her while he kept thrusting inside her. A heavy feeling arose in his chest. He got cramps in his right leg and he sped up his pace, squeezing her tit. 

Why did it take so long? What the hell was wrong with him?

His thoughts shot back to the lap dance. To the way Shane's fingers had glided down his face, and how his own hand had grabbed his tight while desire was taking him over. For a moment he imagined it was Shane's tongue moving around in his mouth now, but Shane's kiss had been more tender – and more  _real._

The memory of the kiss made the blood stream through his veins in a neck breaking pace and before he realized it, his breathing was cut off and he came, moaning. For a moment he kept leaning against the croweater, then he let go of her, hid his stuff in his pants and fastened his belt. He ignored the wronged look of the girl because he left it at that, lighted up a joint and looked around to see where Shane was.

His head was too chaotic to make sense of anything, but he did know he had to apologize. He had no idea what had gotten into him – but Shane's girl had been mad and he didn't want to be the reason of their break-up. And he had to tell Shane he wasn't gay. It just – well, he didn't know. He didn't know how this could have happened. He'd just forgotten Shane was a man, it seemed. The alcohol had clouded all his senses. 

That Shane had kissed him back, was also bothering him. Had he felt obliged to do so? A few days ago Tig had told him to suck him. Did he think that was a normal thing for prospects to do? Had Shane felt compelled to grant Juice's wishes because he hadn't earned his top rocker yet? That thought made him feel sick, as if he had misused his power as a full patch member to get what he wanted. He couldn't imagine Shane had wanted to kiss him. Even though he'd been hard as hell when Shane was doing his lap dance, he realized now Shane hadn't been excited at all. Juice hadn't felt the slightest swelling. Unfortunately – for that would have shaken him up immediately. But Shane had just followed orders, nothing more and nothing less.

And now he was afraid he'd also destroyed Shane's relationship.

Mila and Shane however were nowhere to be seen and he hoped they'd gone home to have good make up sex. That thought brought him back to his own quickie, that hadn't exactly worked out as he'd hoped. He had been convinced any random croweater could expel those strange feelings for Shane, but he'd barely felt the girl's touches.

But maybe it wasn't him. Maybe he should have picked a girl he felt at least a bit attracted too. But he'd believed  _every_ girl could please him if even  _a man_ could do it.

He took a deep breath, turned around and entered the club house again, where he had to go through the laughter of the others. He walked sideways, hoping everybody would think he was drunk so he could claim it had just been a dumb drunken action the next morning. But Shane himself... he wouldn't buy it and Juice was already dreading the moment he had to face him again.

* * *

That night Juice drank until he was vomiting, kissed more girls than he could count and woke up next morning with no less than three naked girls in his bed. What he'd done with them, he couldn't remember, nor what his response on them had been. The first images his pounding head was revealing him, where those of the lap dance and the kiss. 

Annoyed he pressed his lips together. By now he was sober. He'd hoped those memories had vanished, or at least would leave him indifferent. But there was still a weird feeling in his stomach and he started to doubt himself.

Was there a chance he really had feelings for Shane? The thought to have sex with a man made him feel sick. He moved closer to one of the sleeping girls and wrapped an arm around her. He loved girls. He loved their bodies. Shane had looked like a girl yesterday and that must have messed with his mind, but he should be able to get over it now, right?

With a sigh he turned on his side. His hand glided across the warm skin of the croweater and he hugged her right breast as he pressed his lips to her shoulder. 

He just wanted to forget about the feelings Shane called up. 

But somewhere deep inside him there was a gnawing feeling that this hadn't started yesterday. Hadn't there been more times his friendship with Shane had felt weird? Different from any other friendship? Eventually he'd told himself Shane kinda felt like the little brother he never had, but after yesterday he could toss that explanation away as well. One didn't kiss his little brother. He tasted bile in his mouth when he realized he had not only kissed a man, but also one that was barely twenty. Shane was  _thirteen years_ younger than he was. It never felt that way, but suddenly he was very aware of the age gap between them and he was disgusted with himself. 

Without being aware of it, he'd clenched his hand around the girls' breast into a fist. The croweater turned around and looked at him with a sleepy smile. She caressed his cheek and if she could see the lost look in his eyes, she climbed on top of him. 

"Just relax," she whispered. Her hand rubbed up and down his member until he got hard and he ran his hands across her large breasts as she led him inside her and started to ride him slowly. 

A sigh escaped Juice's lips. He lowered his hands and focused on the hands that moved across his chest, the warmth that surrounded him and that great feeling only women could give him. His eyes started to droop while he surrendered himself to her and his thoughts slowly drifted away from the friendship he might have destroyed the day before.


	22. Fitting In

_This is a long one, hope you'll enjoy it!_

* * *

Even though Juice could usually eat half of the fridge after a good party – especially when he threw up his stomach contents – his appetite was now long way off. Coffee was enough for now, which he drank outside. Most of his brothers were sleeping it off, Happy and Kozik had been the only ones who were already up and they had only smirked at him without making any comments.

Now he was waiting for Shane. He hoped to talk with him before they were surrounded by the others. He didn't look forward to face the boy, but he wanted to get it over and done.

Juice had just finished his coffee when a bike rolled up the parking lot. He felt his stomach cringe as the boy climbed off his Harley and took off his helmet. Annoyed he gritted his teeth. Where there hell were those feelings coming from? With every step Shane came closer, he felt his heart race faster and faster. 

What would he say? Would he claim Juice had destroyed his relationship with his stupid action?

"Hey." Shane sat down beside him on the picknick table and took a cigarette from the box that was lying next to him. 

_Hey._

Really? That was it? No scolding – just  _hey_? 

A bit overwhelmed he looked at Shane, who calmly lit his cigarette. 

"You really gonna pretend nothing happened?"Juice asked puzzled. 

Shane shrugged. "I told Mila it was some kind of initiation prank. We're not in a fight or something."

Juice stared at his boots. Not for a moment he'd expected Shane would take it so lightly. From the corner of his eyes he peeked aside. But he had been thinking about last night. Otherwise he wouldn't have been around so early. He'd wanted to talk before the others were around, just like him. 

"I'm not gay," he blurted out. 

Shane chuckled softy. "If you were gay you would have smacked Happy. He's more man than I am."

Even though the idea made him almost gag, there was still a smirk playing around Juice's lips. 

"Well, my tits are gone," Shane said, rubbing across his chest. "So that might help. And Mila's dress... man, her wearing that thing is always turning me on."

For some reason Juice didn't like thinking about that. Before he could descend in his confusing thoughts again, the boy nudged his shoulder. 

"What? Still wanna kiss me?"

Juice looked at him. His gaze was drifting to Shane's lips immediately. Quickly he shook his head, even though the chaos in his head was so enormous there was no way he could tell what he was wanting or feeling.

"You didn't need to kiss me back," he said, without looking at Shane. "I know you have to follow our orders, but not things like that..."

It was quiet for a while. When he peeked aside carefully, he saw the boy had turned away his face. It made Juice feel even worse. He'd clearly felt compelled.

"Before I realized what was happening, Mila was already dragging me away."

Shane didn't look at him, and Juice doubted he spoke the truth. He remembered the kiss too well, it seemed the only memory that was left of last night. He had been the one pulling Shane's face close and pressing his lips on his, but it was Shane who'd brought his tongue into play. That must have been a conscious choice. 

* * *

Alex had expected Juice would be confused, but she hadn't seen his feelings of guilt coming. She however couldn't tell him she had  _wanted_ to kiss him, and acting like she had felt compelled was an easy way out.  

Because of her own guilty conscience, the truth was burning on her lips. She could end this. She could tell him she was a woman. But then he would feel betrayed – and she wouldn't gain anything. She doubted he would keep her secret, not now he'd kissed her in the middle of the clubhouse while there was already so much on his plate.

"You know... there's no point in dwelling on it. We did what we did." She shrugged her shoulders. "And Mila forgave me. I can live with it. Just another experience gained."

Juice looked up. His brown eyes were full of emotions and Alex swallowed a sigh. She had to press the fingers of her right hand together to keep herself from cupping his cheek. 

She bounced her shoulder against his. "Let's go inside. Might as well get over with it. They will make fun of us anyway."

"Thanks," he said quietly as they stood up. Alex studied his face, but when he tried to avoid her glance she looked the other way. "For not making a big deal out of it."

Alex pulled up the corner of her mouth. "Let's leave that up to the chicks, right? I only was one yesterday, remember?"

His lips curled up in a grin and her heart skipped a beat. She shoved her hand in her pocket because she wanted to grab his hand so badly. Since she'd been on his lap yesterday, touching him again was all she could think of. With her lips, her fingers, her tongue... she didn't care. She'd never longed so much for a man before and that kiss... that had absolutely given her a taste for more.

Much more.

But until she'd earned her top rocker that wouldn't happen and there was a fat chance this kiss would be the only one he would ever give her. She however didn't allow herself to complain. This was already so much more than she'd ever expected.

* * *

Of course Alex had counted on their harassment. When they walked to the others, they started to whistle immediately. She saw how Juice was nervously rubbing his neck and when he lowered his arm, she grabbed his hand and squeezed firmly to let him know she would do the talking. She swung their hands back and forth. 

"I never had such a warm welcome," she told the men who were drinking coffee on the couch or swallowing their breakfasts. "You look like a bunch of puppies in a pound, you all want to be our best man?"

The frowns on some of their faces made her grin, it was clear they didn't know if there was anything serious between Juice and her or not. 

"Maybe we should organize a double wedding. What do you think?" she asked the VP. "If we all chose two best men, at least half of the club will be happy. No disappointed faces and all."

Jax grinned back. "I'm all in, but for wedding plans you should go to my old lady."

Alex let go of Juice's hand and flopped next to Kozik on the couch. She turned to her sponsor. "I won Chibs' cash, right? I was clearly the best lap dancer. I mean –  Juice simply  _forgot_ I was a man. Or were Miles and Tig making out when my old lady was whippin' me?"

On the other side of the sitting area Miles snorted. "We're not all as gay as you are."

Kozik rose his eyebrow. "If you got a problem with gay people you better hand in your cut and sign up for the nazi club."

Miles bowed his head immediately and held his tongue. Alex bit back a smirk. Barely two weeks ago she thought those men weren't very tolerant regarding other sexes, but she knew better now she'd lived with Tig a couple of days.

Kozik aimed his attention to her again. "But you're right, you were absolutely the best."

After those words Chibs pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and handed her a pile of bills. "Earned well," he admitted with a wink. "I just hope you and your lass worked things out."

Alex took the money from him and put it away without figuring out how much it was. When the others wouldn't be around, she would give half of it to Juice. "I wet her pussy until her whole body was shaking like there was some fucking earthquake inside her. I'm sure I won't hear an angry word from her the rest of the week."

The men around her chuckled and Alex couldn't suppress a smile. It was hard to believe, but Juice had been her lifesaver by kissing her. She suddenly seemed to have found her angle with these guys.

* * *

Kozik kicked Shane's boot. "Get off your lazy ass now. Go help Rat cleaning up the mess of yesterday, you didn't do shit last night."

For a moment the boy seemed about to give a smart answer back, but he knew his limits better than his fellow prospect, just nodded and went looking for the cleaning supplies. Chibs followed him with his eyes until he was out of sight, then he turned back his head. 

"He's a good kid," he told the others. "I like him."

The past years he hadn't seen lots of prospects who would have dealt with such a situation so easily. There wasn't much that could throw him off guard. 

Except Miles.

His eyes wondered to the prospect. He'd bent his head, his hands were clenched to fists. For some time he was wondering what the hell was going on between those two, but now he had the feeling the problem was with Miles. It was jealousy underlying his behavior. 

"It's time to get to work, ladies," Chibs said as Clay entered the building. He stood up and stretched his back. After parties like yesterday he was always reminded to the fact he wasn't a young man anymore. He watched how the others filed out. Juice stared forward, looking a bit lost, and Chibs shook his head as he noticed he was staring at Shane.

He walked up to him and slapped his ass. Started, the boy looked aside. Chibs chuckled softly. "It's okay, kid. We all have our guilty pleasures. As long as ye leave the dead to Tig, nobody cares." He put an arm around the boy, knowing he could contemplate things for hours. He'd seen how desperately Juice had clung to every chick last night. Whether he had a thing for men or not, Chibs couldn't care less, but it was something he couldn't help his young friend with. He just hoped he could keep his head straight when they were going to do business with the cartel.

"Call SAMTAZ and tell 'm we'll leave within an hour," he added before Juice could stammer an answer. "Time to work, Juicy-boy."

Juice nodded, pulled out his burner from his pocket and walked to a quieter place to call. Clay stood next to him and stared at the door through which Juice just disappeared. 

"Those lovebirds... is that causing any trouble?" the president grouched. 

"Nah. The prospect is doin' well. Ain't an easy one to shake up."

Clay nodded. "Good. And Juice?"

Chibs shrugged. "By the time we're in Arizona, he'll have sorted everything out." He cast Shane another pensive glance. "But you better keep the prospect here. Such a long trip wouldn't do his stomach wound any good."

"Had already forgotten about that," Clay said, shaking his head. "He may look like a sissy teen, but he never complains, gotta give 'm that."  



	23. Drastic Measures

Juice had been relieved to hear the prospects stayed behind in the warehouse to prepare the transport of the drugs and guns, while the rest of the Sons went to Arizona to meet the cartel and visit their Southern brothers. The ride had taken at least sixteen hours and he had hoped that would be long enough to clear his mind, as usually happened during a run. 

But what had happened with Shane, kept bothering him. And now he was on guard in front of a shop where the others were violently interrogating someone, his thoughts shot back to the boy. 

He missed him. 

He missed having a smoke together, talking about things he couldn't talk with the others about. It had been two days since they left Charming and all this time he had wondered how Shane was feeling. He had taken the whole situation very lightly –almost too lightly. It was something Juice appreciated, even though there was an ever nagging voice in his head asking him why he  _did_  matter, why he couldn't let go of their kiss. Again and again he was confronted with the question if he'd became bisexual all of a sudden. He didn't want it, the thought he would do with a man what he loved to do with girls made him feel sick. 

But he couldn't deny his feelings for Shane. Tonight he had even dreamed his friend had turned out to be a girl. 

It was absurd and now and then Juice was on the verge of screaming. He just wanted to silence his thoughts, wanted to forget what had happened on that stupid Halloween party. But it wasn't easy to forget. His brothers found it hilarious and asked him continuously if he missed his fling. This morning Tig had been sitting next to him, and with a deadly serious face he had asked if they found pleasure in shaving each other's heads – and from there the step to shaving other body parts had been very easy. 

Juice tried to ignore all their remarks and usually he just laughed about it, but deep down their words hit him, making him doubt his sexuality more and more – something he had never done before. He wanted to vent his doubts to someone, he knew he really had to talk about it to keep his head from exploding, but there was no one he trusted with his confused feelings. 

Except Shane himself, maybe. He didn't know if he really dared to open up, but the boy wouldn't make fun of him and maybe he would genuinely try to help him get his thoughts straight. 

Juice slipped his hands in his pockets. His fingers curled around his cellphone. Again the thought to call Shane popped up. But what the hell should he tell him? The thought he just wanted to hear his voice, made him clench his fists.

This really had to stop. This whole thing was nuts.

But he had no idea how to stop his thoughts. Since he could barely sleep at night, he was feeling tired all day, giving access to his train of thoughts. A vicious circle from which he couldn't escape. 

* * *

Alex's thoughts weren't with Juice. They were with Miles. He had taken the lead on the warehouse more or less, now all the others had other tasks to carry out. She had expected him to take the opportunity to get under her skin, but he hadn't. He stayed in the background and now and then he was even  _smiling_  at her – which was the creepiest thing she'd ever seen.

She didn't trust him at all. 

He was up to something and the not-knowing terrified her. She was making mistakes, didn't finish the false bottoms of the crates smooth enough and dropped things. Maybe making her nervous was his only goal. Or maybe he didn't feel the urge to bring her down now there wasn't anyone to impress around. 

She could only guess...

* * *

Miles was indeed up to something. Since Halloween there was a hunch in his mind that refused to leave. That night he and the other prospects had all embarrassed themselves – but not Shane. He had looked damn good while wearing that dress. So good Juice even smacked him. To Miles' surprise nobody had made a big deal out of it. In fact, Miles even got a serve because he told them he  _wasn't_  gay. 

The thought about the morning after, made him grit his teeth again. It didn't matter what fucking thing Shane did, they were always worshiping him. All of them. Again and again that loser drew all attention to himself; first by that so-called knife-attack and later by making out with one of his own brothers. 

Because of the anger raging through his body, Miles breathed heavily. The past two days he had wanted nothing more than punching Shane in the face, but he had controlled himself. Such an action wouldn't help him. His aggression had brought him nothing but cold glares. This time he would do things differently. 

Now he would prove the club Shane wasn't the man he claimed to be. 

Miles had just picked up a new batch of wood and parked the van in a street close to Shane's house. Breaking in in broad daylight probably wasn't the best idea, but at least Shane's girlfriend would be working. Through a narrow alley he reached the garden gate of the boy's house. He climbed over it and lowered himself down. Grass muffled the jump and with quick steps he walked to the back of the house. His heart was hammering in his chest while he pressed his bag against his side. 

He pulled on the windows and smirked when one of them wasn't on the hook. With a small effort he opened it and climbed through it. 

"What an idiot," Miles grinned to himself, surprised it had been so easy. He put on his gloves and started his search through the house. 

* * *

"Holy shit." Miles held a tight, elastic shirt in his hands. During his search he'd found plenty of woman's clothes and underwear, but since Mila could be living here too, it didn't have to mean anything.

But this piece of cloth was certainly meant to hide tits, to look like a man. 

Ever since the Halloween party there had been the suspicion Shane was a girl; because of his smooth face, the fact he hadn't want to take off his shirt, the way he looked at Juice and the way they had made out at the party. 

But he had never fully believed it. 

Why would he? Why the hell would a woman pretend to be a man? His suspicions had been so far fetched, and at the same time it explained Shane's strange behavior immediately. It felt like Miles had sensed it from the very beginning. 

His discovery didn't decrease the hate he was feeling. On the contrary. The idea that it was  _a girl_ who had been humiliating him all this time and who was wrapping all his brothers around her slutty finger, made him grind his teeth. 

He was going to expose her. 

But not before he had taken revenge, not before she sat on her knees in front of him, showing him the respect he deserved. 


	24. Last Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! In The Netherlands we celebrate two days of Christmas, so I decided to do a little Christmas chapter today. It's a flashback of Alex, I hope you all like it. :)
> 
> Also a note about the time line; I had a hard time figuring out the SOA timeline and it's going to be a little different. Even though season 7 originally took place in 2014, season 4 is now taking place in 2017, otherwise it is going to conflict with Alex's background. In 2017 Alex is 27 years old and she was 5 years older than her brother (I might have noticed differently in the past chapters; I'm going to correct that). To refresh your memory; it's approximately 1 year and 10 months since Kip died, and Alex is now working at the garage for 8 months and she's a prospect for 2 months. Hope that's clear now. :)

 

* * *

_**Flashback - Day after Christmas, 2015** _

Alex hated Christmas. It called up old memories about the time Kip and she tiptoed down the stairs in the middle of the night and carefully removed the tape from the presents underneath the tree, to caught a glimpse of the contents. Usually she was the one picking the tape while Kip stood down the stairs, standing on guard. He had always been her partner in crime, no matter their young age.

Those were memories she cherished – but they had stopped all too soon. The Christmas of 2000 was the last one they'd celebrated with the four of them. She had been ten years old, Kip five. Since then, things never had been the same. There had always been an empty chair around the table, and later even two. Yesterday she had even been all by herself. That however was partially her own fault; Mila had invited her to celebrate Christmas with her family and Kip had also wanted to take her to his new friends. But Alex didn't want her sadness to ruin Christmas for the others. Mila's family only showed her what she was missing and she didn't want to celebrate Christmas with some bikers she didn't know. Furthermore she just got home from a long journey and even though the others liked to join their families, Alex needed some time to moved past all the things that had happened during her last mission.

Now – the day after Christmas – they still had a little Christmas party together. Alex just let her brother in, giving him a big, squeezing hug. He was looking good – there was a wide smile on his face, even though she could see he hadn't slept much tonight.

"You look like you had a great party tonight," she told him, walking to the kitchen to grab some beers.

A moment later they flopped on the couch, taking a sip of the cold drink.

"Yeah, it was awesome. Although it can never beat a traditional evening of watching Gremlins with my sister. But you should have been there, Lex. They were really curious about you."

"You told 'em about me?"

"Yeah, of course. I'm already avoiding all questions about mom and dad, I can't pretend I'm not having a sister too. I told 'em you were right back from a mission, that made them even more curious."

"I really hope you haven't flashed a picture of me?"

Kip chuckled, taking another swig. "No man. I can see some of them snatchin' it out of my hand and jerkin' off while looking at it."

Alex wrinkled her nose. However, most of the time she was surrounded by men of which some didn't rise above this level, so she wasn't really shocked. "You like it there?"

Kip nodded. "Yeah. Get all the scut, but it feels like home around 'em." He stayed silent for a while, picking on the label on the bottle. "Think you would like 'em too." He looked up.

Alex saw the hopeful glance in his eyes and swallowed. She knew he was missing her, that he wanted her to move to Charming too. But the thought alone already made her feel restless. She loved the adrenaline that was taking the lead when she was on a mission, she craved for that rush that made her forget about everything else. She had found a family within the military, just like Kip had found one in the Sons of Anarchy.

At least outside the holidays, she thought sighing, now her buddies had gone back to their  _real_ families while she realized she had no one but Kip.

"Cherry wants to meet you too."

Alex pulled up the corner of her mouth. "Thought you would bring her along today. You're pretty serious about her, aren't you?"

Kip shrugged his shoulders. "She was around yesterday. I didn't know if you would appreciate it. You know, with Oliver..."

Alex laughed. "We broke up four years ago. I'm over it by now."

He chuckled. "Yeah, wanna keep it that way. I thought you might start missing him or somethin', if you saw Cherry and me together. And I never want to see that knucklehead ever again. Man, never met such a great prune."

Alex bumped her shoulder against his and smirked. "I know you weren't a big fan of him, but he was kinda cute. By the way, he sent me a Christmas gift this year. Think he doesn't dare to come around anymore since you chased him away last year." She pointed to the package at the dinner table. "Gotta be some fancy jewelry in it, maybe Cherry will like it."

Kip stood up, walked to the table and dropped down on the couch with it. "He's a real idiot for believing to win your heart back by sending you Christmas presents after four years."

"Don't forget about the birthday presents. Hell, he even still sends me flowers on our anniversary date."

"And you don't think that's creepy?" Kip asked with raised eyebrows, his attention still aimed at the cardboard he tried to rip open.

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "Nah, sometimes it's good to know some people still care about me." She stuck out her tongue as her brother turned his head to the side, a worried look in his eyes. "I'm just kidding. Don't worry, I'm fine."

"Wouldn't you want to start datin' again?"

"Nobody wants a girl who's out of the country for half of the year, and especially not one who's carrying a gun."

"I know some guys who would find that with the gun a turn-on."

"I'm not going to date your new brothers."

Chuckling, Kip opened the package. He took two small boxes out of it and tore the added postcard in pieces without looking at the text. "You sure? You might miss out on the love of your life." He pulled off the wrapping paper and opened a jewelry box. There was a silver ring in it, wrapped with gold thread and a big diamond on top of it.

Alex shook her head at the sight of it. She'd expected more from Oliver; she would never ever wear this.

Kip whistled. "Damn, Cherry is gonna love this. She loves blingbling."

"She'll think you're proposing her if you give her this." Alex pulled the other box out of his hands and opened it. She saw a necklace, with a silver pendant in the form of a dragonfly, inlaid with purple gems. With a snort she closed the box and dropped it in Kip's lap. "Give her this first."

Alex put a cushion behind her back, turned to the side and placed her feet in her brother's lap. "Now, tell me about the Sons? What shitty things do they make you do?"

* * *

More than once tears of laughter ran down her cheeks. Those bikers really sounded like a bunch of idiots while Kip told her how he had sawed a deer in half to get it out of a windshield, how he had stolen an ambulance and how he had to dig up a body. It felt like he was talking about some little boys with raging hormones who did nothing but creating mayhem. The love he felt for those people radiated from his face as he told her how they had dumped one of his brothers in front of a police station with only a diaper on after he had passed out while taking drugs, and how another of his brothers had been bitten in the ass after his friend accidentally gave meth to a guard dog. However, not all stories were so merry. Kip also told her about the premature baby of the VP who had been on the verge of death the first weeks, and about one of the old ladies who had been murdered. Heavy things causing a lump in her throat, but those were also reasons the group was so closely connected it felt like a family. Deep down Alex felt the longing the become part of this group bubble up. Quickly she shove the feeling away, knowing she would never fit in like her brother did. She was a girl. She would never become 'one of the guys'.

* * *

"What fancy Christmas meal do you want to cook?" Kip asked when they were caught-up with each other lives again.

"That a hint you're hungry?"

"Uh-uh."

Alex stood up and walked to the fridge. "Well, since you don't eat meat any more I had to skip the rabbit and turkey, but there was a wave of inspiration this morning." She took out two pizza crusts in the form of Christmas trees and placed them on the counter top. "I might not have a real Christmas tree, but now we can decorate a tree nonetheless." She took some ingredients out of the fridge and mentioned Kip to come over.

In the minutes that followed they decorated the pizza with ornaments made of tomato, olive, pepper and slices of salami for Alex, and they drew streamers with sauce. From the corner of her eyes she watched Kip, who was completely losing himself in decorating as if he was still a little child, and she smiled touched. She missed those moments, that had became scarcer over the years. As happy as she was with the fact he had found a surrogate family, she didn't hope they would replace her.

In a sudden moment of sentimentality she wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed his jaw. "I love you, little brother."

He looked aside and smile. "I love you too, sis."


	25. Kneel

Alex leaned with her back against the wall of the warehouse. With her thumb she tapped restlessly against her cigarette, which she moved to her lips now and then. Even though her eyes were aimed at the distance, she was very aware of Miles standing next to her and staring at her. 

She knew he was trying to provoke a response. Ever since he had suggested the both of them should guard the back of the warehouse, she had known he was up to something. Her whole body was tensed while she tried to figure out what he was trying to do. The past days she had however brooding on it too, without leading to any conclusions. She didn't know the man well enough to estimate what he was capable of. 

Dusk fell. Rat brought them a box of Chinese food Phil had dropped off, but he quickly returned to Rafi, the Mayan with whom he was guarding the front of the building in which the drugs was stored. 

Quietly Alex ate the foot. In all those hours Miles and she hadn't said a single word. She had wanted to ask him why he had insisted on standing guard together, but silence had felt safer. 

Alex just dropped the empty plastic box when Miles turned towards her. "Suppose you had been here with Juice... what would you two have done? Not staring forward in silence, I guess."

She looked aside. Something dark was churning in his eyes, giving her a twisted feeling in the stomach. She pushed her sudden nervousness aside and shrugged. "We would just have talked."

"You think? You appear willing to do something else with him for a while now. And in such a remote place..." He gestured around. 

Alex's cheeks felt hot. What the hell was she supposed to answer? 

"Cut the crap, Shane. Which isn't even your real name." Miles stood in front of her. She recoiled in reflex, until she felt the wall against her back. The man stood so close there was barely an inch between them. With a haggard look in his eyes he stared at her. "I know about your little secret."

His lips turned into a hideous smirk. Instead of explaining himself, he grabbed inside his pocket and took his phone out of it. He opened a video and held the device in front of her face. 

Alex felt the blood being drained from her face as she recognized her bathroom. From above she looked right into the shower and that's where she was standing, her hands covered in shampoo on her head. Water waved down her shoulders and breasts and when she turned a little, it was all to clear she was no man. 

Her throat felt dry. She was so overwhelmed she could barely breathe, but the shame and fear were quickly displaced by anger. She looked up to him and grabbed his throat. "Have you been spyin' on me? In my  _bathroom_? What kind of insane, disgusting man are you?!"

"Oh, you think  _I_ am the insane one?" he taunted, snatching her hand away from his throat. "You are a fucking girl, man. You're dead. Stone dead." He took a deep breath, his eyes seemed to smolder. "From the start I knew you had something to hide. But this..." He shook his head, laughing in disbelief. "I didn't see this coming. You're a fucking whore."

Alex gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes. She was so busted. Of all her brothers, it had been  _Miles_ who had discovered the truth. "And now? You gonna rat me out?"

"Hell yeah. If you don't do exactly as I say, I'm gonna send all of them this vid."

Alex tasted bile at the thought they would all receive a message with a video where she was showering. "I just feel more like a man than a woman. I can't help it I  was born with tits."

There was no point in coming up with excuses, Alex knew that. Miles hated her, and there was no dramatic story that would change his mind. Even the truth would leave him indifferent. 

"Could be. Or you're just a filthy rat being undercover."

Alex snorted. "You really think they would have sent a  _woman_?"

He shrugged his shoulders and reached out for her face. A shiver crept down her spine as she caressed her cheek. "Juice already knew, right? You're blowing him from the beginning. Then I guess you won't mind to give me a turn too?" His hand went for his belt. 

"Juice doesn't now anything," she grumbled. "And I rather die than that I will suck your dick, you sick motherfucker."

"Well, that can be arranged. The rest of the club receiving the video is just a click away." His fingers moved across the screen and she saw he added the video to a chat window with Clay. "All I have to do, is press 'send'."

Alex wanted to punch the smirk off his face. "I'm gonna kill you."

"You think? Here? You think you can get away with that?" He laughed flippantly. "They will know it was you."

Again she clutched her jaws. He was right. It had to look like an accident, or a robbery. If she killed him here, she would be the only suspect. She would never get out alive. 

"Tell me what you want. Do you wanna die or do you wanna blow me?"

Alex squeezed her fingers helplessly. Tears were burning in her eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

"Answer me, whore. You wanna die or you wanna blow me?" His thumb hovered over the send button. For a moment she considered to snatch the phone out of his hand, but the chance he would hit the right button was too big. "Three... Two..."

"Fine!" she snarled. "Fine, I'll do it."

"What do you want to do? I want to hear you say it."

"I"m going to blow you."

"You want it."

Anger raged through her body. She wanted to scratch his eyes out of his head, cut his fucking throat... but he had cornered her. There was only one way out and that was doing whatever he wanted until they could leave this place. And then... then he would pay for this before he could tell anyone the truth. She had to make him believe he was holding power over her, then he would want to enjoy his position a little longer before he would rat her out to the others. 

She took a deep breath and stared with slumped shoulders at her feet. "I want to blow you, Miles."

"I thought as much." His hand moved to his belt again. "Kneel."

Alex closed her eyes and fought off the tears. 

_You can get through this. Think about the revenge you are going to take. If you make it through his, you will find a way to make him suffer until he is gone forever._

Her stomach turned around as she knelt down in front of him. 

 


	26. Power

**Hey all! A warning: I have written a bunch of crazy stuff but I find this chapter really disgusting, however, I don't want to skip it because it's important for the story. But if you are triggered by rape scenes you might want to skip this chapter, the story will be understandable either way.**

* * *

Never before Miles had felt something like this. He dominated her, had power over her,  _controlled_ her. She had a big mouth, but everything she spit out were nothing but words. It didn't keep her from kneeling down in front of him. He lowered his pants and boxers. His phone was still in his hand, he could send the video to Clay any moment. She wasn't stupid, she would try to take advantage of it as soon as the danger was gone.

With a smug smirk he looked down at her. That an orgasm would soon be added to this already overwhelming feeling, turned him on immediately.

"I'm surprised you got the balls to get that ugly tiny thing out of your pants," she huffed, looking up to him with a hateful glare in her eyes. "No wonder you have to force someone to suck it."

Miles gritted his teeth. He knew her mocking was caused by despair, but he still hated her for it. She needed to shut her filthy whore mouth and do as her was told.

"I'm done talkin'," he grumbled. His hand shot to her face, grabbing the hair on the right side of her head. He pulled her closer. "Act like the filthy whore you are." With his free hand he pressed the recording button and aimed his phone downward.

"What the hell? You gonna fucking film this?"

Her voice cracked, her despair was returning, making him hornier. "You are an ugly whore, you'll never looked better than with my dick in your mouth. A little souvenir for later, when you are rotting between the bushes. Want something to watch as I'm jerking off when you're dead." He tugged her hair, making her grumble. "One more word and I'll send the video anyway. So. Suck. Me."

She had to hurry up. They weren't all alone and even though Rat had only stepped by once to hand them some food, he didn't want to see him or that Mayan come around now. He thought he could talk his way out now Shane had made out with another Son, but he rather kept everything quiet until he was done with her.

Satisfied, he lifted the corner of his mouth as her fingers curled around his cock. Her lips followed soon after. God, this was good. Already after a few licks and a good suck a moan came over his lips. "Fuck, you're good at it. I knew your whore mouth was trained well. You really denied your Puerto Rican boyfriend this? Damn, he's gonna be so jealous if I show him this."

Her eyes shot to his face, still burning with hatred. Still she continued with a straight face, and he felt how his guts clutched. He wanted to break her. He wanted her to fucking cry as she blew him, but she gave him the impression this was barely a big deal for her.

"You like it huh?" he grunted.

When she glared at him again, frustration took over. He put away his phone and grabbed her head with both of his hands.

"I don't want you to enjoy this," he hissed, slamming her head against the wall of the warehouse. "I want you to cry, I want you to beg." Holding her face, he banged inside her mouth. Her eyes widened and he felt how she struggled. Once more he slammed inside her mouth, deeper into her throat until she started to gag.

Finally there were some tears glittering in her eyes.

Again she gagged, and for a moment Miles fantasized how it would feel as she chocked on his dick. Wasn't that a beautiful death? He would talk himself out of it, telling the others she had attacked him after he had discovered she was a whore.

Suddenly she clamped her jaws. Pain flashed through his dick and reflexively he hit her face. "Do that again and you'll hang," he hissed, blinking away the tears. "Now, finish this."

She tried to say something back, but couldn't.

"Don't talk," he whispered. "Suck."

He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and caught a tear on his thumb. The sight of it satisfied him enough to forget about the pain.

She obeyed.

He buried his nails in her head as the tension was building up. As he was about to come, he could no longer control himself. He grabbed her face again and fucked inside her mouth until he came, ignoring her shortness of breath. Moaning and panting, he grabbed her throat and squeezed. Her stared into her watery eyes. "Fuck, this was good. We will do this more often."

* * *

Alex sat on her knees, puking in the grass. He throat felt raw, swallowing was awfully painful. Tears burnt in her eyes, but she still tried to keep them from rolling down. She didn't want to give him that pleasure. That was what all this was about.

She spitted on the ground and wiped off her mouth. "Guess you don't have a piece of gum?"

From the corner of her eyes she saw him tense. What had he been thinking? That she would sit on the ground and cry for the rest of the night? Hell no, she wasn't going to break in front of him. She fixated on her hatred, that was the only way to live with this. She was counting down the hours until they could leave, until she could make him pay... Fantasies about her revenge were the only thing keeping her sane.

She stood up, her legs were shaking. There were at least twelve more hours she had to endure his company. He however was the one who had walked away from her and stared into the distance. A gnawing feeling arose. Was the blowjob enough to let him keep her secret? Or would he still send Clay the video? She didn't think he would throw away his ace so easily, but she neither thought he had been capable of  _this._ He was a complete psycho – and nothing was more scary than insane, unpredictable people.

* * *

Hours went by. Again and again the memories were forcing themselves upon her. How she had almost chocked, how panic had flashed through her body when his dick had been in her throat. Her mouth and throat were still burning, no matter the amount of water she drank. She tried to think about other things, tried to focus on her revenge. This night was a nightmare, but it was just one night. And tomorrow, tomorrow Miles was going to wish he had never been born.

As if Miles felt his end was near and wanted to find pleasure as long as he could, he walked up to her.

"What?" she scoffed.

"You really think one blowjob is enough? You got more holes I can fill." He nodded to a pile of pallets a few steps away from them. "Bend over."

Alex froze. "What?"

"What?" he shot back. "You know damn well what I mean. Take off your pants, bend over that thing and I'm gonna bang you until you can't do anything but cry for the rest of the night."

She didn't move. Blowing him was one thing, but allowing him to rape her? She tasted bile again.

"Let me tell you this. I lost my patience, whore." He grabbed her wrist and dragged her to the pile of pallets.

She could scream. She could scream and Rat would be here in a minute.

But then? They would know she was a girl. She could never enter the clubhouse again, they might even kill her. She would never see Juice again – and everything,  _everything_ would have been in vain.

All because of Miles.

Miles, who she would kill tomorrow before he could expose her secret.

She had stabbed herself for the club, she had sucked Miles.

And she would let him rape her. It was one night, she didn't want to give up everything for one night. Not because of him. She wasn't going to let him win.

Clinging to that decision, she unbuttoned her pants and bent over the pile of wood. She squeezed her eyes as the man pulled down her boxers, grabbed her hips and started to thrust inside her. The pain was horrible and this time Alex allowed the tears.

He wouldn't stop before he had seen them.

He had to think she was broken, he had to believe he had won. She didn't want this all night long. Her pride wasn't worth it.


	27. No Word

Alex had hoisted herself on a pile of pallets inside the warehouse. That horrible night was finally over. She had made it. She had endured Miles' torture and even though he had wanted to break her, she felt anything but weak. He would suffer too. He would surely discover what it felt like to be violently penetrated ‒ she would show no mercy as she jammed a broomstick into his ass until she had torn open his guts. She pulled up the corner of her mouth as she tried to picture his face, his pleas, and her hatred and vengeance were so prominent they drowned out the burning pain below.

From the corner of her eyes she looked at Miles. He had turned away from her and she wondered what thoughts crossed his mind. Did he feel regret? Was he looking forward to the next time? Not that there would ever be one, but she doubted that thought even popped up in his dumb head.

The door opened, her brothers and Alvarez filed out, all with tensed faces. In a reflex her eyes shot to Juice. She hadn't spoken to him in days. When he entered the building this morning, he hadn't even looked at her, and he still avoided her glance. His face was pale, his eyes wide.

Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

The sudden tension made her freeze and she aimed her glance at Clay.

"A brick of coke is stolen." It was Jax who took the floor. "Tonight."

"I haven't seen anyone," Rat answered immediately.

"Exactly..." Chibs looked at them, one by one. "So it must've been one of ye three."

"Shane hasn't been inside," Miles spoke up immediately, his voice tensed. "We never left the back of the warehouse."

For a second Alex was overwhelmed because Miles wanted to keep her out of the danger zone, until she realized he was trying to cover himself in a far too obvious way.

"Bullshit," she snorted. "We all have stretched our legs and walked around now and then, we no less than the others. It could have been anyone of us, the Mayan included."

Miles sent her a deadly glare, which she ignored. Of course she knew he hadn't stolen the drugs. He had been too busy raping her. It must have been Rat or the Mayan.

"Go to the armory," Jax told them. "We'll find out who it was."

* * *

Miles stared at the gun at the center of the table. His brothers wanted them to play Russian Roulette, forcing them to show their loyalty to the club by willing to die for them. There were five chances, and one bullet. Cold sweat glided down his back. He wasn't the guilty one, and neither was Shane. His jaws tensed as he looked at the girl. Why the hell had she contradicted his words? Now he looked even more suspicious.

Of course the idea to pin all this to Shane crossed his mind. If he exposed her now, everyone would believe she was the one working undercover, taking the drugs. But he was sure she would drag him along. Giving his brothers the idea he had known she was a girl without telling anyone, made him complicit. And if they discovered what he had done with her yesterday, instead of reporting his findings... A shiver crept down his spine.

Yesterday he had felt all-powerful, now he just felt miserable.

In their current mood they would surely shot him through the head, right here.

His fingers were trembling as he looked at the gun. Was there really a bullet in it? It was clear the older club members were enraged and they were just a bunch of disposable prospects, so why wouldn't they be serious?

He took a deep breath. There was no way out. He rather showed his bravery before Shane would do it. Barely able to breathe, he stretched his hand to the revolver and picked it up. The metal felt freezing cold against his skin, and his muscles were so tensed the cold was aching.

The gun was shaking in his hand as he put it against his temple. Fear squeezed his heart, making tears appear in his eyes. He glanced anxiously at Jax, who stared back coldly. Miles took another deep breath, squeezed his eyes and screamed as he pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Panting, he lowered the gun.

He was safe. He was really safe.

In a small burst of euphoria he shoved the weapon to Shane. Her fingers didn't shake as she took it from him, nor when she pushed it against her head. The glance in her eyes was so ruthless he felt a pang in his stomach. Her glance reminded him of Happy; so emotionless, so fearless. Jealousy flamed up again, and suddenly he wondered if her tears had even been real yesterday. Maybe she had just toyed with him, just to give him a false sense of power.

Her eyes were aimed at the vice president as she pulled the trigger.

_Click._

Again there was no shot.

The disappointment was enormous. Oh, how easy would it have been if she had shot herself through the head? Then nobody would ever discover what he had done.

* * *

Alex laid down the gun in front of Rat. She felt the need to squeeze his shoulder in an encouraging gesture, but she didn't. Instead, she moved her glance to Miles. She had been so afraid he would expose her that putting a gun to her own head had barely bothered her.

She didn't even truly believe there was a bullet in it. If a committed member died, how would that help their case? Still the fear had clenched around her heart for a split second. She  _could_ be wrong. She had seen those men do more things that someone with common sense wouldn't do.

Miles was avoiding her glance. He had been the main reason that she had wanted to be strong and she had been determined to keep silent. She could feel the shame radiating from him, even though Rat neither succeeded in pulling the trigger without screaming.

Her eyes wandered to Juice, who stood a bit to the side. She had heard he had stepped by at the warehouse yesterday, and it was obvious he felt nervous. Was he the one they were looking for? Had he stolen the drugs? She couldn't imagine. The club meant the world to him. Then why was he so nervous, why were his eyes shooting from left to right and was he avoiding any eye contact? Was he afraid  _she_ had ratted on them? Was he afraid they would kill her soon? She would give much to talk to him, but there was no chance on that now.

Not any time soon.

None of them had refused to play Russian Roulette, meaning her brothers needed to find another way to discover who was lying.

Alex knew there were only three potential thieves, of which only one was sitting around this table.

It had to be Rat or the Mayan.

Or Juice.

And her intuition kept screaming that last name.


	28. Last Chance

Juice felt like he couldn't breathe. It felt like he was running through a dark forest, where he was surrounded by monsters that could jump on him and shred him to pieces any moment. 

They would find out what he had done. 

Of course they would find out, and he didn't understand how he ever thought he could get away with this. That fucking Roosevelt, who had waited for him yesterday and ordered him to take a sample of the coke. If not, he would tell the club about his father. 

Who was black. And black people weren't welcome inside the club. 

He had no idea what he would do without the club, he had no one else. Desperately, he ran a hand across his mohawk. "You really think one of the prospects did it?" he asked Chibs. He had to keep a conversation going, otherwise his behavior would be suspicious or he might even collapse because of the stress. 

"Gotta be, huh?" the Scot sighed. "That Mayan is loyal to Alvarez for over eight years."

Scratching his neck, Juice stared at the door. Behind it, the three prospects were locked up with a gun. They had to figure it out themselves; they had to decide which two would leave the room alive. He tried not to think about it, the thought they would point the finger to Shane made him feel so nauseous he almost had to throw up. 

"Ye think it was the new one?" Chibs asked. "You know him best."

It was the first time no lewd comment followed that assumption. Juice shook his head. "No man. That guy's smart, and everyone with a little common sense knows he can't get away with this."

"And there was no trace of fear in his eyes," Happy added. "He ain't the rat."

Juice had the feeling a kilo of stones fell of his shoulders – although there were many left. 

"Don't think it was Miles either. He's just too stupid to steal from us," Chibs said. "That leads us to Rat." He sighed. "But that ain't makin' sense either." His phone went off and Chibs' face grew gloomy. 

Juice's hands felt clammy. He had to come up with something, he had to make sure the others would go free. But his head felt empty. Well, not empty. Rather packed with thousands of screaming thoughts. He gritted his teeth, not knowing how to silence the noise. For some reason he felt the need to look into Shane's eyes since they had brought him peace more than once, but at the same time thinking about the boy made everything way worse and he feared the prospect would see right through him. 

Chibs stared a while at the door before he looked at Happy and Juice again. "Romeo'll be here in an hour. We've got to put one of these guys down."

Juice stared at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah." 

There was a hard look in Chibs' eyes, making the panic wave through Juice's body again. Shaking his head, he cursed. "Bad enough we scared the shit out of them with the gun bluff."

"It's the only way to calm the cartel. They're going to want a guilty body. If we don't give it to 'em, they're going to take it as a sign of weakness. They're going to want blood. I don't have any options and picking the new prospect is makin' the most sense. I'm sorry." He started to walk to the door. 

Despair squeezed Juice's throat, his voice was trembling. "Hey, hold up. For all we know, Alvarez is playing with us. Him vouching for his own guy? What the hell does that prove?"

Chibs heaved a deep sigh. "Juicy, it's out of your hands."

"Hey." Juice stepped in front of his brother. This couldn't be the cause of Shane's death. He had to tell them what he had done, but the words just couldn't pass his lips. He didn't want to die. "Gotta give 'em one last chance," he begged. Before Chibs could disagree, he stepped through the doorway himself. 

A small flame of hope arose inside of him. This could be his way out; as long as he could keep his emotions in control. He stood still in front of the three and focused on Shane. He seemed to be the only one who wasn't afraid to lose his life, while he would be the one not living another day. The glance in his eyes however was worried, even warm in a strange way. At least it helped Juice to formulate his sentences in a calm way. "There's a guy on his way, expecting all that coke to be here. That missing kilo isn't just about you, it means trouble for the whole club." He looked at the two other prospects. "I'm going to give the three of you one last chance. We're going to step outside... and have a smoke. And whoever took the brick, we know it's gotta be around here somewhere. Just put it back. No questions. No repercussions."

Questioning, he turned to Happy and Chibs. The first rolled his eyes and was about to storm to the prospects, but Chibs stopped him. "Hey, hey, hey..." He turned to the three prospects, pointing his finger at them. "Fifteen minutes." Chibs turned around and left the room. Juice and Happy did the same. 

Juice pulled on his hoodie. Right before he entered the exit, Chibs turned to him. "Even if that brick shows up, they are out. All of 'em."

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "Well, at least they won't be dead and we'll get our blow back."

Chibs sighed, turning to Happy. "Go sit on their bikes. Block any exit strategy."

"I gotta take a piss," Juice said. "Clear out. Give them the 15."

With a dark glance Chibs looked at him, then he nodded and left the warehouse. 

* * *

Juice rushed into the bushes, looking for the brick he had hidden somewhere here. Yesterday, he had contemplated too long whether he should take the sample or not, until his doubts had exhausted him, making him fall asleep. He felt such a big idiot he didn't even deserve to stay alive. 

His eyes fluttered through the green. He had paid attention to his surroundings while hiding the coke, but the nerves were fucking with his head now. This could be his last chance to save Shane. 

A relieved sigh left his lips as he finally found the coke. He put it away in his pants and turned around. All he needed to do now, was taking it back without being seen. 

He just stepped away from a group of trees as he noticed a movement. The moment he recognized Miles, he froze. The prospect stared at him with a wild look in his eyes. His eyes were aimed on Juice's waist and he looked down. 

His hoodie wasn't fully covering the white package. He swallowed with difficulty. 

Dazed he stared at Miles, who shook his head in disbelief and cursed. 

" _You_  took it?"

Juice wanted to pull the brick out of his pants, but at the same time Miles pulled his gun. "Whoa, easy, man! I'm not carrying," he said with all the calmness he could gather. He was so screwed. There was almost some kind of resignation falling over him. "You gotta let me explain."

"Yeah, back at the warehouse." Miles motioned his gun to the side. "Let's go."

Juice stared past him for a moment and nodded. "Okay... Here." He threw the brick to Miles. By reflex the man pulled his gun hand to the side and Juice threw himself upon him. A shot went off, and a moment later a sharp pain festered through his leg. "Fuck," he grunted, stumbling. 

Both men fell on the ground. Juice groped around him, looking for the gun that had fallen out of the prospect's hand. The other man jammed his leg, right at the bullet hole. Juice cried out, still trying to wrestle away from the guy. His fingers stumbled upon something cold, right at the moment Miles pulled a knife and wanted to stab him. Juice's hand glided around the gun, he turned around and starting firing, right into Miles' face. Blood rained down on him. 

Through the red blur Juice saw someone else. In a wild movement he aimed the gun to the side. His heart dropped as Shane lifted his hands. The gun was shaking in Juice's fingers. How much had the boy seen? Could he take the risk of keeping him alive? The lump in his throat was gigantic, he could barely breathe and the pain in his leg flattened out his thoughts. 

With his hands in the air Shane stepped closer. 

The gun was still in Juice's hand, but he lacked the courage to pull the trigger. 

The prospect crouched down and picked up the brick. Juice knew he had to shoot. He had to shoot if he wanted to save himself. 

But he couldn't. He would never be able to live with himself. Shooting Miles had been a panic reaction, but Shane... he wasn't even armed. And he was the closest friend he had at the moment.

The boy walked up to him, crouched down in front of him and looked at him. "I got your back," he said quietly. He put down the drugs next to Miles' hand. "We'll tell the others it was Miles who stole the coke and that he attacked you when you caught him."

Dazed, Juice stared at him. Why would he say such a thing? Why would he want to cover up this horrible act?"

Shane kept his glance. "You trust me?"

Juice nodded senseless, his head was one big mess. Shane wrapped an arm around his waist and helped him on his feet. "Come on, you need a doctor."

Just when they turned around, Happy and Chibs ran towards them. Juice's gun slipped out of his hand. 

"Holy shit, what the hell happened? Juicy?"

"I came out to take a piss," Juice stammered, finding it damn hard to keep his thoughts at the here and now. "I spotted Miles pulling something out of the leaves. He saw me, and he freaked out. He tried to kill me when I tried to take his gun."

"I knew it." Shane's voice sounded cold. In his hand he held the gun Juice had dropped and he aimed it at Miles' body, firing at least five bullets. The body was shaking. "Just couldn't proof it. Filthy rat."

Happy aimed his gun at the body too, adding some more bullets to it. Eventually, he spitted at the corpse. "Lying bitch."

Juice bent his head. 

He had killed a brother. It felt like he had stepped into a stinking swamp and was slowly sinking. Shane had grabbed his hand, but it was inevitable Juice would drag him into the grave with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I noticed chapter 6 (Feelings) was duplicated and chapter 5 (Guy Talk) was missing. I uploaded it again, so you can consider it as some kind of bonus chapter haha. (:


	29. No Longer The Same

Alex shoved her hands inside her pockets as she stared to the fresh grave. It felt surreal. Suddenly Miles was gone. In the blink of an eye, without having to do anything, without being exposed. The relief however was minimal. It had been a too easy way out for him. She had wanted him to suffer, she had wanted to hear him beg for mercy. Getting even, that should have given her resignation. 

But there was no satisfaction now. 

Sure, this solution was much better. She didn't need to be afraid to leave traces, her identity was safe. Now that he had died as a rat, as a traitor, nobody would honor him. All he got was a hole in the ground. Exactly what he deserved. He couldn't have died a more dishonorable death– and still the dissatisfaction kept gnawing.

Alex cast a last glance at the disturbed earth, spitting on the grave. "Hope you rot in hell, asshole," she grumbled. 

She turned around. Rat kept standing there a little longer, but Happy walked with her to the bikes. Juice and Chibs had returned to the clubhouse a while ago, so Tara could remove the bullet and stitch the wound. 

"I'm proud of ya," Happy's deep voice sounded next to her. She felt his heavy hand land on her shoulder. 

Surprised, Alex looked to the side. She couldn't remember he'd ever talked to her and she'd certainly never heard a compliment coming out of his mouth, to no one.

"Don't know many people who'd pulled that trigger without blinkin' an eye."

Alex shrugged her shoulders, she knew better than showing him how much his words meant to her. "I'm not afraid of dying."

She sat down on her bike, waiting until Rat was done with saying his goodbyes. 

* * *

Alex got permission to go home as soon as she was dismissed at the clubhouse. She was glad about it; she had been awake all night. 

In the bathroom she brushed her teeth first. Still she had the feeling the taste of Miles' filthy dick was in her mouth. The thought of it made her sweat. For a moment the stench of his unwashed sack was surrounding her and she could feel him inside her mouth again. Squeezing her eyes, she threw up. Nothing but bile left her throat; she'd already puked out supper and since then she hadn't eaten anything. 

After spreading tooth paste through her mouth for at least ten minutes and washing her face, she left the bathroom. Would Tara already be back in the hospital?  

The thought about the doctor made her doubt again. Tonight she had intended to visit the woman after she got home, to tell her what had happened. She hadn't taken her birth control pill tonight and she wanted to be absolutely sure she wouldn't bear a child of that asshole. She didn't look forward to a S.T.D. or other damage either, so she really needed to trust someone with the fact that she was a girl. 

It wasn't easy at all, after all Tara was the fiance of her VP. If Alex made an appointment, Tara's confidentiality belonging to her profession would make sure she would shut her mouth, but Alex thought it would be too risky to register herself in the hospital. Who knows who else would have access to her file... She however knew Tara had been there when Kip died, which gave her the feeling she would understand her better than anyone else, and apart from that Tara had no reason to rat her out, like Miles had. 

She would take her chances. 

* * *

An hour later she was in the hospital, knocking on the door with the right name plate. Usually the nerves would have formed a knot in her stomach, but after everything that had happened tonight and the morning after, Alex only felt an emptiness. 

The door was opened. Surprise was dripping from Tara's face. "Shane? Hey..."

Alex looked briefly over her shoulder before she headed inside. Taking a deep breath as the woman looked questioning at her, she decided to just open up. 

"I was raped tonight."

All colour was drained from Tara's face. "W-what?" Dazed, the woman stared at her. A few seconds passed before she shook off her dismay, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Come... Let's take a seat." Tara squeezed her hand before she pointed to two chairs in a corner. 

Alex did what she asked. She sat down hunched over, her lower arms resting on her knees as she observed the woman for a while. Her lips were pressed together, and with a brief movement she tugged a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

"What I'm about to tell you...  I need to be sure you keep it between us."

For a moment Tara hesitated, then she nodded. "Yes, sure. Just tell me what happened and how I can help you."

Despite the situation, Alex lifted the corner of her mouth a little. "First, it might be good to know that I'm a woman."

Tara's eyes widened and she clamped her hand around the armrest of her chair. "W-what?" she asked in disbelief. "Do the others..."

Alex shook her head. "No. Nobody knows. Miles discovered it and he raped me tonight."

"Is that – is that the reason he's dead?"

"No. Fucker turned out to be a rat too."

"That's... just horrible, I'm so sorry for you  ..."  
  
"Alex," she filled in the blank. "I need a morning after pill and an internal examination. And a STD test. You can fix that, right?"

The woman stared at her, still overwhelmed. Slowly she nodded. "Maybe you should also..." She dropped her eyes. 

"Set up a meeting with a shrink?" she guessed, huffing. "I'll be fine. I just wanna be sure that asshole leaves me no shit."

"Okay," Tara answered softly. 

* * *

Tara performed the examination in silence, although Alex noticed she was in thoughts continuously. The woman got her a salve and some medication, which Alex shoved inside the pocket of her cut without saying a word. 

"You got no questions?"

"I – I am still overwhelmed that nobody has discovered that you're a woman. What will they do if they find out?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing I look forward to. Don't worry, I'll tell 'em as soon as I've earned my top rocker and nobody will ever know you already knew the truth."

"Why... are you doing this? Are you transgender?"

She kept Tara's glance for a while. "Almost two years ago my little brother died. He was a prospect."

Again her eyes widened. "Half Sack?"

"Kip." She leaned back into the chair. Actually, she had thought it would be harder to talk about it, but at the moment she just felt tired and empty. "I have no family left. He found his place within the club. I wanted to become part of SAMCRO too, as a means to honor him. Get that coveted patch. He died before he could receive it." She closed her eyes for a moment. Suddenly she craved for a joint. There was no pot in her house, but she had intended to visit Juice anyway tonight, after she had slept a few hours. She had to talk to him, he needed it. And she needed it too; she still didn't understand why he'd wanted to steal the drugs. 

"I was there when he died," Tara spoke softly.

"I know."

"He died to protect a baby. Abel." She dropped her eyes. 

Alex knew what had happened. Without doing a damn thing, Tara had watched how the baby was taken away from her. Only weeks later the guys found him back in Belfast. A retaliation – like there had been many. 

But not for her brother's murderer. He was killed by his own people. 

"Did he suffer?" For the first time since she was here, Alex felt something. A slumbering grief, slowly spreading through her chest.

"No, not even for a minute." The woman pressed her lips together. A tear glistened in the corner of her eye. "Cameron stabbed a steak knife in his stomach."

Automatically, Alex's fingers wandered to her own scar. She never realized her brother had died that way, she had solely focused on her goal. 

Tara bent over, putting a hand on her knee. "Your brother died as a hero, Alex. He might not have saved Abel, but he saved me. Who knows what would have happened if I had been alone with the baby."

Alex looked up. She couldn't care less about the woman's gratitude. She'd preferred Tara to jump in front of her own child, instead of leaving it to her little brother. The woman shuddered as their eyes met and she looked away. 

"I will keep your secret, I promise. I owe that Half... Kip."

"Good."

Alex heard the bitterness in her own voice, realizing she was no longer the same person as she had been yesterday.


	30. Trust

Alex took a long shower and slept a few hours before she went to Juice. Her breasts hurt so much because of the long time she had worn the chest binder that she decided to leave it at home and put on a wide SAMCRO hoodie. It was too warm to wear such a thing, but the pain was fucking annoying and she'd had enough pain for today. As long as she wouldn't give Juice another lapdance, she would be fine. Even though her crotch still felt soar, she climbed on her Harley. It was only a small distance. 

Five minutes later she parked her bike in front of Juice's house, ascended the few steps to his front door and rang the bell. She shoved her hands into her pockets. The numbness she had felt the past hours, faded away at the prospect of seeing Juice. She had missed him, the past days, and she wasn't sure everything was all right between them. Actually she was disappointed in him; they had vented to each other time and time again and it hurt that he hadn't trusted her with his problems this time, while feeling so desperate he had been willing to steal drugs from a cartel. 

The light in the hallway went on. Slowly, a shadow came closer and a few seconds later the door was opened. Alex' eyes shot to Juice's immediately. His glance was blurred, confused – maybe even desperate. 

"Hey," he said softly. His glance slid away from her and focused on the ground. 

Sighing, Alex headed inside, closing the door behind her. "Hey, come here." She spread her arms. 

Juice rubbed his eyes. The murder on his brother hadn't left him indifferent. Alex wished she could tell him what an asshole Miles had really been so he wouldn't feel so guilty, but she couldn't. Not now. He was too erratic, the last thing she wanted to burden him with was another secret. Maybe he would even feel compelled to expose her to the others because of the guilt that was suffocating him. 

For a moment he seemed to hesitate, then he turned towards her. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. Panic shot through her head as she realized he might be able to feel her breasts through the hoodie, so that she held him a little less tight than she had wanted. Although his thoughts were probably too entangled to focus on something like that.

"I killed a friend. A brother," he whispered with a broken voice. His shoulders started to shake. 

Alex rubbed between his shoulder blades, eventually moving her hand to his neck, hoping her touch would ease him a little. He had bent his head, his forehead rested upon her shoulder. 

"You did," she said softly. There was no point in denying or weakening it. "We all do stupid things sometimes."

Juice cringed. "But this..." Sniveling, he breathed in. 

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat. The fact that he had done this to himself frustrated her, but there was no point in telling him that. She kissed the top of his head and when he looked up she pressed her forehead against his. She could also see the others do something like this to comfort him, especially when his whole attitude was screaming for solace. 

"You'll get over this," she ensured him. "It won't be easy, but you can do it. And I'll help you getting through this. Okay?"

With watery eyes, Juice looked at her. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. 

Alex let go of him and looked at his tied off leg. "Does it hurt?"

He shrugged his shoulders, convincing her it wasn't the pain in his leg that was on the forefront. 

"You should sit." She pushed him to the living room and followed him. She hadn't been in his house again since she had slept on the couch after Opie's wedding. She however felt comfortable enough to pour them two drinks before she sat down on the couch, next to him. He had bent his head and was staring to his hands. 

Alex leaned back in the couch without saying anything. She rather gave him room to speak up, before she would sound like an interrogator. It didn't take long before Juice cleared his throat – as she had expected he was longing for a listener. 

"Why did you do it? Blaming Miles? I know you didn't like him, but..."

"I hated him," she stated simply. "I'm not gonna lie about it; I won't miss him. Not for a second. In the week you guys were gone he was such an asshole that I almost put a bullet in his brain myself."

Juice looked up, his eyes wide. 

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "You're my best friend, Juice. I don't give a fuck about the opinion of the others."

"If they find out, we'll both hang." His adam's appel bobbed up and down as he swallowed.

Again she shrugged. "They will never find out. Nobody knows the truth beside us."

The foot of his healthy leg tapped in a quick pace against the floor, showing how nervous he felt. 

"Why did you steal the drugs?"

His eyes shot towards her face, to the ground, and back to her. Then he shook his head, rubbing his face. 

"You still don't trust me?" she asked annoyed. "Man, what else do you want me to do besides covering up a fucking murder?"

He took a deep breath and nodded, staring forward as if he'd been in a debate with himself. "Roosevelt discovered who my old man is," he said. His eyes reflected the fear he felt, but which Alex didn't understand yet. 

"So?"

"He's black."

She raised her eyebrows. "So?"

"No black people can join the club."

 "You look pretty white to me. At most a hint of brown, but that goes for Happy too."

"But neither of his parents is black."

"You're afraid they'll banish you?"

With a bent head and slumped shoulders, he nodded. "And without the club... I'm nothing without the club."

"You're a great guy, Juice, with or without the club." 

He looked up, there was a sad smile on his lips. 

Man, she wanted to pull him close so badly, telling him everything would be fine. But according to men's terms they had cuddled enough for today. 

"I don't believe they will turn their backs on you for something like that. I really don't. Everybody loves you, Juice, that ain't gonna chance because of one stupid rule."

"Those club rules exist for a reason," he muttered. "Even if they disagree, they're bound to it."

"I can't imagine there's a rule that's literally saying people with a black father can't become a member. Sounds like it's a topic open for discussion."

He looked at her again. Tears were shining in his. He was scared, so scared to lose the club. 

Alex tried to tie his confession to the drugs, which wasn't that hard. "The police forced you to steal the drugs? They were blackmailing you, threatening to tell the club about your origin?" Cursing, she shook her head. "Motherfuckers. That ain't legal, man."

Juice sighed. "They wanted me to take a sample of the drugs, so they could determine its origins. They want to round-up the cartel and promised to give the club immunity. This was some kind of test to see how trustworthy I was." A silence fell, before he continued: "Last night I took the brick. I wanted to take a sample and put it back, but I fell asleep."

Alex blinked her eyes. "What? You fell  _asleep?_ "

He moved his hand across his mohawk, looking away again. "My head was a mess. I didn't know if I had to do it or not, and in the end the stress just wore me out. When I woke up next morning, I hid the brick and when I got back later to return it, Miles saw me."

She rubbed her forehead. "And you still took that sample? Did you hand it to Roosevelt?"

"No, not yet," he muttered. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Juice," she snapped. "After all this shit you still took the sample?"

"I did it before the shooting. I just – I just don't know what do to."

"Give it to me, I'll get rid of it." She shoved a little to the side, so her upper body was turned towards him. "Listen to me, Juice. If you go along with them, they will never let you go. You will be their puppet, they will keep asking things from you. More and more shit will pile up until you're buried beneath it. Time and again they will find new things to demand from you and in the end someone will find out. And then you'll drag me into the grave as well."

He looked at her, despair was radiating from his face. "Then what should I do?"

"Don't let them push you around any longer. Wait until Roosevelt picks you up again, tell that asshole to shove the intel about your dad into his ass and tell the club they tried to blackmail you and with what. Miles is dead, it's obvious they'll try to find a 'new' mole. Use that. I assume nobody knows about your little chats with Roosevelt?"

He shook his head. "No. Only the first time."

"Good." She grabbed his hand, ignoring the fact that it might confuse him, and squeezed. "Have faith in the club, Juice. In your brothers, in me, instead of putting trust into those assholes. They only wanna bring you down. You got that?"

He looked at her, with a pleading look in his eyes. Then he nodded, holding her glance. 

"Yeah, okay. I'll do that."


	31. Two-Way Traffic

Juice's glance slid away from Shane's eyes and moved to his hand. His own hand was underneath it. Shane's fingers were soft and slim and for a moment he wondered how it would feel when they glided down his chest, his stomach, further down... Just to feel something else than the emptiness, the burning guilt.

His cheeks flushed as he looked up, his eyes meeting those of Shane. Did he know what thoughts had crossed his mind? He had the feeling Shane could always look right into his soul. Right before they had left Arizona and rode back to Charming, he had intended to push away every inappropriate thought about Shane as far as he could, but it was clear that was a hopeless task.

He was disgusted with his feelings. Firstly, because the prospect to have sex with a man was just repulsive ‒ although he had already discovered the thought that the boy would kiss or even blow him  _did_ turn him on ‒ but also because Shane was his best friend.

Today he had proven that one more time and he was still having a hard time realizing what the prospect had done for him. Juice had almost betrayed his brothers, and Shane had helped him to cover it up.

Shane, who was always fearless. Who didn't even mention the fact that he was shivved, who didn't even blink an eye when he held a gun against his head and pulled the trigger. He wished he had been more like his younger friend. He knew for sure Roosevelt wouldn't have succeeded in blackmailing him.

The boy pulled his hand away from him and kicked his foot. "Why don't you roll a joint for us? Did Tara give you medication or can I get you a whiskey too?"

"She gave me nothing too heavy."

He lifted the corner of his mouth. "Good." He stood up and walked to the kitchen. Juice caught himself looking at Shane's ass, even though the jeans he was wearing were too wide to show the curves he had seen during Halloween. Sighing deeply, he wished once more that Shane had been a girl. He would have known what to do then...

Groaning, he helped himself on his feet, a bit stiff because of the pain. Smoking pot wasn't a bad idea at all, maybe it would help to shut down all those thoughts. Whether it was Roosevelt where he was thinking about, or Miles, or the things he wanted to do with Shane... He wanted to think about neither of them.

* * *

Alex was still worried about Juice. He was quiet, lost in his own little world. His muscles almost seemed to snap because he was so stressed and Alex had no idea what more she could do. Giving him a massage, probably.  _But that's weird, right? Can you see Happy or Opie giving him a massage?_

The thought made her smirk as she took a bottle from the cabinet and poured two glasses. The outer door was already opened. She sat down on the bench next to Juice, at the exact same spot where she had smoked her first pot.

"How was Arizona?" she asked, pushing a glass in his hand.

He heaved a sigh as he took a long drag from the joint before handing it to her. Leaning back, he closed his eyes for a moment. "Too much drama. These days everything seems to become dramatic." He sighed again. "SAMTAZ was apparently dealing drugs to earn some money. We found out the vote for that hadn't been carried out in an honest way, with blackmailing and murder. Was some serious shit."

"Jeez." Shane pulled the smoke straight into her longs. Already after a minute the memories about tonight were less sharp. "That drugs crap is always makin' things messy."

Juice sighed, leaning with his head against the edge of the bench. "Yeah. But for now we're in it over our fucking heads."

For a while they just sat side by side in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. The quiet was comfortable. It was just nice to have him around again. From the corner of her eyes she looked at him. He had closed his eyes, his face looked more relaxed than before. The sight of it turned her lips into a smile – the first one since yesterday. They had finished the smoke and the glasses were empty as well.

"I'm glad you're here, Shane," he muttered after a while, without opening his eyes. "I felt like shit, but I'm feeling much better now."

"Glad to hear that."

"I'm sorry for gettin' you into trouble."

"Nah, I'm fine," she answered shrugging, before he would glide back in a pit filled with guilt again. "It's okay, Juice. I'm just really happy I was around so I could help you out."

"Yeah... me too." His voice sounded bleak again.

"Hey, stop being so cranky. Get us some more pot, okay? Seemed to do you good."

Juice nodded slowly. He stood up, but seemed to have forgotten about the bullet wound in his leg so that he lost his balance and landed on the bench again. His hip hit her hand, which she pulled away with a grunt.

"That fucking leg," he grumbled.

"Want me to get it?"

He turned his face toward her, that was suddenly very close. His breathing stroked her chin. Their eyes locked and in her stomach bubbled up something hot and heavy. She didn't move as his fingertips stroked her cheek. The next moment his lips were on hers, his tongue sliding into her mouth.

Alex knew she had to push him away, but after everything that had happened, after that disgusting thing that had been in her mouth last night, there was nothing she wanted more than Juice's tongue swiping all those memories away. Closing her eyes, she kissed him back, passionately, a bit desperately grabbing the collar of his cut to pull him closer.

His fingers ran down her neck and she remembered she wasn't wearing her chest binder. She allowed herself two more seconds of this great kiss, before she laid a hand against his chest and pushed him away. Regretfully, she turned her head away.

"Oh fuck," he stammered. "Shit. Sorry." He shoved away from her immediately.

Alex felt her own cheeks glow, but when she looked aside she assumed they would probably pale by his flaming red head. The sight of it made her chuckle quietly. He was such a cutie. The longing to expose herself came up again, but she knew it was a bad timing now his head was already such a mess.

"It's okay," she muttered, studying his face. "You're supposed to kiss your knights in shining armor as they've saved your life. You're just a bit late." With a joke she tried to clear the air.

* * *

Juice couldn't understand how Shane could always made light of everything. This had been the second time Juice had smacked him. Leaning with his elbows on his knees, he bend his head and buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what's going on with me anymore," he said, "I don't even recognize myself. I killed people, I killed a  _brother,_ I stole drugs, almost betrayed the club and I'm even falling for a man now." His eyes were itching, but he didn't want to cry  _again._ He just didn't know what to think about anything. It felt like his brain was twisted in knots ever since he'd been sent to Stockton.

"It's okay, Juice."

Wildly, he turned his head to the side. "Stop saying everything is okay. It isn't. Your my fucking best friend, you're in a relationship and I... I..." He couldn't even find the right words.

"Juice..."

"I don't want this! I hate it that you... that I... While you and Mila... I almost fucked up between you two once. I'm not only ruining my own life, but yours too and..."

"Juice!"

His voice sounded so compulsive Juice gritted his teeth. He didn't dare to look aside.

"This wasn't exactly one-way traffic, huh?"

A few seconds passed by. Then, the meaning of Shane's words hit him and he turned his face to the side, completely confused. "W-what?"

Shane kept his glance, sighed and turned his head away. "You might not be the only one struggling with his feelings."

"But... Mila..."

"Yeah." Shane sighed, massaging his temples. "I don't understand it either, Juice." The boy stared at the ground. "I neither had feelings for a man before. It takes time to find out what this is, what I want with it, and Mila..." One more sigh. "But stop blaming yourself. This wasn't just you."

Awkwardly, Juice rubbed his neck. Not a moment he had expected that his friend was going through the same shit. He hadn't given himself any chance, but now... For the first time since he had taken the drugs away, he felt a sparkle of warmth.

"Maybe uh, maybe you should go home," he muttered. "To Mila."

Shane showed a slight smile and shook his head. "I'd actually invited myself to your couch again."

"I don't need a babysitter."

Shane rolled his eyes, lit a cigarette and threw the package on Juice's lap. "Mila and I... things aren't great between us. She's having a hard time accepting what the club is asking from me and I'm not really in the mood to face her now and tell her that Miles is dead. Can't handle her know crying half of the night, begging me to leave the club before I end up behind bars or in a coffin myself." He blew out a cloud of smoke. "So I prefer your couch. You won't even notice I'm there, I promise."

Juice didn't know what to say. Shane effortlessly switched to another subject, as if they hadn't been making out a minute ago. Just like everything else, he just seemed to let it go.

"Sorry to hear that." Although Juice noticed he wasn't feeling that bad about it. A part of him hoped for a break-up, especially now Shane had admitted he might have feelings for him too.

"She ain't exactly the perfect old lady, but we're together for such a long time..." Shane looked at him again. "You ever had a girlfriend since you're a Son?"

"For a while, a few years ago." He shrugged his shoulders. "Didn't end well."

"No," he said pensively. "That seems to be a trend here. No wonder with all the illegal shit we're doing, the ladies can't handle that and when there's no transparency in a relationship it's just doomed to fail."

Juice tried to imagine what things would be like if Shane would be his boyfriend. They could at least talk about everything and he understood the club life.

 _A boyfriend. Are you really asking yourself if you would want to have a_ boy _friend?_

He could already see them coming to the clubhouse, walking hand in hand. It was ridiculous. What outlaw biker was bisexual and choose to be with a  _man_? The reputation of the club would definitely suffer from it when members started to suck each other. The last thing he wanted, was ruining  _more_ things he cared about.


	32. Panic Attack

Alex listened how his footsteps died away, until a door was closed. She turned on her side on the couch, her cheek sinking in the pillow Juice had given her.

It smelled like him.

It brought a hint of a smile on her face, even though it didn't loosen the knot in her stomach. The past hour she had told Juice nothing but lies.  _Half-truths,_ she told herself. She was really afraid of Mila's response on Miles' death and she was even more afraid that her friend would notice she had changed because of the rape. She didn't want her to know – nobody needed to know it. However, that hadn't been the reason she wanted to spend the night here; Mila wasn't even in her apartment. But she wanted to be here tomorrow morning, so she could remind him of their plan before he got scared again. There was a good chance he would be fretting the whole night and she wanted to be there for him if he needed another talk.

And there was a second knot in her stomach... He had feelings for her. Well, not for her, for Shane. She had thought it had just been a whim at the Halloween party, but it was now clear his feelings went deeper. He was really struggling with his sexuality.

Only because she was lying to him.

But what could she have done differently? Confessing that she was a woman? She doubted he would laugh about it; he would probably get really angry and right now he needed her support. Now she had entrusted Tara with her secret, it would be easier to tell Juice the truth, but not now. Only when the shit with Roosevelt was over and when he wasn't suffering so badly from killing Miles anymore.

But knowing Juice, that would take some time.

* * *

Juice was still tired as he woke up next morning. Shreds of memories about yesterday floated through his head like fog. He could still feel Miles' blood splatter in his face, he could still see the empty look in his eyes, could even still hear the bump that had sounded when the body had hit the ground. Shakily, he breathed out, his throat feeling swollen. How could he ever live with this? Miles had been a friend. Maybe not a close one like Shane or Chibs, but he had never done anything wrong.

Turning on his side, he stared at the empty side of the bed. There had never been a girl lying there, he never took Croweaters home. Now he however wished there had been someone he could snuggle up to, who could hold him close, telling him everything was going to be fine.

His thoughts shot to Shane, who was lying on the couch. But it wasn't the same. He longed for the soft embrace of a woman, to her whispered words, her tender caress. It was hard to imagine Shane would do something like that, despite yesterday's fiery kiss and the fact that his fingers felt so soft. The boy also had a harsh, grim side that made Juice feel uncertain. It just didn't seem to fit: Shane having feelings for a man. Had it been true at all? Or had Shane said those words only to make him feel better? It wasn't hard for the boy to lie to the club about what had happened between him and Miles and nobody had doubted his words. He could easily have lied about this too.

Juice sat up straight, rubbing his face. How could he find out? Should he flirt with him? There were hundreds of girls he had flirted with, but he had no idea how to flirt with a man.

Juice knew this wasn't important at all at the moment, but of all his problems this one was the most pleasant one. He rather thought about Shane than about Miles' bloody face or the fact that he had to tell the club that his father was black. He could survive a broken heart. But the other two problems... he had his doubts. Maybe he wouldn't even be a Son anymore after today. Maybe he'd even get a Mayhem vote.

All of a sudden, panic squeezed his throat. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and breathed in deeply, slowly letting go of the air again. Dark spots were dancing before his eyes, and suddenly he saw nothing but a dark red haze. It felt like he was smelling blood, as if his face was covered with it. Miles' blood. Or maybe it was his own blood. His fingers were shaking as he brought them to his head, as he drove his nails into his scalp. His heart beat like crazy, his head pounded in the same rhythm. He bent his neck, shielding off his head with his hands. He wanted to disappear, wanted to be forgotten.

It didn't take long before the first tears of this day rolled down his cheeks.

* * *

Alex watched the clock. It was past half past seven, usually she headed to the garage around this time and she wanted to stop off at home to get her chestbinder and cut before getting there. Had Juice slept through the alarm?

She left the living room and crossed the hallway on the way to his bedroom. There, she knocked on the door. "Juice?"

When he didn't answer, she opened the door. He sat on the ground, his back against the bed, hugging his knees and pressing his face against them. He wasn't wearing anything but boxer shorts, but that was the last thing that crossed Alex's mind. She crouched down in front of him and stroked the left tattoo on his head. Her touch made him look up. Alex swallowed at the sight of his red, puffy eyes and the distraught look in it. During her time in the army she had seen lots of people having panic attacks, by which she knew Juice was suffering from one. She laid her hand over his and slowly stroked his thumb. "How long are you sitting here?"

He shrugged, staring past her.

"How do you feel right now? Do you have trouble breathing? Heart palpitations?" Worried, she looked at him. His breathing was faltering, but it seemed that the worst was over.

"My head... My whole body just feels so heavy," he muttered. With jerky fingers he rubbed his face. "I'm afraid to lose the club, Shane. That they will vote me out. Maybe – maybe I'll even get Mayhem."

"Are you crazy? Of course not. I'm sure nobody will care about your black dad, Juice, and come on, you really think someone wants to kill you for this? Would you vote for that if it was about one of your brothers?"

Juice shrugged indifferently, as if he was no longer able to think.

"I know this isn't easy for you, Juice, but it has to happen. Believe me as I tell you that the guys care more about you than about a stupid outdated rule. Everything will be fine, okay?" She laid a hand against his cheek, something that was easier after their last talk. "And whatever happens; I will be there for you. If they are really so stupid to kick you out of the club, I will quit prospecting too."

"Would you... would you really do that?" he asked baffled. His fingertips wandered across her hand as he looked at her. With her thumb she caressed his cheek, and it seemed to help him calm down a bit.

"I would. If they really treat their brothers in the way you fear, this isn't a group of people I want to belong to. It contradicts everything SAMCRO stands for. And that is why I don't believe they will turn their backs on you. You are family, Juice. But in case the whole world goes crazy and you turn out to be right, just know that you can still count on me."

With his right hand, the man rubbed his eyes. The fingers of his other hand were still on hers. For a while they kept sitting this way, then Shane stood up and held out her hand.

"Come on. You can do this."

With a sigh he grabbed her hand and she pulled him on his feet. He still looked defeated and she pulled him into a hug. She let her forehead rest against his. The look in his eyes was still tensed, skittishly. After a short hesitation she laid a hand on his neck and gave him a brief kiss.

"We will work this out."

It was a promise referring to more than the situation with Juice's father alone. With her thumb she stroked his bottom lip to make sure he knew that too, and when he realized what she meant, a small smile appeared on his face.


	33. Guilt

Luitenant Roosevelt stared at him with raised eyebrows. "You didn't take the sample?"

Juice was leaning back in his chair and shook his head indifferently, despite the fact that he felt anything but nonchalant. He pushed away the unrest as far as he could. He had given the drugs to Shane; there was no way back. "There were no drugs."

The man leaned over the table, giving him a threatening look. "We both know that's bullshit."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

With a sigh, Roosevelt opened the file with the picture of his father. "Do I really need to show you this again?"

"You can show it whoever you want. I told them – and I'm still wearing my cut. Guess you were wrong, pal." A triumphant grin appeared on his face as the man squeezed his eyes.

Oh, he was so grateful to Shane. Instead of twisting and turning to meet the demands of the cops, he felt liberated.

"So I assume I'm free to go? Or do you want me to make a statement for your supervisors about the way you tried to blackmail me? It's pathetic that you of all people plays the race card. I expected more from you, luitenant."

* * *

Juice could barely believe it. The man had tried to scare him once more, but he had just kept shrugging indifferently. He had pretended to be Shane while sitting on that chair, untouchable, and that had helped him get through it. It was done now. No more secret meetings, no more threats.

Still the relief was minimal.

The thing he feared most, the thing that had started the whole war in his head, still had to be done. He had to tell his brothers the truth about his father, as soon as opportunity knocked. Luckily some of them had been around when Roosevelt picked him up for a piss test, so it shouldn't be too hard to find an opening.

He just got to do it. It was simple as that. No more excuses. He tried to trust in Shane. Even if everything went to hell, he wouldn't be on his own. He would still have his best friend. Or whatever defined their current relationship.

Clinging to that thought, he rolled up the compound of Teller Morrow.

Chibs nodded to him. "How was the piss?"

Juice took a deep breath.  _Come on, you can do it._ For a moment his eyes shot past Chibs, looking for Shane. The prospect however wasn't around; he wouldn't get an encouraging glance. He had to do this by himself.

"There was no piss test," he said in the same breath. "They tried to blackmail me, pushed me to take a sample of the drugs. Guess they are looking for another way in now Miles didn't show up."

Chibs lifted his eyebrows. "Blackmail you with what?"

He took another deep breath.  _Tell him. Just tell him._ "My dad is black."

For a few seconds, he stared at his older brother.

"My dad is black," he repeated, suddenly tensed to the bone again. "You know how the club's attitude is towards black people. Roosevelt thinks you will throw me out, that I will lose the club, and he wanted to use it to force me to cooperate. So – so I figured I'd better tell you myself." His voice was shaking, tears jumped into his eyes. "But... I'm scared," he whispered, rubbing his eyes. "The club is all I got. I can't – I can't lose all of you."

"Aye, calm down, son." Chibs laid a hand against his neck and pressed his forehead against Juice's, just like Shane had done a few hours ago. This time, his body barely responded. "You're Hispanic according to your passport, right? Don't ye worry 'bout it." He squeezed his shoulder. "You did well. Again."

Juice stared at the grond.  _Again._ If he only knew how Miles  _really_ had came to his end...

"I'll talk to Clay," he promised. "Ye will be all right, Juicy boy."

* * *

When Clay called him in, he felt so nervous it felt like he was dying. He stepped into the Chapel and closed the doors when his President told him to do so. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he looked at the carved Reaper in the wooden table. The symbol of his club. The symbol that was on his arm – and that might be blacked out by the end of the day. Because he no longer fitted in.

"Have a seat."

Juice already headed for his spot, but Clay stopped him verbally. "No, here." With his eyes he signaled to the chair next to him, the place that was usually reserved for the Sergeant of Arms. It made him nervous. If they voted Mayhem, the sentence would be carried out by the one who was usually sitting here. By Tig.

Swallowing with difficulty, Juice sat down, forcing himself to look at his President. Cigarette smoke was curling around the man.

"You know, most days this life is just riding around, getting shit done," Clay started. "Some days, it's more than that. Some days we ask our guys to do shit very few men could do."

As discreetly as he could, Juice blew out the breath he had held in unintentionally.  _This isn't about my father._

Clay reached out his hand and laid a thin, elongated piece of fabric at the table.

A patch. The Men of Mayhem patch.

In disbelief, Juice stared at it. A bad feeling arose in his stomach. If there was anyone who  _didn't_ deserve this patch, it was him.

"That's what this means. The way you handled the Russians, this hard thing with Miles. I'm proud of you."

Juice pressed his lips together. Even with the knowledge that Clay's appreciation was based on lies, his last words meant a lot to him. "Thanks."

Clay leaned forward, looking him right in the eye. "But now you need to put it behind you. You understand me?"

A few seconds passed by. Then he nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

Clay stood up, picking up the patch. Quickly Juice left his chair as well, taking the patch that was offered to him. "You deserved this." The man took a step forwards, wrapping an arm around him. "I love you, son."

Juice blinked his eyes, trying to ward off the tears.  _Oh, if he only knew..._ "I love you too," he muttered.

Clay let go of him. "Go back to the warehouse. Keep them alert."

Juice swallowed a sigh and nodded. "Yeah..." He wanted to turn around, but he couldn't leave without knowing more about the issue with his dad.

"Did Chibs tell you? About my old man?"

Clay looked briefly at him and nodded. "I'll bring it to the table soon, so we can take a vote for abolishing that rule. Don't worry about it, son. You'll be fine."

Relieved, he breathed in. Hope filled his chest immediately.

But as soon as he walked away, heading for his bike, something dark slipped inside his heart.

He had killed his brother. And now he had even gotten a reward for it.

* * *

It started to cool off, it had became dark already. Alex was standing guard at the warehouse for almost the whole day and her body felt stiff. Even though she was at the front of the building now, the memories about Miles' rape floated through her head.

A ringtone chased away the suffocating images and she pressed the phone against her ear. "Yeah?"

"Is Juice with you?" Chibs asked. "Try to call him for ages. He looked scattered when he left the clubhouse."

"He went to Miles' grave, a while ago," she answered. "I'll go get him."

She had wanted to give him some space to find closure, knowing she wasn't the best support since she was glad that Miles was dead, but he was alone for a long time now. She thought back to this morning, when he had broken down. She could easily see that happen again.

"Should he call you, you need him?"

"Nah, just keep an eye on him. I'm worried about him."

"Okay. I'll take care of him." She hung up. That Chibs was also worried about him, bothered her. Had it been wrong to leave him alone for such a long time? He had told her everything had gone according to their plan with Roosevelt, and that he had entrusted Clay and Chibs with his secret. He had less worries than this morning.

She put away her phone, told the one next to her that she was going to look for Juice and walked away from the warehouse, into the woods. Branches snapped underneath her boots. It was hard to orientate in the dark; she hadn't returned to Miles' grave after she'd dug it.

"Juice?" she called.

No answer. A gnawing feeling arose inside her and she moved on, trying to picture her surroundings in daylight. A little more to the left. It couldn't be that far.

Suddenly she saw him. He was standing next to a large tree, close to Miles' grave.

"Juice?"

As if he was sedated, he stared forward, again a prisoner inside his own dark world. She slapped away a few branches. Only when she was very close to him and something snapped underneath her boot, he turned around. Her eyes grew wide as she saw the chain in his hands, which was also around his neck.

Tears were shining on his cheeks, the look in his eyes was so lost it gave her shivers.

"Juice what are you doing?" she asked with a cracked voice.

But it was clear as day what he had wanted to do. He had wanted to hang himself. Her fingers were trembling as she moved them to his neck, taking away the chain. She could no longer keep up her mask; she started to sob. "What the hell are you doing, man!"

In a flash she saw her mother before her eyes, hanging in the barn.

"I can't do this," he whispered, turning his face away. "I killed a friend and they even get me a patch for it! How the hell am I supposed to live with myself?"

"He was a sick motherfucker!" she snarled. "The only thing he deserved, was a lot more pain!"

Juice stared at her.

Alex rubbed her face. She had to tell him. Fuck it, he had almost killed himself because of his guilt! She pressed her lips together, but the tears overpowered her again. She tore the chains away from his hands, threw them on the ground and pulled him into a hug, still crying.

"You know what my mom did, how I found her," she said with a shaky voice, having lost total control of it. "How could you – you knew I would be the one finding you! Damn it, Juice, I can't lose you! My whole family is gone, I can't – I can't lose this family too.'

Juice held her so tight it hurt, but she didn't let go of him.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I – I just don't know what to do anymore. I lost myself... I just want... peace in my head."

Shakily, Alex breathed in. She pulled back her head a little, stroking his cheek with her hand. "You really wanna die?"

He looked past her. "The guilt is tearing me up."

Alex took a deep breath. She could end that guilt.

And she had to. Whatever the consequences. He was more important to her than her promise to her brother. Kip was already dead; Juice could still be saved.

"Me too," she said quietly.

Confused, Juice looked at her. "W-what?"

She took a deep breath. Her eyes wandered to the chain that was lying on the ground, making her shiver again. "I gotta tell you something." Or maybe showing him was a better idea; she had a feeling there was no room left in his head for more words. "But not here."


	34. No More Lies

Alex couldn't remember she had ever been so nervous. It was impossible to predict his response. He might feel so betrayed that he would never be able to forgive her, maybe he never wanted to see her face again. She tried to talk herself out of that fear; it would be a shock, but in the end it wouldn't change much.  _Not really._

At home she emptied two glasses of whiskey before she changed clothes and walked to Juice's house, knowing she would have some drinks there too. The way in which she wanted to announce that she was a woman, was also increasing the nerves. Since the moment she had given him that lap dance, it however had been a fantasy of hers to reveal him the truth like this, and she had decided to at least live up to her own fantasy. She didn't want to throw it in his face any way. If she brought it in a playful way, he might not make such a big deal of it. 

_Yeah right, Alex. He will discover that his so-called best friend doesn't exist. He'll surely make a big deal out of it, unless you get him drunk and give him the best night of his life. But then you'll have to face the problem tomorrow anyway._

Taking a deep breath, she rang the bell. She was still wearing her cut, which she had buttoned up to hide her breasts. However, if he paid a little attention to it, he would see the difference. 

The door swung open and Juice let her in. There was still a dull look in his eyes, giving her courage. The goal of this evening was to take his guilt away and she knew for sure that was going to happen. 

"How do you feel?" she asked as they walked to the living room. There was already a joint ready on the table, and there was less booze in the bottle than yesterday. She clearly wasn't the only one needing a drink. 

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "Tired."

Not only physically, she knew. Especially mentally. 

At the porch they shared the joint, without saying much. 

"So... what is it you have to tell me?" he asked after a while, staring into the distance. "You killed a friend too?" His tone was cold. 

She had. But she couldn't explain that before she explained  _everything_ and she didn't want to add new lies to her list of falsities. "I need one more drink," she muttered. 

From the side he looked at her, his brows furrowed. 

They took that drink not much later, on the couch. It became two drinks. Alex decided that should be her limit, before the alcohol would convince her to keep the truth to herself. Juice sat slumped down next to her, his eyes closed. His face was still tensed, there were deep lines around his eyes. She turned a bit more towards him and followed one of the lines with her thumb. As soon as he felt her touch, his eyes flew open. Alex swallowed with difficulty. She stood up, sat down on his lap with knees on both sides of him, her face towards his. 

Fright reflected in his eyes. Searching, hesitating, his eyes shot to her lips. Placing a hand against his cheek, she kissed him. It didn't take long before he kissed her back, but it was less passionate than the day before and this time he was the one pulling back his face. 

"We shouldn't do this," he muttered. "Yesterday you told me you needed time to figure things out with Mila..."

"I have no feelings for Mila. At least no feelings compared to what I feel for you." She held his glance. Confusion beamed in his eyes. 

His Adam's appel bobbed as he swallowed. "You're just saying that to make me feel better after what I almost did today."

"I wanted to kiss you ever since the moment I saw you for the first time, Juice."

His eyes widened. "What?"

She bowed towards him and whispered in his ear: "Yes."

Right after that she kissed him below his ear, in his neck. She heard how his breathing became heavier, underneath her she felt how he was getting in the mood for more. When she looked back at him, there was a dashing look in his eyes. His hand glided to her neck and he pushed his lips roughly on hers. There was a wild longing in the way their lips crashed, a passion they had both suppressed for far too long. His tongue invaded her mouth, attacking hers fiercely. Greedy, she kissed him back. She sat up a little straighter on her knees so that he had to look up to her. His hands glided to her bottom and clamped around it. She bit his bottom lip, where after she pulled back a little and looked into his stormy eyes.

Again the nervousness flamed up, but she pushed through it. She ripped open the press studs of her cut and let the piece of leather slid off her arms. As she started to open the top button of her shirt, she saw his face pale. 

"I don't know if I... already want..." he stammered with wide eyes. 

 _If you already want sex with a man,_ she filled in, but she didn't speak it out loud. 

"I just wanna show you something."

Juice's eyes became even wider. "Is it your stab wound? Is that what you needed to tell me – is it infected, will you die from it?"

She chuckled, wondering where the hell that thought was coming from. "No man."

Her fingers were trembling as she unbuttoned the rest of her shirt. Juice didn't say a word. He stared at the strip of skin that she exposed. Only when she took off the shirt, he inhaled sharply. 

For a moment his eyes were glued to her breasts, then they shot back to her eyes. Incomprehension was written all over his face – but it wasn't changing into an angry grimace. Yet. It just didn't seem to land. 

She took his hands that were laying on her hips and moved them to her breasts. She just wanted to feel his touch, before that chance would pass. It was seven years ago since someone had touched her breasts and her whole body was responding.

"I... I don't get it," he stammered. Again his glance wandered downward. A bit absent minded his thumbs were pressing against her nipples, while his hands folded around her bosom. "Do you – do you have a genetic disorder?"

Alex started to laugh – a nervous laugh. He was the only one who would come up with a response like that. 

"That's a way to describe it too..." She caught his glance, he was still blocking the truth. "I'm a woman, Juice."


	35. Trading Secrets

Shane – was a woman. 

Maybe even a girl, according to her age. 

The one who had tried to hide a stab wound, who had put a gun to her own head without flinching, who had responded completely indifferent after seeing him murder Miles, who had solved the whole shit with Roosevelt – was a girl. 

His cheeks started to burn with shame. That the young prospect had more guts than he, was one thing. But that it was even  _a girl_ who had gotten him through all this misery, was just insane. 

"I don't believe it," he said dazed. 

"You wanna look between my legs too?"

Juice's cheeks got even hotter. He was familiar with Shane's smirk, but this time it looked very different. Everything looked different. The lines of her face were less sharp, the eyebrows thinner, her eyelashes longer. He felt like an enormous idiot for not having seen that before. Those tits... he had even felt them before. He however had been convinced they were fake. 

His eyes drifted back to her breasts. They were small, barely a hand full, but nice and pointy. He pulled away his hands – he wanted away from her with his whole body because his brain just couldn't process the information, but she was still on his lap, completely shameless with her uncovered upper body. 

"I...  need fresh air."

She stood up. Juice jumped up and stormed outside. The cold night air didn't help at all, it felt like he was choking. Those damn tears that were plaguing him for two days now, showed up again. With his hands he leaned on the fence surrounding the porch, staring at the grass behind it. He had cared a lot about Shane – he had even trusted him with his life by not killing him yesterday – and now he didn't seem to know the guy at all. Even worse, he didn't even  _exist._

He heard footsteps behind him, but he didn't look aside when she stood next to him. 

"Why didn't you tell me? You didn't trust me?"

"There was no reason to tell you."

"No reason?!" he burst out, this time turning his face towards her. He clenched his fists. "I'm messed up for weeks because I was afraid I fell for a man!"

She sighed. "I didn't know that before yesterday."

"Bullshit. You always know what's on my mind." He let out a hollow, cynical laugh. "And I didn't even realize you're a chick. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"You're not the only one, Juice."

He snorted. No one else had been so close to Shane as he was. "Does no one know?"

"I told Tara yesterday."

"You did tell  _Tara?_ And not me?!" He hadn't even seen those two  _talk_.

"Miles discovered it too."

That explained a lot. He had never understood why those two hated each other so much.

"He raped me."

"And you liked it so much you decided to walk around half naked in my house too?" he shot back, looking at her chest. She had put on her cut again, but she was wearing nothing underneath it and he could still see a part of her breasts. 

He didn't see the blow coming. Suddenly her fist hit his jaw and his head swung to the side. A tooth pierced his lip and with a grunt he pushed her away. In the back of his head he knew it wasn't okay to say things like that, but right now there was only anger in his body. 

"Leave me alone," he grumbled, before he would say more things that he would regret later. 

"Can't you just listen to..."

"Leave me alone!" he snarled. 

"Fine. I'll wait inside."

"No. Fuck off. Go home."

There was a frustrated sigh, then she left his field of vision. Juice rushed to the stairs leading to his garden and dropped down on it. His jaw was pounding, the wound stung. He needed something stronger than a cigarette, but he would have to go inside to get it and something told him she hadn't left. 

 _She._ He didn't even know her fucking name. 

He took a deep drag from his cigarette and ran a hand across his mohawk. What a fucking mess. With a grim face he stared forward. Furiously he blew his breath through his nose, even though he didn't even know for who his anger was meant; for himself or for her. 

Why had she told him the truth now? Was she convinced he would tell no one, because she had known what had really happened between Miles and him? If he ratted her out, would she do the same? He wiped his eyes. His head was already such a mess, it felt like it was bursting now. 

For a long time he kept sitting on the stairs, staring forward, his thoughts racing. His arms felt cold when the anger finally subsided. It was replaced by an uneasy feeling. She had told him Miles had raped her and he had stated that she'd liked it. What the hell was wrong with him? Sighing, he stood up and dragged himself inside the house. She sat on the couch, one foot leaning against the edge of the coffee table. She was wearing her shirt again; his words hadn't left her indifferent. 

With a sigh, he sat down next to her. "Sorry. I didn't mean what I said. About the rape."

"I know," she said shortly, but her eyes showed her pain. 

"To be honest it's hard to believe you just let that happen. You know how to punch someone." He rubbed his cheek. 

"He had placed cameras in my bathroom, filming me when I was showering," she answered. Her voice was different from Shane's. The timbre was lighter, a little hoarser, but it wasn't specifically female. "At the warehouse he threatened to send the videos to everyone if I wouldn't blow him. His finger was already on the send button."

Juice cursed, his eyes wide with disbelief. It hadn't been a drunken action, it had been a carefully planned deed and it made him furious. 

"I didn't wanna lose the club, I got nothing but Mila, so I did it. But I didn't break like he'd hoped, so later that night he fucked me until he thought I was broken."

"Jeez. Why the hell didn't you yell at him, attract the attention of the others? The Mayan and Rat were on the other side of the lot!"

"And then what?" she snorted. "Then everyone would have known that I'm a woman. They would have thrown me out and with some bad luck it would even have led to my death."

Juice kept silent. He had stolen drugs because he was afraid to lose the club and she had been raped for the same reason. They made quite a team... "Miles would have betrayed you, sooner or later. I don't get..."

"I wanted to kill him, the day after. The only way to get through that night, was by fantasizing about what I would do with him the next day, how I would shove a broom into his ass until it came out of his fucking throat again. And well... that plan failed when you felt the need to shot him in his head."

His gaze glided to the side. Her facial expression was hard. "Sorry," he said quietly. 

She shrugged. "If you hadn't killed him, you would have been way deeper in  shit."

He bent his head. "Yeah..."

"That's why I tell you this, Juice. So that you stop feeling guilty about having killed that asshole. He was insane – he was disgusting. All he wanted to do that night, was destroy me."

Juice peeked to the side. How was it possible that she was still so strong after everything she had been through? While he had wanted to hang himself this afternoon? Her willpower was admirable, since she had pretended to be a man for months. 

"I don't even know your name," he muttered after an awkward silence.

"Alex. Alex Epps."

His eyes widened. 

"Yeah, Kip was my little brother."

 "Holy shit." Juice ran a hand across face. He thought back to one of their first conversations, when she had told him that her brother was murdered. He couldn't believe that she had been talking about Kip. "You told me he was shot."

She nodded slowly. "The truth was just distorted a little, I was afraid someone would somehow connect the dots."

"You do all this for him?"

She nodded. "I want to earn my top rocker. For him. Because he died before he could receive his. As soon as I've earned it, I'll tell everyone who I am." She turned at the couch, so she was sitting sideways, pulling up one leg. "I was sent on a mission when he died. When I came home, his funeral was already over. I had no closure, nothing. He was just gone, all of a sudden. I bottled up everything, kept doing my work in the field but I couldn't see everything clear anymore. In the end things went wrong; I mistook a pal for an enemy and I killed her. After that incident I was dismissed, but I wasn't persecuted because the army surgeon diagnosed me with PTSD and stated that it had been an accident." She sighed. "I had nothing outside the army. I however remembered all those times Kip had spoken so lovingly about you, his new family and that's why I decided to join SAMCRO. Hoping to feel his presence." With her shoulder she leaned against the backrest. "And because I just need the adrenaline."

Juice took some time to take in her words. That she had been with the military, explained at least her dauntlessness, that inevitable look. "Did you find it? His presence?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Sometimes it just gives me peace; hanging around with the ones he considered as his friends." She touched the ring in her lip. "Yesterday Tara told me about the day he died. That she was with him. It was the first time I could speak openly about him."

"Was that the reason you told her the truth?" He was still annoyed by the fact that she had entrusted Tara with her secret before him. 

She shook her head, sighing. "No. Somebody had to examine my injuries after the rape and I needed a morning after pill. I didn't want to register myself in the hospital as a woman. Tara could help me... do things unofficially." 

He watched her for a while. Guilt was still burning in his stomach because of his words earlier. "I am really sorry for you, Alex. For what Miles did – and for what happened with Half... uh, Kip." He took a deep breath and leaned back in the couch, staring at the ceiling. "But I'm still fucking mad at you." He clenched his teeth, thinking about the way she had shown him who she was. As if it was some kind of game. "You could have trusted me."

"Could I, Juice?" she asked calmly. "How long do we know each other? Just a few weeks. You are a Son for years and as a woman I'm an intruder. Until that shit with Roosevelt went down, you were loyal."

His shoulders slumped down as he heard that last word. Would he have reported it to the others? He respected Sack, understood why she wanted to do this. But if someone else discovered the truth and  _did_ bring it to the table, he would hang as well. 

"Is that the reason you tell me the truth now?" he asked bitterly. "Because I can't rat you out, since you can rat me out too?"

"Fuck you, Juice," she hissed. "You really think I would do that?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't know, Alex. I don't know you."

"I'm just Shane with tits, okay? I'm not a different person now, and you know that damn well. If you believe you should report this to the others, I won't stop you. I took that risk when I decided to tell you the truth. The vow I made to my brother is sacred to me, but I didn't want Miles to be the reason that you would be dead while I could have prevented that. For that motherfucker deserved a lot more than just a few bullets in his head."

Juice sighed, massaging his temples. He wouldn't tell the others, not after everything she had done for him. He would only hate himself for it. "If they find out I knew it all along..."

"They won't. As long as you don't get drunk and blur things out, they have no reason to believe you knew it."

"You think?" he asked quietly. "We kissed before. Some know about my feelings for you."

"They also know you are struggling with it," she answered, shrugging. "That you are afraid that you've become bisexual."

A new sigh left his lips. That was at least one fear that had vanished now. He bent his head, resting it in his hands. He wished that Alex had trusted him earlier, not only because he was a coward who had wanted to kill himself. And at the same time he wished she had never told him, for keeping more things from the club felt very, very wrong. He was trading one secret for the other.

 


	36. Stay With Me

"Are there other things you lied about?" Juice asked after a long silence. His voice sounded flat, almost distant. It felt like his emotions were about to bury him again and he desperately tried to block them. 

"I twisted around a lot of things, Juice. You really want a list?"

"Yeah. I do." He didn't look at her, he had bent back his head and stared at the ceiling, as if the white planes could ease his mind. 

"Fine. I'm twenty-eight, not twenty. My father didn't die in a car crash, he was at the World Trace Center when the building was hit. Everything else I told you about my past is true; my mother couldn't deal with the loss of her husband, became a drunk and hanged herself. Kip and I came to live with my uncle, where we started to work at his garage. I never finished school, when I was twenty-one I signed up for the army." She paused. He had turned his head back to her, although his face was blank. But it wouldn't take long before that would change, she knew. "Mila pretends to be my girl to keep the Croweaters away. Now and then we've kissed in the clubhouse, but that was only to keep up appearances. In fact, I'm single for over six years." She bit the ring in her lip, gathering the courage to unravel the last lie. Her shoulders tensed. "And the last thing I wasn't honest about, was the fact that I was stabbed by the Russians."

Juice narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Juice, it isn't that hard to fill in the rest?"

He stared at her for a few seconds.

Rolling her eyes, she answered: "I couldn't fight in the ring, since I had to take off my shirt and everyone would have seen the chest binder I was wearing. So I told all of you that I was stabbed."

"You faked it?" His eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

"No, I stabbed myself."

Juice jumped up from the couch. "You did  _what?_  Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

"Kinda, according to my last psych evaluation." She lifted the corner of her mouth. 

"You think this is funny?" he blew up at her. "Man, you're fucking crazy, huh? Stabbing yourself!" He shook his head furiously. "You could have killed yourself, damn it, your  _brother_ was killed that way!"

"I knew what I was doing," she answered coldly. "There was no other way."

"Of course there was! You could have..." With a grim face he trailed off.

"Well?" she insisted with raised eyebrows. "What would have been your genius solution?"

"I don't know," he muttered. "Not now. I can barely think anyway at the moment. But we could have came up with something. Together." His voice trembled as he added the last word.

"Together?" she repeated, shaking her head. "We just smoked  _one_ joint. We had  _one_ good talk. Or friendship might have grown fast, but not  _that_  fast."

"And it clearly wasn't as strong as I thought," Juice grunted, turning his head away.

Alex swallowed a sigh. She didn't know what to answer. 

"What do you want now?" she asked after a while. "You want me to stay? Leave? You wanna fuck off that chaos in your head? I can pick up a Croweater from the clubhouse?"

Juice stared at her. "A Croweater? I thought... that you had feelings for me."

She shrugged. "I do, but I'm not a whore who's going to cheer you up that way. Can't have sex anytime soon anyway, it still hurts like hell. I'm not going to pretend I like the thought that you are screwing another girl, but I'll get over it. If you need a fuck, you should have one. I've seen you bang someone right in front of me before and I survived that too."

A pink glow spread across his face. "After the lapdance?"

"Uh-uh."

Sighing, he scratched his neck, being silent for a while. "No, I don't want a Croweater," he said eventually. "But I neither want to be alone..."

"Fine. I'm getting used to your couch anyway."

"You can also..." He shrugged. 

"Yeah, let's not do that anytime soon. Things are complicated enough between us without ending up in your arms in the middle of the night."

He bent his head, not saying another word.

Alex bit the inside of her cheek. Had she been too harsh? But it was the truth. He was still angry at her, which made sense. He needed time to deal with everything that had been said tonight and sleeping together... they could better wait with that until things had settled down between them. She knew him; when he saw her face as he woke up tomorrow morning, everything would come back in one blow. His anger as well. She hadn't forgotten about his snarl earlier today. 

She filled two small glasses and sat down a little closer to him, turning to the side, with her elbow leaning against the backrest. He had placed his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. She tapped against the tattoo on his head until he tore away from his racing thoughts and looked up. 

"How's it goin' in there?" She gave him the glass, which he slammed in one movement.

He shrugged his shoulders. "This whole day is just..." He heaved a deep sigh. "That talk with Roosevelt, the Man of Mayhem patch, the fact that I wanted to kill myself... and now you turn out to be a girl... It feels like something snapped inside my head, as if I'm having hallucinations." A tear shone in the corner of his eyes. "I just don't know what to do, don't know what I want anymore. I don't want you around but I neither want you to leave and..." Pressing his lips together, he rubbed his face.

His despair already told her what he really wanted, despite the fact that he couldn't admit it to himself because he knew he should be angry at her. But he wanted to be held, he wanted to feel safe, loved. She emptied the glass, scooted a little closer and pulled him in her arms. He leaned into her immediately, his cheek pressing resting her bosom. Warm drops wet her shirt as a few tears glided down his cheeks. 

That poor guy... She wrapped an arm around his shoulder, her left hand glided up and down across his neck. Dipping her head, she kissed his scalp. 

"You think I'm a coward?" he asked quietly, barely audible because he was murmuring against her shirt. 

"I don't." Soothing, she rubbed between his shoulder blades. "I just have the feeling that you are the only Son with a functional conscience. But you have to let things go now, Juice. The Russians, Miles... let it go. They won't get their lives back, you can't change what has happened and you shouldn't wish you could. They deserved a bullet." Again she pressed her lips against the ink. 

His hand arched around her side, his finger tips clawing desperately in her flesh. For a long time he was silent. His breathing normalized, but he kept leaning into the embrace. 

"I want you, Alex," he whispered after a while. "Whether you're Alex or Shane... I don't care anymore. You're the only one... the only one who can help me to get my head clear. If I hadn't known you, then I..."

"It doesn't matter what might have happened. It didn't."

He looked up, moving his hand to her face and gliding with his fingers across her cheek. They were shaking on her skin. He kept her glance, and again the brokenness in it made her shiver. Could she ever bring back that smile to his face? Would his eyes ever shine again? Roosevelt had pulverized something inside him, he had changed something for good. There had been more times that he had been burdened by his conscience, but everything that had happened yesterday, had been too much for him to bear. 

"Do you want me? Really want me? I'm such a failure, I..."

"Hey, stop it." Her thumb brushed his lips so he would stop talking. His eyes were wide, looking expectantly at her. She knew what he wanted, what he was craving for, but she knew that would only be a temporary solution. The men were used to obscure their problems with sex, but in the end it never solved anything. "I want you, Juice. You aren't my best friend because I feel pity for you. I fell for you the moment you left prison and showed that gorgeous smile of yours, and my feelings have grown ever since. You were there when I needed you, you made me smile, you are the only Son who really tried to get to know me. Every moment I spent with you, means a lot to me. The deal with Roosevelt, the fact that you wanted to kill yourself... that doesn't change a damn thing, okay? But you're confused now, there's still anger inside you because I have lied to you and you first need to sort out your thoughts before we can decide if we want something real in the long term."

"I want that," he said, his voice firm. "It's... It's the only thing I'm sure of right now." His dark, pleading eyes lit a flame inside her chest. "Please. Stay with me tonight. I just... I don't wanna be alone."

Alex knew she could never deny him anything as he looked at her that way. "Okay," she said, slightly smiling. "I'll stay with you tonight."

He hugged her again, burying his face in the crook of her neck. Against her skin, she felt him whisper "thank you". 

Alex rested with her chin on his shoulder, closing her eyes. Right now he was emotional, looped and high. Tomorrow he would probably look at the things in a whole different light. Then he would realize again what she had kept from him, and that having a relationship with someone who kept her identity from the rest of the world would only lead to problems. But she would worry about that later.

She stood up and took his hand. "Come on," she said softly. "Let's go to bed."

A few seconds passed by before he nodded, as if everything was still coming in slow. "Yeah. Okay."


	37. Morning Teasing

There was a breathing that wasn't his. Drowsy, Juice opened his eyes, narrowing them because of the bright light shining through the windows. Apparently he hadn't closed the curtains last night. He was in his apartment – which made the breathing of someone else even stranger. He never took Croweaters home. He rolled on his side. The other was lying with the back towards him. Juice recognized the partly shaved haircut immediately. Shane – no wait, Alex. 

Slowly the memories trickled in. 

Alex, a woman. Half Sack's older sister.

A frustrated grunt escaped his lips as he remembered certain things he had said the night before and he buried his face in his pillow. Again he had been crying for half of the night; he'd called himself a coward and a failure... Shame washed over him and he pressed his face deeper into the pillow. He had told her he wanted her, he had literally  _begged_ her to stay with him. He was pathetic. Why the hell would she want to be with a crybaby like him? Without a doubt she was the most bad ass chick he had ever met and the past days he had done nothing but making a fool of himself. 

Next to him, he felt her turn around. "You okay?"

"I just started to walk the imaginary Walk of Shame," he muttered, trying to keep things light for once. 

She chuckled. "Good luck. I'll sleep a little longer then."

"I think that you're supposed to join me."

"Nah, I know no shame."

He started to laugh mockingly. "Yeah, noticed that." Knowing he couldn't hide behind a pillow all day long, he rolled on his side again and watched her. Her glance wasn't as warm as he had hoped; it was rather a little reserved. 

"How mad are you?" she asked. 

Juice sighed. "To be honest I'm done with feeling angry and scared, if you don't mind."

"I think I can live with that," she smirked. 

It was true. He had had a couple of rough days, but both Clay and Alex had been right. He had to let things go. There was no shred of remorse that he had killed Miles now he knew what the guy had done, he was no longer blackmailed by Roosevelt and they had covered his mistake very well. He owed her so much that it made his anger fade. 

His hand glided underneath her back and with a quick movement he rolled her on top of him. "But you still got some makin' up to do." Surprise radiated from her face. Juice stretched out his hand and tugged a long strand of her hair behind her ear that had been hanging in front of her eyes. "You gimme a striptease again?"

"When I started that yesterday you almost freaked out."

"That was before I knew what nice things were underneath your shirt." He wiggled his eyebrows.

She brought her face closer to his, their noses were slightly touching. "What happened to you tonight?"

"You, Alex. You happened to me," he said honestly, keeping her glance. "And I just can't express how happy I am that you're a chick, even though I thought otherwise  last night. Subtlety isn't exactly your strong suit, huh?" His hands moved down her back until he reached the hem of her shirt –  _his shirt_ – and they slipped underneath the fabric, exploring the curving of her back.  

With one elbow she rested at the mattress, supporting her head with her hand. "I honestly had no idea how to tell you who I am and in my fantasy the revelation was way hotter."

He pulled up one knee and rolled over, so he was on top. His lips wandered to her neck, kissing her skin until he felt her shiver with pleasure. Slowly his kisses climbed higher, until he reached her air. "What other fantasies did you have?" he whispered, searching for her eyes. 

She smiled, with her forefinger she drew a line along his lips. "Haven't seen that wicked grin before."

"I'm savin' it for the ladies."

"Oh, I'm a lady now?"

He lifted the corner of his mouth. The long boxer shorts he felt against his knees, told him the opposite. Although he usually got off on sexy lingerie, he wasn't less excited now. "Hmm, you're too bad ass to be a lady and it makes me fucking horny."

"Yeah, I can see that." Shoving a hand underneath her head, she looked up at him with a grin. Still she didn't make a move, didn't touch him, and he had no idea if she didn't want this or if she was just challenging him. He leaned a little more to the side, creating space so that his fingers could slip underneath her shirt. While they climbed higher and higher across her stomach and her ribs, he kept looking a bit tensed at her. He was used to women who couldn't keep their hands away from him and it made him insecure. Was it because of Miles? Did this call up memories? Her body didn't feel tensed and her breathing sounded normal, but he didn't trust his instincts very well since he neither had noticed that she had been a girl. 

Just before he reached her breasts, she rolled from underneath him, pushing him on his back. Immediately she wrapped a leg over his. Her fingers tiptoed across his stomach. It tickled, making his muscles tense in a spastic way. She leaned closer to him, her lips were just an inch away from his. Very lightly she kissed him, before she trailed kissed to his ear. Her warm breathing against his auricle made him shiver. 

"You wanna know about my other fantasies?" she whispered. 

His breathing was stuck in his throat. Her tone drove him wild, he wanted her so bad there was a throbbing feeling between his legs. As if she could feel that too, her fingers glided across his boxer shorts, wrapping around him and squeezing softly, teasing. He wished he could feel her touch directly on his skin, but he didn't want to sound desperate by speaking out that thought. 

"I fantasized... about havin' sex on your bike,"  she whispered. "Or mine." Her lips touched his neck, following a path along his jaw to his other ear. "And on the meeting table in Chapel, right on top of the carved Reaper." She bit his neck and her fingers glided further down, massaging his balls. 

A moan escaped his lips. "That's... that's almost blasphemy," he uttered, softly panting. 

She smirked. "I rather see it as the ultimate brotherly love."

"That's just gross," he said, but the thought of having sex on that table with her turned him on like crazy. "Fuck Alex, I want you. I want you so bad."

She laid a hand in his neck and gave him a surprisingly tender kiss. Her hand slipped inside his boxer briefs and he breathed in sharply as she folded her hand around him, slowly moving it up and down. 

"How long do you think it has been since the last time I had sex?"

 _The day before yesterday,_ he thought, but he knew that violence had nothing to do with her idea of sex. "I have no idea," he muttered. "Half a year? Since you're pretending to be a man?"

"More than six years." Her fingers glided away from his boxer shorts. "So when I'm healed, you have to meet very, very high expectations."

Juice wanted her fingers around his member again, he even felt the urge to finish the job himself, but he resigned in the torture that was also a great feeling. "Six years..." he repeated, dazed. "How the hell did you do that?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Nice guys are just hard to find." She put down her knees on both sides of him and bent over to him, stroking his lips with her tongue. "So you should feel very, very special, Juice..."

He took a deep breath as she stretched his name. His hands found a route underneath her shirt again. At the moment his hands glided across her breasts, his phone went off. 

With a grunt he laid back and touched for the device. "Yeah?" he answered grouchy. 

"We're gonna take a vote within an hour," Chibs said. 

A unpleasant sensation went through his body. "About... that rule?"

"That too. See ye soon."

With a sigh Juice hang up, the excitement of a few seconds ago was completely gone. He looked up to Alex, the playful expression had left her face as well. 

"Well, seems the moment of truth awaits us," she said. Her hand glided to his cheek and she looked him right in the eye. "You'll be fine, Juice. Tonight we will laugh about the nervousness you feel now." She kissed his forehead and climbed off him. 

With a sigh Juice left the bed as well. There was no way around this. 

 


	38. The Moment of Truth

Juice wished Alex could go with him to Chapel, he knew for sure he would have felt more comfortable than he did now. Right now she was however working at the garage. Before Juice had entered the clubhouse, Chibs had told him that Bobby wanted to assert himself as their new president because he disagreed with Clay's decisions. The whole thing took Juice by surprise; there was barely room in his head to think about such an issue. He still didn't like their collaboration with the cartel, but it was too late to step away from that anyway. 

Well, maybe he wouldn't even have to vote. Maybe he had to hand in his cut soon and get the hell outta here. 

Juice tried to direct his thoughts in another direction. He had to stay positive. While he waited until everyone was seated, he looked at the carved Reaper and thought back to Alex's words; that she wanted to do it with him on this table. The corners of his mouth curled up and his pants tightened. He imagined himself on top, his fingers laced with hers above her head; or her on top, biting her lip as she looked down on him, her fingers stroking his chest as she rode him, the tattoos on her arms shining in the amber lamp light.  He imagined how her small breasts would wobble, how her moaning would sound...

And then he heard his name. 

Dazed, Juice looked up, a hot glow spreading across his cheeks. Everyone was staring at him and for a very brief, but foolish moment he was afraid he had been jerking off without realizing, as Chucky had done so many times before his fingers had been cut off. After a second he saw he wasn't, and thanking god he looked around awkwardly. "Uhm sorry, I was deep in thought."

Usually his brothers would have been chuckling about it, but today everyone was tensed. 

Clay gave him a penetrating look. "I told 'em we'll start with your case and then with Bobby's."

Juice nodded nervously and when Clay kept silent, he realized he had to tell them himself what was going on. Scratching his neck, he tried to gather courage. Although he had no choice, not anymore. 

"Ehm, well, my dad is black, you know." He hadn't prepared a speech, knowing he would be too nervous to stick to a plan anyway and he just threw it on the table. Fidgeting with his finger nails he continued: "Roosevelt picked me up for a piss test yesterday. In reality he tried to blackmail me; he threatened to give you intel about my dad so that you would kick me out. He wanted me to take a sample of the drugs – just like he had ordered Miles to do." He took a deep breath. "So before Roosevelt stops by, I figured I could better confess it myself; my old man is black. I'm not, but..."

"There's still black blood flowing through your veins," Piney grumbled. 

Juice bent his head. If he had been expecting resistance from anyone, it was from Piney; he knew how much he hated black people. "You all know my old man abandoned us. The only thing he ever gave me, is this shit." He rubbed his head, aware of every heartbeat. "I don't wanna lose the club because of him," he said quietly. 

"I got nothing against you, son," Piney mumbled. "But if we start abandoning our own rules, then what? What will be the next step? Allowing women?" He snorted mockingly. 

Laughter arose around them. A bit awkwardly Juice's lips curled up.  _Oh, if you only knew..._

"We don't need to abolish the rule," Jax said. "Just bendin' it a little, limiting it to skin colour. That will never lead to a discussion."

With a grunt, Piney gritted his teeth. "As long as we ain't makin' a habit of it."

Juice wanted to breathe in relief. Right at that moment, there was a rattling sound. Bullets shattered the windows and everyone dove to the ground. Outside there were more gun blasts. 

_Alex._

_Alex._

Bent over, he sprinted to the door, pulling his gun. Hasty footsteps and curses followed him, but he barely paid attention to them. All he could hear, were the gunshots. The shattering glass everywhere around him. 

Right before he reached the front door, a hand closed around his upper arm, holding him down. 

"Don't do anything stupid, Juicy." Chibs gave him an intrusive look. 

 _Like storming outside blindly,_ Juice thought. Exactly what he had been willing to do. He nodded nervously and stepped outside. A red truck raced across the lot, there were at least two shooters in the back. Alex and Phil where partly hiding behind a car while shooting, close to the fence. One of them hit the enemy, making him fall off the car. 

Juice ran outside, towards the two prospects who were right in the path of the shooters who wanted to leave the terrain. Someone threw something at them. Juice's heart hammered in his chest. What was in it? An explosive? His ribs almost felt bruised because his heart was racing so wildly in his chest. With squealing tires the truck left the premise. Some of his brothers ran to the man who had been shot, but Juice had only eyes for Alex. 

His stomach twisted as he saw that she was bleeding. Right in front of her he stood still, panting. 

"I'm okay," she said softly, pressing a hand against her arm. "It's just a graze, I'll put a bandage on it and I'm fine. I just hope it doesn't ruin my tattoo."

Juice couldn't stop himself, he wanted to pull her in his arms, convincing himself she was safe. Before his hands however touched her shoulders, she turned away from him and gave him a withering stare. Juice felt his cheeks burn.  _Shane, she's Shane now,_ he reminded himself. 

She said nothing, picked up the black duffel bag and unzipped it. A shock went through her body and she stumbled backwards. "Holy fuck," she stammered. 

Juice laid a hand against her back to keep her from falling. As his eye caught three severed heads, he felt sick. In a reflex he wrapped his arm around her waist, squeezing her side, although he didn't know if he wanted to ease her or himself. 

"That's... that's Armando," he stammered– he had seen the man alive and well a week ago.

Alex looked to the side. "You know him?"

"SAMTAZ's president," he muttered. 

Chibs walked past them, picking up the bag and looking inside it. "And two Mayans."

With the bag in his hand he walked away, to the others who had gathered around the guy that was shot by Alex or Phil. 

When Juice saw that the other prospect also headed for the others, he looked at Alex. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Juice." An expression of annoyance crossed her face and she stepped aside, so his arm slid off her waist. "Stop treatin' me like I'm some fragile little girl."

"You just saw three severed heads," he stammered. He felt so shocked that he was almost knocked off his feet himself and he couldn't even imagine how a newbie like her would feel. 

"I've seen more mutilated bodies than you can ever handle." She turned away from him and walked to the others.

Juice suppressed a sigh. She was tough – tougher than he. But before today he hadn't known that she was a girl and that had made it easier to accept. 

As soon as he stood next to her again he felt the need to apologize, but with all the others around them he knew better than saying sorry. 

The black van stopped next to them and Happy and Chibs lifted the body in the trunk. 

"Find out what he knows," Clay told them, where after he walked away. A few men went inside the van, but Chibs turned towards them as the others were gone. 

"This was Lobos Sonora. Go to the studio and make sure nothing happens there," he said. He looked from Alex to Juice and back, then his lips bent into a smirk. "It's your lucky day, heard they're doing gay porn today." He winked. "Maybe you'll get inspired."

Juice felt his cheeks flame up. 

"Bet even an old goat like you can learn some new tricks from that," Alex answered with a smirk. 

Chibs chuckled. "You think? Maybe I'll join to watch the show, if the party with that asshole is over." He nodded to the moaning man in the van. 

"You should do that." Alex glanced at her arm. "Think this needs to be stitched?"

The man grabbed her upper arm and took a look at it. "Might be wise. Come on, I'll patch ye up." He pushed her towards the clubhouse. 

Alex nodded and walked to the building. Awkwardly Juice kept standing where he stood. Chibs' comment raced through his head and nestled in a uncomfortable way in his stomach. 

"Tell the other prospects to clear up the place," Chibs told him. "And make sure they say nothing stupid to the cops," he added as the first police car rolled up the parking lot. 

Juice nodded coyly, having the feeling that Chibs wanted to be alone with Alex purposely and it made his nervousness flame up. Was he expecting things, now Juice had almost wrapped his arms around her?


	39. No One Like You

Alex sat down on a chair, her arm resting on the table. Chibs had opened the first aid kit and cleaned the wound. The alcohol made it sting and she grumbled, but other than that she kept her pain to herself.

"How's he doin'?" the Scot asked her after he had disinfected the wound. As the man looked at her, there was a worried glance in his eyes. She wondered if he had felt how close Juice had been to the edge yesterday; that his guilt had tortured him so much that he had wanted to kill himself. If Chibs hadn't called her... She pushed the thought away.

"When I found him yesterday, he was confused and haunted by everything that has happened," she answered. "I dragged him home and we talked for a long time, until I was sure that he no longer blamed himself for Miles' death. By now, he believes he did the right thing, I think."

Chibs taped up the wound. When he was finished, he laid a hand against the back of her head, looking her in the eye. "Yer a prospect we're bloody proud of, Shane. I'm sure ye become a great Son one day."

Alex smiled lightly, wondering if he would still agree with those words if he had known that she was a woman. For someone reason, she believed he would. Chibs was always honest... "Thanks." The man studied her face for a while, and she raised her eyebrows. "What?"

His lips curled into a smirk. "I'm just curious as hell... is there more between you and Juicy?"

"No man," she answered, rolling her eyes. She had stopped blushing about comments like these a long time ago. Furthermore she had decided she didn't want Shane to be gay; if things didn't work out with Juice she would still need Mila to keep the croweaters away – and Juice wouldn't be able to claim that he didn't know that she was a girl if everyone thought they had been sleeping together. "I got Mila. Juice is great, but I prefer pussies. Who knows, if he ever gets one. Anything is possible those days." She smirked, but it didn't take long before she got serious again. "But you should stop teasin' him with his feelings for me. He's takin' it pretty hard."

"That's the whole point," Chibs answered. "We love 'm. Whether he's into pussy or dicks – we don't care. I want him to know that." The Scot stood up and looked briefly at her. "Same goes for you, Shane. I've barely seen yer girl the past weeks. Not for a moment, since..." With a joking grin, he puckered his lips and made some smacking sounds. 

Alex got on her feet as well and bumped her shoulder against his. "That's got nothing to do with this. She just doesn't like the club that much."

"Then ye should dump 'er. Sooner or later she wants ye to choose between her and the club."

"No way. She's a very good Old Lady and she knows when she's crossin' the line."

Still Chibs had a point; Mila should show her face way more often around the club. "But sometimes... it's just hard," she admitted. "I haven't even told her about Miles yet – I wouldn't know how to explain it. I can't mention the cartel; then she'll get on a plane and leave me immediately."

Chibs laid a hand on her shoulder. "Not all lasses fit the club life. You gotta tell 'em everythin' or nothin'."

"Nothing, in my case," she muttered. Mila wasn't like Gemma or Tara. She was the most righteous person she had ever met and most things Alex was involved now, were illegal shit. 

"You'll find your way, son." His lips curled up. "You got always a back-up lover waitin' for ye. He knows the club life inside out." Through the hallway, he nodded to Juice, who was waiting in front of the bikes, his hands deep inside his pockets. 

As he saw them leave the building, a smile crossed his face and Alex remembered immediately why she had fallen so hard for him. 

"Who knows," she said with a grin. 

But it wouldn't come to that. It didn't fit Shane's image, and as soon as Shane and Alex were blending too much, she was afraid she could no longer distinguish them – and for Juice it would be even harder. 

She walked up to the man and slapped his shoulder. "You ready for the gay porn Chibs promised us?"

He glared at her, making her chuckle softly. 

"Why did it take so long?" he asked as he sat down on his bike and put on his helmet. "I thought – for a moment I thought he saw right through you. Because of my stupid action."

"Well, at least he figured out that you have a crush on me," she said with grin. "I told him he shouldn't tease you with your orientation, but he believes it's the perfect way to show you that he doesn't care and that he loves you no matter what. It's actually kinda cute." She gave him a wink. 

His grumbling died away as she started her bike and took off. 

* * *

As they had parked their bikes to the side of the porn studio, they didn't go inside immediately. Alex turned towards Juice, with her shoulder leaning against the wall. "How did it go? Did you take a vote before hell broke loose?"

"At least I told them the truth about my old man. Jax suggested to bend the rule; that only people with a black skin aren't allowed. So I think... I think I'm good." Taking a deep breath, he looked at her. "Without you I probably never would have had the balls to tell them the truth. Then..."

"Yeah, I know." She didn't need a reminder of what would have happened otherwise; that he'd been probably hanging from a tree right now. In a masculine way, she swung her arm around his shoulder and when she was sure nobody was around, she pressed a kiss against his temple. "Forget about it. It all worked out."

As they turned the corner of the building, Alex took away her arm and shoved her hands into her pockets. They went inside, took a beer from the fridge and looked around. 

"There was some shit goin' on at the clubhouse," Alex explained as Lyla greeted them. "They want us to keep an eye on the studio. Just to be sure." She gave her a wink and got a grateful smile in return. 

Juice and Alex plopped down on a couch across one of the sets. She had been here a few times before; had watched live porn and she had to admit she was starting to get used to it – just like she was getting used to everything concerning the club. Mila was disgusted by it and Alex had to admit not everything around her turned her on, but she could watch it without feeling shy, bringing the same grin to her face as the guys were always showing. 

"That Lobos Sonora..." Alex started. "What is it? I believe I miss some really important things now Koz is god knows where with the guns."

It's been a week since she had seen her sponsor. If she hadn't stabbed herself, she might have been ordered to stay with him, and once more she was glad she had taken that drastic measure – otherwise things would have gone whole differently for Juice and her. 

"It's a cartel that isn't too happy about our newest collaboration. Yesterday eh, yesterday Tara received a death threat. They're goin' after our families now." His cheeks flushed as he realized her family was already gone. "Well, that of the others."

Alex nodded slowly, wondering if Mila would be in danger too. She had never thought she would endanger her friend and maybe it was for the best if they took some distance. She looked around until her eyes found Lyla, who was also a target. The reason they were here now. 

"Man, we're in deep shit." She laughed quietly. "Sometimes I really wonder how my little brother ended up here. Gun business, porn, drugs..." She shook her head. "My parents would roll over in their graves if they knew about it."

"Do you ever feel regret?" Juice asked. "About... all this?"

Alex didn't look at him, but watched two women who were almost turning each other inside out on a bed in front of them. She frowned. "No," she answered after a while. "It's... an interesting life."

From the corner of her eye she saw Juice's grin, then his eyes shot forward as well. "Guess this ain't the gay porn Chibs had in mind."

Chuckling, Alex took a sip of beer, leaning back in the couch. "You like this better?"

He muttered something she couldn't hear as he shrugged his shoulders, but a smirk played on his lips. 

For a while they watched the recordings, until they apparently created the impression that they wanted to be spoiled as well. Two girls came to them, sat on their laps, an arm around their shoulders. It wasn't the first time this happened to Alex and usually she just let the other kiss her neck until the girl realized she could better seek her fortune elsewhere. 

She caught Juice's glance as the dark haired girl started to whisper in his ear. Her hand glided down across his chest, to his crotch. The girl that was on her own lap, was blonde and looked at her with bright blue eyes. She was wearing a dark green bra out of which her tits were almost bursting and panties that didn't cover much. 

Alex allowed the girl to kiss her neck. On a whim she pulled the girl further on her lap, so that she wouldn't touch for her crotch like her friend had done with Juice. She chuckled softly at the site of Juice's tormented face; before yesterday he would have been kissing the girl without hesitation and he obviously didn't know what to do now. Alex let her hands travel up the girl's sides, hooking her thumbs underneath the girls bra and gliding them around. The kisses in her neck left her cold, but the way Juice was looking at her now, turned her on. She showed him a ornery smirk and kissed the girl, raking her fingers through her blonde hair. 

The girl smiled at her, and for some reason Alex believed it was hilarious that she didn't know that she was kissing a girl. Alex turned a bit more to the right, so she could watch Juice less conspicuously. She was no fool; she knew this turned him on. And not only him. Her hands glided underneath the bra, kneading the breasts – something she had never done before. 

Juice stared a little stupidly at her and with her eyes she signaled to the girl that was waiting on his attention with an impatient face. Insecurity was in his eyes as his hands moved across her body, grabbing the girl's tits as well. The black haired girl tilted back her head and Juice started to kiss her neck, after every few kisses looking at Alex. 

Alex smirked and did the same, imagining it was her skin along which his lips were gliding. There was no jealousy; it was a bizarre game they were playing but for some reason Alex found it incredibly hot. Her hands ran across the body of the porn star, settling down on the girls hips, underneath her lacy panties. Juice's hands followed the same route without letting go of each other's gaze. In the meantime they were both kissed in the neck so that nobody noticed that they had more eye for each other than for the girls. 

"Finger me," the girl whispered suddenly in her ear. "Please. You're so cute. So hot."

"Sorry babe," she answered softly, caressing her back. "I have a feeling my girl believes I'm already going too far."

The girl couldn't care less. "She doesn't need to know about it, right?" Her words were followed by a long stroke of her tongue along her neck, making Alex's excitement fade away. 

Without saying another word, she pushed the blonde away and with one glare she told her to fuck off. She chuckled softly as the girl hurried away. Maybe it was wrong, but she enjoyed the authority of being a Son. Or at least a prospect.

She turned to the side again and watched the girl on Juice's lap. One hand was underneath his shirt, the other was inside his pants. He had tilted his head back, his eyes closed. For a moment she considered to keep watching how he would come, just because she wanted to see his face change, because she wanted to know how his moaning sounded. Although they weren't a couple yet, she however didn't like the idea of someone else giving him an orgasm, and she shoved her boot to the side and kicked his foot. 

"Come on, let's take a smoke."

His eyes flew open and a guilty expression crossed his face. She chuckled softly, and with a push of her knee she chased the porn star away. Juice's cheeks were red as he walked with her to the exit. 

"Sorry," he muttered. "I... sawing you like that... and when I pretended that you..." He ran a hand across his head and didn't finish his sentence.

Alex said nothing, pulling him around the corner where they had parked their bikes. She took his hand and dragged him with her around the next corner, so that they were at the back of the building where was nothing but trees. There she pushed him against the wall. She unbuttoned his pants, letting her hand slip inside his boxers until she found his hard member. 

"You found that hot?" she asked with a husky voice. She folded her hand around him, enjoying the warmth and the excitement that made him pulse. With a brief movement she took it out of his boxers and looked at it with a smirk. "Hmm, I like it." With her thumb she brushed the soft skin. 

She looked up to him as she started to jerk him off. He stared at her with wide eyes and an open mouth and she couldn't help but think that he was just adorable. 

"Fuck, this... this feels so good Alex," he moaned as she increased her pace. His hands tried to get inside her pants, but when he failed he settled for her back pockets. 

The last time she had done this was years ago, but Juice's breathing convinced her she hadn't lost her touch. He leaned against her as she worked towards a climax. One hand had grabbed her ass, the other was underneath her shirt, clinging to her side. 

"Let me watch your face," she whispered, her hand still moving back and forth.

He looked up, leaning with the back of his head against the wall. His lips were parted, the muscles of his face were tensing, his eyes only half open. He didn't moan loud – the last thing they wanted was attracting attention – but he couldn't swallow it either. He gave her a shaky kiss on her lips as he was about to come. She felt how he tried to give her a real kiss, but his body jolted and he let out a deep grunt that made her bite her lip. 

"Man, you look fucking hot as you come," she whispered in his ear, letting go of him again.

He searched for her eyes, looking dazed, his cheeks turning all rosy. Then he pulled her in his arms, hiding his face in the crook of her neck. Softly he sucked the skin of her neck, still panting. 

"Piney will reconsider his words about no girls in the club if they're all like you," he muttered. 

Alex chuckled softly. "You think there are more people like me?"

He looked up, moved his hands to her face and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. There was a shimmering in his brown eyes. "No. Nobody is like you."

 


	40. Homemade Porn

Out of the corner of his eyes, Juice watched her. They sat in the porn studio again, their guns between them on the couch. No matter how many half naked or naked girls walked around here; Alex was the only one holding his attention – and apart from her arms and face her skin wasn't even exposed. The past years he had been with hundreds of girls, but the way she had just heated him up and the way he had wanted to surrender himself to her, were new to him. The lustful feelings others called up by wearing sexy lingerie, she called up with just one glance, one smirk, one wink. 

She caught his glance and lifted the corner of her mouth. "You ever made a porn?"

"Eh – what?" he stammered.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I feel like you're the type of guy for it," she chuckled. Her boot shoved to his, rubbing against it. It was ridiculous that it made him hold his breath – he barely felt it since they were both wearing leather boots – but he just craved for every touch from her, no matter how small. He hated the fact that he couldn't pull her in his arms, that every touch had to be in secret – and at the same time he enjoyed this new type of tension. He shook off the longing to touch her and answered her question. 

"It's been years ago, but I've been with some croweaters who got the hots for recording it." They hadn't been the only ones; it had turned him on too, but the result hadn't been as exciting as he'd hoped. "Watching it later was eh, kinda embarrassing."

She kept his glance for a while, before it went down across his body. "I wanna try it some time."

"With eh – with me?" he asked a bit clumsy. 

"No, with Piney," she said on a sarcastic tone, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, of course with you."

Juice felt his cheeks getting warm – and he hated it; he didn't know what it was with him lately, usually he never blushed so quickly. A bit awkwardly he rubbed his neck while he noticed how the thought of making a porn with her was getting him hard again.

"Or are you too shy for that?" she teased, her eyebrows raised.

He lowered his voice as a few girls walked past them and tried to put confidence in his words. "Like hell I'm too shy for that. But you should stop gettin' me excited the whole time 'cause I'm almost about to rip your clothes off and take you here on this couch."

She chuckled. "I'll knock you down before you can even touch my clothes."

Juice was about to accept the challenge. He knew Sack had taught her how to box like a boss, but man, he wanted her so badly he doubted  _anything_ could stop him, the moment he let loose. 

In an attempt to distract himself he looked forward again – although all that porn around him wasn't exactly helping him to get into another mood – but the girls were done and they started to tidy up.

"Think we can go, huh?" He had seen that Opie had just entered the building, so Lyla would get home safely. 

Alex nodded and they got on their feet. Before they went outside they talked briefly to Opie, who told them the clubhouse was closed because of the shooting. Juice followed Alex outside, to their bikes. He felt the urge to push her against the wall and kiss her, but Opie's Harley next to theirs pointed out the risks and he sat down on his bike. 

"Wanna go to my place?" she asked. 

Juice nodded, glad with her suggestion. Somehow he was afraid she would find him too clingy, but now the cartel was down on their necks he didn't want to be alone and he definitely didn't want her to be alone. He hadn't forgotten about the severed heads this morning.

* * *

On their way to Alex's house they got some Chinese which they ate on the couch. 

"I'm gonna take a shower," she said as she had finished her plate. "I always feel gross after sitting on those couches in the studio. You clean up?"

Juice had rather joined her taking a shower, but he didn't insist and started to tidy up their stuff. Alex wasn't exactly the most clean person he had ever met, by which he decided to give the kitchen a good scrubbing. In the meantime he hummed with Linkin Park's first album; by now he had gotten used to her obsession for rap metal.

"What the hell are you doin'? Cleaning my whole house or somethin'?" she asked as she returned fifteen minutes later, her bare feet sticking to the laminate. She was wearing a P.O.D. band shirt and the shorts were tighter around her legs than he was used to. 

"Yeah, it's a miracle this place isn't full of cockroaches."

She grabbed a car magazine from the table, rolled it up and hit his head. "You should look in the mirror then."

Juice laughed, lifting her up and putting her down on the clean counter top. She smelled fresh, like soap, and her cheek still felt warm and soft as he caressed it. For a moment he stared into her eyes; then he let himself being carried away by an intense kiss. She hooked her legs around him and pulled him closer. His hands slipped underneath her shirt, moving up across her smooth skin, not being hindered by a bra as he reached her breasts and hugged them. Her lower arms were resting on his shoulders as she kissed him back. 

He sucked at the ring in her lip before he retreated his tongue and looked at her, softly massaging her breasts. She had squeezed her eyes a little, telling him how much she enjoyed his touch. 

"Have you kissed girls before?"

Alex started to laugh. "Really? That's what's on your mind right now?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Don't think I will ever forget about this afternoon."

"No, I'd never kissed a girl." She pressed a kiss to his upper lip. "Nor did I touch them like that." She bowed towards him, whispering: "The only reason it was exciting, was because you were watchin'."

He rested his head against her forehead, playing with her nipples. "I pretended it was you on my lap, but you're way hotter."

Alex laughed. "I'm hotter than a porn star?" She held out her leg. "I dare to bet I'm the first woman with unshaven legs you call hot."

He grabbed her leg, pressing kisses between the soft, blonde hair, from her ankle until over her knee. "They're so light they don't make you much more manly."

Sure – he preferred smooth legs, but he knew that would harm Shane's image and well, he could live with it. His hands ran upwards across her shorts, until he reached her button. 

Feeling somewhat insecure, he looked at her. "May I?" Since the moment she had jerked him off he wanted to please her as well, especially now he knew her last time was ages ago.

She seemed to hesitate.

"Or is it too soon?" His cheeks were getting rosy again. "I will be very gentle and I will stop the moment it hurts. I just... I just want you to enjoy me like I enjoyed you."

Her lips curled into a smile. "Damn, you're such a cutie."

He assumed that was her way of agreeing and he unbuttoned her pants. Slowly he brushed her shorts down her legs, followed by the simple black slip. His fingers glided across the inside of her thigh, to her groins. He lifted her right leg over his shoulder while she leaned back, against the wall, so that her pelvis tilted. His hands curved around her hips as he kissed the skin that he had touched with his fingers just a few seconds ago. A bit skittishly he looked forward, afraid to see wounds. The skin was red on some spots, but other than that he could see no injuries. Very carefully he kissed her outer apron, then his tongue gently brushed the inner ones. He heard her breath in sharply and he looked up to her. 

"Does that feel uncomfortable?"

"Only if you stop," she muttered. 

A relieved smirk crossed his face. He felt her hands gliding across his head as he continued, softly sucking her and letting his tongue slip along her entrance. Her breathing became heavier, now and then she moaned with a deep voice. His tongue rolled around as her excitement merged with his saliva. Enjoying her warmth on his lips, he felt how he was getting hard. She tasted so good, so intense... A moan escaped his own lips while her fingers were kneading the muscles in his neck and shoulders. 

Suddenly he felt her lips pressing against his head. "This feels so good," she whispered. For a moment he stopped because his own excitement was cutting off his breath, and a little compelling she pressed his nails into his scalp. "Don't stop..."

Juice kissed every inch of her skin he had access to. With his tongue he probed her entrance, but he didn't dare to go too deep. He listened to her breathing, to her soft panting which he tried to filter through the music. And suddenly he heard another noise – footsteps. 

Before he realized that there was someone else in the room, he heard someone swear. 

"Holy cow, what the hell is this?!"

Juice jumped up and looked over his shoulder. Mila stared at him with giant eyes, filled with revulsion. His jaw dropped down, he felt Alex's moisture stick to his lips.

"Look at that, we're gettin' an audience," Alex said indifferently. "Don't tell me that will stop you,  _Juicy?_ " Her hands glided around his head and pulled him back. "I was almost there, just a little longer. She has seen you bang a croweater before anyway."

Juice felt his shoulders tense and didn't know what to do.


	41. Lost Friendship

Mila took a deep breath. Unbelievable. She didn't even recognize her friend anymore. Every time she saw Alex, they seemed to be more drifted apart. She didn't know what to do about it anymore; she had tried to talk to her, kept visiting her, called her... but ever since her so-called brothers had left prison, everything had changed; them being the only ones Alex cared about. 

She stared at the woman who was sitting on the counter top now; her legs apart, completely shameless, her hands on the shoulders of a man who clearly didn't know what to do now Mila had showed up. 

"What's this now? A brothel?" Mila asked, agitated because Alex had talked so bluntly to Juice about her not minding to watch how he would munch her. 

"A brothel?" Alex repeated, her voice hard – just like the look in her eyes. "This is my own house man. And he's my..." She didn't finish her sentence, as if she didn't want to put a label on it yet. 

"Your what? Is he your boyfriend now?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe."

Mila gritted her teeth. They used to tell each other  _everything,_ and now she hadn't even mentioned to her that Juice knew who she was? That they were doing – stuff like this? She grabbed a tea towel from the hook and tossed it over Alex's lap. She wouldn't leave before they would have had a normal conversation.

"Go home," she told Juice.

He sniffed disdainfully, clearly not intending to take whatever order from her. Usually she would have though twice before telling a biker what to do, but this time she was really angry. She had heard about the shooting, had called Alex a dozen times and in the end she'd gone to her house to make sure that she was okay. And now she was just sitting on the counter top, with a guy between her legs who was supposed to think that she was a man.

"You know, you could also be happy for me 'cause we like each other," Alex said, gliding off the counter top and starting to put on her clothes again.

"I'm first processing the shock that he knows who you are and that he hasn't told his friends about it." She wrinkled her nose. "But you clearly know what to do to keep him silent."

She saw that Juice's shoulders were tensing and his face was turning into a grimace. Normally it might have made her nervous, but she had been nervous enough for one day. She was just done with Alex's behavior;  she missed her friend and she just couldn't recognize her in this partly shaved woman with her cold stares. 

"I uh, I'm going to take a smoke," Juice muttered. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and went outside through the back door. Alex cast a longing glance to the window; it was clear she wanted to join him. 

"You should stop barge into my house if you don't wanna see things like that," Alex sighed after a while. "This is my house, Mila. Maybe it's better if you return the key." Without waiting for an response, she took two beers from the fridge. Mila shook her head. Another change. In the past Alex never drank so much alcohol. Now she shrugged, opened the beer and took a swig. "What are you doin' here?"

 _What are you doing here._ Her annoyed tone caused a pang in her stomach, but she tried to ignore it. "I'm worried about you, Lex. You're pushing me away, you're changing... You came her to deal with the loss of your brother and I can't help but think that you're also losing yourself now. You're different, Alex. You talk different, walk different, the look in your eyes is different..."

"That was the whole idea, huh?" Alex said with raised eyebrows. She sat down on the armrest of the couch. She was even sitting like a man. 

"The idea was that you would  _pretend_ to be man, not that you would  _become_ one," she muttered. "You know, I'm fine with it if you feel more relaxed this way. That's your call. But I gave up everything to help you, Lex. My house, my job, my friends... my  _life._ You were so broken, you needed this so much to keep sane... but now you're with the Sons, you no longer need me. Only to use me as your girlfriend. You got new friends – and that's fine. But I haven't, Lex. People don't like to hang out with the girlfriend of a biker. My life is on standby and you shut me out. I mean – come on, you used to tell me  _everything,_ and now you didn't even tell me about Juice."

With a sigh, Alex fell down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. "I told him last night."

"But why? I thought your mission was so important for you, and now you're taking all these risks just so you can fuck him?"  
  
"That wasn't the reason I told him."  
  
"Then what was? Why don't you tell me?" Sighing, Mila sat down next to her. "I want to become part of your life again, Lex."

"I can't explain why. It's personal."

"Personal," she huffed. "You never kept secrets from me."

Alex looked up, there was a dark glow in her eyes, giving Mila goosebumps. "I had my reasons to tell him the truth and those have more to do with him than with me. He can have his secrets. It's none of your business."

Mila dropped her eyes. Of course she had a point. She fidgeted with the nail of her pinky. "How do you picture our friendship now, Alex? Do I still fit into that new life of yours? For I don't feel that friendship anymore, it feels like you're only using me to maintain Shane's image. I want to help you, but I don't want to be used. I don't want that to be the only reason that we are 'friends'."

Alex sighed and lit a smoke. That was also an image Mila still needed to get used to, and smoking to keep up appearances was no longer the only reason she did it. Mila had never seen her smoke inside. "You're still my best friend, Mila. You and Juice. But you're right, you don't fit into the club life; you don't feel comfortable around my brothers and I can't talk to you about the things we're going through because those are club matters. That explains the distance that you're feeling: you are my old life, the club is my new life and I just don't know how to combine those two. We're in deep shit right now and I think it's even safer for you if you are  _not_ around me."  
  
Mila bent her head. "But don't you think it's time to stop with this, if it's all so dangerous? I mean – I heard about the shooting. Were you there?"

Alex pointed at her arm, there was a bandage around it. "A graze." She sighed. "I'm not going to give this up, no matter how hot things are gettin'. I'll pull through until I have my top rocker – and to be honest I wouldn't even know what my life should look like without the club. It took some time to get used to the life, but Juice helped me to fit in and finally it feels like I'm alive again. Not only Shane, but me too."

"I don't think there's still a difference between you and Shane, Alex," Mila said quietly. "It feels like you've became him." Mila stood up. "You feel like a stranger to me." She took her key ring and took off Alex's house key. "And if you believe there is no room in your life for me anymore, then I guess I have to accept that." She laid the key on the coffee table and stood up. "If Alex finds here way back in your head, just know I will be there for her."

But deep down, Mila had the feeling this change was irreversible and that she had lost her best friend. Their whole friendship centered around the club for weeks. Alex never asked her how she was feeling, if she had found her place inside Charming; the club and her 'brothers' – with who she was apparently also sleeping – were the only things occupying her world. And she was right – Mila didn't fit into that world. 


	42. Walls

The front door slammed shut. Sighing, Alex inhaled the smoke. Only now she realized how selfish she had been. Mila was right – Alex had used her, only to maintain Shane's image. Everything else had just became harder and harder. Ever since the elimination of the Russians – the first club murders she knew about – she had wanted to protect Mila from the club's true nature. But it didn't work. Keeping Croweaters away from her couldn't be Mila's only reason to visit the clubhouse. Alex didn't know how to solve that problem now, but she didn't want to keep her on a leash for that reason alone. She deserved something better than just showing up whenever Shane needed her. As soon as she got her top rocker, she would make things right with Mila. Then she wouldn't be so closely involved with the club anymore – she would be Juice's old lady at most, if that really lasted that long. Her friendship with Mila had always been strong, Alex was convinced that Mila would forgive her one day. Furthermore Mila's ties to the club only endangered her. Although she doubted that a cartel would go after a prospect's girl, it was better to keep the risks to a minimum. 

The back door opened and a few seconds later Juice sat down next to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Hey... you okay?"

His worried tone annoyed her and she turned away her upper body, so his arm slid off. "I'm fine." She stood up, walked to the kitchen and poured herself a whisky. 

Her jaws tensed as she heard his footsteps behind her. "You're not fine."

"As long as you don't find me in a forest with a chain around my neck, I'll manage."

She didn't look over her shoulder, she didn't need to see the hurt look in his eyes. It was a blow below the belt, she knew that, but right now she just needed some distance and that worried boyfriend act was annoying as hell. She already braced herself for an outburst and was stupefied when his arms slipped around her waist from behind. He pressed his lips against her neck, right above the collar of her cut. "I'm not that easy to scare away."

His grasp around her tightened and the soft touch of his lips made her shiver. Still anger flared up and she turned away from him. By reflex, she lashed out her elbow to him. Juice took the hit effortlessly and pushed down her arm. 

"Calm down." There was a stern look in his eyes, one she had never seen before. His fingers held on to her arm tight. "You don't have to put on that brave face around me." The features of his face softened a bit, but his grasp didn't weaken. "When you're with me you can drop that tough mask, Alex. You can be yourself. You have comforted me I don't even know how many times, let me do the same for you."

Alex snorted. "This is who I am. This is me."

"No. This is who you  _pretend_ to be, so nobody sees how broken you are."

She tore away her arm and stepped back. "Bullshit. Don't project your own crying jags on me, hoping that you don't feel so much of a loser. I'm not a mess like you."

"Fuck you, Alex," he answered with a grimace. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you on your period or what?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Just go home. Playtime's over."

"I'm not leaving before you tell me what's going on. One moment we're makin' out and the next you freak out."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not freakin' out. You're just gettin' on my nerves now. I told you I was fine. Just accept that."

"Of all the lies you have told me, this one is the most transparant," he huffed. "Man, in a few days you have been raped, shot, you saw that I was about to kill myself, you found severed heads and you had to expose your secret to two people.. of course you're not fine!" Breathing in sharply, he ran a hand across his head. "Just... I just wanna be there for you. You ain't weak if you let someone comfort you, if you let someone in. If anything, it requires strenght."

Alex stared at the floor. She didn't respond as he took her hands. The desire to be held by him, flowed through her body, but she fought against it. If she gave in to her emotions... she was afraid that she would break, that it would take days before she had pulled herself together again.

"Please Alex," he said quietly. "I wanna be there for you. As your friend. As your... boyfriend." His thumbs stroked across hers. 

She looked up to him, hesitating. His fragile, loving voice just forced her to lift her head. Without knowing exactly why, a lump appeared in her throat. The almost pleading look in his eyes made her shiver. 

She didn't know if she could do it – if she wanted it. Really letting someone in, opening up to someone. She didn't want to confront anyone with her pain, hell, she didn't even want to confront  _herself_ with her pain. Except for their first real conversation, she had always been the one comforting  _him_ , keeping  _him_ on the right track. She had been  _his_ tower of strength,  _his_ guardian angel. It had given her a good feeling; doing something for someone else. But allowing someone to do the same for her...

Juice let go of one hand and placed it against her jaw. He bowed forward until their foreheads were leaning against each other. He didn't say another word, leaving it to her to take the next step. But she didn't dare to, she was too afraid of what would happen if she took the lid off the jar, letting the pain out. 

Very lightly she kissed his lips, then she turned away from him. "I'm not ready yet."

The disappointment in his eyes didn't go by unnoticed. She swallowed a sigh, took the glass from the counter top and slammed it. The alcohol burnt in her throat. She leaned on the counter and stared through the window. In the reflection of the glass she could see Juice leaning against the fridge, staring at her. Searching for words. But everything was already said. By him. By her. 

 


	43. Willpower

He might have gone home if there hadn't been a shooting earlier today, or if Tara hadn't received a death threat. But with the knowledge about the danger they were in, he couldn't leave. Didn't want to leave. 

Not that he said that out loud. She would state that she wouldn't need his protection anyway, or she would call him a coward. Or both. To expel the silence he had switched on the tv. There was some comedy show on it, but the hollow laughter got on his nerves. He tried to follow the story, but the only words roaming through his head were the harsh words she had just spoken to him. Maybe they hadn't chased him away, but they had definitely hurt him. And the worst of all, was that she was probably right. Maybe he wanted her to break, wanted her to cry, just so he would feel less ashamed of all the times he had lost control over his emotions when she was around.

From the corner of his eye he looked at her. She sat on the other side of the couch, as far away as she could, it seemed. She stared forward, clearly deep in thoughts. What did she see? The things Miles had made her do? Memories about her time in the army? Was she thinking about her brother? He hated the distance. More than anything, he wanted to pull her in his arms, feel her skin against his. This morning everything had felt so good – just like this afternoon. But everything was different now and he didn't even know what had caused the change. He draped his arm across the backrest of the couch, with some kind of moronic hope that she would sat down next to him and lean against his shoulder. She didn't even notice. 

In the end he stood up with a sigh, headed outside and lit a cigarette. He actually craved for a joint, but he didn't have one. Sitting on a lawn chair he looked up, to the stars. Why had everything been so much easier when she had been Shane? They had never been in a fight. Part of him started to wish his friend had still been there. Shane would have sit next to him, he believed...

For a long time he stared forward. Then he heard a movement behind the door. Relief spread through him. Would she come to apologize? He was almost about to do it himself, but he wouldn't mean a word of it. He hadn't said a single hurtful word. 

When the door didn't open, he looked over his shoulder. She looked at him, right through the glass. She turned the key. 

Fuck – she turned the key! Shut him out! 

He jumped up, but she turned around and walked away. Arriving at the door, he slammed against the glass. She however didn't look back and disappeared in the hallway. 

"Fuck," he grunted – angry that she had shut him out without saying a single word. His keys were in his inside pocket and he could just go home, but it made him angry that she just pulled him this stunt. 

Again he knocked at the door, but she didn't come back .

* * *

Alex stared at the ceiling, wide awake. How many hours had passed? Two? Three? She regretted shutting out Juice, but she had just needed some space, without him staring at her. 

At least, that was what she'd been thinking. However, the hours she had spent on her own now, hadn't improved her mood. Imaged flashed before her eyes, images of everything Juice had summarized a few hours ago. Miles' face when he forced her to blow him. The chain in Juice's hands when he wanted to hang himself. The heads that she had found in the duffel bag. This time they weren't of strangers; Mila's head was in it, and Juice's.

Her throat felt soar. What the hell was she doing? They were deep in cartel shit – maybe Mila was right. Maybe she had indeed lost her mind. Sighing, she took her phone from the nightstand. She had a suspicion that Juice wouldn't be sleeping either. He had done nothing wrong, he had tried to help her. It felt wrong for not letting him in, especially since she'd been angry with him when he had tried to solve his problems with Roosevelt all alone. She however didn't know what to say to him, so she just sent -  _Sorry._

Right when she put away the device, it vibrated and lit up. She took it back. 

_\- Then open that fucking door man. My balls are freezin off._

A little dumbfounded Alex stared at the text. What the hell? Was he still in her yard? His last line however made her chuckle softly. This was the side of him she liked, not that overanxious shit. 

 _You like that side of him too, Alex,_ an annoying voice in her head told her.  _It just scares you._

Ignoring her thoughts, she texted back: -  _Need me to warm 'em up?_

The only thing she got in return, were three middle fingers. She grinned, left the bed and put on a bathrobe. Barefoot she walked to the living room, and from there to the door. For a moment she thought he was just pulling a prank, hoping to cause some feelings of guilt, but then she saw that he was really waiting in a lawn chair. Turning the key, she saw a glowing dot fall on the ground, which disappeared underneath his boot. 

As she swung the door open, he stood up and walked past her in silence. Alex knew she had to apologize, even though she hated that. Just dragging him to her bed room and showing him how sorry she was, however felt too immature. 

"Why didn't you go home?" she asked as she had closed the door. 

"Why would I?" His voice sounded gruff. His eyebrows formed an angry frown and his jaws were tensed – she had to admit that he looked hot when he was angry. 

"I assume you don't sleep in other people's yards all the time." She went to stood in front of him and hooked her index fingers through his belt loops. "I'm sorry. I find this just... hard."

His face softened, but she saw that uncertainty took his anger's place. "This?"

She sighed. She didn't know if this was the right moment to discuss it, but maybe she was just looking for an excuse. She laid a hand against his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "This." She pulled back her face. "I like things the way they are now. Just makin' out a bit, without things getting too complicated. But I have a feeling that you want more."

He bent his head. "You don't?" he said softly. 

She shrugged. "I don't see the point in giving it a label. I mean, there's no one we can tell anyway. And I haven't had sex in years, so you don't have to be afraid that I'll sleep around with other men." A grin crossed her lips. "Although it won't be a disaster if you want to sleep with no one but me."

"But it's more than just a label, Alex," he said as he looked up again. His arms glided around her waist. "It means we'll be making decisions together. That you won't shut me out when it pleases you. That you tell me what's on your mind. That we... are creating a future, together." His thumb caressed her cheek. His words made her freeze and he smiled a bit sadly. "But I get it; you're not ready for that. Just know – just know that I am. And if you are sure you want me, all of me, just let me know."

Alex swallowed, felt her throat tighten. She leaned with her head against his shoulder. "I want all of you, Juice. I don't want you just physically. It's just... It's just that I'm not ready to give myself completely to you. Emotionally. For you were right – I'm not okay. But I don't wanna break, not now we're in the middle of a cartel war. Not talking about what I feel is just easier. For now." She closed her eyes as she leaned into him. His grasp around her tightened and she had to admit that she felt safe in his arms. It was a long time ago that someone had held her this way. "I'm just not good with relationships. I only had one, with a guy I could just bulldoze over. But you're different, you're not afraid to disagree with me. I'm just afraid it won't work," she muttered. "That I will lose you. For – for right now you're the only one I still have, Juice."

A tear ran down her cheek.  _Fuck, there you go._ Tempered, she wiped off her cheek with her shoulder. Shakily she breathed in. It felt like her whole chest was pressing together, as if her longues were about to burst. In panic she wanted to turn away from him – despite the brokenness he had shown her, she still dreaded to be vulnerable. 

"We'll make it work," he whispered against her hair. He cupped her jaw with his hand, lifting up her head. "You're the strongest woman I've ever met, Alex. You are the only woman in the history of SAMCRO and the other charters who prospected and already after three months they all believe you're a better asset than everyone else. If you want something, you'll make sure that you get it. And if you want this, us, then I'm sure you'll find a way to make it work too."

Alex rested with her forehead against his and closed her eyes. He was right. It was just a matter of willpower. And since when did she allow the fear to stop her from doing something? 

Juice's hand slipped into hers and he gently pulled her with him to the bedroom. There he took off his clothes until he was only wearing his boxers. He quietly led her on the bed, took off her bathrobe so that she was only wearing panties and pulled her in his arms. Pressing a kiss against her forehead, he laid down on his side. Alex snuggled up to him, enjoying his warm skin against her own and listening to his heartbeat right beneath her ear. 

"Doesn't this feel nice?" he asked quietly. 

"It does," she had to admit. 

"That's why it will work between us." He pulled the blankets over their almost naked bodies and kissed her. "Lately I'm afraid of a lot of things, but this is pretty much the only thing I do have faith in."


	44. Lasting Intimacy

Her finger tip traced the outline of the skull that was tattooed on the left side of his chest. Her cheek rested upon the other one, her head rising and descending with his deep breathing. It however didn't take long before her caresses awakened him and his fingers stroked her hair. 

"Hey." His voice sounded still hoarse. "You woke up early."

"Hm-hm. How late is it?" 

"Six o'clock."

She lifted herself a little on her elbow and watched his face. Even when he was just awake, he was really good-looking. A slight smirk crept to her face. "Then we have quite some time to do something else before they'll call you again." Her attention slid back to the ink and this time she traced it with her lips, followed by her tongue. 

"I'm not much of a morning person but this surely helps," he muttered. His fingers drew lines across her sides, but she felt that he wasn't in the same mood as the morning before. It wasn't hard to figure out why; she had said some really hurtful things to him yesterday. She knew she had a sharp tongue and usually she didn't care so much about the influence her words had on other people, but this guy had wanted to kill himself just two days ago and even now he knew that Miles had deserved the bullet, she knew he still considered himself as a failure. Yeah, she had definitely some making up to do. Slowly her lips wandered further down, across his abs until she reached his boxers. First, her hand glided across the thin fabric and satisfied she concluded that he was already hard. Right when she wanted to take off his boxers, he sat up straight. 

"Alex..."

She looked up, read the doubt in his eyes. A little confused she looked at him – why wouldn't he want this? "Yeah...?"

"Do you feel guilty about last night?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm certainly not proud of it."

He pulled up his knees so she shoved closer to his waist. His arms glided around her and a moment later he lifted her up and rolled her on her back. Leaning over her, he looked into her eyes. "I don't want you to blow me just because you feel guilty. After the shit with Miles, it can't be easy for you."

"The sooner I get over it, the better," she muttered. 

"Give it some time." He kissed her below her ear. "Plus, it's my turn." His lips glided down across her neck, his hands folding around her breasts as he started kneading them. "Couldn't finish it yesterday huh."

His thumbs were pressing against her hard nipples. As excitement expelled the tiredness completely, she bit her lip. She raised herself on her elbows so she had a better sight at his face as his lips closed around her nipple and started to suck. He had closed his eyes and the site of it gave her an even intenser feeling. Her fingers trailed up and down his neck as she watched him. 

A moan escaped her lips as he sucked harder and right when the pain was about to prevail, he switched to her other breast. 

"You're so hot, Juice," she whispered. "Watchin' you right now is makin' me so wet."

He opened his eyes. Suddenly there was so much lust in them that the muscles in her lower regions tensed. It made her tingle with heat. Her hands glided to his boxers, toying with the waistband. "I want you inside me. Man, I really want you inside me."

With a grunt he let go of her nipple and started to kiss her passionately, his hand closing around her breast while pressing his waist against hers. "Stop talkin' girl," he said on a low voice. "That dark tone of yours is drivin' me crazy."

She buried her nails in his shoulders and he grunted against her lips. She moved her hips along his, felt his hardness caressing her softness right through their underwear. Fuck, this felt so good... 

"I'm not teasin' you," she answered. "Fuck the pain, I can handle it. I just want you. Right now. Fuck me." She bit his lip. "Just do it, Juice. I want you inside me." Her hand glided across his cheek and she kept his glance. 

She felt his hesitation, read it in his eyes as he looked at her. He didn't want it, he was too afraid to hurt her. It frustrated her – she could handle some pain. She was even convinced she would enjoy it right now. 

"I don't want to, not yet. Sorry." A blush spread across his cheeks. "The fear to hurt you would be the only thing on my mind. I – I want to enjoy it too. Our first time."

Alex smiled a bit sadly. Of course he was right. This wasn't just about her and once more she was surprised by his tenderness. Those worries about her – it was annoying – but it was just who he was. It wasn't just lust flowing through his veins; she wasn't a croweater he was lying with. He didn't want her for sex alone, he wanted a different kind of intimacy, a lasting intimacy. Something of which she didn't know if she wanted it too. 

His lips traveled across her neck until he reached her ear and whispered: "But you're gonna enjoy this too, trust me." 

She caught a glimpse of a confident grin, one that made her fizzing on the inside. Then his journey across her body started, leaving kisses everywhere. Across her neck, her shoulders, her breasts, the ink on her arms, her stomach. He skipped the area around her hips; only reaching that when he started to dot kisses from her ankle upwards, across the inside of her knee and thigh, until she was almost bursting with impatience. 

With a dry mouth she spread her legs for him and she let out a delighted sigh as his tongue started to play with her. His fingertips ran across her entrance, causing a sweet pain. With half open eyes she watched him; the way he bent his neck and the early sunlight that fell upon the tattoos and his scalp where he had shaven off his hair. With little gasps her breathing left her mouth as his tongue swirled around her and right when she was almost about to beg him to suck her, he already started to do so. 

He knew exactly what he was doing, how to touch her and how long. Tension built up in her stomach, making her back arch. Her fingers were clawing in her pillow while he evoked deeper and deeper moans and at the moment she thought she would burst, he dotted kisses upwards, across her pubis, her stomach, her breasts, until his face was close to hers again. With his finger he softly tapped her oversensitive clit while his tongue slipped along the ring in her lip before she allowed him inside her mouth. 

The feelings that were overpowering her were too intense to kiss him back and when he realized it, he put more pressure on his finger, stimulating her while looking deep into her eyes. The excitement made him pant, his heated breathing stroking her skin. 

"You're so beautiful Alex," he whispered. "You're so fucking hot and I'm sure you look even hotter when you come. In like... two seconds."

Alex wanted to say something, her lips were moving, but the only thing that passed her lips was a deep moan. Her body trembled as she neared her climax and she felt how she was losing control of her body as tingling waves rolled over her. She had wanted to look him in the eye, but her orgasm was so intense that she had to bent back her head and close her eyes. 

Speechless, she kept lying next to him for a while. Juice said nothing, but snuggled up to her. Her clammy skin sticking against his. She turned on her side and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. He looked at her, a sweet smile around his lips. His hand moved to her side and followed the curvature of her body. 

"You're already such a better lover than my ex was."

The sweet smile turned into a contended grin and she chuckled softly as she noticed how much her words had stroked his ego. 

"He only tried to satisfy me orally once," she told him. "But he didn't feel comfortable, I guess. He wasn't really into trying new things."

"And you were?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "I never paid much attention to it. We had a good time together, but there never was... a passion like this. I always thought it just wasn't really for me; I never cared much about romance and sex." Her fingers caressed his chest, she could feel his heart beat below her finger tips. "But that was before I went to the military, before I started to prospect at a motorclub. It was before I was confronted with the finality of life every day, which makes me feel alive." She stretched her neck and brushed his lips without kissing him. "And it was before I met you."

With the snap of a finger she suddenly felt fragile. Again there was this instinct to turn away, to get away from him. She however fought against it and snuggled closer to him while he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her auricle.

She looked up to him and for a moment they just stared into each other eyes.

"Alex, I... I think I l..." She heard the hesitation in his voice, without looking away from his eyes she knew that his cheeks were turning red. Quickly he dropped his eyes. "Uh, I eh, I'm glad you let me in tonight."

Alex smiled lightly, knowing he had been on the verge of saying something else and she was glad that he hadn't. Hearing those words would only increase that instinct of her to create distance between them. "Me too, Juice." She kissed his chest. "I still can't believe you didn't leave. Goof."

He chuckled softly. "Yeah, that ain't gonna be a habit." He squeezed her hip. "But you know now what you'll miss the next morning."

She gave him a weak smile. Part of her wanted to tell him that she regretted what she had said to him yesterday, but she didn't. He would ask if she'd meant it and right then, on that moment, she had meant it. It had been wrong to say those things out loud – but it didn't make the bitter truth about some of them less true. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know there have been some slow chapters where I focused on their relationship, soon the club life will be more involved. But I needed a bit of a basis before things go down with the cartel. Hope you're still enjoying the story!


	45. Love Lessons and Loyalty

Alex sat slumped down in a bucket seat of the hospital. They had sent her to guard Tara and she wasn't too glad about it. Not only because she got a bitter taste in her mouth when she thought back to their last conversation – and to her angry thoughts concerning the woman since she had let Kip sacrifice himself to save  _her_ child – but also because Tara wasn't the only one working in St. Thomas. Mila worked there as well, on the pediatrics that was close to the NICU. 

Obviously, Alex wasn't in the mood to see her. Their fight was bothering her. She tried to push her feelings away, like she shoved everything to the side that she didn't like, but she knew she couldn't ignore it when she truly looked her friend in the eye. Not that there was anything left to say. She had made her choice – they both did and Alex knew it was the right thing to do. At least as long as the club was under attack. The problem however was that the danger wasn't the main reason why Mila had left; that was because she believed that Alex had changed and that she was shutting her out. 

Which was true. It wasn't because of Miles alone. It was because of Shane. Mila was right; he was no longer a role that she was playing. These days she didn't need to pay attention to what to say, how to walk, how to talk. She had adapted to the club life; she was no longer just a former military, she was also an outlaw. A criminal. She was wearing a Beretta on her hip and she knew she would shoot when Lobo Sonora showed up to take out the doctor. 

Her phone broke the depressing hospital silence. Unrest was gnawing at her immediately; they probably would only call her if there was something going on. Had there been another shooting at the clubhouse? Her stomach cramped. Chibs had sent Juice to the clubhouse to install new surveillance cameras. She doubted there were many others around, so he would be an easy target. 

She opened the burner. A relieved sigh escaped her lips as she saw Kozik's name.

"Hey Koz," she said, pressing the device against her ear. As discretely as she could, she swallowed the nervousness. 

"Hey kid. How you doin'? It's about time I'm checkin' in with you; heard there were a couple of rough days."

Alex smiled lightly. His tone told her that it bothered him that he hadn't reached out to her before. She didn't mind; he clearly believed she could take of her herself. 

"Yeah, we've gone through some serious shit man. But I'm sure someone has already told you, so I won't repeat it."

There was no soft chuckle, like he usually did. "Are you okay with it? You know – with how they treated you to find the guilty one?"

Alex didn't answer immediately. "I haven't thought too much about it. Just did what I had to do."

Kozik sighed. "As your sponsor I should have been there so you could spit out your frustrations. Sorry kid."

"Nah, I'm fine man. The rat is dead, like it's supposed to be."

"Hap was impressed by you. By how you dealt with that shit. You did good, kid. I'm proud of ya."

Alex's lips curled up. Happy had already told her that he was satisfied with how she had handled the situation, but she was surprised that he had shared it with someone else. She leaned back in her chair. Because of everything that had happened she had barely thought about her sponsor, but she realized now that she was looking forward to his return. 

"Thanks." A silence fell. "How's it goin' over there? How're you? Can't be easy, being so far away while shit's going down here..."

"Nah, you'll manage without me." She could see him wink. "But I'm bored to death. There's a skate park close by and it's makin' me fuckin' nostalgic. As soon as I'm back, you have to teach me some tricks."

Alex smirked. "Aren't you too old for things like that? You know, fragile bones and stuff like that?"

"Watch your tongue, kid."

 "Yes, boss. My humble apologies."

"Yeah yeah. So what about that secret lover of yours? Did your girl forgive you completely for that little affair with Juicy?"

"Trying to hit a nerve now, huh?" she asked with a grin. The smirk faded  however and she sighed softly. Should she tell him about Mila? She actually wanted to keep their break-up secret a little longer, but it would take some days before he was back in Charming anyway. And somehow – somehow she liked the thought of sharing her thoughts with someone. Not with Juice – he didn't like her pretending to be with someone else anyway, and Chibs gave her the impression that he was already planning Juice's and Shane's wedding. "Actually eh, actually it could have been much better. We had a fight yesterday and well, we have a break now."

"No way! Not because of..."

"No. If anything, she was relieved it was a drunken brother who kissed me instead of a croweater. But the whole cartel shit, and the shit with Miles... I can't talk about it with her and eh, well, that might work for some couples but not for us."

"Aah, that's too bad. Maybe you should give her some time to get used to the club life. It took Tara some years too, you know..."

Alex bowed forward, leaning with her elbows on her knees. "Tara got a death threat. Especially now I want her far away from the club. It's safer for her."

"Did you explain that to her? That her safety is the reason you want a break?"

Alex closed her eyes for a moment. She couldn't translate the situation of Shane to that of Alex directly. Their problems were much more complicated than Mila's safety alone. "Half. I couldn't explain to her how serious the threat is. I think she'll get on a plane as soon as she hears the word 'cartel'."

Kozik was silent for a while. "Aren't you underestimating her? I've seen plenty of Old Ladies come and go. Don't underestimate the power of love, some are loyal like hell."

Alex lifted the corner of her mouth. "You ever had a chick like that?"

He chuckled. "Damn, I fel like a hypocrite now." He was silent for a while. "My thoughts followed the same path as yours. We were in the middle of a gang war and I wanted her as far away from Tacoma as she could, even though she didn't want it. I made the decision for her and she was so angry she never wanted me back."

"You regret it?" Alex asked, biting her knuckle. 

There was a silence again. She had the feeling he hadn't talked often about it. Maybe the guys didn't ask questions like that, unless when they were your sponsor. She couldn't imagine Miles of one of the other prospects having this conversation, but she just loved good talks and there weren't enough of them within the club.

"Sometimes," he admitted. "I don't know what would have hurt her more; all the violence or the fact that I took away her choice. It's what an Old Lady is supposed to do; doing what her is told. But still..." He sighed.

Alex rolled her eyes. In that respect those men were still a bunch of cavemen. The only thing that Juice would get from her when he gave her an order, was a punch in the face. But then again; she was no Old Lady. She was a Son, or she was at least trying to become one. Hopefully he agreed with her, otherwise they would be done very quickly. 

"I'm not gonna order Mila around like she's a dog," she said in the end. "If I want a dog, I'll buy one."

Kozik chuckled. "Okay kid. Whatever you want. Anyway, if you find it so important that she has her own opinion, you should ask for it, huh? Let her decide if she wants to take the risk of staying with you."

Alex snorted. "We're twenty years old. She might be dead next week while there's a big chance we wouldn't have stayed years together anyway."

"Still a choice she can make herself, right?"

She was silent for a while.  _He's got a point._

If she really would have been in a relationship with Mila. If that really had been their only problem. 

"Your call, kid. But if I regret it? Yeah, I do. Just consider it as a lesson from this wise man."

Alex smirked. "Love lessons from Kozik. Never thought that would be part of the prospect package too."

"Only words of wisdom, kid. For other kinds of love lessons you should go visit Juice. He got it bad, huh?"

Alex squeezed the bridge of her nose. For real – why did even  _he_ know about that? "Why?" she asked innocently. 

"Been around that guy for days, right after your Halloween party. Every time someone puckered his lips, he was turning flaming red."

"Maybe that will happen to you too after you've kissed a man."

"Something we will never know." He laughed. "Hey kid, I gotta go. Will be back in a couple of days, then we'll grab a pizza, okay?"

"Yes boss." She smiled. "Thanks for the call. I'm starting to miss ya."

"Yeah, already thought so." There was no doubt that he was grinning. "Take care, Shane."

"You too. Stay away from that skate park; if you break a leg I won't be able to learn you anything."

"Asshole." Chuckling, he ended the call. 

* * *

A little more than an hour after Kozik's call, the door of Tara's room opened and the doctor gestured her to come in. When Alex had sat down here this morning, they had just greeted each other briefly; Tara had been in a briefing and she knew what Alex was doing here anyway.

"How are you?" Tara asked when Alex stepped into the office. Alex had crossed her arms and looked suspiciously at the doctor. 

"I'm fine."

"Are you still in pain?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's getting better."

The woman smiled. She looked a little insecure, as if her questions were just formalities. Alex's glance became harder; she wasn't here to chitchat – she had to guard her and right now her back was turned toward the hallway. 

It didn't take long before Tara realized that Alex was getting impatient. "I – eh, I would like to give you something. In case something happens to me..."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Why the hell would you give it to me, instead of someone else?"

"It's complicated."

"You're engaged to the VP. Your father-in-law is the Pres. Why the hell would you trust a prospect?"

"I have my reasons. All I ask from you, is that you keep it safe and give it to Piney if something happens to me. I – I trust you, Alex."

"You shouldn't. I got no loyalty towards you and whatever it is – I won't do anything behind Clay's back."

Tara let out a cynical laugh. "You won't do anything behind Clay's back? Then why haven't you told him who you are?"

"You know why. I will tell 'em, eventually." Her eyes held Tara's glance. "You think you can pressure me?"

"You also expect me to keep a secret from Jax..."

Alex gritted her teeth. "I won't let you blackmail me. You know why I'm doing this and if you really have a shred of respect for Kip you let me do my thing. If not, you should tell Jax."

Tara sighed. Looking a bit guilty, she turned her head away. "I didn't want to blackmail you. I – you just seemed a trustworthy person. I just don't know what to do anymore."

Alex stared at her for a while. She saw that the woman was desperate, but she also felt that it was better to stay out of this. 

"So you want me to give something to Piney if the cartel gets their hands on you?" she asked.

"The cartel... or someone else," the woman muttered. She opened a drawer and took out a paper bag that was filled with papers. Her eyes widened as she flipped through it. "Shit... Oh shit..." Her hand was shaking as she raked it through her hair. 

Alex felt a tightness in her chest. She regretted that she had trusted the woman. It had been an impulsive move; she should have observed her a little longer. Now she appeared to have secrets too and was considering her as a possible ally. She'd got her hands full with Juice's secrets and he was her friend. Tara was just... an acquaintance. Who she didn't even like. Without thinking about it she had wanted to risk a lot for Juice, but Tara... None of this felt right.

"I gotta go back to the hallway," she said to the woman and she turned around. 

As soon as the door closed behind her, she wondered if she had made the right decision. 

This wasn't over yet – and it remained to be seen if she would give up so quickly the next time she was in trouble.

 


	46. Coming Out of the Closet

Alex frowned as she parked her bike next to the door and saw that the light was on inside her house. For a moment she thought that Mila had let herself in, then she remembered her friend had returned the key. She pulled her Beretta out of her waistband and quietly opened the door. Two days ago Lobos Sonora had tried to kidnap Tara, which would have succeeded if Jax hadn't been around. Since then Alex was even more alert than before, although it was hard to imagine that they were just chilling in her living room with the lights on. 

 _But you never know..._ Men who were brutal enough to drop a bag with severed heads at the compound of motorgang wouldn't be scared of a prospect like her. Of course there was also a possibility that she had forgotten to turn off the light, but she wasn't the type of person easily forgetting things like that. She left the door on a crack. The gun wasn't trembling in her hands, but there was a knot in her stomach. As she slipped closer to the doorway to the living room, the scent of spicy meat drifted towards her. 

That a cartel could be waiting for her was one thing, but that they were  _cooking_ was a little far-fetched. She however took no risks and pushed open the door with her shoulder. Her eyes shot through the room; there was no one. 

No cartel at least. 

Just an idiot cooking in her kitchen – and she could think of only one person who would do that. She walked towards the kitchen and leaned against the doorway while she watched Juice being busy. 

"What the fuck are you doin' here?" she asked. 

Startled, he turned around, his eyes were drawn to the gun immediately. 

"You got a death wish?"

The question hung in the air, making the atmosphere awkwardly.  _Well done, Alex. What a brilliant idea to say something like that to a guy who wanted to hang himself only a week ago._

"Sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean it like that." She put her gun on the counter top and looked at him. 

"I dunno, I guess I wanted to surprise you," he muttered, the expression on his face suddenly insecure. "You had a long day and I was done early. I just wanted be a good... friend."

"Friend or boyfriend?" she asked with a smirk. 

With a blush on his cheeks he shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you want me to be," he muttered. 

A few days had passed since they had discussed the topic and even though he wasn't pushing for anything, there were just these little things showing her that he longed for a bit more certainty, even when they couldn't tell anyone. Since he knew who she was, they hadn't slept alone for a single night and Alex had to admit that she didn't know very well what she was waiting for.

"What I want you to be?" she asked, slipping her arms around him. "I want you to be mine." She had feelings for him, he clearly had a crush on her too and there was already enough drama in their lives to make a big deal about some kind of label. If it eased his mind if he could mentally call her his girlfriend, she got nothing against it. 

Juice held her glance. "I'm already yours."

"Not completely," she grinned, pulling him closer. "Tonight I want all of you." Her lips touched his ear. "Deep inside me."

He breathed in sharply. His hands glided inside her back pockets and he pulled her waist against his. "You sure?" he asked quietly. 

"Uhu. Doesn't hurt anymore." She pressed a few kisses against his bottom lip, but as his tongue slipped along her lip, she pulled back her face. "And if your skills please me, there might be a chance that you can call me your girl after that." She winked. "To all your non-biker friends."

"There are exactly zero of these friends."

She shrugged. "Guess it's time for new friends then."

He stuck out his tongue. She pushed him towards the cooker; one of the pans was smoking. 

"How did you get in by the way?" she asked, taking two beers from the fridge and popping off the caps. 

"Uh, I kinda broke in." He showed her a crooked smile, but the way his hand ran across his mohawk, told her that he feared her reaction. "I'm gonna put another lock on it; every dumb ass can get into this house."

"I hope you didn't hide some cameras, like the last dumb ass who broke into my house?"

"I thought about it. You wanted to make a porn, you told me." He put out the fire. "But I was afraid my face would end up on a hot plate."

"Nah, that would be too hard to explain to the others." She winked. "I think I would've gone for a more hidden part of your body."

He pulled a face. "Was actually counting on other hot things with that."

Chuckling, she took two plates out of the cabinet and let Juice fill them. She gathered some silverware from the drawer and took it to the table, together with the two beers. 

"Did you discover something about those two men who pulled Tara into the van?" she asked as they were sitting at the table. 

Juice shook his head. "Nope, was a dead end." He sighed. "Did you visit her?" 

"No, had to stay with Lyla until Ope came home." Alex had found it a good excuse; after their last conversation she wanted to stay away from Tara, no matter how horrible it was that her hand was crushed when the door of the van had slammed against it. Her words that she might have been a target by someone else than the cartel, kept racing through Alex's head. She hadn't told Juice about the conversation; the less people knew about it, the better.

"They say she might never be able to do surgeries again," he sighed. 

Alex shoved a spoon of food into her mouth. "That sucks." She studied his face. "You're more worried about me now?"

He shook his head. "Nah, you even threaten to kill your cook."

She smirked briefly, glad he didn't surrender to his worries – for she knew the shit with the cartel was probably the most important reason why they hadn't slept alone the past days. There was however no point in worrying about it; they couldn't change much about it anyway. "Glad I didn't." She gave him a thumbs up. "For it tastes fuckin' good man."

* * *

"Have you spoken to Mila again?" Juice asked as Alex put the dishes into the dishwasher. 

"No. But apart from Kozik I didn't tell anyone we broke up anyway."

"Kozik?" he asked surprised. 

"Yeah, he called me a few days ago. He's my sponsor, huh, one of the things he asked was if Mila was still angry and then I decided to tell him that we are having a break. He gave me some love advice, but for the practical love lessons he send me to you."

"Nobody's ever gonna forget about that kiss, right?" he asked, letting out a grunt.

"Not if you keep lookin' at me like you want to rip my clothes off, no."

"Maybe we should come out of the closet, then we don't have to hide our relationship either."

"Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do that."

"Why not?" Juice asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I'm fucked anyway, nobody's gonna believe I didn't know that you were a girl. Pretending to be gay isn't exactly a hobby of mine, but I  guess everyone thinks I like to suck dicks now anyway. And you won't need Mila anymore to keep the croweaters away."

"I don't want anyone to think I'm blowing my way into the club."

"Nobody will think that, Alex."

"Oh, I'm sure those whispers will come. I already feel an enormous distance between the other prospects and me. I have to do this alone, okay? And if we go public, you'll only see me as Alex, increasing the chance that you will slip up. If someone suspects that there's something going on between us we can't do much about it, but I'm not planning on showing everyone. Maybe someone will notice that I look kinda girly when we're making out in public; or you might just touch me in a not so gay-ish way."

"Yeah okay, you got a point." Sighing, he ran a hand across his head. "I dunno, I just want... I dunno, show you around or something. As my girl. And I get it; I know we can't do that," he muttered. "But it sucks."

Alex looked briefly at him. She had already seen this coming; having an old lady always filled the guys with pride. "We don't have to hide forever. Just for nine months, if everything goes well."

"Hmm. After these nine months it remains to be seen what will happen to us," he sighed. "Maybe I get a Mayhem vote for not telling them that you are a girl."

"Nah, they won't. You did it to honor your fallen brother, or something like that. They will be pissed, but I don't believe that they will all agree with a Mayhem vote. They'll throw us out, at most," she admitted. "But if they do, we will just start our own MC." She gave him a wink. "Whatever happens; you won't be alone, Juice."

He smiled lightly, but she saw that he was worrying about the future. 

She took his hand. "A lot can happen in nine months, Juice. By then I might have wrapped all of them around my finger." She smirked, moving her eyebrows up and down. "But I think my charms need some practice. In the bedroom."


	47. Playtime

Juice had believed that he had been quite skilled in unclothing women the past years, but when he had taken off Alex's cut and shirt, he didn't really know what to do with the tight chest binder. 

"Just pull it off," she chuckled. "Don't be so gentle, my tits hurt all day long anyway."

Little by little he peeled off the piece of clothe, until she pulled it over her head. Her skin was clearly irritated and there were even some red welts here and there. Very carefully his thumb brushed the red skin while he kept looking at her face. Of course she didn't flinch nor showed her pain in another way; if she could play Russian Roulette without blinking an eye she wouldn't complain about a sensitive skin. He leaned into her to kiss her and at the same time he unbuttoned her jeans. His own pants slid down as well and he deepened the kiss as her fingers stroked the bulge in his boxers. 

Juice wasn't in a hurry. He wanted to take the time for this and pulled her on the bed without breaking the kiss. The longer the way to a climax would take, the more intense it would feel for her, even though she wasn't exactly the most patient person on earth. His hand glided across her neck as he pulled her on top of him, enjoying the feel of her naked skin pressing against his. He wanted to rake a hand through her hair and realized he couldn't. He still had to get used to making love with a girl who barely had more hair than he, although he loved kissing her neck and at least her hair wasn't blocking access. 

When they were both getting out of breath because of the intense kiss, he rolled over so he was on top. With his elbow he leaned on the mattress as he watched her face. Her tongue glided across the ring in her lip and in a whim he bent his head and sucked the piece of metal. 

"You really like that piercing, huh?" she chuckled. Her hands glided up across his back, along his neck to his head, where her index fingers followed the lines of his tattoos. 

"It's making the kisses even better," he admitted. 

"I think I want another one."

Surprised he raised his eyebrows. "Where?"

"Take a guess."

He pressed a kiss to her septum. "Would look hot here." He moved his lips to her left eyebrow. "Or here."

"Hmm. You have to seek it a little lower."

He lowered his face until he reached her lips again. In no time he found her tongue again, but when she shook her head laughing, he pressed a kiss to her chin. 

"You don't want such a weird one in your cheek, right?" he asked as her chin didn't seem to be the spot either. 

"Nah, lower."

His lips descended further down, to her neck, her breasts. As soon as they found her nipple, he forgot about the piercing and started to suck. 

 "Yeah, right there," she said, toying with the waistband of his boxers. 

He looked up a little dazed. "A nipple ring?" 

"Yeah. As soon as I can get rid off that stupid chest binder. Unless you'd really hate it."

He lifted the corner of his mouth. "I think it's fucking hot." With his thumbs he pressed against her nipples while he kissed his way up again. "And I think you know that damn well."

Her smirk confirmed his suspicions. "Gotta do something to make sure you won't get bored with me huh?"

"Believe me, there's really no reason to be afraid of that," he muttered, kissing her again. He didn't know what it was about her, but Alex possessed a whole different level of sexiness than any other woman he knew. Her breasts were small, she wasn't overly curved and she was even a bit too skinny for his liking, but he couldn't get her out of his head. What he felt for her was something new, something he didn't know well what to do with it, making him feel clumsy now and then. 

Suddenly she flipped him on his back, crawling on top of him with a mischievous smirk. "Where did your mind go?"

Heat spread across his face, but he decided to be honest. "I just realized how hard I've fallen for you and that it feels kinda awkward and that I don't really know what to do with it."

"Lemme show you what to do with it." She wiggled her eyebrows and started to kiss his chest, and from there lower and lower until she reached his boxers. 

A pang of desire shot through him as she pulled down his boxers and her lips started to explore the skin of his pubic region, her fingers stroking his balls, his penis. 

Closing his eyes, he muttered: "Oh, this feels so good."

"It kinda does. Your skin is soft like that of a baby."

Juice felt his cheeks flush by embarrassment. Well, that didn't sound very hot. He raised himself a little on his elbows as he watched her placing kisses along his groins and pubic bone. "You think it's gay?"

She looked up, frowning. "Huh?"

"That I shave myself. Your brother found it gay."

"My little brother found it gay that you're shaving your pubic hair? Right... I don't wanna know how you found that out."

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "He was making comments about my hair and the next thing he asked was if I was also shaving the stuff down there."

"Yeah, sounds like my brother." She sat up straight, halfway his thighs. With her index finger she slowly and very lightly drew spirals along his member, from its beginning to the tip, without taking her eyes off his. "How about not talking about my dead brother when we're having sex?"

"Sorry," he said with an apologetic smirk. "So... you think it's gay or not?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Not specifically." She chuckled. "But how about a mohawk, somewhere here?" She put her finger underneath his navel and pulled it down until his penis. 

"Let me guess; with a tattoo on each side?"

"Hm-hm. You know I love ink." With her tongue she drew a zigzagging pattern across his skin.

His breathing increased as she neared his erection. The nerves were piling up; although he could barely wait until she took him inside her mouth, he also feared the memories it could trigger. 

A bit nervous he held his breath as she laid her hand around him, pulling back the skin a little until the tip was exposed. Then she bent her head and started to suck him. Her tongue danced around him and his breathing became heavier as she took more and more of him inside her mouth. The ring that glided across his skin made him even more aware of every movement of her lips. 

"Fuck," he panted after a while, trying to turn away from her. "Stop... I don't wanna be done yet."

With a devilish grin she crawled on top of him again. "You taste so fucking good," she whispered in his ear. "It's that I'm expecting more from tonight, otherwise I'd wanted all of it." She licked her lips. 

Juice had already the feeling that she had gone on too long and that her dirty talk alone could be enough to pull him over the edge. In an attempt to distract himself from the tension between his legs, he started to kiss her neck. She gasped for breath as he found that one spot that was always provoking an intense reaction as he sucked it, while his hands folded around her breasts and started to knead them. Her hands glided across his chest, to her own hips and she pulled down her boxers so that they were lying naked on top of each other. Her lips wandered across his neck, her fingers clenched around his wrists that she pressed into the pillows next to his head. 

"Wanna do a showdown?" she asked in a hot voice, pressing kisses underneath his ear. "Let's see if you can free yourself. Maybe you'll get a very... delicious reward." Smirking, she sucked his lip. 

"What makes you think I wanna free myself?" he answered, his throat feeling dry. 

"Because if you don't, this is all you'll get," she whispered, tightening her grip around his wrists. She lifted her upper body so that only her nipples were still touching his skin. 

The lust beaming in her eyes made it almost impossible to think. She had pressed her knees against his sides, but she was sitting too far up his stomach for him to penetrate her. He tried to pull away his wrists, tried to free himself, but she was really strong and part of him found this so hot that he didn't  _really_ want to get out from under her. 

* * *

His teeth were pressing down his lip as he struggled to pull loose, but she was leaning with her full weight on his wrists. When he realized that, he lifted his knee and pushed against her side, so she lost her balance. With a quick movement he threw her on her back, grabbing her hands and pushing them against the mattress above her head. A smirk adorned his face.

"Well, show me how strong you are,  _Shane?"_

Teasingly, she bit his lip. "Yeah, you rather want me to be Shane?"

"You told me you were just Shane with tits, huh."

"Want me to put on my cut too?"

He looked pensively at her. "You look hot in it."

"You too," she admitted. 

"You better break free then."

Alex tugged her wrists, she really tried to free herself, but he had a broader built than she and he was much stronger. That he was leaving a collection of hickies in her neck and that his erection was pressing against her entrance, wasn't helping either. She however didn't give up; they kept wrestling around, kissing and trying to get on top of the other until they suddenly fell out of bed. 

As expected, Juice switched on his  _concern mode_ immediately. "Fuck, I'm sorry." He climbed off her. "Did I hurt you?"

"You wanna play nurse if you did?" she asked with a grin, sitting up straight and rubbing her aching back. 

Juice saw that she would survive the fall and nodded with a wolfish grin. "Please lay down, ma'me, I will thoroughly investigate you"

Chuckling, Alex crawled on the bed again, holding out her foot. "Think my toes need an inspection." She stuck out her tongue. 

He grabbed her ankle, kissed her toes and even sucked her big toe. Laughing because it tickled, she pulled back her foot.

"You're such a weirdo. Congratz, you're the first one sucking my toe."

Indifferently he shrugged his shoulders. "I want you from top to toe." From her feet he started to kiss his way upwards and Alex closed her eyes and relaxed, focusing on the movement of his lips. 

She had fantasized a lot about their first time – she had thought that it would be wild and passionate, or very gentle because he was afraid to hurt her, but she really enjoyed the unpredictability, the playfulness, the fact that it took much more time than expected and that they were laughing all the time. 

As she opened her eyes again, she looked right into Juice's eyes. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, the fingers of his other hand played with her a little lower and made her ready for what she wanted since she had caught his first smile.

The intense look in his eyes made her blush a bit, to her own surprise. She laid a hand against his cheek and breathed against his lips. She wanted to say something, wanted to share a bit of the heavy feelings he was causing, but right at that moment he shoved three fingers inside her, exploring her walls. Tilting back her head, she let out a deep moan. His tongue slipped into her mouth and he kissed her slowly but deeply. 

His fingers glided deeper and pulled back again. For a moment there was a torturing nothing, then something bigger glided inside her. She searched for his eyes again; he looked tensed.

"Are you nervous?" she asked a little surprised. 

A blush appeared on his cheeks. "It's been years since I did it with someone I am falling in love with," he muttered. "It's... different than just a fuck. And I'm still..." He trailed off, but Alex could effortlessly finish his sentence. He was still afraid to hurt her, to trigger memories about Miles. 

"This feels amazing, Juice, even better than in my fantasies."

His lips found hers again, she could taste his gratefulness. The past days his self-confidence seemed to be bruised in every thinkable way – even in bed. She pulled up her legs a little, inviting him to slide deeper inside her and kissed him back. She moved her hips in a way responding to his pace, that was getting heavier and heavier. It wasn't an automatic rhythm with which he trusted inside her; now and then he turned subtly until he had found the spot that evoked her deepest moans. His hand glided to the back of her head, he retreated from her mouth and looked at her. The thumb of his other hand was stroking her lip, caressing the ring until she folded her lips around his thumb and started to suck, a little harder every time he hit the right spot. 

Tension gathered in her lower abdomen. Her fingers glided across his back, up and down, more and more compelling. She could no longer lay still; her body started to jolt and her breathing became heavier. Not only she was close to her release; she heard how his moans got deeper, saw how sweat was piling up on his forehead.

Still she came first. She clung onto him, her legs were shaking and she pushed herself even closer to him. Right after that – as if he had restrained himself until she was done – he buried his face against her shoulder and lost control. 

"Oh Alex," he whispered, his voice cut off by a deep moan. "Oh, this was so intense, it felt so fucking good."

Alex wrapped her arms around him and kissed his jaw. "Think that's an understatement."

His lips were trembling as he kissed her, still out of breath. For a while they looked at each other in silence, both caught in euphoria. His eyes told her that he wanted to say something, but that he didn't trust his voice. 

She caressed his cheek. "Well, there was no need to feel nervous," she winked. "This might have been my best experience up to now. I never... came like this. Only by a hand job."

"That ex of yours really sounds like a nightmare," he muttered. 

She chuckled softly. "I was his first – and he was mine. He just wasn't that experienced, we both weren't."

Juice laid down next to her, with one arm pulling her close. "How long were you in a relationship?"

"For three years."

His eyes widened. "You were three years together and he never knew how to satisfy you properly?!"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I never knew what I missed up to now."

"And since him you never...?"

"Nope. You're my second." She winked. "And you set the bar high for the next one."

"How about no next one?" he muttered. He took her hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckle. 

She smiled. "You've been with so many women, do you really think you can limit yourself to one?"

"I do." He looked up. "Even when you were Shane, you were the only one on my mind."

She tapped his nose. "How cute. When was the last time you've been in love?"

"When I was a prospect, I think, about eight years ago. She was a Croweater. I thought she was in love with me too, but it didn't take long before I learned that I was at the bottom of the social ladder. As soon as she got the chance to fuck one of my brothers, she did it."

"Aww." She pouted her lips. 

He smirked. "Yeah, it was a harsh lesson. Since then I decided to stick to prospects." He made a face and ran his fingers across her breast. "And what about you? Have you been in love since you're ex?"

"You really don't wanna know." She chuckled. "After Oliver there was this one guy that I was desperately in love with, a guy from the army. But he was already in a relationship. Eventually he became my best friend, I guess that was better for the both of us."

Juice kept her glance for a while. "He was your best friend? What happened to him?"

She sighed deeply. "After I fucked things up, after I killed Lara... I didn't want to see any of my former friends. I wanted to break with... that family. I felt too ashamed."

"You just walked out on them?"

"Yeah. They're on the other side of the world for most of the time anyway. Jaeden tried to reach out, but I pushed him and all the others away."

"Like you pushed Mila away?"

Alex bent her head. Yep, there was obviously a pattern in her behavior. 

He laid a hand against her cheek and lifted her face. "I won't let you push me away, Alex."

She smiled slightly. "No, you'll probably be camping at my porch."

"Something like that," he smirked.

She pecked his lips, but didn't add another word. Hopefully there would never be a reason that she wanted him out of her life. For if she really wanted that, she would succeed. No matter how hard he struggled. 


	48. Call of Duty

Juice knew he was a complete idiot for feeling jealousy when Kozik was hugging Alex, but it felt like the man was holding her just a little longer than anyone else. Her voice sounded more girly because she was so enthusiast to see him again, while she was making jokes about skateboarding and breaking legs. Her sponsor threw an arm around her shoulder as he headed inside, to the bar. 

If anyone would feel deeply betrayed, it would be Kozik, Juice realized. He might be a friendly guy, more social than most of them, but he could get mad pretty well too and the idea that he had trained a girl to become a Son for a year, would mess with his head – just like it had done with him. The only reason that Juice had forgiven her so easily, was because she had been a better friend to him than anyone else. Whether Kozik would also be so forgiving – especially after twelve months instead of three – remained to be seen. 

Juice entered Chapel, after the intel they had gotten from Romeo they had been convened for a meeting as soon as they were back in the clubhouse. He sat down in his chair waiting for the others. Kozik was the last one entering the room, a beer in his hand. 

As soon as everyone was around the table, Jax reminded them to the fact that this feud with Lobos Sonora had gotten personal now they had tried to abduct his old lady. There however was no one taking the bait; they all promised to have his back, Juice no less than the others, and to join him on his warpath now they knew the location of the hostile cartel. 

Lobos Sonora wasn't the only problem that had to be dealt with today; Clay sent Bobby, Opie and Tig to Georgie Caruso to force him to call off his deal with Asian investors who were about to support Jacob Hale with his run for mayor. 

"The rest of us will blow those bitches to pieces," Clay decided. For a moment his eyes rested upon Juice, who could barely keep himself from shifting uncomfortably in his chair. "Take your boy with you. Like to have a extra gun around and he's more stable than the others."

"Uh, you mean Shane?" Juice muttered, scratching his neck. "It's not like I'm his sponsor or something," he muttered, not wanting to give in to their teasing.

"Heard you did an even better job." Kozik gave him a meaningful wink and Juice wondered what the hell Alex had told him during their last call. 

"Think he would love some action. He might even reward you with a good suck," Chibs added with a smirk.

Juice had the feeling that flames were coming out of his cheeks. He had thought to get used to comments like these, but the topic was only making him feel more awkward and he even felt the urge to tell them that they weren't talking about a guy at all. "He's just a prospect man. You really want to bring him along?"

The last thing he wanted, was Alex joining a mission like this, even though he knew his objection would make her angry. 

"Kid got more balls than you," Happy said. "Ain't a bad idea to have 'im around."

Juice knew there wasn't much more he could say about it, so he nodded. "Okay. I'll get him."

"You got five minutes with those balls, Juicy," Chibs chuckled. "Then you gotta be done."

With a face that had never been redder, Juice hurried away from the room, getting his act together as he headed to the working place. He nodded to V-Lin, who had taken Miles' place a few days ago, and walked to the back of the garage. Alex was bending over a car with the hood up, earpieces in while muttering some sentences now and than. Juice looked around, making sure that nobody saw them and laid his hands on her hips, grinding his waist against her ass. She jumped up, bumping her head against the hood. His arms glided around her before she would lash out again, tugging away her earpiece and kissing her nek. 

"It's just me," he muttered against her skin, a smirk crossing his lips. 

"Next time you get a punch in the face, like everyone else," she warned with a grunt, turning towards him and looking around suspiciously. 

"Nobody sees us," he whispered. "They gave me five minutes."

"For what?"

Meaningfully, he moved his eyebrows up and down, but a deadly glare from Alex told him that he would only get a smack in the face if he shared the suggestion of his brothers. 

"Never mind. We know where Lobos Sonora is hiding and Clay wants you to go with us. An extra guy because Ope, Bobby and Tig gotta go somewhere else."

"We gonna blow their brains out?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess. Got a problem with that? I tried to change their minds, so they wouldn't –" He swallowed the rest of the line as her eyes grew very dark. 

"You tried to convince them  _not_ to lemme join you guys?" she hissed. "You have any idea how honored I feel for being asked while the other prospects aren't? And you wanted to fuck that up for me?!"

"I..." His shoulders slumped down. "You're a prospect. You shouldn't be in a danger like that. It feels like you're only getting the shit of being a full patch member, and not the positive sides."

"You hear me complain?"

"No but –"

With a sigh he let go of the subject, knowing he would only make things worse. He gritted his teeth and followed her outside. Of course she was right – but it still sucked. A week ago they had been willing to sacrifice her, when the cartel needed a body and when she had been the most obvious choice since she was the newest prospect. Would they leave her just as easy to die this time, when they had to choose between a full patch member and a prospect? All Alex could see were chances, but he... he also saw the risks, the dangers. He had witnessed how little value her life had in the eyes of his brothers, just a week ago. Maybe she didn't care much about her own life either, but he did...

* * *

"Damn, that was a quickie," the men chuckled as Alex entered the clubhouse. 

"I'm very skilled," she answered with a grin. It was obvious that they had sent Juice to her on purpose, probably to tease him. "So we're goin' on an assholes hunt, I heard?" 

Tig raised his eyebrows. "And here I thought that's what you and Juice were doing in the garage."

"Already done with that one," Alex winked, taking her Beretta from her hip and checking her munition. 

Kozik waved the gun away. "We take some heavier shit with us."

She shrugged her shoulders. "Okidoki."

Adrenaline streamed through her veins. She had no problem with blowing up a cartel; those assholes targeted vulnerable family members to attack their enemies. Tara had been a victim – and something might have happened to Jax's kids as well. The world was better off without assholes like that. 

It wasn't a long ride, but it was taking enough time to help her clear her head and to shove away her anger around Juice. They left their bikes at the side of the road, close to two black vans belonging to Galindo's men. After they had all taken a machine gun from the truck, they sneaked through the forest until they found a small campsite. 

Shots were made immediately. She ran for cover behind a tree and fired back. It had been a while since she'd held a large weapon like this, but it already felt familiar. 

Two man dropped dead because of her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw that Juice was closely monitoring her and she swallowed a frustrated sigh. His feelings for her would become the dead of him one day. She pushed away the thought and focused her attention on the campers again. She counted six more people. Romeo had pushed himself to the front, interrogating some of the men in Spanish. The Sons came closer when there were no longer guns pointed at them. The second guy that was questioned, told them the rest of the cartel was hiding deeper in the forest. 

Romeo and his man clearly weren't font of loose ends; they put a bullet in the brains of the remaining men. Alex didn't move a muscle, she however saw Juice flinch with every bullet impact, not being able to take his eyes off the dead faces. 

This clearly wasn't where he was supposed to be; in the field. He should do his nerdy tricks behind a computer instead of witnessing a mass murder. Soon it would take her days to ease his mind again and she resented the fact that none of his brothers realized that. They should have sent him with Opie. 

The group divided up. Chibs and Jax would set up an ambush with Galindo's men, the others would head for the camp. 

"You're comin' with me," Kozik's voice sounded next to her. 

Alex nodded obediently. Her eyes shot to Juice, feeling relieved when she saw that Clay was taking him under his wing. With the heavy gun ready, they spread through the bushes. Alex' breathing was calm, her glance alert as she listened to her surroundings. Twigs snapped underneath their boots, no matter how hard they tried to muffle their footsteps. If someone would walk behind them, one would undoubtedly notice that they were moving in a cautious way looking very similar, giving away their military background.

Suddenly a click resonated through the woods. A coldness raced across her skin; she knew that sound all too well. A landmine. A moment later someone screamed "Mines!" somewhere to her right, followed by a deafening blow. 

Alex was so startled that she almost stumbled. Juice's face flashed before her eyes, but before she could panic, guns started to rattle, pulling her attention away. 

Alex sped up her pace, her eyes aimed at the ground, skillfully looking for oddities, for something exposing the presence of the deadly bombs. She had to find cover, she didn't dare to look up to search for their firing opponents. Just when she wanted to tell Kozik to keep his eyes on the trees, she saw something blink in a stray ray of sunlight. 

"Watch out!" she yelled. She lunged towards her sponsor, grabbed his arm and dragged him to the left. 

Too late. 

There was an ear-splitting blast, lifting her from her feet and throwing her on the ground. Something warm spattered on her arms, and at the same time something sharp and hot drilled its way into her lower leg. She screamed. Her ears were ringing, she was panting like a mad dog. Sharp stabs plagued her head, her vision became blurry. 

 _You were too late,_ a ghastly voice sung in her head.  _You were too late, once again._

**. . .**

**Hey all! Still enjoying this story? (:**

****I wanted to let you know that I started another Juice fanfic, it's called "Taste of Vengeance" and this is the summary:** **

As Juice wakes up in the morgue, he discovers that he has turned into one of the mightiest creatures on Earth. The road is open to countless possibilities, but he is still drawn back to the club with nothing but vengeance on his mind. Will his former girlfriend be able to lure him back to the light or will he be unstoppable on his path of destruction?

**You'd be the best if you check it out <3**

 

 


	49. Losing Control

Shocked, Alex stared at the bleeding stump. 

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!_

She mentally hit herself; if she wanted to save his life she had to do it  _now._ She was the only one around, the only one who could avoid that he would bleed to death. Briefly she looked at her own leg, that was also bleeding. A piece of metal was sticking out her shin. It needed to go out, but compared to Kozik's injury it was just a scratch.

The man was unconscious – or was he dead? No, his chest was still rising and falling, the sudden pain and shock must have been too much for him. Alex rolled up her shirt, with a knife she cut her chestbinder loose. Then she squatted next to Kozik and pulled up the ravels of his right pant leg.

"Don't look," she whispered to herself. "Don't look at it."

It didn't help, like magnets her eyes were drawn too the stump right beneath his knee. Bone was sticking out of his leg, flesh dangling down, blood pouring down on the ground. A wave of nausea came over her, heat spread across her face and the next moment she threw up.

"Fuck it, Alex," she grumbled to herself. "You can do this. You've seen this before."

And even though she had learned what to do in a situation like this, she had never really  _done_ it. 

She picked up the elastic fabric of her chestbinder, tore it in half and knotted it around the artery in his upper leg, pulling as hard as she could. Then she took off her belt and tied it down too. That was all she could do. Burning the wound was an option as well, but it was too time-consuming and she lacked the right stuff. She glanced around, looking for help. She couldn't move him on her own, but the others were far ahead of them and in the middle of a gunfight. Desperately she gritted her teeth, tears jumping in his eyes. Fuck. What a fucking mess was she in! Briefly she wiped the tears away with her shoulder. Her eye caught her bleeding leg. The pain was sharp, but it kept her alert. The bleeding however worried her, especially when she had to strain herself. Grunting, she pulled out the iron splinter, covered the wound with a piece of her chestbinder, yanking the laces from her boots and tying the provisional bandage. 

She took off her boots, grabbed Kozik beneath his armpits and dragged him backwards. He was taller than she, at least two inches, and there was quite a muscle mass. She however had done lots of strength training and she had learned to go until the end, so she kept dragging him back. 

After 30 feet her muscles were already aching, her arms starting to shake. 

"Fuck Kozik!" she growled. "Wake up man!"

Frustrated she dropped his body, wiping her eyes. With a groan he hit the ground. 

A groan.

Immediately Alex fell on her knees beside him, slapping his face. "Hey! Stay with me!"

Slowly Kozik opened his eyes. Glassy, he stared at her, then his eyes seemed to focus and widened. The pain, he was feeling that horrible pain again!

"Let me... let me go kid," he muttered. "I... I'm dying."

"No you're not!" she snapped back. "We got three hours to get you to a hospital and until then you're gonna fight like hell against that alluring darkness, you got that?" She grabbed his chin with her bloody fingers and looked him in the eye. "You got that?! You're a Son, you don't give up. Ever. I know it fucking hurts, but you gotta hop until we find someone who can help us. Sit up."

Dazzled, he stared at her. 

"Herman Kozik! Get on that ass of yours now!" She pulled his shoulder until he did as she said. When his face was about to turn to his leg, she grabbed his chin again. "Look me in the eye. Get up, now. Lean on my shoulder."

Whimpering, his fingertips clawed in her shoulder. Shifting more and more weight towards her, he leaned on her shoulder and she pulled him on his feet, wrapping an arm around him. She took a few wobbly steps. 

"I knew you could do it," she said on a gentler tone. "We're going back to the others, take one of those black vans and I'll drive you to the hospital."

Little by little they shambled back into the direction from which they had came. How long would he have? In normal circumstances around three hours, but he wasn't exactly lying still. Her eyes flashed to the side, to Kozik's pale face. He wasn't crying, nor screaming and she was afraid that he would lose his conscious again. Or that he would just die.

A few feet later, his leg collapsed beneath him and he kept laying still on the ground. She tried to lift him again, hated the fact that she wasn't a real man, but her own leg barely supported her anymore. How far to the others? It couldn't be that far, right?

"Gonna get help." She caressed his clammy, blonde hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead – as a means of saying goodbye in case she didn't make it back on time. Then she stood up and limped back to Galindo's men as quick as she could. 

Earlier than expected, her path crossed that of Jax. He was wearing an even bigger gun – apparently they had decided to use the guns for the trade themselves to back up their troubled companions. 

"Shane?" His eyes turned dark. "What the hell are you doin' here?"

"I"m not deserting like some kind of pussy coward," she grunted. "Kozik's foot hit a mine, half of his leg is blown up. He needs to go to a hospital but I can't drag him along on my own." She pointed at her injured leg. 

Jax hesitated, casting a glance forward. 

"Galindo got lots of men," she insisted. "We don't have long, two hours at most. Come on, help me at least to get him out of the minefield. He's your brother man."

His face grew gloomy. "I know that man. But he ain't the only one needing my help."

"But he is the only one who will die  _without_ your help."

The man gritted his teeth, then he nodded. Alex told him which way to go, then she followed him as fast as she could. 

Relief spread through her veins as Jax returned a little later, carrying Kozik in his arms. Worry was written all over his face, something told her that he was sure that his friend wouldn't make it. Alex however refused to believe that; she had seen similar miracles.

As they reached the vans, Alex felt exhausted. She smashed a window and opened the door from inside out. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Jax grumbled. 

"Taking him to the hospital."

"The trunk is filled with illegal guns!"

"Then what  _do_  you want? You want him to die because of a stupid deal? Is money really more important than human lives? Than the life of your  _brothers?_ " 

"You have no idea what you're talking about," he said in a threatening voice. "About who you're talking."

Alex narrowed her eyes. "I'm talking about your friend who's gonna die if we don't take him to the hospital right now!" Her breathing fell heavier. They were wasting time, Kozik would die because of this stupid argument. Without thinking, she grabbed her gun and aimed it at Jax. "Put him on the co-drivers seat."

"Are you fucking serious? Are you –"

"Now, Jax!" she yelled. "I'm fucking serious, asshole. If you're willing to sacrifice Kozik, I'm sure as hell willing to sacrifice  _you_ to keep him alive!"

Jax' face tensed. His glance however slid away from her face when Kozik woke up again, whimpering. Seeing the man in pain, silenced the VP and he carried him to the other side of the van. Alex opened the dashboard and messed with the strings until the engine started. 

"This ain't over boy." After those words, Jax slammed the car door.

Alex huffed, pumping the gas, tires squealing as she took off. While driving she pulled her phone out of her pocket, calling Mila and telling her to make sure Kozik could be in surgery as soon as she arrived at St. Thomas.

* * *

Juice was lying in a ditch, the rocks cutting his back right through the fabric of his cut. His heartbeat resonated through his whole body. Clay was right next to him, where the others were he didn't know. He didn't dare to look over the edge; everyone was keeping low and the moment he showed himself he would be their main target.

But Alex...

His chest tightened. He had heard three mines go off. What if she had been one of the victims? The stress was eating his concentration away, it made him want to jump up to go looking for her. 

Far away he heard Romeo yell something, but the words didn't reach his ears. He was too close to a panic attack. 

"Hey, Juicy." Clay crawled closer to him. "Take it easy man. The others are on their way; they gonna smoke 'em out with the stuff of the IRA."

Juice took a deep breath, but it still felt like the air lacked oxygen. That knowledge didn't change a damn thing about the fact that Alex might have stepped on a mine. As the tears were piling up in his eyes, he squeezed them. Behind him he heard new shootings, harder explosions. 

Crouched he lay down on the ground, until Clay shook his shoulder and gave him a penetrating look. "What the hell's going on with you today?"

Juice still had a shallow breathing, he wasn't able to say anything at all. 

"They're all dead. Come on, let's go." Clay stood up.

"One at a time!" Chibs yelled. "Walk slowly and look where ye put yer feet!"

Juice stood up as well. He no longer cared about the mines and climbed on the highest rock next to him, so he could oversee the area. He saw Happy, he saw lots of Romeo's and Galindo's men... but Kozik and Alex were nowhere to be seen. 

"Oh God..." He dropped on his knees. "O God..."

"Hey, come on man." Clay squatted next to him, nudging his knee. "It's over."

"Alex..." He stammered. "Alex is..."

"Who?"

Juice felt so shitty that he couldn't think straight anymore. And what difference would it make right now anyway? "She... she got blown up. She's... she's gone."


	50. Bombs Dropped

"What the hell are you talkin' about man?" Clay asked, clearly irritated. "Some stone hit your head?" Frowning, he studied Juice's face. 

Juice tried to wipe away his tears, but more and more were coming. 

She was dead. 

For fuck's sake – she was dead. Like, really dead. 

He should have stopped her, should have taken his responsibilities, should have told his brothers that she was a girl. Yeah, she would have been mad, would have cursed him, have beaten him up, would never have wanted to see him again – but at least she would have been alive. 

And now...

Now there wasn't even a body to bury. Maybe some remains were scattered across the field; an arm or a leg, but he knew his brothers would never allow him to scout a minefield to find them. 

"Juice!" Clay grabbed his upper arm and squeezed. "What's going on man? You got a panic attack? Some old trauma? Who the hell is Alex?"

"Shane," he whispered. "Alex is... Alex was Shane. He was a girl."

Blindsided, Clay stared him the eye. " _What?!_ "

Juice's shoulders slumped down. He hung too now. He could have kept the truth to himself, she could have taken her secret to the grave. But he didn't want her to have an anonymous grave like Miles had. She deserved a memorial stone, a grave – even if it was empty. 

And both names should be carved into it. Alex Epps and Shane Brewster.

Clay heaved a deep sigh, squeezing his shoulder. "I'm sorry." Their eyes met briefly and his pres gave him an understanding nod. For the time being the truth would stay between them. 

Juice had to admit that he didn't care much. She might have been part of SAMCRO for a very short time, but she had changed everything for him. New tears glided down his cheeks and he breathed in sniffing. 

Clay pulled him into a hug. "We will give her a honorable goodbye," he promised. He let go of him again and nodded to the others. "You gotta man up now. The cartel doesn't like tears."

Juice took a deep breath and nodded, his legs still feeling shaky. He wiped his cheeks, although he didn't know how to control his tear ducts. Dazed he stepped off the rock and headed for the others. He heard Chibs yelling him to slow down, but it felt like he had no control over his feet. The world was just vanishing around him; he didn't even care if he would step on a mine too.  

Had she even noticed she had stepped on one? What had been the last thought crossing her mind? That she would be reunited with her brother and parents? That her mission had failed? Had she thought about him?

Feeling numb, he joined the others. 

"Aye, what's goin' on?" Chibs glared at him. 

Juice looked up. Alex's name was burning on his lips, but he was afraid that he would break if he would say her name another time. 

"Oh..." The glance in Chibs' eyes softened and he wrapped his arms around him. "Sorry son," he whispered. "He was a good lad."

Juice's throat felt so tight he could barely breath, let alone say something. He stared at the ground, his whole body suddenly feeling so heavy that he wanted to drop down on the ground.

"Where the hell have you been?" Clay's rough voice sounded. 

Wildly, Juice turned his head to the side, with all his heart hoping that Alex had shown up either way. All his organs seemed to shrivel up as he saw Jax. His face was tensed, he was clearly angry. 

"We got a problem," he said in an intrusive tone, looking from Clay to Chibs. "The prospect hijacked the van with the guns."

"W-what?" Juice stammered in a tiny voice. Were his ears still working? Or – or was he talking about one of the other prospects? 

Jax had clenched his jaws and gave him such a heated glare that he was sure that it was about Alex. Nervously, he swallowed. He felt even worse when Clay looked at him, his eyebrows raised. It was all too much for his mind to handle. A moment ago Alex had been dead... and now she had stolen guns? Why would she do that?

"How could you let that happen?" Clay grumbled. "It's a fucking prospect!"

"Kozik's leg was blown off, the kid wanted to take him to the hospital. And he... held me at gunpoint when I tried to stop him."

Juice stared at the man stupidly. She was alive... she really was still alive!

With a sigh, his brothers exchanged looks. Juice had the feeling nobody could really blame Alex for taking Kozik to the hospital if the guy had lost his leg, but that she had aimed a gun at her VP... Well, that would cause some real problems... 

Although her SAMCRO adventure was over anyway, as it seemed, he realized when he felt Clay's glance resting upon his face. He had betrayed her. He was sure that she would be capable of killing him if she found out. 

"You act like he stole the guns," he said. There was still a lump in his throat. "We just ride to the hospital and pick up the van."

Jax snorted. "Doesn't matter. That kid can't follow orders. He's done."

"Jackie..." Chibs objected, a warning tone in his voice. "We're all a bit... wired now. Let's just explain Romeo what happened, ask Shane if the guns are still with him and if Kozik made it, and then we get the stuff."

Juice stared forward. Right now he didn't know what to feel anymore. Alex was still alive, she had blown her chances to become a full patch member, Kozik was dying, Clay knew that Shane was a girl – and to his bewilderment the man hadn't told the others. 

It felt like he had swallowed a heated stone that was slowly sinking to his stomach. There was no doubt in his mind that Clay would confront her with the truth the moment that everyone was around...

* * *

Alex wasn't looking forward to picking up the phone, but she knew bigger trouble was awaiting her if she  _didn't_ take the call. To her relief she saw Chibs' name on the screen, instead of Jax's.

"Hey," she said. Grunting, she sat a little more comfortable at the chair in the waiting room. Her wound was disinfected and stitched on the ER, there after she had insisted on waiting here. 

"Hey lad. How eh – how's Kozik? Will he make it?"

"Dunno. Did what I could but..." She swallowed as the tears jumped in her eyes, forcing her to take a few deep breaths before she had regrouped again. "Gotta wait now. They do what they can."

"Aye, sure they do."

An awkward silence fell. Alex sensed to what subject he wanted to change and said: "I didn't crash that... car or somethin'. You can pick 'm up." Her eyes shot through the room. Although nobody seemed to pay attention to her, she was still on her guard. 

"Good. It was... a bloody risk you took, lad. In your panic you could –"

"I wasn't panicking." Alex leaned back in her chair. "I knew what I was doin', what risk I took. But there was no time to discuss and Jax hesitated too long." Her jaws tensed. "I'd never abandon any of you. If a cartel wants to lynch me for that , they can do their thing."

"If someone's searching that van and confiscates the guns, you won't be the only one they'll lynch, Shane."

She snorted. "You should have thought about that before you were gettin' in bed with those guys."

"Shane..." Chibs' voice sounded dangerously low. "Yer crossin' the line now. Don't forget who ye are: yer just a prospect. Yer opinion means shite."

She rolled her eyes, glad he couldn't see it. 

"Go to that van and keep everyone away 'til we're there."

With a sigh she ended the call. She picked up the crutches and limped outside, where she lit up a cigarette leaning against the van. There was a fat chance that the cops would look into the license plate at exactly this moment – but having such bad luck would be typical her. It wasn't worth the risk. 

* * *

Alex dropped the butt of her third cigarette and crushed it underneath her boot as some bikes rolled up the parking lot of the hospital. Most men went inside immediately to attract no attention; only Chibs walked towards her, accompanied by one of Galindo's men who had stepped out of a black car. 

"Check the cargo if you like, trunk hasn't been open." Alex pushed the key of the van in Chibs' hand. 

The Scot glanced briefly at her before he nodded to the hospital. "Go in."

Alex limped back to the building and went through the revolving door, feeling clumsy with her crutches. According to the doctor she however had strained her leg enough for one day. She was just on her way to the surgical wing when someone grabbed her wrist, dragging her to a narrow hallway leading to the elevators. She stumbled, but was caught by two arms pushing her against the wall. With wide, spooked eyes Juice looked at her – like he couldn't comprehend that she was here. 

She wanted to murmur a protest, but before a syllable could pass her lips, his mouth was on hers, his hand grabbing her jaw almost desperately. 

"God, I thought you were dead," he muttered after the kiss, pulling her tight in his arms and pressing his face against the crook of her neck. "I thought that I would never see you again, never hold you again..." His breathing faltered. Although she didn't like the fact that he was almost jumping her bones in the middle of a hospital, her heart softened as she realized how lost he must have felt. 

"I'm still here, okay?" She laid a hand against his cheek and looked at him. His eyes were glassy, skittish, confused. "I'm still here. I'm going nowhere."

His hand glided underneath her cut, settling on her lower back and pulling her even closer. His eyes held her glance. "I love you, Alex."

A little uncomfortable Alex looked away. That confession had been coming for a while and she didn't exactly know why it caused such an unpleasant feeling her stomach.

When she didn't say anything, he dropped his eyes and heaved a deep sigh. "I wanted you to know that. For I – I know you're gonna hate me."

Alex frowned her eyebrows. "What the hell are you talkin' about?"

Juice took a step back and grabbed her hand. Without looking at her he muttered: "Clay knows. That you're a girl."

"W-what? How..." She yanked her hand away from his and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look her in the eye. "You  _told_ him?"

"I thought you were dead!"

Anger gathered inside her chest. Heavily she breathed in and out, her hands clenching to fists. "I knew I never should have told you," she hissed. "I  _knew_ I couldn't trust you!"


	51. Underneath the Tough Shell

Despite the fact that it was impossible to disprove her assertions, anger arose inside him too. "You were  _dead_!" he snapped. "Everyone thought that you were dead! Can you really blame me for breaking down? For slipping up your real name? For completely losing it? Nothing mattered to me anymore when I thought that you were gone, Alex, I was walking through a fucking mine field and I didn't even care if I got blown up myself too!" It felt like he was getting a punch in the stomach as he remembered his loss. "I didn't say it on purpose. I said it... I said it because I love you. Because losing you... was driving me insane." He looked intensely at her, hoping for a little bit of understanding.

But no, not at all.

"That should be some kind of healing spell? _I love you?_  You think I give a fuck about whether you love me or hate me? Jax knew that I was alive; you're talking shit claiming that everyone thought that I was dead. You're the only one stupid enough to believe that; you're freaking out every fucking time I'm facing the slightest bit of danger!"

Juice's jaws tensed. It felt like a stab in the dark and it wasn't true. "You act like I'm some kind of pussy. We were running across a  _minefield_ Alex! Mines were exploding, people were  _dying!_ Everyone reached the other side, except for Kozik and you! How the hell was I supposed to know that you were so busy holding our VP at gunpoint like some mad idiot?!"

"A mad idiot?" she hissed. "You think I'm a mad idiot for trying to save Kozik's life?"

"For threatening Jax!"

"Wasn't doing that because I was bored, asshole. That fucker left me no choice."

Grunting, he raised his hands, grabbing the back of his head and lowering them again. There was no way to reason with her now - she just couldn't imagine herself in his place, she didn't  _want_ to imagine herself in his place. All she could see, were the facts, and she just cut away all the feelings leading to them.

"I'm sorry, okay? I never wanted to rat on you. Let's talk to Clay, maybe..."

"What? You think I'm gonna beg him to shut up? Tell him about the tragic story of my life, hoping to gain his sympathy? Not everyone is as soft as you; he doesn't give a shit about my motivation. I'm a woman, SAMCRO should consist of men alone so I'm done. Thanks a lot, Ortiz. You should have hung yourself from that fucking tree, then you would only have fucked up your own life."

Juice was too overwhelmed to respond. He didn't move a muscle as she limped past him, roughly pushing him away. There were no tears shining in her eyes; just a smoldering hate cutting off his breath. Tears however did pile up in his own eyes. Sniffing, he wiped them away.  _She doesn't mean it. She's just pissed._ This wasn't the first time she was yelling things that she regretted later. This time it wouldn't be any different.

But only when this problem was solved.

And when she refused to talk to Clay, he should do it himself.

"You finally see how all this is messing her up? The club - you and your brothers are destroying her."

Juice turned to the side; finding Mila just a few steps away from him, who had just rounded a corner.

"You were eavesdroppin' us?" he grunted.

"Ever since she dropped off her sponsor with half of his leg blown off, I was keeping an eye on her. She might have ditched me, but that doesn't mean that I no longer care about her. But I don't even recognize her anymore. The way she was talking to you..." She shook her head, sighing. "The old Alex would  _never_ have said that. Sure, she was always wearing her heart on her sleeve, but hurting someone so purposefully? Telling the guy that's supposed to be her lover that he should've hanged himself?"

Juice shrugged. "I deserved it."

"No, Juice. Nobody deserves a scolding like that. A few weeks ago  _she_ would have convinced you about that, and now she's doing it herself. I really don't know what to do anymore, I have no idea what happened to her, but it hurts to see her being so cold all the time."

Juice sighed. Maybe Mila was right. Maybe Alex's personality had indeed changed, but had he been unable to notice it because he had been so lost in his own thoughts. "She's not always like that," he still tried to defend her. "At home..."

With a sigh, he blew away his words. It sounded pathetic; claiming that she also had her sweet moments, that she also had a playful side. But those sides seemed to fade, it felt like the darkness surrounding her was growing stronger and stronger.

"Do you two talk?" Mila asked after a while. She leaned with her shoulder against the wall, a clipboard clutched to her chest.

"Sometimes," he muttered. Then he dropped his eyes. "Well, not really. She doesn't want to talk about the stuff that really matters."

"But you do know what changed her so much?"

He thought about Miles, about the gun she had put to her head, pulling the trigger. About her tears, when she found him with a chain around his neck. "Yeah, I do."

"Then what is it?"

No matter how desperate Mila might sound; Juice shook his head. "I have already betrayed her trust. If she wanted you to know, she would have told you. I'm sorry."

Mila sighed. "You have to talk to her, Juice.  _Somebody_ needs to talk to her. Also about today. I don't know what happened to Kozik, I don't know what she saw... But she shouldn't bottle everything up. She's gonna explode some day." Suddenly, Mila stepped closer to him, grabbing his hand. "I don't know what to do anymore. It should be you, Juice. You love her, I heard you declare your love. Don't let her scare you away with hateful remarks like she just did." Her face grew gloomy. "That's something she's very talented in, those days."

Juice swallowed another sigh. "Clay knows. That she's a girl. Soon she will no longer be a prospect anyway."

Her eyes got a fearful glance. "What will they do to her?"

Juice shrugged. "Kick her out. Now she tried to save Kozik's life, they won't give her the harshest punishment, I think."

"Then we better start praying that she doesn't punish herself that way."

"What do you mean?" Juice tried to catch her glance, but she was staring at the ground.

"I'm afraid of what she will do if she loses the club, you  _and_ me, Juice. I'm afraid that she will be the one hanging from that tree, once she has lost her goal in life."

Juice shook his head. "Alex isn't a coward."

"Underneath that tough shell is a vulnerable girl that has suffered a lot, Juice." She looked up, the hospital lights were revealing the tears in her eyes. "You know how all this started? Because she was afraid she couldn't deal with the emptiness when she lost both Kip and her future at the army. She was scared to death that whatever had urged her mother to commit suicide, would convince her to do the same. I don't know if she ever told you this, but she was suicidal. And this whole... undertaking was nothing but a very desperate attempt to fight that emptiness."

Juice felt a lump in his throat. He hadn't known that. Even when he had wanted to end his life, she hadn't shared it with him.

Mila squeezed his hand before she let go of him. "She needs you. Much more than she will ever admit to you - or to herself. I don't know if you really meant it, when you told her that you love her. But loving Alex - that's no easy task."

"It is for me. She did more for me than anyone will ever understand," he said quietly. "She saved me. And in return, I'm ruining everything for her." He breathed in sharply and nodded a goodbye.

It was time to visit Clay. To see if there was still a way to keep her inside the club.

If he wasn't too late by now...


	52. Secrecy

Clay was sitting on the edge of the bed in his club room, bent forward, the Sergeant At Arms patch in his hand. Tig had just handed it to him, before slamming the door shut. The club was falling apart – his whole life was falling apart. Bobby wanted him no longer as President, Kozik would never ride again, Jax was questioning his decisions all the time,  that stupid bitch of him refused to die, his own wife that he had beaten up the day before, Piney who was rotting away in his house... and now his right hand was also turning his back on him. It was one big mess. The only thing he had wanted, was earning a big sum of money before he would retreat as President – which was already hard enough. He didn't want to give in to his aging, to his arthritis, but his painful fingers made riding more difficult with each day passing by and it wouldn't take long before it was no longer justified to ride. He tried not to think about it, focusing on the here and now, for their current situation was shitty too. At least they had blown Lobo Sonora to pieces. One problem solved, even though they had been the perfect cover for eliminating Tara and explaining Piney's sudden death. 

He looked up when there was a knock on the door. He sighed, who else would want to scold him? He grunted his approval to let the other enter and raised it eyebrows when it turned out to be Juice. The kid looked nervous, fidgeting with the chain on his pants and barely looking at him. 

"Hey Juicy." He feigned a smile. Now he had so few allies, he wanted to keep the brothers close who didn't hate him yet.

"Hey uhm... I hoped to talk to you. About – about Alex."

Right. That prospect that had turned out to be a girl. It was bizarre and there was so much shit going on that it hadn't really dawned on him yet. He however had kept the knowledge to himself; maybe it could be useful. "Yeah... tell me all about that Alex." He raised his eyebrows. "What the hell is this man? She lets you wet her pussy in exchange for your secrecy?"

A red glow spread across Juice's cheeks. "No – it's not like that. Ehm..." He took a deep breath, running a hand across his mohawk. 

"But you're banging her, right?"

Juice started to pace in front of the door, his hands deep inside his pockets. "I do but... that's not the reason. She – she ain't a whore."

Clay chuckled softly. No, she was a prospect. It was insane, he had no other words for it. "Sit down, son. You're gettin' on my nerves."

Juice nodded, heaved another deep sigh and sat down next to him. Now he started to fuss with his rings and Clay had to keep himself from pulling his hands away from each other. 

"So... You didn't think it was worth mentioning that our newest prospect is a girl? How long do you know?"

"Not that long," he muttered. "She told me the day after... Miles died."

Barely two weeks ago, Clay realized. "Sounds like you had plenty of time to tell us." 

"Yeah..." he muttered. "She's Sack's sister. Half Sack. Getting her top rocker is some kind of... tribute to him. She claims that she wants to tell everyone the truth as soon as she has earned that patch. I dunno... I liked the idea." 

Clay assumed there were a lot more things he liked about her pursuing him to keep his mouth shut, but he kept that thought to himself. 

"Shane was my best friend. I was really pissed when she told me the truth, but not that pissed that I wanted to rat her out. I thought... that as long as she isn't a  _real_ Son... it isn't that bad that she's a girl."

"Not that bad?" Clay huffed. "You tell me that..."

"She's doin' great, isn't she? She's a good prospect – better than I was. Without her, Kozik would have been dead."

He did have a point. She  _was_ a good asset; he had even considered to shorten Shane's trial period. They needed extra manpower and he was much bolder than his fellow prospects. Again he shook his head in disbelief. But he was a  _girl._ A fucking girl. 

"Why are you here? Why isn't she the one begging?"

Juice let out a cynical laugh. "She'll never beg for anything. To no one."

"Not even in bed?" he smirked. 

"Not even in bed," Juice muttered, a red glow taking over his face again. 

Clay knew enough. It was clear who was the man in their relationship. "So she sent you? What are you, her Old Lady?"

The man's shoulders tensed. "No, she doesn't even know I'm here. But I'm the one who fucked it up. I have to make this right – at least I want to explain why she's doing this. She loves the club like we all do and she has proven her loyalty more than once."

Clay heaved a deep sigh, contemplating his words. Usually he wouldn't even have thought about the issue – letting a girl in, even as a prospect, was absolute madness. But he needed Juice's goodwill, and maybe he would even need Alex's. Who knows what those two would be willing to do to make sure that he kept their little secret...

"I'll keep this to myself." He slapped the guy's shoulder. "Got nothing but respect for that chick."

* * *

Overwhelmed, Juice stared at Clay. "W-what?" He had been hoping that he could at least reduce her punishment, he had never thought that he could convince Clay to keep Alex' identity a secret. 

"You're right. She is a good prospect. And if she's doing this for Sack..." He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe we owe this to her. He died for the club, trying to protect Abel. She could have hated the club..."

"She has no family left. And since Sack was part of our family... she wanted that too. It's her way of saying goodbye, of letting him go. She was out on a mission when he died."

"A mission?"

Juice nodded. "She's a former military."

"Ah. That explains a lot."

Juice nodded again, his chest puffing out with pride because his girl was such a bad ass – well, if she still wanted to be his girl after today. And knowing her, this talk wouldn't subside her anger; he had betrayed her trust and he had no idea how to fix it. "You think she should tell the others?"

"Hmm... why? I assume she doesn't want to receive that top rocker just because everyone feels sorry for her."

Clay was right. She didn't even want to tell others about their relationship because she was afraid she wouldn't be voted in according to her own efforts; she would certainly not take the risk that she would get that patch because she was a girl dealing with a trauma. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Still he hated it. Keeping her identity a secret was only causing stress and he didn't want them to be constantly fighting. 

For a moment a silence fell. Juice realized the talk was over and that Clay was probably expecting him to leave. 

"Thanks," he muttered. "For givin' her a chance."

Clay nodded. "Now go make sure she gives  _you_ another chance. I want none of this crap bleeding into the club, you got that?" He held Juice's glance. "If you can't control her, she's out."

Juice's face grew gloomy. It felt like Alex had became his responsibility. Something she would  _never_ accept. 


	53. Dark Feelings

Alex flipped through the only photo album she had, and that wasn't even half full. With a slight smile she let the memories carry her away. On this page were pictures of the weekend she had taken Kip to a monster truck rally to celebrate his graduation. Since she had never finished high school herself, it had definitely been an achievement worth celebrating. They had camped on a meadow close to the event, in a way too small tent and with way too much beer, and when her brother ran into a nice girl the second night, she had tried to sleep outside in the grass, staring at the stars and  really hard trying to ignore their noises.

The doorbell dragged her out of her memories. Once more she glanced at her phone to see if there was a missed call – she was still waiting for news about Kozik – but there were no notifications. In the end she kept just sitting at the table. There wasn't anyone she wanted to talk to anyway. She had no desire to hear Mila's complaints and the last person she wanted to see right now, was Juice.

She flipped through the book again, but it didn't take long before there was a knock on the backdoor. Through the glass, she saw him peek inside. 

"Come on Alex! Stop bein' so stubborn!"

She ignored him, until he started to mess with the lock as he tried to break into her house again. Agitated, she stood up and limped to the door. Twisting the key, she flung the door open so it slammed against his head.  _Good for you._ "Fuck off, Juice."

"But I –"

"If you say one more time that you love me, I break your jaw," she warned him. 

He looked up. Expecting to see his hurt face, she was surprised by his grim expression. Forcefully he grabbed her upper arm and dragged her inside, ignoring her wounded leg and pushing her roughly on the couch. "Stop ravin' and listen to me!" he growled.

The first thought crossing her mind, was that he looked fucking hot when he was mad. Immediately she pushed away the thought, although something warm attached to the frosty anger inside her as she caught a glimpse of him, taking her here on the couch and forgetting about all his caution for once. Confused, she shook off the image and looked at him, raising her eyebrows questioningly. 

"I've talked to Clay and he will keep his mouth shut."

Alex huffed. "Right. And what does he want in return? Should I let him fuck me too? What do you think I am, a fucking whore?"

Juice cursed and kicked over the table, causing a loud snap. "Stop being so ridiculous! Or does this mean shit to you?" he snapped, pointing from himself to her. "Is this the real reason that you're sleepin' with me? Cause you're afraid that I will rat on you if you don't? I don't need to hear that you love me, cause you made pretty clear that you don't, but do I mean  _anything_ to you?" he yelled. "When you were Shane you were my best friend, but now you're yelling that I should hang myself? Do you even realize what shitty things you spit out when you're angry, how much you hurt others? Not only me, but Mila and god knows who else you've gotten rid off! And because of what? Just because we care about you!"

"You betrayed me! You are the one who can't control his tongue!" she answered stubbornly. "How did you  _think_ I would react?"

"I thought you wouldn't!" he screamed. "It thought you were dead. DEAD, you hear me?! You lost it when your brother died, killing your own friend, and you blame me for calling out your real name?!"

Alex stood up and glared at him. "Don't you dare to compare these things. The bond between Kip and me was of an entire different nature than ours!"

He snorted. "Yeah, I certainly hope so." He was confronted with so much anger that she could feel the heat radiate from his face.

In a whim, she grabbed him by the collar and looked at him with a wild longing in her eyes. "God you look so fucking hot when you're mad. Take me."

"W-what?" he asked dazed. 

"Fuck me. Here on the couch. Or on the ground – against the wall, I don't fucking care." Hungry for his body, she pressed her lips against his.

"What? No!" Annoyed, he pushed her away. "I'm not some toy you can toss away every time you're done with it! I want a relationship with you, but I seriously doubt you have any idea what that means." His dark glance rested upon her face, and a nasty feeling spread through her stomach. He broke up. 

"I thought you said you wouldn't let me push you away."

"And I thought there was something between us, but this whole relationship centers around you. I guess we were both wrong. So fine – we're done, if that's what you want. If all I'm good for is a fuck, you better find someone else."

After these words he turned around and strode away. Sighing, Alex dropped down on the couch. Her eyes were stinging, but there were no tears. Maybe this was for the best. He deserved a lot better than the mess she was. 

* * *

Juice's hand ran across his face as he was taking a long drag from the joint he had just rolled. He was sitting on the bench at his porch – there where he had kissed her for the second time. Or him, back then. It was strange, but he missed his friend. It felt like Alex and Shane were two completely different people. Shane had always listened to him, had always been calm, had dared to open up to him... but even the smallest thing could make Alex go crazy, and once she was angry, nothing dawned on her anymore. Was it all because of what Miles had done? Were her memories calling up the fear that Clay would demand the same things from her? Did she believe  _he_ had expected sex from her? No – she had wanted him. He had seen the longing in her eyes, he had felt it, every time her fingers had traveled across his body. Or was that all because she wanted to forget about the rape? It felt like they had lost their friendship, somewhere during the past days. Sometimes he had the feeling that he was nothing but a Croweater in her eyes; a way to get rid off her frustrations. Just like the minute before he had left. 

With a sigh, he stared forward. What now? Was it really over? Maybe it was for the best – they both couldn't handle the extra stress. But he loved her, today that had became more clear than ever. He didn't want to lose her – but he neither wanted this embittered Alex, who shut him out, who only considered him as a release. He wanted her to share her pain and her anger with him, but he had no idea how to convince her to trust him. He had insisted many times, but she was afraid that she couldn't pull herself together once her walls were lowered, so that she would no longer look like the tough prospect she was pretending to be. 

It however would take at least nine more months before she could take off her mask, before she could tell everyone who she really was, and Juice had no idea how she should make it to the end. If he was honest, he didn't think she would. 

Not without others – and she was pushing away those others. He felt stupid for believing Alex wouldn't do that to him, but now he had the feeling he had been wrong about their whole relationship all along. Since the moment that Shane had dropped down on that bar stool, encouraging him to talk about his first murder, he had vented to the prospect. 

Alex had never done the same. Only that first night – but never since. For weeks she had shielded off her true self, and even now he knew who she was, now they had made love – or at least he had thought it was love – she was still doing that.

Clay's words filled his head again. _"If you can't control her, she's out."_

She was no longer the one everything depended on. The success of her mission, that what kept her heart beating, was depending on him now. And he didn't know what the fuck he should do to keep her under his thumb – hell, he couldn't even hold her in his arms right now.


	54. Pouring Hearts Out

Alex drank herself to sleep, so that she woke up with an aching leg  _and_ a pounding head next morning. She had fallen asleep on the couch and when she raised herself, all her muscles felt sore. Struggling to the kitchen, she slammed a glass of water and a handful of painkillers and stared out of the window. She felt numb. Lonely. 

Her fingers clenched around the edge of the counter top as images plagued her. Dirt raining down on her, blood, Kozik's shocked face. The blast crashed through her, all air was beaten out of her lungs as she hit the ground. Her heart was pounding like crazy like she was back in the minefield. 

Alex took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She however found no relief. She didn't even know if Kozik would make it to the end of the day. He might just die in a couple of hours; and she would be the cause of his suffering.

It felt like something dark was creeping around her, something with deadly claws and smoldering eyes. Her stomach cringed, goose bumps spread across her body. For a moment she even thought to feel a warm breathing in her neck, caused by a memory she thought she had banished. When her hand went for the coffee maker, a reflection in the mirror startled her. Wildly she turned around, but there was no one but her. 

Alex tried to swallow. It felt like something was stuck in her throat. An accumulation of tears – tears that had been there since the moment that she found Juice with a chain around his neck. She hadn't cried since that day, as if she knew the same fate would come over her if she  _did_ surrender to the feelings she had hidden so deeply. Feelings that had destroyed her mother, that had almost destroyed Juice. 

Juice... The thought of him made her heart squeeze painfully. Even with a hangover she understood very well why he had left. Her own snark echoed in her head. She didn't even know why she had yelled those words, why she had wanted to hurt him so deeply. So that he would be the one feeling like shit? So she could comfort him again _,_ now he no longer seemed to need her comfort? She had wanted him to be happy again, but now he was no longer broken down, it felt like the attention was shifted towards her and it suffocated her. He suffocated her –  _she_ suffocated herself. Everything was just suffocating – she was dying for a break, for fresh air, far away from Charming. Maybe that would help her to shake off that exhausting darkness, those shadows that felt like the ghost of the man who had raped her. 

There however was no chance she could leave now. Clay and Jax would think she didn't dare to look them in the eye after yesterday and although she usually didn't care about what others were thinking of her, the opinion of her President and VP  _did_ matter. 

Today however she decided to stay home. Since she was using crutches, there wasn't much work she could do in the garage anyway, and now she could take a breath and prepare herself for a confrontation with Jax and Clay. And maybe with Juice too... She shook off the thought. No, Juice and her were done talking. He was better off without her.

* * *

"Ye lover felt too shitty to work today?" Chibs slapped Juice on the shoulder as he sat down on the chair next to him. 

"Wouldn't know," the man grumbled. "I guess, he walks around on crutches."

Chibs chuckled. "That means shit with that guy."

Juice gritted his teeth and turned his head away, leaving Chibs flabbergasted. Apparently the two young lads were in a fight. 

"Yeah, we should talk about that guy," Jax groaned. "I don't need a brother who's pointing a gun at my head to have things his way."

Chibs' eyes shot to Juice, but he made no move to defend his friend. As he noticed Chibs' glance, he raised his eyebrows. "Why you lookin' at me? I won't mind if he's out."

Tig chuckled. "Is your little bromance starting to bore him?"

Juice huffed without saying anything, his face was tensed. Chibs frowned – yesterday that kid had marched across a minefield without caring about his life, only because he had believed that Shane was dead. That same night there must have been a heated fight, he even got the feeling that Juice didn't  _want_ his friend to get his patch to keep him safe in the future. 

"He just needs a short leash. Kozik gave him way too much freedom, he wasn't even around the past weeks," Chibs said. 

"Agreed," Clay said. "He's a good asset. I wanna keep him close. Without that kid we would've lost a brother yesterday."

Jax glanced at the others. Happy shrugged and Bobby nodded. "Then he needs another sponsor."

A depressing silence fell. They all knew that Kozik would lose his patch now he could never ride again. 

"Lemme do it," Chibs said.

Jax was already keeping an eye on Rat and Bobby and Tig were also training a prospect right now. A few years had passed since he had guided Juice, he felt that he was the right person to take over Kozik's job. 

The others seemed to be fine with it.

"I go the hospital," Happy said and he stood up, where after they all filed out.

Before Juice could walk away, Chibs grabbed his elbow and looked at him. "We need to talk."

He got a heated glare in return. Juice tore away his arm, but he followed him without complaining.

* * *

Juice knew this conversation would be about Alex and right now he  _really_ wasn't in the mood to talk about her. Just like last time she'd freaked out, he had hoped that she would send him a text once she had come to her senses, but this morning he hadn't heard anything from her and it made him even more angry. Moreover, the words Mila had spoken kept racing through his head; that she needed him, even when she refused to admit it. But  _how?_ How could he be there for her if she shut him out? If all she could see, were the things that he did wrong? If the fact that he loved her wasn't enough for her – then what was? Should he forgive her time and again, even when she didn't do the same? 

"What's goin' on lad?" Chibs asked as they had retired to a room. The man leaned against the table and gave him a questioning look.

Sighing, Juice shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't expected that  _he_ would be the subject of their talk, even though Chibs always sensed when he felt like shit. "Nothing," he muttered. "Just had a rough day yesterday."

He felt Chibs' scorching gaze on his face. "There's more. Why did ye suggest tha Shane should leave?"

Juice sat down next to him at the table and shoved his hands into his pockets. "He's reckless."

"And you aren't?" Chibs asked, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "Ye walked through a minefield blindly. Thought you'd be happier now he's still alive."

Juice dropped his eyes. The truth was burning on his lips. It felt like he was about to burst, he had the feeling that he had to unleash  _something_ before the whole truth would pop like a cork.

"It'll pass," he muttered. "We broke up yesterday. That's why I feel like shit." His muscles tensed; he knew Alex wouldn't be happy that he was telling this to Chibs, but at the same time he was done with the fact that it was all about what  _she_ wanted that  _his_ friends knew about them. 

"Broke up?" He heard the surprise in Chibs' voice. "Didn't know there was something... serious between the two of ye. Thought he was with the lass."

"No," Juice sighed. "He broke up with her to be with me, around two weeks ago." It took a lot of concentration to refer to Alex as a man, but he didn't plan to make the same mistake as the day before. "He didn't want anyone to know about it, he's afraid that it looks like he's blowing his way into the club."

"But you don't wanna hide?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what to answer.

"That the reason of yer fight?"

He stared at his shoes. Would Chibs know what to do? In most cases he did... "He's not okay. He pretends he is, but I know he feels miserable. But every time I'm tryin' to get him to talk, he gets mad."

"Well Juicy..." Chibs laid a hand on his neck and squeezed. "Not every man feels the need to... talk a lot, about things. Ye think al yer brothers bare their souls to their lovers? Some of us need tha, there's nothin' wrong with tha, but we're not all the same."

Frustrated, Juice gritted his teeth. But Alex was no man. And she  _did_ need it. 

"I know him. I see how he changes."

Chibs was silent for a while. "What changes him? Ye think he can't handle the stress?"

Juice bent his head and massaged his temples. Should he tell his friend? She would probably strangle him. But they'd broken up anyway and she really needed help. Maybe Chibs  _would_ somehow find a way to help her.

"He's been raped. By Miles. The night the brick was stolen."

Chibs cursed and Juice squeezed his eyes for a moment. "Why does nobody know that?"

"Why do you think?" Juice asked quietly. "Would you want everyone to know? For a woman it's horrible, but for a man... it's even more humiliating."

Somehow he had the feeling that Alex was raped twice, as Alex  _and_ as Shane. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe both parts of her personality needed to deal with it in a different way. A shiver crept down his spine – it almost sounded like she was mentally ill. Was this how a multiple personality disorder developed? He knew nothing about that shit, but he had a feeling that Shane was the reason why Alex couldn't deal with her trauma. Because he had to be that indisputable prospect.

"Bloody hell, Juicy. Is that why it ain't working between the two of ye? Ye call up memories when you two... do yer thing?"

"No," he muttered. "I worried a lot about that so I was always really careful." He felt his cheeks flame up at the thought that he had just admitted that he had had sex with a man, but Chibs didn't seem to care. "Apart from that outburst with Jax, he is always very calm around the club, but at home..." He sighed deeply, not knowing how he should present the problem in a way that Chibs would understand. "He is just like me. Can get totally lost in his thoughts. You know I need someone to help me sort them out and he needs that too, but he's shutting me out now and he doesn't wanna talk about anything anymore. All he wants is..." He sighed, shrugging his shoulder. "What most men want when they're frustrated. It just... doesn't work for me that way. If that's all I'm good for."

Juice clenched his jaws. Damn, he really sounded like a girl now. 

"I'll go to him in a minute, to check up on him and to tell him that I'm his new sponsor. I'll have a good talk with the kid."

Startled, Juice looked up. "He can't know. That I told you about Miles. He won't even look at me anymore."

Chibs held his glance for a while. "Ye think he'll last if he doesn't open up to somebody?"

Juice bent his head. "Don't think so," he muttered. 

"Then you leave me no choice lad. I gotta try somethin', he's my responsibility now." Chibs squeezed his shoulder. "You did a good thing, son, sharing this. Maybe you're just too close to him. Maybe he'll find it easier to pour out his heart to an old goat like me than to the guy he's having a crush on. It's like you said – humiliating. Maybe he feels ashamed because he lacked the strength to stop Miles."

With a sigh, Juice kept his thoughts to himself. He didn't believe it was shame that was convincing Alex to keep her mouth shut, but considering the story he had just told Chibs, it was a plausible assumption and he had no idea how to disprove it. 

Maybe he should let it go. He had done everything he could – when they were still together and now, after their break-up. She didn't want to confide in him, so probably it was for the best if he left it to someone else. Just like Mila had done.

 


	55. Love and Hate

Alex was lying on the couch and watching a tv show as the doorbell rang. Sighing, she pulled the hood over her head. She really wasn't in the mood for visitors. She just wanted to be left alone for a while – whoever it would be; it would probably lead to discussions anyway. Grunting she stood up and peeked outside through a side window.

Relief spread through her veins as she saw Chibs. By reflex she touched her breasts. The fabric of her hoodie was thick enough to hide them, so she dragged herself towards the door and opened it.

"Aye, how ya doin'?" Chibs asked. 

"I'm fine." There was an uneasy feeling in her stomach. "Any news about Koz?"

"Not yet."

A little awkwardly Alex scratched her neck as Chibs kept staring at her. What was going on? What the hell was he doing here? Just checking up on her? 

"Ye gonna invite me in?"

She shrugged her shoulders.  _I'd rather not._ Still she turned around and limped back to the living room. "You should get yourself a coffee if you want one." She sat down on the couch.

"Nah, I'm fine." His eyes fluttered through the room. For some reason he was getting on her nerves; it felt like he was trying to figure something out. 

After he finally sat down on a chair that was opposed to the couch, he gave her an intrusive look. "I'm takin' ye over from Kozik, so I'll be yer sponsor for the next months."

Alex nodded slowly. She hadn't thought about her future with the Sons yet, but this was a logical outcome. Kozik would go rehab – if he survived at all. Chibs would be a great sponsor, there was no doubt about that, and at least they'd had some good talks in the past. "Okay."

There was something surveying about his glance, still giving her that uneasy feeling. For once in her life she didn't ask him what the hell was going on; instead she just waited.

"Some of us were, so to say,  _displeased_ by your behavior of yesterday."

Alex didn't look away. "I would do it again if I had to."

"Aye, ye made that perfectly clear yesterday," he answered, getting prickly. "We decided to overlook that disobedience 'cause you saved Kozik's life – or at least tried to. But this is an exception, Shane. Next time ye disobey one of us, yer out."

Alex had to keep herself from snorting dismissively, and reluctantly she nodded. She had no choice. Apparently she had to be happy with this second chance. 

"Good. Now here's yer first job: talk to someone."

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. 

"Yer a walkin' bomb. You gotta vent. I don't care who ye will talk to; me or Juicy, but..."

"This is comin' from Juice, huh?" she reacted annoyed. "That fucking asshole. I don't need to talk to anyone."

"Yea ye do, Shane. I trust my brother's insight. He knows ye better than anyone of us, would be stupid to ignore his advice." He leaned back in the chair, spreading his hands. "So it's up to you. Ye talk to Juice or me."

"Got nothin' to tell you man," she insisted stubbornly. 

Chibs held her glance, not impressed by her words. "The warehouse could be a start. Juice told me what happened; how it changed ye and that yer short-tempered 'cause you can't deal with the shite."

Alex felt ice cold. Was he talking about Miles now? No – why the hell would Juice have told him that? That was bullshit. "Have no idea what you're talkin' about."

Chibs stood up. "I'm not gonna train a prospect who's lyin' to me, keepin' things from me and disobeyin' me. Ye tell 'bout yer shite to me or to Juice before tomorrow morning or yer out. It's that simple."

A few seconds later the door slammed shut. With a sigh Alex leaned back.  _What a mess. What a fucking mess._ Juice was the only one she  _could_ talk to and he knew that damn well. 

– _What kind of dick move is this???_ she texted him, her jaws clenched. 

He didn't reply. No apology, no outburst – nothing at all. 

And while time drizzled on, it became harder and harder to breathe. Chibs wasn't joking: if she couldn't convince Juice to help her out, they would kick her out tomorrow. Biting on her knuckles, she sent him another text around dinner time. 

– _Can you come over?_

This time the screen did light up.  _– Why?_

Her fingers floated above the letters. What should she say? The truth, she decided. He would know if she didn't anyway.  _– They kick me out if I don't talk to anyone before tomorrow._

_– Not my problem._

Alex cursed. Instead of answering, she called him. He however ignored her. The way he was treating her right now, caused a cramping feeling in her chest, even though she knew she had deserved it. Sighing, she made another attempt.  _– Please?_

No answer came. Frustrated, she dropped her phone next to her on the couch. Should she go to Chibs now? She didn't believe it was very useful. There were so many things she couldn't tell him and he would sense that she was keeping things from him. 

For a long time Alex laid on the couch. She wasn't hungry, so she skipped dinner and stared at the ceiling until she fell asleep and was awakened by the door bell. First she touched for her phone, but nobody had sent her a message. She shuffled towards the door. Even with the prospect that it would hurt to confront her pain, she hoped it was Juice and that he hadn't sent Chibs. 

She opened the door.

There she found him; hands deep into his pockets and without the sparkle that was usually in his eyes. There neither was a teasing grin – only a cold glance. Unconsciously she wondered if she had glared so hatefully at him too, yesterday. She however knew the answer. She had even wished him death. Dropping her eyes, she turned around and led him to the living room. While she was sitting down on the couch, he kept standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame, clearly keeping his distance. 

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly. She hated the vibration in her voice, it made her feel weak – but she knew she had to pull through if she still wanted to wear a cut tomorrow.

"Thought you didn't give a fuck about whether I hated or loved you?" 

She suppressed a sigh. He wouldn't show her an easy way out. "Yesterday I didn't. Now I do." She didn't look at him, she found it damn hard to formulate an apology. "I don't know what to say Juice," she sighed eventually. "I don't think I said  _one_ thing to you yesterday that I don't regret. I was just – a mess, okay? I could have snarled that at everyone."

She looked up to him. Still he was leaning against the doorway, almost unmoved as it seemed. He was done with it, she realized. His patience had reached its limits.

"It feels like l have forgotten how it works," she said after a long silence. "A relationship." She searched for words. More than anything she just want to forget about the subject for it made her feel vulnerable, but she had to open up to him. There however were no words, only feelings of regret and shame. Briefly, she wiped her eyes. "You meant what you said?" she asked with a lump in her throat. "Do you love me?"

"I did before you told me I should have hanged myself."

She sighed. She had hurt him – she had hurt him deeply. With gritted teeth because of the pain in her leg she stood up and limped towards him. In front of him, she stood still. Instead of looking up to him, she took his hand and caressed his fingers, causing him to hold his breath. For a while she only stared at their fingers, until the words finally reached her lips. 

"Do you remember the time you asked me if I really wanted you? Despite the fact that you believed that you were a coward, a failure?" She looked up to him. His face was tensed, as if he was preparing himself for another berating. "I wanted you. I still want you. But this time, I'm the coward. I'm trying to keep this relationship shallow because that's when I feel best, because I don't dare to be vulnerable around you. Around anyone." She took a deep breath. His eyes softened a bit, encouraging her to continue. "I'm scared, okay? I'm scared of the cesspit that's called my feelings. I'm afraid for how it will affect me mentally; I fear that I will break, that I won't be able to pull myself together again, that I – turn into someone I don't wanna be. This time... this time I am the coward." She felt his fingers tense and she knew what he was thinking. "Yes, I tell you this because I will lose my patch if I don't. But I also tell you this because... because I don't wanna lose you." A tear dripped down her cheek. "Juice, if I'm completely honest with you, I want to give you up. I want you to find a girl who isn't as fucked up as I am. You don't deserve this shit, all those things I snap at you when I'm angry – I just can't control it. Someone else will p..."

"I don't want anyone else." It was the first thing he said since a long time and the intensity of his voice chased shivers down her spine. He laid a hand against her cheek. "I meant what I said. I love you. I love that guy whose first joint I rolled, I love that cow girl that gave me a lapdance, I love that chick who turned me on like crazy in the porn studio... I even love that spitfire who wants to jump my bones when I'm mad. You're the hottest girl I've ever met – but like I told you yesterday; I want more than... the physical stuff. I wanna be there for you, I want a relationship without shame in which we can be complete honest with each other. I don't want your body alone... I want all of you. It's all or nothing."

Alex closed her eyes for a moment. Still she found it hard, but she couldn't back down. Not only because she would lose her patch, also because she didn't want to lose him. "I want to give you everything. But I – I do think I need help with that. That I have to take little steps."

His arms glided around her and he pulled her close. "Then allow me to help you, Alex."

Her heart swelled as he held her tight, tears filling her eyes. She needed him. She needed him so much and she had almost lost him. "Juice..." she said quietly, her lips bending into a nervous smile. Quickly she blinked away the tears, looking up into those beautiful brown eyes. "I love you too. And I'm sorry t–"

"Ssh, now don't ruin the moment," he said with a crooked smile. "You love me. That's all I wanna hear right now." The sparkle in his eyes returned. Suddenly he lifted her, took a few steps and laid her down on the couch. Leaning over her, he kissed her – and for a moment nothing else mattered anymore; nothing but his lips on hers, his fingers gliding across her skin and his breathing merging with hers. 

This time there was no doubt. She loved him. She wanted him.


	56. Acceptance

The kiss quickly resulted in something hotter. Alex pulled her hoodie over her head, his shirt followed and a moment later he had taken off her bra and were his lips wandering across every inch of those beautiful breasts of hers. When she however started to unbutton his pants, he realized they were heading for an intimate act and not an intimate conversation again. 

"Alex..." he said, hesitating.

As she looked up, he saw the disappointment in her eyes. He didn't know what she was thinking  – did she find him irresistible or was she just trying to avoid a conversation again? 

Sighing, she pulled back her hands. "You wanna talk?"

"You were the one who wanted to talk, right? You texted me..."

"Yeah," she muttered. "Chibs left me no choice. Had to confide in you or him." Her tone changed, became fiercer. "Did you really tell him about Miles?"

He had known that question was to come, causing a tightness in his chest. What if she got mad again? Although he was relieved that she had apologized and that she had even admitted that she loved him too, he was still a bit skeptical. These things wouldn't change her behavior in the blink of an eye. In an attempt to keep her calm, he laid an arm around her waist and turned her so she was lying with her back against his chest. Pressing a kiss to her shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her, settling one hand on her stomach and the other around her breast.

"I was mad at you and it didn't take long before Chibs saw through me. We talked about... us. I told him that we were in a relationship for two weeks and that we broke up yesterday."

He felt the muscles in her arms tense, although she didn't say a word. 

"I know you would disagree. But honestly... at that moment I didn't care  – I  _did_ feel the need to share my concerns with someone and I was done with shoving my own feelings away the whole time. I love you Alex  – but I'm also worried about you. Because you don't talk. Because I see you change into something... cold while you're shutting everyone out. If I couldn't get through to you, I hoped that Chibs would. So when I told Chibs that you were changing, he asked if it was because of all the violence and then I told him the truth. That Miles raped you."

Her heavy breathing showed him her anger  – or maybe it was her powerlessness. Again he kissed her shoulder and stroked her skin with his thumbs, hoping his touches would cool off her anger a bit. 

For a long time she was silent. Juice gave her some room to think about it  – as long as she wasn't raving he considered this as progress. 

"How did he respond?"

"He cursed. Asked why nobody knew about it and then I told him it was humiliating. He understood."

Another silence fell. Still he was the one who was talking. 

"What's going through your mind?" he carefully tried to push her. 

She let out a cynical laugh. "You sound like a shrink man."

"And you sound like a teenager hitting puberty," he shot back. 

Over her shoulder, she looked at him. "Fair enough." A brief smile crossed her lips, then she snuggled up to him again. Relieved, he let go of the tension. 

"I think... it's okay. My first instinct was to punch you in the face, but now the indignation slipped away, I get you. I can imagine you didn't know what to do anymore after our last fight. I'm not stupid, deep down I know I'm not okay. But ignoring all the crap... it worked for me. For a while."

"Yeah, did it really work?" he asked quietly. "Yelling at your boyfriend that he should have hanged himself doesn't sound really... normal."

"That's the problem," she sighed. "Hurting others, pushing them away so I can hide my true feelings... it's therapeutic. But you're right, it only destroys relationships. Friendships, us... But the moment I feel like shit, it's a solution. Even though it's a stupid one." Her finger tips glided up and down his arm and she turned her head a little so her cheek was leaning against his chest.

"I don't know what to do now Juice," she said after a while. "What you expect from me. When I have told you enough. How I... should talk about things I don't wanna talk about. Or simply  _can't_ talk about."

"I think you're making it bigger than it needs to be. We don't have to force you to do anything... but you should try to open up."

"Yeah but how? What do you want to know? How many times he fucked me? What position? How it felt when... when..." She breathed in sharply, her voice sounding shaky. "What good will it do if you know these things? I just wanna forget about it."

"But you won't be able to forget about it before you've made peace with it."

She jumped up so wildly that her head hit his jaw. Reflexively, he grabbed his chin that was plagued by a stinging pain. "Making peace with it?! How can I ever make peace with this?!" She turned towards him, her eyes blurred with tears. 

He pressed his lips together. It hurt him to see her like this, and he had no answers. He had no idea how someone dealt with a trauma like that – how someone dealt with a trauma at all, and she had so many of them...

"I think... that you have to find a way to accept what he did to you. And that talking... helps with that acceptance. Maybe these strong emotions will level off when you... relive it."

"Reliving it really is the last thing I want," she grunted.

"That goes for everyone with a trauma, Alex. Everyone has to battle through it." He raised himself until he was sitting on his knees and wrapped his arms around her waist. His face was close to hers and he gave her an intrusive look. "You are unbelievably strong, Alex. Also mentally. You're a fighter, and I know you will pull out all the stops to prevent Miles from leaving his mark on your life. Maybe you will cry, maybe you will be furious... but all these emotions, they need to come out. And you don't have to do it all alone. I will hold you when you cry and you can bruise my ribs if that gives you relief. And you don't have to do it now, or today. Just tell me when flashbacks are plaguing you, when you feel anger or fear, and please, please let me know when I do something you don't like. I – I still find it hard to make love to you. Because it all seems to go well –  but I have no idea if you're honest with me and I just can't imagine that being intimate with someone  _doesn't_ trigger memories."

"It doesn't, Juice." She caressed his cheek. "Somehow I'm in some kind of cocoon when you're with me, when you... love me, keeping all these painful memories away. Like there's some defense mechanism inside me that turns on the moment I wear no clothes." She showed him a small smirk, then her face became serious again. "There are other moments that I'm reminded of what he did. When I'm not counting on it, the moment I let my guard down – mostly when I'm alone, or emotional, like this morning."

She looked up to him, he saw the hesitation in her eyes. 

"What happens at moments like these?"

She looked away. Gently, he laid his hand against her cheek and turned her face back. "There is nothing to feel ashamed of, Alex. Do you feel powerless? Does it feel like... it's happening to you again?"

"Usually... it's a sudden anxiety. Then I have the feeling that he's standing behind me, that I can feel his breathing in my nek. Like... a ghost."

"Do you believe in ghosts?" 

She scowled at him, but he shrugged his shoulders. 

"I do, I think. It's not that weird."

"No," she said. "I don't believe in ghosts. I know it's something psychological, that he isn't really there, but right at that moment it doesn't feel any less real. Sometimes I see images, of... that night. But I can push these away, and I just can't get rid off that presence I seem to feel. It feels like some darkness is clinging to my flesh all the time, influencing me in everything I do."

"Yeah, sometimes I feel that darkness when we're in a fight," he admitted. "That's these emotions you're blocking, I guess. Your anger. Your powerlessness. Your fear. Sometimes... they control you. And as long as you can't let go of them, you can neither let go of  _him_."

"But how am I supposed to let them go? Should I just have a good cry, beat some people up?"

"Think that leads us back to that acceptance." He kissed her forehead. "I'm not a therapist. I... just say to you what my heart tells me."

Her hand glided to his chest, settling above his heart. "The that's one wise heart you got there."

He smirked. "Yeah, full with love. For you." His lips stroked hers. "And love conquers all, isn't that what they say?"

"In fairy tales."

"Isn't our life like a fairly tale?"

She gently bit his lower lip. "Prince Charming falling in love with a prince who's turning out to be a princess?"

"Very modern," he laughed softly. 

She caught his glance. "Juice?"

He raised his eyebrows questioning. 

"I love you. And I'm gonna show you how much." She pushed him with his back on the couch, started to kiss his neck and from there her way down. 

This time he didn't stop her when she unbuttoned his pants.


	57. Too Much

The smell of bacon filled the kitchen. Actually he was running late and should head for the clubhouse soon, but because he knew that Alex usually only took a quick bite, he had decided to make eggs while she was showering. His brothers would manage a few more minutes without him. His phone was dead and on the charger, but the chance that they needed him right now was negligible. 

Satisfied, he thought back to the day before. The first steps were taken. There were still lots of things they needed to talk about, but at least she had shown him a glimpse of what was going on in her head and she had convinced him in an unforgettable way that she didn't want to lose him. Automatically his eyes shot to the couch where they had merged the day before. For a moment he could feel her hot breathing ghosting his ear as she whispered words that still made the heat rise to his cheeks.

The doorbell pulled him out of the pleasant memory. Frowning, Juice turned down the heat and walked to the front door. As far as he knew visitors were rare, so there was a big chance it was club related. He didn't know if she would be mad at him for opening the door, but she was still showering and he wasn't going to hide behind a couch or something. 

He swung open the door, meeting Chibs' surprised face. Although Chibs was his only brother who already knew about Shane and him, he still felt a bit awkward.

"Uh, hi," Juice muttered. "Um, Alex is showering."

He froze.  _Fuck._

Chibs raised an eyebrow. "Alex?"

"Uh, Shane," he said quickly. "Alex is his middle name," he lied, glad it was an unisex name. "He uh, likes to be called that way outside the club. Makes it easier for him to uh, you know, let go of the part of him that doesn't wanna be gay." 

Man, this sounded so stupid.

"He uh, he calls me Juan." Feeling more and more awkward with every minute passing by, he shrugged his shoulders. "He's not a big fan of other pet names."

Chibs chuckled, slapping his shoulder and walking past him to enter the house. "Sounds very exciting kid. Well, guess I wait until he's done showering."

Juice nodded blankly, following him into the living room. His intestines seemed to squirm. He had to warn Alex that Chibs was here, wishing they had set up some kind of signal for moments like this – knocking three times at the bathroom door or something. Especially because Alex had a habit of walking into the living room after showering; naked, or only with a towel or wearing her lingerie, so he could feel her female body one more time before she became Shane, being  _off limits_ for the rest of the day. 

"I'll tell him you're here," Juice muttered, about to go to the bathroom. 

Chibs however laid an arm around his shoulders. "Nah, can't take that long. With that bandage on his leg he can rinse off a bit at most. So eh... I guess the two of ye are back in paradise? My threat had impact on the lad?" He lifted the corner of his mouth. 

"Yeah... We talked. Not about everything, but it's a start." Nervously he looked over his shoulder as the shower was turned off. "So eh, everything okay?" he asked in a loud voice, hoping to alarm Alex that there was someone else around. 

"Nah, not really, I'll tell you when the lad's here. Not in the mood to do it twice."

His answer was so unexpected that he didn't know how to react – which was stupid since he had wanted to warn Alex with his voice. "Uh, nothing too bad I hope?" Suddenly it felt like he had swallowed a stone. "Kozik... Kozik ain't dead, right?!"

"Aye, calm down son. He's fine. Ye don't have to yell, I'm right next to ye."

Fuck, this really wasn't his strong suit. "Sorry uh, I'm just worried." Again he glanced nervously at the hallway. If she would leave the bathroom now, Chibs would undoubtedly see her. "You uh, you already had breakfast? I made eggs. Oh shit, they're probably burnt by now." Quickly he walked into the kitchen, hoping Chibs would follow him. As he stirred the scrambled eggs he noted that it wasn't that bad, although the bacon was a bit too dark. 

"Juicy... are ye a'right?" Chibs had came to stand next to him, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Did ye really talk last night or did he convince ye to pretend ye did."

A drop of sweat glided down his neck. Suspicion was radiating from Chibs' face and right at that moment he realized that Chibs was the worst possible sponsor Alex could have wished for. He was way too observant, was too skilled in reading people. Could he have done something about it? Should he have promoted himself as a sponsor? He had never trained anyone; his level was the lowest after the prospects, but maybe being a sponsor might have changed that. Once should be his first time, right? It probably wouldn't have done any good to their relationship if she was  _obliged_ to obey him, but at least it would have given him some peace.

"Uh yea," he said as he noticed that Chibs was still studying his face. "I uh, I'm just tired." He tried to show him a meaningful grin, but his lips were quivering. "Steamy night."

"With that injured leg?" Chibs asked skeptically. 

"Yeah he uh, he says pain is turnin' him on." Juice squeezed his eyes, suddenly feeling ashamed, although it wasn't even a lie. It was something he had indeed discovered last night; when riding him she had led his fingers to the wound, pressing the tips into the bandage every time he hit the right spot, somehow making her even hornier. 

At first he hadn't really known what to do with it. Even though he was quite skilled when it came down to sex, hurting his partner purposely had been something new. Alex however had explained to him that all her nerves were sensitive because of the pain, making her more aware of every touch, making her enjoy the sex more. And since being buried deep inside her had made it difficult for him to keep a discussion going he had put the subject to rest.

When he looked up to his brother again there was no judgement in his eyes – he rather seemed worried. "Did ye two talk about that? I know this is new for the both of ye and that ye need time to find out what works, but especially now's he's shuttin' ye out emotionally..."

"Yeah we talked about it," he interrupted his friend a little agitated. The man should know he would never intentionally hurt his partner if he hadn't known for sure that she wanted it. "We were just experimentin'. It ain't like I'm gonna buy a whip now."

"He might," Chibs chuckled. He squeezed Juice's shoulder. "Okay boy-o. As long as the two of ye can work next day, I trust yer expertise." He turned away from Juice, walked towards the bathroom and pounded on the door. "Yo lad, hurry up! Got more to do today!"

Relieved, Juice took a deep breath as the fear that Alex would enter the room naked subsided. 

* * *

Only a few minutes later Alex joined them in the kitchen, her shirt showing her flat chest and her baggy jeans hiding her round ass. 

"Hey." Alex gave her sponsor a handshake and briefly glanced at Juice. She clearly didn't feel comfortable and that wasn't because of Chibs – it was because he was still around. Knowing he shouldn't count on any form of affection right now, he turned towards the pans and shoved the contents on two plates. After pouring coffee for the three of them, he sat down at the dinner table with the others. 

"I'm here to share some news," Chibs said. "With the both of ye, since yer not pickin' up yer phone." He gave Juice a disapproving look. 

"Burner was dead," he muttered, knowing that was the worst excuse he could give.

"I'll start with the good news: Kozik's life is no longer in danger"

"Oh god. I'm so happy to hear that!"

Alex sounded so relieved that she wasn't paying attention to her voice. Nervously his eyes flashed towards Chibs, but he didn't seem to notice.

"That's good to hear," Juice nodded. "And the bad news?"

Chibs looked from Juice to Alex. Juice felt a nasty knot in his stomach; the news was really bad, he could feel it. Underneath the table he reached for Alex's hand, but the moment he touched her fingers she pulled them away. Trying to swallow the disappointment, he aimed his attention at Chibs.

"Piney was found dead in the cabin yesterday. He died a few days ago – Lobo Sonora left their signature."

Juice's eyes widened. "Oh shit man..." A cold shiver crept down his spine, knowing it could have been himself or Alex too. After all, this was the reason why they had practically lived together since they had admitted their feelings. Now they had blown up the cartel that danger was luckily passed, but still...

"Jeez," Alex said, clearly distraught. 

Chibs nodded slowly. "Opie cremated him last night."

That news came unexpected. Piney had been one of the founders of the club and now he had just been burned... in silence? Without a goodbye? It felt wrong – something he had never expected from his brothers, from his family. He assumed that Opie knew how his father had wanted his funeral, so all he could do was make peace with it.

With a sigh, Chibs diverted the attention back to him. "There's more. There was another shooting at the garage, probably black. Clay's hit a few times, he's on the ICU. We don't know if he'll make it."

Alex cursed so rudely that Juice jumped up. Leaning with her elbows on the table, she buried her face in her hands. "Does this ever stop? This is fucking mess man!"

Juice couldn't get his mind around it. Piney was dead... Clay was shot... And all that while Kozik had stepped on a landmine only two days ago. It was too much – for him, and also for her.

"Hey," he said softly, laying a hand between her shoulders. 

She however shook off his hand. "Fuck off."

A little desperately he looked at Chibs, who seemed to get the hint and stood up. "Take a few days off, Shane," Chibs said, placing a hand on her shoulder before he headed for the door.

Juice walked with him, an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He didn't know if she was responding so distantly because Chibs was around or that she was shutting him out again.

"I hope that you're the reason he's so distant," Juice muttered as Chibs opened the front door. 

"Lemme know, Juicy. Gotta know if he's gonna bottle this up again or that ye can help him sort things out. A walking bomb is the last thing we need right now."

Juice nodded and watched him leave. Then he leaned against the door, sighing. He really wasn't looking forward to return to the living room, to be rejected by her again – to discover that their last conversation hadn't changed anything.


	58. Tears of the Brave

Against her better judgement, Alex hoped that Juice had left the house when the door was closed. She just wanted to be alone for a while, she had to process the things that had just been said. Piney was dead. She hadn't been close with the man - all she had seen him do was drinking and grumbling - but she knew him longer than most of the men. Once more she realized how fucked up all of this was. She was used to her life being in danger ‒ but in the past the danger had only been lurking when they were on a mission, when they were on hostile grounds. Piney however was murdered in his own house. And Clay... he was hit in front of his own garage, in front of his own clubhouse. Just as happened to her, a few weeks ago ‒ but back then she had believed it was an incident. As it seemed, it was turning into a habit now. 

As she heard the door to the living room open, she gritted her teeth. Great. He was still around. She didn't look aside when he sat down next to her. Contrary to earlier today, he didn't touch her. Grimly, she stared forward. 

"You want a joint?"

The offer came so out of the blue that she raised her eyebrows ‒ although it wasn't a weird suggestion at all. It wasn't the first time they would smoke pot when something was bothering them. 

"You gotta go to the hospital soon."

He shrugged his shoulders. "We can share one."

Alex couldn't think of a reason to disagree. "Fine."

His face was blank when he took a baggy of pot out of his pocket and started to roll a joint. For a while she observed him, realizing that he had known Piney for years. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. Focusing on his feelings was still easier than confronting her own. 

"No."

She didn't know what to answer. Having deep conversations with him had never been difficult, and a few weeks ago she had undoubtedly known what to say to him, but right now she couldn't think of a single comforting word and the silence was cutting her soul. 

When the joint was rolled, Juice walked outside in silence, sitting down on a garden chair ‒ the same one where he had been sitting when she had shut him out. Literally, that time. Now she was doing the same figuratively speaking. She knew it damn well, but it was just fucking hard to change it. Therefore she didn't follow him immediately, but kept sitting at the table. His coldness was getting on her nerves just as much as his clingy behavior and she wasn't sure what was more disturbing. Part of her wanted to be alone, wanted to cut herself off from everything and everyone, shoving the things she had just heard to a far corner in her mind where it wasn't bothering her and just move on, acting like nothing had happened. Deep down she however knew she would not only lose Juice that way, but also the club. And still... still it was so tempting, so easy to do it in her own way.

Eventually she stood up and headed outside. Instead of sitting down on the chair next to him, she glided on his lap. Although she didn't think he would push her away ‒ that was rather something she would do ‒ she didn't know what response to expect. When he wrapped an arm around her waist she felt remarkably relieved, making her relax a little. He lifted his right hand, encouraging her to take the joint. She took the cigarette from between his fingers, taking a drag. Breathing in deeply, she closed her eyes, resting with the back of her head against his shoulder.

For a long time she stared forward in silence. Her head was pounding, her breathing stuck in her throat. When the joint was finished, Juice wrapped his other arm around her as well, holding her tight. 

A tear was tickling the corner of her eye. She didn't know what was the cause; what had happened to Clay and Piney or the fact that there was someone who was holding her right now, who wanted to be with her, even when she was a total bitch. 

"At least Kozik's life is no longer in danger," Juice said after a while. "That's something good..."

"Yeah..." She sighed, hesitated and forced herself to speak out her thoughts. "I had actually accepted the idea that he would die. That I had made him suffer for nothing."

"Well... fortunately you're wrong sometimes." 

She shivered as his lips softly pressed against the muscle in her neck. He sounded calm ‒ he  _felt_ calm. Within her raged so many emotions that she wanted to tear her chest open to let them out. Should she say that to him? Was that the openness he was longing for? But it was precisely the fact that he looked so stable, while it had been the opposite in the past, what gave her the feeling that she was overreacting. 

"I'm glad you're with me," she said eventually. That was also true ‒ and it was easier to admit. She had thought different about it when Chibs had been in her house, not knowing how gay-Shane should behave. Before her sponsor had shown up, she had wanted him to believe that Juice and she were done, but maybe it was better this way. She was keeping enough secrets from him and he had already shown her that he wasn't too font of secrets. The other Sons however didn't need to know; she didn't want Juice and her to show their affection in public. He had slipped up her real name once, she was sure it would happen again when the lines between Alex and Shane where getting thinner and thinner. 

"I'm glad to hear that. I honestly thought you would push me away again." He strengthened his grasp around her, letting his chin rest on her shoulder.

"That was my first instinct," she admitted. "I hoped that you had left. Then I'd probably kicked the table, hurt my leg and made the pain and the news disappear with a bottle of scotch. So yeah, you did well, giving me some room."

His lips grazed her jaw. "We'll figure this out," he said in a light tone. 

Closing her eyes, she leaned in to him. His arms around her felt nice, even though it also caused a feeling of vulnerability which she hated. 

"I find it... hard. What happened to Piney. And that he is already cremated, without a ceremony, without his brothers around him. The last funeral had been much bigger. And that wasn't even the founder of the club, but a..." He swallowed his words. 

"But a prospect," she completed his sentence bitterly, knowing he was talking about her brother's funeral. 

"That was a beautiful goodbye," he continued. "With lots of people, many Sons..."

Alex dropped her eyes. She didn't know if she was relieved that he talked about it or that she hated it. "What did his coffin look like?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"Black, shiny... With SAMCRO written on the side in white. There was a picture frame on top with a photo from his time in the army."

Alex's lips started to quiver. She tried to picture it; all those men together, the croweaters with whom he had slept... but she hadn't been there. Not a single family member had been there. "You must have thought that I was a horrible sister, for not showing up at the funeral of my little brother."

"I can't remember if anyone mentioned you." Slowly, he retreated his arm to her side, gently stroking his hand up and down. "We're all from broken families. Most of us haven't spoken to their siblings in years, I don't think anyone noticed you weren't there. And I think he told us you were in the army. Maybe we should have thought about that, so we could have waited for your return. But it was all organized by the club, and those were such chaotic days. It was a mess, just like it is now. Abel was just kidnapped and most of us had fourteen months of prison hanging over their heads... But we did sew his top rocker to his cut. I don't know if someone already told you that?"

Alex shook her head. "No," she muttered. "I barely talked about it with anyone, I was always afraid to break." Right now, she also felt the tears stinging her eyes. "Tara only told me how he died. With a little more detail."

Taking a deep breath, she tried to man up. Still a tear glided down her cheek. As soon as she wanted to wipe it away, his fingers folded around her hand. 

"Don't try to stop it," he said softly. "It's okay to mourn. You will feel relieved, trust me."

She shook her head and tried to stand up, to break away from his embrace, trying to keep him from seeing her tears but he only pulled her closer. 

"You don't have to feel ashamed for tears like this, Alex. Believe me. You have to let go of them."

"I don't have to do anything!" she snapped before she realized it. "Let me go! Let me fucking go Juice!" Her voice cracked, and suddenly all her limbs felt heavy; it felt like all energy was drained away.

And then her shoulders started to shake, tears pushed themselves between her eyelashes and all she could do right now, was sob. Juice turned her on his lap so she was sitting sideways; then he pulled her close, with her cheek against his chest.

"It's okay," he said in a soothing voice, kissing the shaved part of her head. "Every tear is a piece of your grieving process. It's a little bit of strength because you're finally brave enough to face your pain."

Clutching his shirt between her fingers, she leaned against him, still crying. In her head she kept repeating his words, adding her own encouragements to it.  _I'm not weak. It's okay to cry. It will make me stronger._

 


	59. Roommates

Alex had no idea how long they were sitting like this. Exhausted, she leaned against Juice. Her throat felt sore, her eyes were stinging because of the many tears. But she had done it – she had pushed away all reserve, had broken completely and now she felt weak and nauseous. After a long time she turned towards Juice. In silence he studied her face, as if he wanted to judge if she had cried enough. 

"You brought up Kip's funeral on purpose, huh?"

Guilt-ridden, he looked at her, nodding. "I had the feeling you needed a little push in the right direction."

She sighed. If it had really been the right direction, remained to be seen. Even though her throat still felt painful and the skin on her cheeks was heated, she laid a hand against his jaw and kissed him softly – more tender than she had ever done before. Usually their kisses were passionate, making her forget about everything; this one however was fragile and she was very aware of her pain. It felt like a way to make him feel what she was feeling; some new form of intimacy. 

That it was more than her imagination alone, became clear when a tear fell on her thumb. Hesitating, she looked up. Across his cheekbone was a glistening trail that the tear had left behind. There was only one, and she didn't know what the reason was. Maybe he found it hard to see her so fragile, or he might be emotional because she finally dared to connect with him on this level – or maybe it was because of Piney's dead and all the other shit that was going on.

With her thumb she wiped away the trail, then she closed her eyes and found his lips again. They were vibrating – both of their lips were, like they were in between two emotions, between their pain and their happiness. In the end Juice raised himself and lifted her up. In his eyes she read a silent question, and hers gave him a silent answer. He carried her inside, easily, despite the fact that she was taller than he. In the bedroom he laid her down on the bed, and slowly their pieces of clothes glided down. He kissed her from top to toe; not hungrily, but with a precision as if he didn't want to skip a single inch. Although she was usually very impatient, she closed her eyes this time, fully concentrating on his fingertips and lips climbing up her legs, continuing across her stomach, her breasts, until they finally moistened a part that made her wring her hands in the blankets. 

She did nothing herself – she let it all just come over her, knowing that was what he wanted right now. A shaky sigh slipped her lips as he lowered himself on top of her. His fingers entwined with the little bit of hair she had, his brown eyes looking into hers. They expressed so much emotion that she was inclined to look away, but she didn't.

Slowly he entered her. Just a little bit, then he pulled back and did it again. Her muscles were tensing. She felt a bit uncomfortable with the slow pace; it gave her an unknown tension. Although they were usually joking around, this all felt very serious. 

When he glided deeper inside her, she noticed that she was holding her breath – as was he. A little confused she looked at him, not knowing what they were doing right now, why it was so different from all the other times they had sex. 

"I love you Alex." His voice sounded deeper than usual, she felt how he was trying really hard to keep his pace low. 

His thumb stroked her cheek, his eyes still holding hers. Usually they would be kissing each other's necks or he would aim his attention to her breasts, but the only body part that was moving now were his hips, with which he pushed himself deeper inside her and took distance again. 

It surely had its impact. In her lower regions something was building up, something that was impatiently awaiting every movement. Her mouth felt dry. She restrained the urge to bury her nails in his flesh, although she did bent her knees a little more so he could slide deeper.

"I love you too," she whispered, softly moaning when she was closing around him. 

With both hands he cupped her face, his elbows leaning on the mattress. His breathing fell heavier, his pace becoming a little faster. Alex curved her back, pressed her body against his. His grasp around her face tightened, his breathing crashing hers. Instead of increasing the speed, he stilled for a moment, staring into her eyes. Desire burnt inside her; she wanted more, more of him. 

"Please don't stop," she said in a husky voice. 

Instead of giving in, their lips melted, and he kissed her in such an intense way that it was almost enough to make her come. Her hands glided across his back and followed the muscles. A shared moan sounded when he pushed himself deeper inside her, and slowly, still painfully slow he pushed her over the edge. For a moment there were stars everywhere, and her ears were ringing. For the first time today his lips moved to her neck, sucking her skin while her head rolled from left to right because of the intense explosion of feelings bursting inside her.

When her sight returned and Juice looked her in the eye again, there was a hesitating smile on his lips. Softly she kissed him while rolling him on his back, riding him just as slow as he had done before. It didn't take long; only a few seconds later he moaned her name, pulling her against his jolting chest. For a while they kept lying like that, until her eyes drooped, making her realize that the club needed him. 

She looked up and noticed that she was blushing when their eyes met. Butterflies swirled inside her stomach. Suddenly she felt very vulnerable, and for the first time she didn't mind, for the first time she didn't want to fight it. 

"I'm so in love with you," she whispered. "It feels – it feels like I couldn't really feel it before."

He traced her bottom lip with his thumb. "I think it was not only the pain that you were keeping at distance, but every emotion that made you feel vulnerable." He wrapped his arms around her. With his index finger he glided across the tattoo along her spine. "But I'm deeply in love with you too."

* * *

Half an hour later Alex limped into the hospital. For the rest of the day they had to hide their feelings. Juice had driven her car to the hospital; she hadn't wanted to stay at home the whole day. She wanted to see Kozik and Clay, and her crutches wouldn't be in the way. 

She greeted the other Sons, who were occupying half of the waiting room. She gave Chibs a nod to show him that she was okay, but he swung an arm around her anyway. 

"What is it 'bout the words 'take a few days off' that ye don't understand?" 

"I'm taking days off. I just can't think of a better place to spend my time than here." She showed him a crooked smile, before she became serious again. "Just let me do something simple. I can keep an eye on Kozik and Clay – there's nothing wrong with my gun hand. You all have enough to do, I assume."

Chibs studied her face for a moment. "Aye. If ye rather get bored here than at home, fine with me. As long as ye don't walk too much."

"I won't, boss." She lifted the corner of her mouth. "Can I visit Koz?"

He nodded. "Yeah, he was awake a few minutes ago."

She limped towards the room in front of which she had waited hours two days ago and opened the door. A little relieved she noted that Juice wasn't going with her, but had decided to wait until she was done before he would greet his friend. 

Slowly the man opened his eyes as she stood next to him. "Hey kid."

Suddenly there was a lump in her throat. Taking a deep breath, she cursed the choice she had made earlier today. This was exactly what she had been afraid of; that she would cry at every emotional moment now. "Hey." Her voice shivered. 

Her hands slipped into her pockets. If she had been Alex, she would have plopped down on the side of his bed, but Shane should prefer a little more distance. "You're in a lot of pain?"

"Nah, I'm doped up at painkillers."

The look in his eyes was weary, broken. Yes – he was clearly suffering. Mentally. He would never be able to walk again, he could never ride again. "Would you rather have been dead?"

The question slipped her lips, but she needed to know the answer. 

Kozik heaved a sigh. "Don't feel guilty for saving my life, Shane. I love life. Also with one leg. There will be a lot of chances and there will be days that I'm not that positive, but one leg is still better than no legs." He gave her a wink. 

Alex felt a little lighter and admired his positivity. "Have they said anything about a prosthetic?"

He shook his head. "They first have to see how it will all heal. The first months I'll be in a wheelchair."

She nodded slowly. "Can you stay in your own house?"

He shook his head. "I have a stairs and my living room is in some sort of pit. We'll see how it all plays out..."

"I have a spare room," she mused. "And my apartment is all ground floor." She shrugged her shoulders. "I wouldn't mind if you'd move in. Then you don't need such an annoying nurse all the time either."

"And... you think your girl would agree?" With a smirk he pointed at her neck. "That's a hell of a hickey over there."

Reflexively, her fingers glided across her neck, a blush spreading across her cheeks. "She won't mind," she muttered. "She's a nurse herself."

"But it's a big deal; a roommate. Especially when things are going better between the two of you now..."

"It's not Mila's," she admitted. "It was just... a croweater."

Kozik held his glance. Somehow she had the feeling he didn't buy it, but she tried to convince herself it was all in her head. 

"Listen, I'm okay with you livin' in my apartment. I mean it. You're my brother right? Isn't this what we're supposed to do?"

Sure, it would limit her freedom, but that guy had just lost his leg – how could she nitpick about no longer being able to walk around naked at home? She wanted to do this for him, and especially since she had taken Jax at gunpoint, she wanted to make a good impression this time. 

"As a prospect I'm your slave anyway. You know they'll send one of us to you, and you gotta admit that I'm the coolest prospect around."

"At least you're the most determined one," he answered with a smirk. "I'll look at my options. Thanks for the offer, kid. And uh.... for saving my life. Heard that you had to stick out your neck quite a bit."

She shrugged her shoulders, although his words didn't leave her cold. "I just did what every friend would have done."

Before Kozik could answer, the door was opened and a nurse entered the room. Alex decided it was better to leave, so that the others could talk to him as well. 

"I'm gonna pay our president a visit," she said. Something she wasn't exactly looking forward to, now Clay knew her secret. But all she could do, was act like it wasn't making any difference. "Take care, Koz."

In a whim she laid her hand on his and squeezed. Heat traveled along her cheeks as she realized that was a very girly move, and quickly she pulled back her hand, muttering a goodbye and leaving the room in a hurry – and a little panicking.


	60. Changes

Not long after she had left Kozik's room, one of the guys got a call from Tig who was chased by a bunch of shooting assholes and needed some help to shake them off. Alex was the only one who stayed in the hospital to keep an eye on Clay and Kozik. 

She had to admit that Tig's call was eating her.  _Again_ one of them was in danger. Alex knew she was better informed than the other prospects, but still there were a lot of things they were keeping from her and she couldn't think of a reason why Clay was shot by a black gang member or why Tig's life was on the line now. As far as she knew, things were good with black, but it felt like the tiniest move could cause a chain reaction of violence. She felt the longing to participate in the conversations, maybe she could even offer them a different perspective on things but she knew she would never sit at that table. 

By now she had learned that Tig was fine and that everyone was getting ready for the meeting with the cartel and the IRA that would take place today. 

Alex pushed down the door handle. Two hours ago she had peeked inside, but the man had been sleeping. Not so long ago she however had seen Gemma and Jax, so she assumed that he was conscious again. 

She froze at the doorstep as she saw Jax, who was holding a knife against his stepfather's throat. As he looked over his shoulder, his face darkened. 

"The hell is this?" Without thinking, she reached for her gun. 

"If you point that thing on me again, you're out kiddo. Now turn around and wait in the hallway."

Despite her military training Alex had always had difficulties with authority, especially when she sensed that something was wrong. 

"Clay's opinion is more important than yours. Only if he wants me to go, I will."

With a grunt Jax turned around and rushed out of the room. Violently he grabbed her upper arm and leaned into her. Before she could say something, he lashed out, his fist hitting her face. It was so unexpected that she didn't see it coming and cursing she stumbled backwards, covering her eye with her hand. 

"I'm sick of your big mouth. You're just a prospect, you do whatever I tell you to do, whatever anyone of us tells you to do. If I tell you to get the fuck out, you leave. If I tell you to shut your mouth, you grit you teeth for the rest of the week and even when I fucking tell you to cut off your own balls, you  _do as I say._ You got that?!"

In his eyes an intense hate was churning. Alex was familiar enough with that emotion to know that she wasn't the one fueling his hatred, but that she was just an easy victim to take it out on, since she couldn't defend herself without messing things up. 

With her lips pressed together she dropped her eyes in a sign of surrender, although the anger was crawling underneath her skin. 

"Not a word to anyone about this," he said in a dark voice. "This is between Clay and me, it's none of your business."

"If he's dead by the end of the day I won't keep my mouth shut," she answered, lifting her chin. "I pushed a fucking gun against my head to prove my loyalty to the club. Do you really think I'd give a shit about your gun? If you want to gain the gavel in such a backstabbing way, you betray all your brothers and I'll make damn sure they know."

Jax breathed heavily, his nostrils wide. "I'm not going to kill him, dumb ass."

"Then what were you about to do? Shave his chin?" she mocked. 

"You're a fucking hypocrite. Who was the one using a gun to get things done two days ago? Huh?"

Right, he had a point. Her shoulders slumped down in defeat; she wanted to end this conversation, before he would really kick her out. If he wasn't already planning to do so. "Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut." She retreated to the wall and crossed her arms; she wasn't able to hide the discontent she was feeling. 

Jax looked over his shoulder to Clay's room, before he aimed his attention back to her. He clenched his jaw, then he walked away. She waited until he had disappeared from sight and entered Clay's room, where she sat down on a chair. A machine was beeping and there was an oxygen mask on his chest. Suddenly the man looked really old. 

"How many times have you been hit?" she asked, not knowing all too well how to start a conversation. She couldn't remember she had ever been alone with him before. 

His lips curled into a weak smile. "That's really your first question after what you just saw?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Jax wants me to pretend I've never seen that and I'm not really in the mood to end up in the ring again. I can't pull the stab-trick again, huh? So I act like nothing happened, unless you give me other orders."

He studied her face for a while. She tried to read him, but she had no idea what went through his head. "He wants me to step back as president and hand him the gavel. I guess he's tired of waiting and already pictured himself on the throne the moment I ended up in this damn bed."

Alex frowned. Clay didn't seem a man easy to intimidate. "You really give in to him?"

"He's not leaving me a choice. I've done some shit in the past that I'm not proud of, which he will reveal to the others if I don't give in."

She was smart enough not to ask more questions. Sighing, she leaned back. "Well if he's the new president I'm screwed."

"Nah, most of  'em are impressed by you and we need guys like you. They wouldn't be too happy when he suggests to vote you out."

His breathing fell heavier again and he put the mask on his face. Alex kept sitting in the chair, thinking about the things that had just been said. Soon Jax would really be the one pulling the strings... and it was clear that he couldn't wait to drop her string. 

* * *

Jax didn't waste time, she discovered when Juice flopped down on the couch next to her that evening. He had just returned from church and his pale face showed her there had been some heavy conversations. Alex tried to order her thoughts so she could add the new information. She had stayed with Clay for more than an hour and she was still surprised she had feel so relaxed. He hadn't said a word about her secret, he kept referring to her like she was a man and if Juice hadn't claimed the opposite, there had been no reason to believe that he knew the truth. 

As Juice laid down on the couch, his head on her lap, she stroked his face and bent over to kiss the left tattoo on his head. "Rough night?"

"It feels like the whole club is shaken up," he muttered. "Bobby is in custody because Otto ratted, Opie didn't show up at church and will probably take some time off, Clay stepped back as president and..." As he looked up, he shot upright. "Holy shit baby, what happened to you?" He laid a hand against her cheek and gave her an intrusive look. "Who did this? Damn this place is so dark I didn't even see it before!"

Alex studied his face. What effect would it have on the club if she told him what she had seen? Jax would  hate her forever, but she didn't want to keep things from Juice again. They had agreed to be honest with each other and Juice was more important than Jax's goodwill. "Jax. When I entered Clay's room, Jax was threatening him with a knife and when I refused to leave, he got mad and hit me."

Juice's face tensed, his eyes became a shade darker. Even the muscles in his arms contracted. His protectiveness made her chuckle and she gave him a feathery light kiss. "Relax. I can take a hit. And remember that I'm still a guy in his eyes, huh? Knowing that he actually hit a girl will probably fill him with shame."

His heavy breathing gave away that he still wanted to go to Jax's house to teach him a lesson. "Did he at least apologize to you?"

"What do you think? All he did was lecturing me about the slave-like life of a prospect. And now he's our president. That's just great. Did they all agree so easily?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders, his glance still resting on her black eye. "There's a tension between Jax and Clay for years. And all the shit with the cartel... everyone is done with it. The deal didn't even happen since the IRA is only trusting Clay and refused to do business with Jax, causing even more stress."

Alex chewed her lip. "But this feels like... a coup."

"This isn't out of the blue. You remember that shooting at the clubhouse? Right before shit went down Bobby wanted a vote for a new president. Because of the shooting and all the shit after that it blew over, but we all saw it coming. Chibs is promoted to SAA and I think he'll ask Bobby to become his VP once he's released."

Alex sighed deeply and massaged her temples. But why keeping a knife close to Clay's throat? Why needed Jax to blackmail him, forcing him with a dagger to give up his spot as president? She knew she should put it to rest, it wasn't her business, but she hated the fact that Jax was the one who was now wearing the crown. 

"I don't think he'll ever let me patch in," she muttered. 

Juice turned in such a way that his knees were resting on the couch next to her thighs. He took her face in his hands. "I know you won't become close friends, but Jax always kept the well-being of the club in mind. I don't know why he needed to use a knife to get this done or why Clay agreed with this, but we have to trust him and believe that it's best for the club. And because he's always looking to the greater good, I neither believe that he will kick you out – you proved your value more than once and the fact that you have conflicting personalities is no good reason to send you away."

Her arms glided around his waist and she rested her head against his forehead. "But the fact that I'm a woman is a good reason." She sighed softly. "I've always known that all this would be over, the moment I had earned my top rocker. That thought is stressin' me out; I wouldn't know what else to do with my life."

"There's no saying how it might go, Alex. You got my vote. Maybe some other guys wouldn't want to see you leave either."

Alex looked at him. "Do you really want me to become a Son? If you look into your heart?"

He didn't answer immediately, of which she was grateful; it meant that he was giving it a serious thought. 

"Yeah, I do," he said eventually. "If it makes you happy."

"I had expected that you would try to keep me out of the danger zone."

"I don't think I can. Even when you're just my old lady, you have ties with the club. Look what happened to Donna and Tara... It actually gives me peace that you can handle yourself." He dipped his head and started to kiss her neck, causing goose bumps immediately. "And you're fucking hot when you're wearing your cut. Especially when the Reaper will be on the back." He gently sank his teeth in her flesh, his warm breathing brushing her skin. "But you can put on mine now," he whispered in her ear. "Wear nothing but my cut and I'll make sure there are only lustful thoughts on your mind the next hour."


	61. Quiet as a Mouse

It had been two days since the last time that Alex had been in the clubhouse. She had taken Chibs' advice to take a few days off, if only because she wasn't in the mood to explain her black eye to the others. Tonight however a party was thrown because of Jax's presidency, so there was no way to dodge the draft. Especially not because at least half of the club wouldn't be around because they were in the hospital, in custody or because they had simply left Charming. 

"What the hell happened to you?" Tig asked as she came to stand next to him and took a beer from a croweater. 

The others turned towards her as well. Her eyes shot to Jax, who glanced back.  _Shut your mouth,_ his eyes told her. His arrogant face made the annoyance crawl beneath her skin and she didn't feel like blaming someone else. 

"Jax made sure I wouldn't point a gun at him again."

Tig briefly looked at Jax and shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough."

Alex didn't avoid the glance of her president, even though that was hard to interpret. Still she had the feeling that he appreciated her answer and the tension that had built up inside her slipped away. 

It was a nice evening. Alex stuck to the pool table and tried to invest in her relationship with the other Sons. The past days she had spent a lot of time at home or at the warehouse and the hospital while standing guard, so it took some effort to bond. The few drinks she took however proved their value. 

The drinks Juice was slamming, rather had the opposite effect, making him more clingy as the night wore on. Initially she hadn't complained when he had taken Chibs' place, who had paid more attention to a brunette than to their game of pool, but her new partner was just as quickly distracted. 

She had already lost a round from Happy and Tig, and Alex was quite competitive, was a very bad loser and it didn't take long before she was cursing Juice because he was sucking at the game. 

"Sorry," he chuckled softly, his lips close to her ear. "But seein' you bend over like that makes me wanna do other things than playin' pool with you."

Subtly she pushed him away with her elbow. She didn't feel like whispering in each other's ear like some love-struck teenagers; she rather convinced Happy and Tig that her feelings didn't exceed friendship.

"Well... someone wants to be spoiled," Tig smirked nevertheless. "Hey Juicy, why not make a real match of it? If you win, the prospect will give you a blow; if you lose he'll suck ours, uh, mine," he quickly corrected himself after a deadly glare from Happy. 

Alex rolled her eyes. "Maybe you should suck each other if you like that so much. Hap and I don't need you at the table." A smirk crossed her lips as she saw Juice tense, but it was his own fault. If he didn't want the others to think that he was gay, he shouldn't act like one. 

He pulled the cue out of her hands and snapped the white ball against the red one, which narrowly missed the hole. She smirked at the sight of his wronged face and for a while he kept

* * *

 

When she was standing at the bar a little later, talking to Phil, two arms glided around her. For a moment she thought that it was a croweater; then she saw the tattoos on his arms and recognized his scent – not to mention the erection she felt against her ass. 

"I want you," he whispered. "Now. Let's go to my room."

Alex was glad that Phil was at the other side of the bar so he didn't hear Juice's words. She wanted to push him away, but at the same time his dark voice turned her on. His hands disappeared underneath her cut as he started to kiss her neck and although she saw a flash of him lifting her on the bar, shoving away all dishes and taking her right there, she turned away her head and planted an elbow between his ribs. "I'm not your bitch," she answered in a cold voice. "Fuck off."

There was a hurt look in his eyes as he stepped back, and she felt a bit sorry for him. Not being able to touch his girlfriend in public had to be hard for him, and especially now he was drunk he didn't seem to understand why and his confusion was even kinda cute. He turned around and rushed away from her, and a few minutes later he was on the couch with a croweater on his lap. 

She chuckled at the thought that he was trying to make her jealous. Instead, she was relieved that he left her alone for a while and she stood behind the bar to give Phil a break. After rinsing the glasses and having no glasses to fill, she took her phone out of her pocket. 

_'Wait half an hour and you can be my plaything.'_

His eyes met hers as he had read the text and he lifted the corner of his mouth.  _'Maybe I'll have my own plaything by then.'_

_'Bullshit.'_

As Bobby asked for a drink she tucked away her phone and focused on her tasks. A little later she told Chibs that her leg hurt and that this was the first day she was without crutches, where after he gave her permission to leave. 

On the other side of the road she waited for Juice, who showed up ten minutes later. She chuckled because he could no longer walk straight, and when he stood next to her he pushed her against the hood of the car, pressing his waist against hers. 

"Not here," she laughed, pushing him away. 

With a frustrated grunt he stepped back. "This is fuckin' torture."

"Maybe you should drink a little less next time. Makes you horny as fuck."

"You make me horny as fuck." He grabbed the collar of her cut and pulled her close. "One kiss. If not I won't make it home."

She looked over her shoulder and when there was no one around, she hastily pressed her lips against his. His fingers glided to the back of her head, but before he had a tight grip on her and turned it into a French kiss, she turned away her head. 

"Believe me, if I give you more you won't make it home either. And I drank too much to ride and you are a lot worse, so we have to walk."

"Then it will take at least half an hour," Juice complained. 

"Even longer if we stay here." She nudged his shoulder and slipped her hands into her pockets before he would grab her hand. Her leg still felt stiff, but despite what she had said to Chibs a few minutes ago, she could easily handle the pain. 

Alex thought back to the first time they had drank too much after Lyla and Opie's wedding. Their friendship had started that night – and within a short time she had grown closer to him than she had done with anyone else in a long time. 

* * *

"Here lives that motherfucker of a Roosevelt," Juice told her, staring embittered at the darkened house of the one who had almost been his demise. 

"You want revenge?"

When he turned his head to the side, he saw a mischievous glimmer in Alex' eyes. 

Surprised, he raised his eyebrows. "What are you thinkin'?"

"Let's break into his house."

"What?"

"Breaking into the house of the chief inspector. That's fun man, come on!" She dragged him towards the back yard. 

A little overwhelmed Juice followed her, stumbling because his thoughts went faster than his legs. "What do you want?" he whispered as they had reached the back door. "Rob him?"

She squinted through the glass door. "Nah, not my taste." She turned towards him, her forefingers tugging at his belt loops. "Let's fuck on his couch." She showed him a ornery smirk. "Or the kitchen table."

He chuckled at the thought that the man would eat at that table the next morning, not aware of anything. "I'm probably an idiot but it's turnin' me on like crazy." He rubbed his waist along hers, nipping her neck. 

She laughed quietly, which stirred up his lustful feelings. He really had a girlfriend who suggested to have sex in the house of a cop... Fuck – she was so hot. 

"You think you can open that door?" she whispered. 

Juice had broken into so many houses when he was a teenager that he didn't even consider it as a challenge. Five minutes later he opened the door. Excitement spread through his veins as they entered the house. 

"What if there's a guard dog?" he wondered.

"What? You're afraid of dogs?"

"No," he muttered – but he had seen Tig bitten by one in the ass. That would definitely be a mood killer. 

"If there was a dog, we would have seen it by now." She sneaked further into the house, lifted a chair and put it beneath the door handle so the door to the hallway was blocked in case they would get caught. 

Her eyes were shining as she returned and started to unbuckle his pants. Juice tried to do the same with hers, but because of the nervousness and the alcohol he was messing with her button, laughing nervously. In the end she untied her pants herself. 

"Put out your shoes," she whispered as she started to take off her own boots. "If we get caught it's a hell of a run with your pants around your ankles."

He kicked out his boots and with the thought that they should be able to leave quickly, he didn't take off her cut and shirt. His hands however did glide underneath the fabric and he pulled her close. 

"If we get caught I'll run like hell, even when you ran into the wall with that drunken head of yours," she warned him. "It would be ridiculous if my identity gets exposed because I was fucking my boyfriend on the dinner table of the head chief."

"At least you'll make it to the papers," he chuckled. 

She showed him a smirk that caused him trouble breathing. His lips felt dry as they touched hers, and his tongue slipped across the ring in her lip. It was a teasing kiss to which he couldn't fully surrender because her fingers were stroking his dick before she started to jerk him off. It didn't take long before he lifted her and put her on the table. She crawled backwards, her eyes dark with lust and he climbed over her and kissed her as his fingers found her wetness. It seemed like the situation was exciting enough for her.

"Come on baby," she said. "Make me moan louder than every before. Let's see if we can wake up that prick."

"Guess your moaning is gonna give him at least a wet dream," he answered, his voice hoarse. 

She wrapped her legs around his waist by way of an answer, creating a good angle. He pushed himself inside her. His breathing faltered as he glided through the light resistance until he got deeper. His eyes searched for hers as he thrust inside her.

Alex didn't hold back. She moaned loudly as he penetrated her, being such a turn on that he almost came instantly. He slowed down his pace and watched her face to discover what movements she liked most. The ecstasy on her face however was a huge trigger and his moans joined hers. 

His muscles tensed as he heard a door open upstairs. Panicking he wanted to jump up, but Alex pulled him close again. "Fuck I'm almost there baby. A few more seconds. The door is still barricaded."

He didn't dare to disappoint her so he grabbed her face, gave her an intense kiss and thrust deeper inside her. She bit his lip so hard he tasted blood while her back was arching off the table. 

"Faster baby, faster," she cried out. 

There were footsteps on the stairs.

"Fuck Alex, hurry up," he hissed. 

"Hurry up yourself," she shot back. 

Juice could no longer handle his nerves. He knew that one glimpse from Roosevelt would be enough to identify him and he pulled himself out of Alex and grabbed her hand. "Come on."

She climbed off the table, sweat drops beading on her forehead. When she saw his shocked face, she started to laugh. Someone pounded at the door and the chair shoved a little to the side. Quickly he took their clothes and boots from the ground and ran outside. He stumbled over the threshold, but Alex kept him on his feet. 

His heart leaped in his throat as they ran across a side-path towards the front yard, realizing that this might be the most stupid thing he had ever done. He had no idea where to go to, but Alex dragged him into someone else's garden and hid in a shack. 

Panting, they sat down against the wall. 

"I feel like I'm fuckin' fourteen again."

"Then your childhood was definitely more interesting than mine," she chuckled. She climbed on his lap and a moan slipped his lips as his erection touched her warmness and wanted to pick up the pace immediately. 

As their eyes locked, Alex started to laugh. His heart was still racing in his chest, but he also let go of the tension by laughing. 

"I think I was so close to a heart attack," he muttered as he pulled her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "One day you're gonna be the death of me."

She was still laughing. "Well, a relationship with me requires some risks."

Juice chuckled. "Is it? For your ex oral sex was already a step too far."

"That's why he's my ex now," she winked, sitting up straight again. "But you... I wanna keep you."

With his thumb he brushed the ring in her lip. Her words made him glow on the inside. "Good," he answered, surprised by his own gravelly voice. "For I don't plan on lettin' you go." His hands glided underneath her bottom and he pulled her closer, so he could enter her again. "And this time you will be quiet as a mouse," he whispered in her ear, where after he started to move his hips in a slow pace. 

"Whatever you desire, master," she promised with a derisive smirk, and then her lips overpowered his. 


	62. Sex vs. Breakfast

Sun beams fell through the window. The curtains weren't closed; a sign that she had been really excited or drunk last night. Both, probably. 

Juice was lying on his stomach, his arms and legs spread across the bed. The sunlight pooled on his back, making his tan skin glisten. Her eye caught a few large scars and she realized that she had no idea how he got those. Her thumb brushed the scar tissue. When her touch didn't wake him up and he kept snoring away, she bent over him and spread kisses across his back. She was hungry and was in the mood for an omelet, and since he made better ones than she did, it was about time he woke up. Her lips followed his spine downwards. 

"If you bite my ass, I'm gonna fart," he muttered as she neared his bottom. 

"You're such a romantic huh?"  She spanked his ass, leaving a red print behind.

With a grunt he turned around, taking her with him during his roll so she was trapped underneath his body. "It's only eight. You're a fucking slave-driver for wakin' me up so early." With his right arm he pulled the pillow closer, cramming it next to her face, putting down his head on it and trying to fall asleep again. 

Because of the heaviness of his body it was hard to breathe, but she didn't show it. Instead, her fingertips glided across his back, slightly touching his skin, in such a way it tickled, making him grunt in her ear.

"Lemme sleep. I have a fuckin' hangover."

She chuckled softly. "Why am I not surprised?"

He turned his head to the side. "Did I have a fuckin' hot dream or have we really done it on Roosevelt's kitchen table yesterday?"

"I'm sure that was a dream. I bet you're way too pussy to do such a thing," she answered with a blank face. 

Suspiciously he looked at her. "We did it, huh? Fuck, you really are as mad as a hatter."

She laughed lightly. "Well I wasn't the only one lying on that table."

"Ya didn't? You lured Roosevelt downstairs?"

She made an offended sound, burying her finger nails in his ass, making his upper body tense. He raised his head to look at her, a meaningful smirk on his face. 

"By the way I  _did_ lure him downstairs. You were so chicken you couldn't wait to run. You didn't even give me a satisfying orgasm."

"Hmm. Well I also remember a barn."

"You weren't much better in there."

"Bullshit..." He kissed her neck, his stubble grinding her skin. "All you have to do to get another round, is ask." With his elbows he leaned on the mattress, sparks in his eyes. "There's no harm in askin', hmm?"

"I'd rather ask you to make breakfast."

"You sure? You rather want breakfast than this?" Gently his teeth sank in her neck and he leaned a little to the left so he could massage her breast. 

"Uh-huh... I want an omelet with bacon... and toasted bread. Mmmm."

He didn't answer and kept kissing her neck. His hand glided along her leg, pulling it to the side to create space. A second later his erection pressed against her entrance, and he looked at her with a dark look in his eyes. "You still prefer bread?"

"Uh-huh." Teasingly, she moved her hips back and forth. Her eyes drooped as she enjoyed the friction too. She almost wanted to give in – then he suddenly rolled off her. 

"Okay. Breakfast it is."

Before he could leave the bed, she wrapped an arm around his stomach and rolled him back so they were facing each other. "What's the story behind the scars on your back?"

Surprise crossed his face. His fingers laced with hers and he shoved an arm underneath his head. "Two years ago some guy stabbed me in jail."

She raised her eyebrows. "What? Why?"

A blush spread across his cheeks. "There was this guy we had to get. He... thought I was interesting, so I had to lure him away from his buddies by acting like I wanted to be his bitch. Once we had taken care of the guy, his pals wanted revenge and stabbed me."

Alex chuckled. "Well, maybe you  _are_ indeed a little gay." Once more, her fingers stroked the scars.

"Maybe a little bit," he answered with a half-hearted grin. "Cause you're a little boyish huh? You got more battle scars than me." First his fingers stroked the scar of the graze wound in her upper arm, then across the stab wound in her stomach and eventually he moved his fingers to where the mine splinters had been in her leg. Then his hand ran up, holding her ass and pulling her closer. "Maybe that's the reason I constantly need a reminder that you're actually a woman."

After these words, he pushed himself inside her. 

Alex moaned because of the lack of foreplay, although she liked the roughness and grabbed his lip with her teeth, making him curse and picking up speed. 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Alex was still enjoying roasted bread, omelet and bacon. As Juice sat down next to her, she lifted the corner of her mouth. "Kinda like it, havin' my own slave."

He pulled away the plate in front of her. "Never said this was yours."

She stole his plate, quickly sinking her teeth in the bread. "But your actions always speak louder than your words." She winked. The smile she got in return looked so happy that the butterflies showed up in her stomach again. She laid her hand on his thigh and squeezed. "I love you. And not just because you make the best eggs."

His hand glided across hers, and he looked at her. "Love you too. And not just because you're so good in bed."

"Tsss." She nudged his shoulder. "As if that's the only thing I'm good at."

"Hmm. In what else you think you're talented?"

"Playing pool. Shooting. Boxing."

He raised an eyebrow. "You think you'd beat me in a boxing match?"

"Uh-huh. Bet you don't ever  _dare_ to punch me in the face."

"Hmm. Well that would be a shame." With the back of his fingers he stroked her cheek. 

"Oh well, bruises fade. Got this shiner for days now," she pointed to her eye, "don't believe it got in the way of your libido."

"That doesn't make it more fun to beat up my own girlfriend."

She shrugged her shoulders. "No way you gonna get that far. You pass out before you've clenched your fists."

"I think you underestimate me, honey," he winked.

The confidence he was suddenly showing her made her chuckle and she continued with her breakfast. "Too bad it raises so many questions if we both show up with bruised faces. I'm sure someone else will challenge me to get into the ring."

"Hm-hm. How convenient." 

"It's best for you too, trust me. I doubt your ego can handle a beat up from your girlfriend."

"Oh, my ego can handle a lot those days," he muttered. "If I'm not mistaken, I kissed your neck in public yesterday."

She chuckled softly. "Yeah, you were fuckin' annoying. Although you're mainly makin' a fool of yourself. Have a feeling Tig will ask a blowjob from you soon."

"Well that wouldn't be the first time."

Alex's eyes widened. "What? You sucked his dick?" 

"What? No man. I mean it wouldn't be the first time he'd ask."

She chuckled. "You really are a little gay, baby. Apparently it's written all over you."

"I'm just ruggedly handsome. For both men and women."

"Yea would tell that to myself too."

He snatched her plate with the half-eaten bread away from her. "Can't you be a little more gentle?" He walked away from her, stuffing the food in his mouth. 

"Then look in the mirror if you don't believe me. I've seen hotter things than a little Puerto Rican with hamster-like cheeks full of bread."

He showed her a grin full of breadcrumbs and egg. "Impossible."

"So much for my appetite." She leaned back in the chair. "By the way, have I already told you that Kozik will move in with me?"

Juice lowered the plate, his face becoming serious. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. He told me he can no longer stay in his own house with a wheelchair, and my place is all ground floor."

He sat down next to her. "Wow... Didn't see that comin'. Aren't you afraid that he will discover that you're a girl?"

"Nah, as long as I keep the bathroom door locked I will be fine."

"But what about your chest binder? You can't wear it that long... that's not good for you."

"We won't be living in each other's pockets... He gets his own room, and I have my own room. I'll just have some company during dinner."

Juice snorted. "Let me guess; you don't plan to tell him that we're together?"

"I don't know yet," she muttered. 

"Why not? Chibs knows about us too."

"And I hate that." She sighed. "Juice, if there is  _something_ that will blow my cover, it's your feelings for me! Yesterday you kissed my neck and told me you wanted me inside your room. How much longer before you make a comment that indicates that I'm not a man?"

He dropped his eyes. "I can drink less..."

"C'mon, you know how that goes. The moment they find out you try to slow down with alcohol, they're gonna tap you. And how will you explain that sudden change? Things are just easier if we aren't a couple outside the house, okay?"

His shoulders slumped down. She took his hand and squeezed. "We will find a way to make this work, okay? I'll ask Mila if she can come around now and then to help Koz, and we can still meet at your house. Okay? Nothing will change between us."

With a sigh he looked up to her. "Okay. If you say so."

His voiced lacked any conviction that their relationship wouldn't suffer from this. 

Alex however wasn't in the mood to worry about it. They would find a way, they had proven to be inventive before. The only thing she wasn't looking forward to, was a conversation with Mila. She needed her friend's help, but it remained to be seen if she wanted to help her, after how Alex had treated her. But who knows, if they would talk things out. She thought she was ready to share some things with her that had been too hard to talk about before.

"She's gonna pretend to be your girl again?" Juice muttered. 

"I don't know," she admitted. "We'll see how it goes." She gave him a kiss. "But you know it's just an act, Juice. I won't even kiss her if you don't want me to."

It didn't seem to cheer him up much.


	63. Beyond Words

"It's so weird to see you with long hair."

"I can imagine," she answered, smirking as she pictured what he would have looked like with long hair. She flopped down on the couch next to him, leaning with her head against his shoulder while glancing at the photo album. In preparation for Kozik's arrival Alex had turned her house upside down once more, gathering all the things that could point to her real identity. She planned to leave that stuff at Juice's house, so it wouldn't be laying around at an unguarded moment. As soon as Juice had caught a glimpse of the book, he had opened it. 

"You want me to grow it back once I'm done prospecting?"

He turned towards her, raking his fingers through the little bit of hair she still had. "Mm. Think it's bad ass." He nodded to the photo album. "You're so ordinary there. But this haircut... I think you're fucking hot." His hand glided to the back of her neck, where after his lips sucked the skin of her neck. "And if your hair is hanging over your shoulders, I don't have this direct access to nibble your neck." 

Chuckling, she poked her elbow between his ribs, only causing him to bite her neck – hard, this time. 

"Ow," she grunted. 

Smirking, he pulled back his head. "You really thought I'd let you bruise my ribs without gettin' back at you?"

She stroked her neck, feeling the bite mark in her flesh. "My very observant roommate is gonna notice bite marks like this, ya know? Not so long ago he already mentioned a hickey in my neck."

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "Not my problem. I'm fine with you blamin' me." He directed his attention back to the photo album and flipped through it. "You really wear those baggy skate shit in every pic?"

"Why? You hope to find me in a dress?"

"Uh-uh. Have seen you wear a dress only once and well, it's surely worth repeatin'." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Without that lapdance we might never have been here now at all."

"There's a reason I only wear dresses when it's Halloween. By the way, it was Mila's. I don't even have one."

"Hmm. Then I should give you presents more often. Sexy dresses and hot lingerie instead of those man boxers."

She snorted. "Then you're gonna cum even faster."

When he glared at her, she kissed his cheek chuckling. Absentminded her hand glided to his crotch, stroking the bulge that was rapidly growing. "Fine, go get me some spicy stuff. If I respond to your fantasies, you might forgive me for keeping our relationship secret a little longer."

"Hmm, maybe...' His hand glided across hers, pushing it against his manhood. Her eyes found his as she kneaded him right through the fabric of his pants, and she smirked as his eyes widened a bit. 

"Maybe this will be helpful too." Sliding off the couch, she sat down on her knees in front of him, unbuttoning his pants. After some lashing she had created enough space to take out his pride. 

She looked up to him. His breathing fell heavier, his lower jaw had dropped a bit. She winked at him, knowing that seeing her on her knees was turning him on. Usually she was the dominant one, and she knew his confidence would benefit from it if she was the submissive one now and then. She laid her hand tighter around him and moved it back and forth until the first fluid slipped outside. Then she exposed the tip, pressing kisses against his skin. She pushed it a little upwards so her neck wouldn't hurt and took him inside her mouth, now and then scraping her teeth along his skin;  alternating sucking hard and soft. 

She looked up to him, inwardly smiling as she saw his face. He was totally immersed in the act, his fingers moving across her head as he moaned quietly. His eyes focused on her as he realized she was looking at him, and he showed her a shaky smile telling her how much he liked it. She closed her eyes again, enjoying the feeling and taste of him inside her mouth, noticing that it was turning her on too. 

"Fuck, you're good at it." The grasp of his fingers became more compelling, his moans louder. "I knew your whore mouth was trained well."

Alex shot backwards in such a hurry that her back hit the edge of the table, making her curse loud. "What did you say??" she yelled. 

Dumbfounded, Juice looked at her. "I said... nothing. Nothing audible, at least." He blushed a little. "You didn't like me moaning that loud?"

"You said that I had a well trained whore mouth!"

He frowned. "Don't be ridiculous, I... oh..." The look in his eyes softened. He hid his stuff in his pants and sat down on his knees in front of her. Alex didn't know why, but by reflex she backed away. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Cautiously, Juice touched for her hands, but she pulled them back immediately.

"Did he say that to you? When he forced you to... you know?"

His voice sounded soft, understanding. She closed her eyes for a moment, and immediately the images crossed her mind; how he hit her head against the wall of the warehouse, how deep he slammed himself inside her throat.  _'You are an ugly whore, you'll never look better than with my dick in your mouth.'_

As she opened her eyes again, they felt heated. Skittishly she looked at him. How would he feel, knowing that she had mistaken him for her rapist for a moment? Where the hell had those memories come from anyway? They'd had sex so many times since that night and Miles had never bothered her. 

Shaky, she stood up. "I uh – I gotta see Mila today."

"Alex..." Juice's voice sounded a little tense. "Come here." He pointed at the space between his pulled up knees. 

She shook her head. "No. No – I don't wanna be touched right now."

"Then I won't touch you. But please, sit down with me baby. Leaving now won't do you any good."

She huffed. "I'm fine. Those thoughts will leave soon."

He kept her glance, and feeling annoyed she rolled her eyes. "Fine," she grunted. She sat down in front of him, his back towards him and stared at the tv. "Happy now?"

"Just keep sittin' a little longer. Calm down. And if you feel like you need it, you can sit a little closer to me."

"You're a therapist now?" she scoffed. 

"You were afraid of me, Alex." His voice sounded vulnerable. "I have no idea what's going on in that head of yours, but I do think you should take some time to listen to your feelings instead of shoving them all to the side again. Just keep sitting there, accept what just happened. It's okay if you keep your distance, but it's also okay if you wanna do this together."

Alex pursed her lips. The urge to stand up and walk away from this shit was enormous, but she kept sitting and closed her eyes, listening to her breathing – and after a while she realized that its was his breathing she was listening to. 

Her eyes were itching, but there were no tears. She however did notice that she didn't like the distance, so she scooted closer to him until she felt his chest against her back. His hands were resting on his knees. It made her feel restless, and hesitantly she lifted them and pulled his arms tight around her. She felt how he pulled her close and closed her eyes again. The restless feeling slipped away. 

"You're safe with me, Alex. I will never do to you what he did." His lips touched the back of her head and she breathed in shakily. 

For a long time she kept sitting there in his arms, until her heart had returned to its usual speed and the warmth in her body was back. She looked over her shoulder; his eyes expressed so much love that she didn't know how to respond. She wasn't used to this; to someone who cared so much about her and who had no difficulty in expressing it. "How did you know what to do?"

"How did you know what to do, every time I had a panic attack?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I was in the army. I've seen enough people with PTSD."

"I think there's more. I think you acted more intuitively than you think, because you know me." He kissed her temple. "And I know you. I've promised you more than once that we will conquer this trauma together and I still have faith in us." He laid another kiss on her temple. "But I'm glad that you want to do this together too."

She gave him watery smile, her thumb stroking the rings around his fingers. "You didn't leave me much of a choice."

"I did. You could have leaned against the table too. But instead of doing so, you came to me. It was your choice."

Quietly she stared forward. She had to admit that she was impressed by the way he dealt with it; he was so good to her. "I love you Juice," she said softly – but this time she was more convinced than ever.

"I love you too baby." He held her a little tighter. With her hands she glided across his arms, enjoying the way his muscles tensed underneath his ink. 

"I... I don't really know what to say now," she whispered honestly. "But I just... I just want you to know that I don't think you're just a hot guy... but that I just... feel comfortable around you. And I know that I'm not the easiest girl to deal with, but I am really grateful that you somehow know how to handle me." She dropped her eyes. "Not many men coulda done that."

He left a small kiss in her neck, making her shiver. "Then those men don't deserve you." 

She smiled, even though it wasn't completely genuine. If men like these didn't deserve her... why the hell would she deserve Juice? "Do I make you happy, Juice? I have the feeling that I'm only putting you up with my shit."

"Look at me."

Hesitating, she turned around. The expression on his face was serious. "I love you, I just told you that. Every minute you're not with me, feels like wasted time. Whenever I see you, my blood flows faster, every time I touch you my skin tingles, every time I hear your laughter there are butterflies in my stomach, every time you kiss me..." 

Alex pressed her lips against his. Every word leaving his lips filled her with so much warmth that she didn't know what to do with it, and so she let her body speak. He kissed her back, as tender as his words had been. She closed her eyes, tried to break down the blockade around her feelings so she could let him taste that she felt the same about all the things he had just told her, but that she just lacked the ability to put them into words. 


	64. Making Things Right

Mila put her book aside when the doorbell buzzed. She was a little surprised, she wasn't visited often. Or maybe it wasn't even a visitor, but somebody for charity or a salesman. Even on Sunday. 

Or maybe it was Brandon. 

A shiver crept down her spine as she thought back to the date she had two days ago. It had been a complete slimeball. She thought that she had been clear when she told him she wasn't interested in a second date, but maybe he didn't get the message. After all, he was a man. 

She slipped the bolt off the door, hating the fact that there was no peek hole. There however was a window, but for lack of space there was a cabinet in front of it. She swung open the door and looked baffled at Alex. 

"What are you doing here?" she asked with raised eyebrows. 

"Making things right." Her face seemed less harsh than the past weeks, she thought to recognize her former friend in it. "That is, if you let me in."

Sighing, Mila stepped aside. Alex walked past her. There was not a real greeting, not the usual hug. She followed her into the living room and noticed that Alex had came to stood still in front of some picture frames on the wall. Her hands had slipped into her pockets. The photo she was looking at was taken on Christmas Eve, seven years ago. When they had laughed about the cheesy presents Oliver had given her. Back then they had still been inseparable and neither of them had imagined something would ever come between them. 

And certainly not a biker club. 

She missed the old times. Although Alex had often been abroad, she felt farther away now than when she had been in the military. Mila walked further and leaned against the dinner table while she waited. She had no idea what to say. Alex hadn't taken her crutches with her, so Mila assumed her leg was healing well. 

After a while, Alex tore away her glance from the pictures, walked to the table and shoved back a chair. She leaned forward, her forearms resting on her knees while looking up to Mila. "I treated you like shit. To be honest I'm just a mess and I'm treating everyone like shit."

That was nothing new. Mila had heard her cursing at Juice in the hospital. Crossing her arms, she gave Alex a pensive look. "I've tried to do job interviews at other hospitals," she admitted. "Without success, so far. You were the reason I came to Charming, but you're not a reason to stay."

"I get that."

For a while she studied Alex's face. She knew her, knew that she was stewing over something. Right, she wanted to restore their relationship – but mainly because she wanted to  _use_ her again. "Oh fuck you Alex," she hissed, shaking her head as the truth dawned on her. "Kozik told me he's moving in with you. Is that the reason you're here now? You want me to play nurse?"

Alex didn't blink and shrugged her shoulders. "You wanted to be part of my life again, right? Well, this is the way."

Frustrated, Mila turned away from her, taking a few steps to create some distance. "So you want to use me again."

"No I want –"

"Yes you do!" she snapped. "You regret inviting that guy over and you want me to keep him busy so you don't feel locked up in your own house! Just be honest with them and tell them you changed your mind about wanting another man around you all the time."

"I can't back down now. And I want this. Is it so horrible to spend a few hours with Koz a week? It isn't like you got any other friends. He's better company than those books of yours."

"This isn't about Kozik. This is about you. About you and me. About you wanting to use me  _again;_ first I needed to play your girlfriend and now you want me to pass for Kozik's therapist?"

"I'm not using you, I'm asking for your help. You can say no. I assumed you would anyway."

"And what  _if_ I say no? You're gonna rush out of my apartment again until the next time you need help? "

Alex heaved a deep sigh and pulled a box of cigarettes out of her pocket. 

Mila snatched it out of her hands before she could light one. "Not in my home."

"I want to restore our friendship, okay? I just don't know how. There are just things I can't tell you and I'm afraid that you will get hurt or end up dead if we stay friends. But Kozik believes that it should be your decision to risk the danger or not and I guess he's right."

Mila was silent for a while. She thought about what had happened to Tara, Clay and Kozik. Back in the day she would have done anything for Alex, but if she would do the same for the prospect that was standing in her room now? She didn't know. 

"We can't just go back to the way things were. You hurt me, Alex. You pushed me away, you've thrown me over for a bunch of hotheads. I feel bad for Kozik and of course I wouldn't mind to help him get through this, but helping him won't restore our relationship."

Alex tapped with her fingers at the table, her eyes shooting to the pack of cigarettes in Mila's hand. She actually looked nervous. Sighing, she tossed the pack towards her. "Only at the balcony."

Mila followed her outside and sat down on a chair. Alex leaned back, lighting the cigarette. For a moment she closed her eyes. "I'm messed up for a while now," she started. "Sure, I already was since the moment I heard about Kip's death, but..." She sighed deeply, massaging her temples. Smoke curled upwards. "Miles raped me, okay? He discovered that I was a girl, placed a camera in my bathroom and threatened to send a video where I was showering to everyone if I wouldn't blow him. And when that wasn't satisfying enough, he raped me."

Mila's eyes widened. "W-what? Oh Alex..." She wanted to hug her friend, but Alex turned away. 

"Please don't," she muttered. "If just gotten myself back together after having a flashback a few hours ago."

Mila felt a pang in her stomach. She wished she could do something to help her friend, but it seemed like Alex wouldn't allow any help. 

"What happened to Miles?"

"He's dead," she answered with a grim face. 

"You killed him?" she asked quietly. 

"It doesn't matter who did it. That fucker is worm food now."

Mila was silent for a moment. "Shit Lex... I feel so sorry for you. But you could have t-"

"I didn't want anyone to know. I tried to bury it, like I'm always burying everything, but it only made things worse."

"Does Juice now?"

"Yeah."

Mila bent her head. She found it hard that she had told that man about the rape, but had kept her in the dark. They had been friends for such a long time... "Are you still together?"

"Yeah." She lifted the corner of her mouth. "I tried to push him away really hard. But he's stubborn as hell." Her face became more serious. She twisted the broad ring around her thumb. "I behaved like monster towards him. And still he didn't give up. And it isn't like he's just swallowing all my shit... he's been fucking mad. But somehow he always knows how to get through to me."

Mila thought back to the things Alex had yelled at him. That he should have hanged himself. Had the man wanted to commit suicide? Was that the reason Alex had revealed her identity to him and had told him about Miles? "You're gonna tell Kozik? That you're together?"

Alex shook her head. "Juice slips up way too easy. In the beginning it might be hard for him, but as soon as Kozik is making progress during rehab, I'll have more freedom."

"Why do you want this so badly, Alex? Having him around?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "It easily could have been my leg that was blown off. I would have liked someone who'd take care of me too. Someone who wouldn't treat me like I'm the most miserable person in the world. And apart from that, I've really pissed off some people the past days, so I have to make things right."

Mila nodded slowly. "You saw it happen?"

Alex turned her face away and stared at the white bars of the balcony. "I was walking next to him. I saw the mine and pulled Koz to the side. If I hadn't done that he would have died, but if I'd been quicker... he would never have lost his leg."

Mila reached for her hand and squeezed. "You did everything you could. You tied off the bleeding and took him to the hospital."

"Yeah..." She sighed softly. 

"If you look at what happened to Kozik and Clay... do you really wanna go through with this?" she asked quietly. "And Piney... I heard he died too..."

Alex blew out a cloud of smoke. "Yeah. I'm gonna get that top rocker Mila," she said stubbornly. "Don't try to change my mind  _again._ "

Mila pursed her lips. As if it was even possible to change Alex's mind. 

Although... she knew someone who might talk her out of it. Someone who knew her no less than she did. If another Son died, she would call him. Even if that would destroy her friendship with Alex for good. 

She chose an angry friend over a dead friend, especially when she could have prevented her death.


	65. Intruder

"Wanna go home?"

Kozik looked over his shoulder. He had been staring forward, to a girl that was using the stripper pole – although he hadn't  _really_ been looking. Everything just felt overwhelming. He had thought to feel relief to be in the clubhouse again after more than two weeks, but the music was too loud, the laughter of the others too shrill, the special attention of the girls too tiring. He wondered if the ladies had really missed him or that they just had the hots for crippled guys and it gave him a tightening feeling in the chest. 

This would be his life from now on. In a wheelchair, only half his former height. He would never ride again, he would probably even lose his cut soon. Shane tried to convince him that he could get a prothesis, but Kozik knew it wasn't taken for granted and he didn't want to get his hopes up. 

"Nah I'm fine." He gave Shane a brief smile. 

He lived with the prospect for four days now and the guy had been an amazing help. There were no words to express his gratefulness, to tell him how much this meant to him. Although the guy was denying it, Kozik knew that he was a heavy burden so he just wanted Shane to have fun tonight. 

"Don't worry about me. Go find yourself a hot chick and have some fun." He smirked as Shane turned his head to a group of sweetbutts. "The one on the left, with the dark hair. She's good. Tireless."

"We can't have that, huh? You'd be waiting hours for me."

"Well you deserve that, after all the good care," he winked. 

Shane's hands slipped into his pockets. "Nah, I'm good. I don't need a chick right now. Mila, you know..."

Mila. Right.

Kozik knew that wasn't the real reason why he was not interested in the croweaters and he wondered how long if would take before Shane dared to admit it. 

"Whatever kid. But you shouldn't grieve over that chick. It's sweet that she stops by now and then to keep me company, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable I'm gonna ask some of the girls around here."

"No I don't mind," he said quickly – a little too quickly. "Maybe uh, maybe you're right. Maybe I should try to have some fun with someone else. Then uh, see you later?"

Kozik chuckled softly. No way that he was going to that girl. He was probably going to take a smoke outside, making Kozik believe he was humping a chick. 

"Gimme another hour okay?" he said. "After that I doubt I have the energy to get in bed." He looked around to see which of his brothers was the most drunk. 

Definitely Tig. He rolled the wheelchair to his friend. 

"Yo drunken asshole. Why don't ya let me win a game of darts? Have a chronic lack of euphoria."

"Sure brotha." Tig laid an arm around his shoulder, but since Kozik was sitting so low it felt more like a headlock. He moved the wheelchair to the corner and picked up three darts from the table. 

It was a challenge, playing darts while sitting. But it was easier than playing pool seated; he could barely see the balls. 

As expected, Tig's drunk head made a bad player of him, and Kozik discovered after some time that he was actually doing well from this position. At least there was  _one_ thing he could still do.

* * *

After an hour, someone rolled his wheelchair backwards. "C'mon granny, it's time for your beauty sleep."

Yawning, Kozik agreed. He yelled a goodbye to the others and leaned back lazily as Shane pushed the wheelchair outside. It didn't take long before Juice showed up next to them. 

"Hey," he said. "It's not that late. You wanna watch a movie?"

"Nah I'm fine," Shane muttered.

"Don't hold back for me kiddo's. I'm gonna sleep like a baby," Kozik said, who had seen the disappointed look on Juice's face. He looked over his shoulder to the prospect. "He's right kid. It's barely 11. You're too young to sleep around that time on a Saturday night."

"I don't feel like watching a movie," Shane said stubbornly. 

"Well we can also – I dunno, game? Smoke pot?" Juice's voice was almost sounding desperate and it didn't leave Kozik untouched. 

Shane however didn't relent. "I see you tomorrow. Bye." He quickened his pace, moving the wheelchair to the van. 

Kozik suppressed a sigh as he climbed into the car with help of Shane. He sat down on the seat while his roommate was lifting his chair in the cargo hold. 

Through the windshield he caught a glimpse of Juice, who stood a little lost in the middle of the parking lot. With hanging shoulders, he stared at the van. 

* * *

When Kozik was in Shane's apartment, he decided to say something about it. He rolled the wheel chair towards Shane, who had flopped down on the couch, and cleared his throat. "You think I'm homophobic?"

Wildly, the boy looked up. "What?"

"You don't know the meaning of that word?"

"Of course I do," he grunted. "But I'm not... gay."

Kozik rolled his eyes. "Bisexual then."

The boy clenched his teeth. "I'm not bisexual either."

With a sigh Kozik leaned back. The first two days Juice had been around a lot. He had helped to move his stuff and the day after he'd stuck around. Even a deaf blind would notice that there was something going on between those two. It was shown in the way they looked at each other, and all the moments Juice was briefly touching him when there really was no need to, and he really didn't understand why Shane wanted to hide it. 

"But he  _is_ in love with you."

"I know that."

Kozik studied the boy's face. "Well, it's your call kid. But there's no need to hide it from me. I see why you find it hard to come out in a world like ours, but I really don't give a fuck. I know you two spent almost every evening together the past weeks, so I really can't see a reason to change that now."

"It has nothing to do with you," Shane answered with a grim face. "It's just fucking annoying when someone's constantly pushing for more while all you want is being friends."

Kozik held his glance. "It's also fucking annoying when someone's lying straight into your face. C'mon Shane. I've seen the two of you together. You're no better in keeping his eyes off him than the other way around. And that's fine, you know. To be honest I never saw you look at Mila as I've seen you look at Juice over the past weeks. So even if you're not lying to me now, you're definitely lying to yourself. Whatever it is – I'm already feeling like a burden and knowing that I'm turning your social life upside down is making things worse. So I'm gonna say it again; I'm not homophobic, I have no problem with you and Juice and I think you're hurting him unnecessarily now. 

"He's a big boy, he'll get over it. I need a smoke."

After those words, Shane walked out the door. 

Sighing, Kozik watched him leave. Maybe it was none of his business, but he couldn't get rid off the feeling that he was complicating the boy's life by moving in with him and he hated the fact that the kid was too stubborn to see that there was nothing to be ashamed of. 

That kid had saved his life. The only thing he was getting in return now was being in a fight with what had been his best friend or maybe even his lover just a couple of days ago. And although Kozik knew that things were out of his hands now and that he had done everything he could, he still felt guilty. 

He felt like he was an intruder in someone else's life.


	66. Messed Up Feelings

It was mainly a lack of trust that caused Alex to keep her distance from Juice. He just couldn't convince her he wouldn't unintentionally show the others that she was a girl when they were making out in public. Even something as simple as walking hand in hand might change their view on her; maybe they noticed that her hands were too elegant for a man, or that her arms were remarkably skinny. It just felt safer to keep their feelings for each other between the walls of their houses – and yes, Kozik made things a little harder for them. A few days after he had moved in with her he had been plagued by erratic fevers, so that there had been other things on her mind than messing around with her boyfriend. When Juice had a hard time understanding it, it had only called up more frustration. 

"It's every day another excuse!" he lashed out to her after a long day of work. 

She had purposefully avoided him most of the day, but right when she wanted to go home he had shown up next to her. He had asked her if they could at least have dinner together, but she couldn't since Mila had a night shift and needed to leave. 

"Why can't I just join you? It's more suspicious that you are completely ignoring me than that I'm just hanging out at your place once in a while. As far as he knows, you're my best friend."

"He already knows you want more from me," she said, looking over her shoulder because she didn't want the others to see them fighting again. 

"He's really sick! You really think he pays attention to what we do?!"

She sighed. It was the thought that counted. She just felt uncomfortable when he was around. "The day after tomorrow Mila doesn't have to work. Then I come to your place, okay?"

"Yeah? And what if she has other plans? That wouldn't be the first time! Just sent a croweater to Kozik!" He squinted his eyes. "I get the feeling you don't wanna see me at all and that Kozik is just an excuse."

Alex let out a frustrated sigh. Man, why was he such a pain in the ass? "Your constant whining isn't exactly persuading me to spend time with you, no. I mean – the little time we  _do_ spend together we're only fighting." She unlocked her bike and mounted it, cautiously rolling it backwards. 

"That's not my fault! All I want is having the feeling that I have a girlfriend!"

Alex scowled at him. His voice wasn't exactly soft and a few steps behind him some croweaters were smoking. "You really have to pay more attention to your words."

He rolled his eyes. "Well if we go on like this we won't be talking at all soon."

"Whatever." Without saying another word, she started her bike and took off. 

Yeah, leaving him like this caused a pit in her stomach. She however couldn't change much about her feelings; right now he just seemed to suffocate her. All day long she needed to make sure that nobody noticed that she was a woman; that she had to be alert in her own home too messed with her head and if she  _also_ needed to make sure that Juice didn't slip up she would go crazy. 

Things wouldn't be this way forever. Kozik just needed the attention right now; once his rehabilitation had started he needed less help so she could spend more time with Juice. Why couldn't he understand that?

* * *

Juice wasn't the only one who was bothered by the fact that Alex was keeping him at distance. Kozik felt uncomfortable about it too. He hadn't seen Juice since the first days and it was bothering him. Slowly he started to fear that there was another reason why Shane had lost his interest for the man. By now he lived here for two weeks. At first he had been really happy with the prospect's help, but it started to feel like the walls where closing in around him. The kid was a little too caring. In his delirium Kozik had even thought to have felt his fingers stroking his clammy forehead and hair. Initially he had thought that he was delirious, but somehow he interpreted the kid's glances different now. Maybe it was stupid and not making any sense, but somehow he was afraid that Shane wanted to be more than friends or brothers. Maybe Juice had just been his first gay experience, and was he looking for something else now; that would explain why Shane didn't want Kozik to see him and Juice together. He however didn't dare to bring it up – what if he was wrong, if he had only dreamed about it? – but it didn't change the fact that he wasn't looking forward to Shane's return after a day of work and he felt relieved the moment the boy left the house again. He felt guilty about it, especially because the kid had done so much for him, but his current fear that there had been a double agenda, iced him to the core. It was true what he had said; he was not homophobic. That however didn't mean that he liked men touching him in tender ways. 

"I have to go, okay? Work's waiting. You okay on your own? Shane can get home any minute." Mila's voice dragged him out of his thoughts. 

He nodded. He'd survive. 

To be honest, she made the situation even more complicated. Fearing that Shane had a crush on him was one thing; that it was his ex of all people who spent so much time with him, felt just as weird. He tried to forget about it; Mila was a great woman and they'd had some deep conversations. For some reason she had turned out to be great support, mainly because of the calm way she dealt with his frustration when he couldn't get things done, and every morning he was secretly hoping that she would show up and take Shane's place.

The front door was closed. Sighing, Kozik leaned back. She was just done cooking; the smell of baked potatoes and meat was still floating around. Actually it was crazy what she was still doing for her ex. Never before he had seen it, but she was actually a good old lady. At first he had thought that the club life just didn't fit her, but she had proven to be very flexible and slowly he had realized that it had probably been Shane's feelings for the other sex that had ruined their relationship. 

* * *

Juice tried to distract himself. He was feeling off for a couple of days now and after every fight with Alex it got worse. It felt like he wasn't allowed to criticize anything anymore. Somehow they had slipped back into the habit of Alex deciding everything about their relationship; and his only role was to agree with her. He was sick of it. It felt like they weren't moving forward at all. Every time he thought they had gotten closer, something happened after which they took ten steps back. And maybe it sounded hypocrite, but Juice was convinced that it wasn't his fault. He gave her space, he tried really hard not to live in her pocket the whole time – but seeing your girlfriend one night a week, was that really too much to ask? The past two weeks she had been at his home only two times – the first time she had been so tired that she had fallen asleep on the couch and the second time they'd had sex, but it had felt like an obligation. It was just part of having a relationship; there had been no passion. Juice doubted things would change anytime soon; not as long as she kept stubborn, claiming that it was impossible for her to be with him and Kozik in the same room. 

He could keep himself in check. He just wanted to be near her, spend time with her. Actually there had been a couple of times that he had been on the verge of telling Kozik that they  _were_ in a relationship but that Shane was too chicken to admit it. He however had changed his mind, knowing it was just another bomb that would damage their relationship.

With a sulky face he stared at a croweater who was dancing around the stripper pole. Watching her didn't give him much pleasure; his thoughts were somewhere else. 

Which his brothers noticed too. 

Bobby nudged his shoulder. "Why that long face brother? I think it's time you get a good blowjob." Laughing, he winked at him. 

Juice's jaw tensed. During his last blow job, his girlfriend had freaked out because he had reminded her of her rapist. 

"C'mon Juicy, let one of the girls entertain ya hmm?" Tig agreed with his friend. "Have you even seen something else than a dick the past weeks? A little bit of variation is gonna be good."

Juice sighed. What the hell was he supposed to answer now? 

Apparently they weren't expecting an answer; Tig whistled and summoned one of the girls. 

"Why don't you give Juicy a little bit of love, sweetheart. We're sick of his sour face. I'm sure you know how to cheer 'm up."

The girl sat down on his lap and showed him a sweet smile. Her fingertips stroked his cheek and neck, and Juice felt his breathing speed up. He knew he shouldn't do this; he had a girlfriend, but at the same time it didn't leave him indifferent that there were also girls who  _did_ want to touch him, who weren't constantly looking for reasons  _not to be_ with him. 

"Come on sweetheart." Her hand glided across his chest and towards his crotch. The men around him laughed, and because their stares were making him feel uncomfortable he got up. 

He wanted to tell her that he didn't need her services, that he was fine. The words however didn't leave his lips, and when she gently led him to the dorm rooms, he failed to pull his hand loose. 

A part of him just longed for some attention; the soft voice of a woman, fingers which were appreciatively stroking his skin and lips that couldn't get enough of him.

 


	67. Makind Demands

He couldn't do it. 

When the croweater started to unbuckle his belt, he already felt how the guilt was closing him in. This wouldn't help him – it wouldn't even take away his frustration. He had a fucking girlfriend, it made no sense that he still needed a whore to get laid. 

"Forget about it." Sighing, he pushed the girl away. 

He didn't want to be the cheating boyfriend, the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants when they were facing problems within in their relationship. Then he would be the asshole. It was hard to blame her for not being able to lead a normal relationship when he was unfaithful himself. 

The girl looked a little dazed at him, and with an impatient wave of his hand he told her to fuck off. In the bathroom he freshened up and decided to go to her house. Up to now that had been the best solution – being persistent when she tried to push him away. He had a feeling they had talked about this a thousand times, but there wasn't much else he could do. Maybe he should just get angry again. Maybe  _he_ should be the one making demands this time. And if she didn't give in, he could still end their relationship and get himself a whore. But he wouldn't cheat on her. 

He shaved his face and his head, and put on aftershave. Maybe it would help. He just wanted to feel wanted; he wanted things to be like they had been in the beginning.

* * *

Ten minutes later he rang the bell. It took long before she opened the door, and her face told him immediately that she wasn't happy to see him. 

"Is Kozik asleep?" he asked. 

She nodded. "On the couch."

Juice wondered if that was really true or if she tried to keep him out of her house. He bit the inside of his cheek. What the hell were they doing if questions like that were plaguing him? 

"We gotta talk. I can do this anymore, Alex. I need to be with my girl."

"I planned to go to your house tomorrow, I already told you that."

Annoyed, he gritted his teeth. "It's fucking bullshit that I have to make  _an appointment_ to see my girlfriend!"

She sighed. "What do you wanna hear now, Juice? You know why things are difficult. There's a sick man on the couch, why –"

"Stop blaming Kozik for this! He's asleep now. He's not the reason that you're staring at me like I'm some shitty little brat. I don't know what's wrong with you this time, but  _I_ have needs too. Not just sex; I don't want to schedule a visit to my girl because she's afraid that someone will notice that we're in a relationship. How old are we, thirteen? I won't lick you all over in public if you don't want to, but there really is no harm in people knowing about our feelings."

"That's your opinion."

Frustrated, he clenched his hands to fists. He thought about the girl who had just been in his room. He hadn't done anything with her, but would Alex even care if he had? 

"I let a croweater blow me."

She stared him in the eye. Would she start to yell? Cry? 

"Okay," was all she said. 

"Okay?!" he answered annoyed. 

"What else did you expect? A medal?"

"I expected you to care!" he yelled, and suddenly he could no longer ignore his frustration. "You don't give a shit about us! Every normal girl would cry or get angry after hearing something like that, but you couldn't care less if I fucked other women!"

"That I'm not crying doesn't mean that I don't care."

Tears were stinging in his eyes. He didn't believe she truly cared. 

"Why don't you just dump me if you're so sick of me?" he snapped. "Why do I have to beg at your door for a little bit of your time? I'm done, Alex. I've had it up to here!" By reflex, he grabbed the collar of her kutte and pushed her further into the hallway. Roughly, he pushed her against the wall. Her eyes were smoldering, but his no less. 

The last time he had been angry, it had turned her on. Was that what she wanted from him? That he was less sensitive, that he cared less about her feelings and just took what he wanted? 

"You're not having a relationship on your own," he said in a growl, his face close to hers. "What I want isn't less important than what you want. From now on I will make demands for our relationship and you're gonna accept them or we're done."

"You cheated on me. Why the hell do you think we're still in a relationship," she huffed.

He looked her in the eye. There were so many emotions radiating from her face that he felt the urge to be tender again, but he fought his weakness. "I was lying. I was about to do it but I didn't want to ruin our relationship because of it. But if you don't give me what I want now, I'll go to her anyway."

"So? You're gonna force me to fuck you now?"

"No." He laid his hand on her hip and slipped it to her crotch. "You want me. I know you want me."

Her breathing sped up. Her eyes told him that he was right; the lust was flaring up. A few seconds she stared at him, then she pressed her lips against his. 

It was a rough, greedy kiss. Their clothes dropped down without anyone paying attention to the front door that was still ajar. Fingers clawed through flesh, bite marks were left on skin, scratches making them growl. The moment she stood naked in front of him, he lifted her up and backed her against the door towards the living room. Even if Kozik would be attracted by the noise and mistake them for a burglar or something, he wouldn't be able to open the door. 

His hand glided across her throat and pushed back her head, softly squeezing the soft flesh. 

"Fuck you're so hot right now," she whispered. 

His lips ghosted across her neck while he lifted her a little higher. 

Roughly, he pushed himself inside her. For a moment he was afraid that this would remind her of the rape, then he realized that she would have lashed out if he reminded her of Miles. 

"You think this is hot, hmm?" he whispered in her ear. He squeezed her breast, still thrusting inside her. "You just want me to claim what is mine? Cause you're mine, Alex."

A deep moan was her answer, and her heels pushed him closer. He picked up the pace, enjoying the sounds she made. She sounded like a girl, like a girl wanting more and more and more. That Kozik might hear her, didn't bother him. 

"Yeah, this is how I like it," he grunted when she rolled her hips, causing him to hit her deeper. Feeling how badly she wanted him, how she was digging her nails in his back and how she couldn't keep her body still, made his doubts vanish. Her walls started to close around him, and with his body shaking he surrendered to his orgasm. Satisfied, he leaned against her while he gave himself a minute to recover. Then he pulled himself out of her and pulled up his jeans without saying anything. 

She hadn't cum yet, he knew that all too well. He saw the hesitation in her eyes, grabbed her shirt from the ground and tossed it to her. "I'm done. I got what I came for."

"You're fuckin' serious?" Her voice was full of disbelief. 

"Yeah. Knew you'd be better than the whores in the clubhouse." He put on his shirt. 

She looked hurt, but that was right what he wanted. 

"If you don't wanna be my girl, then I guess you're my whore," he answered. "Let me know when you want another round."

"You know I wanna be your girl."

"Fine. Tell the others that we're in a relationship."

Her jaw tensed. "I can't."

He shrugged. "Then you're my whore at most. It's up to you, Alex, but I'm sick of playing hide and sick. You're gonna tell everyone about us or there won't be anything to tell them."

Slamming the door behind him, he left.  
  



	68. Whores

 

_'Then you're my whore at most.'_

Alex could barely believe that he had really told her that. Not so long ago he had been incredibly sweet, when she had gone through that flashback while blowing him and now he was calling her a whore himself? She however wouldn't show him how much his words hurt her. 

Quietly, she dressed herself again. The thought that this had probably been the last time they'd done it while it had ended like  _this,_ gave her a bitter taste. But this was the way things were. If he was done with her, it was over. It was simple as that.

She wasn't going to jeopardize her patch for him. It was probably better to quit it anyway – the fun was over. It was better if she focused on her mission again; there had been too much times that he had almost ruined it for her. 

That night however she kept feeling restless. Staring at the ceiling she tried to ignore the nagging pain in her stomach. It would go away. 

* * *

But it didn't go away. In the days that followed they didn't speak to each other. In silence she worked in the garage while the loneliness started to set in. She preferred to leave the clubhouse early; she however had noticed that Mila and Kozik were getting ,along a little too well, making her feel unwelcome in her own apartment. At the moment she was standing behind the bar, pouring drinks, her eyes continuously wandering to Juice. She hated it, for she knew what he planned to do tonight. Kiss other chicks. 

And not only kissing them, she noticed a couple of hours later. He was enjoying his freedom really well; she was forced to watch a croweater give him a lapdance and saw them end up on the pool table not much later, showing her more bare skin than she wanted to see. She buried her pain deeply. This was her choice. She didn't want to be a couple in public and he didn't want to be a couple in secrecy. There were no other options. 

After rinsing off the glasses, she poured herself a whiskey. She talked to no one, feeling lonelier than ever. It felt like her relationship with all her brothers was connected to Juice. The fact that there were three Nomads hanging around since this afternoon, wasn't very helpful either. She didn't know them and it called up her old fear to be exposed. 

That it was no unfounded fear, was proven when one of them wrapped an arm around her. A shock traveled through her body because of the sudden touch and she turned her head to the side. 

"Didn't know they let chicks prospect too."

Alex felt all the color being drained from her face. With wide eyes she stared at him. Was he joking – or did he really see through her disguise? She didn't know him, the only thing she had discovered was that they called him Frankie. 

"Only when they can shoot as good as I can," she answered, feigning a smirk and assuming that he was just trying to get a rise out of her. 

"Or if you can give a good blow." He winked. "Juice said you were good."

 _What?!_ Her stomach cringed, her jaw dropped. 

"So? You gonna show me? I bet mine's bigger than his."

"No thanks." Her eyes wandered off to Juice while all her muscles tensed. What an asshole. She left Frankie behind with his fantasies, rushed to the pool table and grabbed Juice's collar, who was nose deep in some cleavage. Angrily, she pulled him off the table. 

"The fuck?" he grunted when he hit the ground. The moment he looked up and saw her, a smirk crossed his lips. "What do you want baby? You wanna be the one I'm gonna bang on that table? We're gonna play the jealous ex now?"

"If you don't want me to jam a cue in your throat you better come with me," she grumbled. 

He got up, rubbing his back. "Now that ain't driving me very wild. If I have to choose between listening to your bullshit and playing with the nipple ring of that lady over there that isn't a very difficult choice." He licked his bottom lip. 

Her eyes followed his tongue – and despite the anger she was feeling, there were also tingles in her spine. Leaning into him, she whispered: "But if you come with, I'm gonna play with you." This time, it was her tongue slipping across the ring in her lip. 

Juice's eyes shot from the croweater who was lying on the table like some model, to her. 

_Yeah, he'd be crazy if he chooses me over her._

He however nodded to the back, to the dorm rooms. 

Alex wondered if he really believed he was getting laid. 

But apparently he did – she had barely closed the door of his bedroom when he started to unbutton his pants. Leaning against the door, she looked dismissively at him. "You really think I'm gonna suck you? Oh well – maybe I should... and stop right before you cum. If there hadn't been a dozen whores around to finish the job, I might have done that."

"Oh no baby, don't worry. I'm just going to beat off while you're gonna rant; having a little bit of benefit from you're psychotic moods." His hand slipped into his pants. "Maybe your anger is gonna make me horny. You know, just like when I'm turning you on when I'm mad. You know you could just have asked me to talk, right? Instead of throwing me on the ground?"

Shrugging, she watched how he lowered his pants and started to masturbate. Somewhere deep inside she had to admit that his cocky and indifferent attitude was turning her on. 

_Hell, why not. We're a twisted couple anyway._

Unbuttoning her pants, she slipped her hand into her boxers and started to stimulate herself. "You think you're scaring me off with that?" she huffed. Lowering her pants and boxers, she played with herself, showing him a smug smirk when his eyes were drawn to her hand. 

In turn, she watched him as well as he took his hard cock out of his boxers. Her breathing sped up as she thought back to the last time they'd had sex; how rough he had been, how his hand had glided across her throat and how he had squeezed. For the first time he had been the dominant one – and she'd loved it. Leaning with her shoulders against the door, she listened to the echoes of their moans. Tinglings gathered in her legs. He had also a hard time to stand straight, and in the end he sat down on the end of his bed. 

She could no longer hold back. She climbed on his lap and grinded her waist against his. Grunting, he pushed himself inside her. Panting, his lips found hers while his hands slipped underneath her shirt. Moaning into each other's mouths and clawing in each other hair, they came right after each other. A little confused she leaned against him. The moment her breathing had normalized, she climbed off him and dressed herself. 

"Guess you're my whore too."

He didn't answer.

For a brief moment they might have hoped that their problems were magically solved, but they weren't. 

"You're gonna do this every time I'm touching other girls? You really think no one will notice?"

"Do whatever you want with 'em," she huffed. "I know I'm the one you're thinking of. That wasn't the reason why I'm mad." She buttoned her pants. "Stop telling everyone that I'm good in sucking dicks. Maybe I'm your whore, but I'm not everyone's whore."

He frowned. "The fuck are you talking about?"

"Frankie came to me, asked me if girls were prospecting too now, and then he said you'd told him that I give good blows."

With a sigh, he stood up and pulled up his boxers. "I never said that. He's just messing with you."

Suspiciously, she looked at him. He came to stand in front of her. For a moment she thought that he was going to hold her hands, in the end his arms just hung down. "I'm angry, I'm frustrated. But I still love you and I know how important that patch is for you. I would never claim that you try to get your top rocker by blowing us. To be honest, I hate the idea that they all think that I like having men around my dick so I'm definitely not going to brag about it." He held her glance. "But yeah, they're talking about us – they've drawn their conclusions anyway and you're an easy target. Especially as long as you're getting upset about it and try to deny it. I think it will only help you if they believe that you're in a relationship with me."

"I don't think they give a shit about me having a relationship or not."

"Then why hiding it?" The agitated, mocking glance left his eyes, leaving behind his vulnerability. 

Alex sighed. 

Then she turned around and walked away without saying anything. 

Right now, she knew no answer to that question. 

 


	69. Bonding

Alex didn't stay in the clubhouse. Neither did she go home – it wasn't even 11 PM. She would only feel awkward there, especially when Mila and Kozik  _were_ having a good time. If she was honest, she hoped something would bloom between those two, even if that would complicate things for her. They both deserved some love and happiness. 

A ride, that was what she needed. The open air and the speed, the idea to separate herself from her thoughts. She mounted her bike and strapped her helmet. Then she rolled backwards and left the parking lot. 

There were countless reasons why this was a stupid idea. Firstly, she had drank too much to ride; especially long distances. Furthermore the club had so many enemies at the moment that it was dangerous to leave Charming on her own, and eventually she was sure that she was going to cross the speed limit, and getting pulled over by the police would blow her cover. 

None of these reasons however was convincing enough. Right now she didn't care if she would crash into a truck or was gunned down. There was no longing to die, she wouldn't do what Juice had been about to do... but she was totally indifferent when something  _would_ happen to her. 

The tightening feeling in her chest was eased a little when she was on the highway, getting rid of her inhibitions. The wind blew into her face; fresh and illuminating, and the speed made her fingers tingle. For a moment she thought about nothing, being led by the wheels underneath her. For a moment she felt nothing – and the nothing wasn't gnawing or suffocating this time; it was just... nothing. 

* * *

Alex shoved her hands deep into her pockets as she stared at the front door. She didn't even know what had brought her here. After yesterday she hadn't been in the mood to hang out in the clubhouse; she didn't want to be around Juice when it wasn't necessary, and Mila had taken Kozik to a musical for which she had won tickets. Or she had bought them – Alex suspected. Mila believed it was good for the man to be around people, especially people who didn't constantly remind him of his broken future and the fact that he might never ride again. Her friend had even suggested that Alex should go to the show with Kozik, but that had been a dumb proposition. As if two bikers would hang out there together. 

"No, you should take him there. I'll be okay," Alex had told her. 

Well – she really wasn't okay.

But Mila and Kozik didn't need to know that. 

Squaring her shoulders, she walked up the garden path before she would change her mind. She rang the bell. 

The surprise on the other woman's face wasn't surprising Alex; she neither knew what she was doing here. Or maybe she did. If there was anyone who could influence Jax, it was his mother. Bonding a little with her wasn't a bad idea, even though Gemma was so observant that Alex was taking a risk. 

"Hey..." Gemma's eyes wandered from Alex to the street behind her, as if she was expecting other Sons. 

She cleared her throat. "Hey. I haven't seen you in a while, so I wanted to check up on you. Maybe you want some company or something."

The woman studied her face. "And you think you're the best company I could get?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea. But the door isn't hard to find when I'm not."

The corner of Gemma's mouth curled up, then she let her in. 

Alex followed the woman to the living room and stood still next to the bird cage. With her fingers she tapped against the bars while watching the blue parrot. Turning around, she sat down at the couch, lighting a cigarette. It had been a while since she had been here; she had been invited over two times for dinner when she had started prospecting. 

Instead of starting small talk, she nodded to a picture on the mantelpiece. There were two blonde children on it, one of them clearly Jax. "Who's the kid on the right?"

Gemma sat down next to her and crossed her legs. She lit up a cigarette as well. Now she was sitting close to the woman, she noticed that the bruises hadn't completely faded yet. Alex didn't know what exactly had happened, but the fact that Clay and she had broken up had found its way to her ears. Had Clay hit her? Maybe Gemma picking her son's side had frustrated him. That didn't justify domestic violence, but Alex' own fuse was too short to judge anyone else's temper. 

"My son, Thomas. He died when he was six."

Gemma looked her straight in the eye, as if she expected Alex to drop her eyes. She didn't. Gemma wasn't the type of woman who wanted to be pitied. "How?"

"A congenital heart defect."

Alex nodded slowly, biting on the piece of metal inside her lip. It was a strange idea that both Jax and she had lost a younger brother, although their shared grief wouldn't have changed anything about their current situation. 

"What was he like?" she asked. She usually preferred to call up good memories instead of paying attention to his departure. 

The small smile around Gemma's lips told her she agreed with that thought. "It was an energetic kid, enjoying everything. He was very easy. It always gave me courage; it felt like he refused to let himself been beaten by his disease." She got up, walked to the picture and sat down again. With her thumb she stroked the wooden frame. 

Alex knew what she was thinking. 

That she would sacrifice everything in the world to caress his face one more time, to hold him in her arms for another minute, to hear his laughter once more. 

"You lost someone yourself, didn't you?"

Her voice startled Alex. She had been staring at the picture for a while; Kip's face had taken Thomas' place. Her sight was blurry and she cursed herself for not noticing how tears had gathered in her eyes. 

Taking a deep breath, she blinked them away. "My parents. My little brother."

"Jeez."

Alex pulled up a knee to keep distance between Gemma and her, she was afraid the woman would pull her into a motherly hug otherwise. 

"My dad died in a car crash when I was 11," she said, sticking to the story that she had told Juice initially. "Mom hung herself a few months later." Dragging from her cigarette, she leaned back in the couch. "My brother died two years ago. Bullet in the head. Wrong time, wrong place."

Gemma squeezed Alex's knee when she stood up. She walked to a closet and returned with two joints. Pot – the answer on everything, she thought bitterly. Just like the time she had talked about this with Juice. 

Alex nodded gratefully to the woman. She had no doubts that Gemma believed that the loss of her parents was the real reason that she was here. Because she missed them and because Gemma was some kind of mother figure for everyone. And well – maybe she wasn't wrong. 

It felt like the drug was breaking down their walls. Until deep into the night they kept talking about things they probably hadn't talked about in a long time. Alex told the woman how hard it was to find her place among the others, that she had feelings for Juice which she didn't dare to show the others and that she didn't feel welcome at home anymore now Kozik and Mila seemed to develop feelings for each other. In turn, Gemma told her about her sons, about the loss of her first husband and the break with her current one. Alex however declined a second joint – as trustworthy as the woman presented herself right now, Alex knew that Jax meant the world to her. No matter how good their talks were, she wouldn't keep the knowledge that Shane was actually a woman to herself and so Alex made sure that she was sharing Shane's sorrows and past – and not Alex's. 

When she headed home around 2 AM, she felt a little lighter. Just talking about things without getting too emotional had helped her. Especially because Gemma was a great listener. She had mainly listened, hadn't asked a lot of questions and she hadn't tried to comfort her with consoling touches. Things Juice had done. Things she had needed – but not today. 

 


	70. Conspiracies

A few days had passed since her visit to Gemma. It had given her some peace of mind. What to do with Juice, was however still an unanswered question. She was just tired of the constant fights. But she missed him, it was impossible to deny. Her eyes never left him alone when he was around and she felt lonely at night. They avoided each other as much as possible, which seemed to be best solution. 

Sure, there were many moments she considered to just kiss him in the middle of the clubhouse, so their feelings were no longer a secret and he would want to move on with her. There was however always something holding her back. Especially now those Nomads were hanging out in the clubhouse, she didn't want to be known as Juice's little bitch. Maybe she would do it later, when she had proven herself to those new guys like she had proven herself to the others. As soon as they wouldn't consider her as a pussy anymore, she might give in. 

Although deep down, she knew she would come up with another excuse. 

Maybe it just felt wrong to choose Juice over her little brother – to increase the chance on discovery only so she could get laid again. She was stronger than those instincts. She could ignore them. 

The doubts however returned when they were both sent to Gemma's house to pack Clay's stuff. He was released from the hospital today and Gemma didn't want him to come home. Except for them, only Chucky was around, so they were dependent on each other. 

He wasn't unfriendly. Although they weren't joking around like they would have done in the past, he wasn't insensitive either and he sometimes helped her to get things done without making spiteful remarks. He acted normal – undoubtedly because Clay and Chucky were around. 

Alex wished he  _was_ hostile. His calm voice and small smiles called up the longing for him. She didn't rule out that he was behaving like this on purpose, just to trigger a reaction, but the few times she looked into his eyes she saw nothing but sincerity. 

It hurt. Made her doubt. 

Maybe he acted like this because he was over her. Because he had finally realized that having a girl like her was a nightmare. 

Even when they were alone, his demeanor didn't change. Alex kept sitting with her back towards him as she cleaned out a closet and put the stuff in a box. She however noticed that she was wishing that he would show up behind her; that he would wrap his arms around her and tell her that he had forgiven her. 

He however kept his distance, an although he wasn't ignoring her, he neither made a pass at her. 

"Would you ever want me back?" The question slipped her lips and she cast her glance down. 

She heard him putting a box on the ground and reluctantly she turned around. 

"Depends. You're gonna change anything about your behavior?"

"I'm not going to change for you."

Sighing, he lifted the box. "Then I don't want you back."

Alex rubbed her face when he walked away. She didn't even know where that answer had came from. Something inside her had just protested strongly when he pointed out that she needed to change for him, even though she didn't even know what changes he wanted to see. Was it only about revealing her feelings to the others? Or were there other characteristics he couldn't deal with? She wasn't some lump of clay he could mold to his liking. 

In silence Alex carried out her task. She was relieved when everything was packed and wanted to go home, but Clay motioned her to come closer. 

"I wanna share a few words with you."

She nodded slowly. "Okay..."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Chucky and Juice had left the building. That she stayed behind, didn't raise questions inside Juice – or he didn't care. 

Clay waved towards the sitting area. Alex sat down on the couch, Clay on a chair. The man looked exhausted, much older than before he had been shot. 

"Jax made good use of my absence, crowning himself king," Clay started after a while. "The way he took the gavel in hand, showed me that he isn't worthy to be president. I know that you have your concerns about Jax being at the head of the table." For a moment he was silent and seemed to be looking for words, although he studied her face with a frowned forehead. "Together with the Nomads I'm working on a plan to make him step down."

Alex was silent, overwhelmed because he was sharing this with her. Why on earth would he do that? She was just a prospect, her opinion meant shit to them. 

"I see your qualities, Alex. Between you and me – we never had a prospect we could count on so quickly. If it was up to me, I would have shortened your prospect time. Maybe it makes Jax jealous. He thinks that you're ten years younger than he; imagine what potential you have when you are as old as he is. I'm not surprised he considers you as a rival, especially because you're not afraid to share your opinion, not even if it isn't in line with our prince's." 

Alex couldn't help his words made her beam with pride, even when she kept in mind that Clay was telling her this for a reason. There was no doubt that he was charming her to get something done. 

"I'm going to be honest with you: Jax is never going to give you that patch. Why would he patch someone in who is doubting his decisions, who believes he hasn't earned the right to hold the gavel? He's looking for a way to get rid of you without the others becoming suspicious, and when he does, you're done. And well – let's be honest... the fact that you're actually a girl isn't very helpful."

Alex heaved a sigh. "What do you want, Clay? I might be young, but not that young that you need to coddle me."

He lifted the corner of his mouth; he valued her honesty. "I want to show Charming that the town isn't prospecting from Jax being on the head of the table. We both know he isn't ready. I want to create some riots here and there... make sure people will feel unsafe... Jax is acting like he's a real man, but the moment things aren't going according to his plan, he changes into a little brat. He will doubt his qualities once he notices that people are feeling restless and lose faith in him. And his lapdogs will also discover that Jax is no saint and that he's making mistakes too." He cleared his throat. "You are the only one who has seen his sly side, Alex, when he was pointing the dagger at the throat of his critically ill president and stepfather, only to put himself on a pedestal. The others – I can't trust them. I've already involved the nomads in my plan, they're still loyal to me. I hope... I can count on you too. That your loyalty hasn't changed the past weeks."

Alex didn't answer immediately; it was a lot to take in. One thing however was sure – her loyalty lied indeed with Clay and not with Jax. It however was a bold move to show that; she didn't have a lot of friends right now. On the other hand: Clay definitely liked her, he wouldn't kick her out if he knew he could trust her. She would even have his support, the moment she told the others who she really was – that is, if he was the one wearing the president patch. Which meant that he needed to retake the seat on the head of the table. 

"If I say no, you're gonna expose me huh?" He hadn't said a word about it, but Alex wasn't stupid. Except for Juice and Tara, he was the only one who knew her secret. He was smart enough to use the knowledge to his benefit. 

Clay leaned forward. "Let's just say that I feel a mutual trust between us and that I believe that you're loyal to the club and its rightful president. But if you disagree... well, then I might have been wrong about your loyalty. Consider it as the ultimate way to prove your loyalty to the club. Or do you think the club is better off with Jax?"

"No," she sighed, rubbing her face. "What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Like I said – the three Nomads are already in the loop. I want them to raid some houses, to smash the place up, rough up the owner a little bit... Nothing serious – just to scare them off."

Alex thought about his words. She wasn't exactly a big fan of gratuitous violence – but was her aversion so big that she would give up her kutte? She knew damn well that she was fucked if she didn't go along with it. Clay might make it sound like she wasn't his puppet, but she actually was. 

Her only other option, was telling this to Jax. 

But then what? He was still the one who had taken control of the club in a disgusting way. Who knows what mess he would create if he kept acting on impulse. 

"I don't really get where you need me for," she said. 

"I want three people to do the raids. That's a good amount to scare people off. Greg has a fake leg, making him a liability. Someone might notice his limp – and there aren't many guys around with a prosthetic." Clay looked her in the eye. "And I have the feeling we're on the same line, Alex. I know you don't want Jax to be the one judging your fate."

Alex picked on the ring in her lip while thinking. "When do you want it done?"

"The next couple of days. I'll give you a list with addresses."

She didn't like the idea to give some innocent civilians a beat down, but as long as she was around she could make sure it wouldn't be too bad. And well – eventually those people would survive a few punches. 

"Okay."

Clay's lips bent into a satisfied smirk. "I knew I could count on you. However, I do think it's better if you don't tell this to your old man. Keeping secrets... isn't one of his talents, I fear. He got no spine."

Alex snorted. "He' ain't my old man anymore. There's no reason to fill him in."

The man nodded slowly. "Good. You can go now."

Alex got up and left the house. This could work out really good; once Clay was back at the head of the table and Jax's treacherous nature was exposed to the others. Plus, in the meantime she could bond with the three Nomads. The fact that she was the only one Clay confided in, would certainly change their minds about Shane being a pussy. 

Delighted, she sat down on her bike. Things weren't as hopeless as she had thought. 

* * *

 

Hey all! I've started a new Juice fic, it's called 'Roomies'. Most of my other stories are so dark or dramatic that it's sometimes influencing my mood, so I kinda wanted to write something lighter and funnier now the summer has started. You'd be the best if you check it out! 

The blurb:   
Getting a roommate sounded like an easy way to save money. However, being stuck with the most annoying girl on the planet wasn't what Juice had in mind when he opened his apartment to what he thought was a decent and quiet young man. 

* * *

 


	71. Comfort

It had to happen tonight. The raid at Unser's.

She didn't feel good about it, but Alex knew it was too late to back out. Since the chief was a friend of the club, she didn't understand why Clay picked him. Still she trusted the insight of her former president. It wasn't really her place to ask questions, she had learned that by now. 

It had been a rough day and she rather went to bed early than waiting until 11 AM. First of all, Phil had been driven off the road this morning. As far as she knew, it had been the Niners. Since Clay had been shot, things had been quiet, but today had proven that the air wasn't cleared at all. At the end of the morning, Piney's memorial had finally taken place, to which she had taken Kozik. A little later Jax had returned with Bobby, who had been released from prison. They were finally complete – and to celebrate, the three Nomads were officially patched over. 

Alex started to feel useless now the workshop was so busy. It was a small comfort to know that Clay had given her a secret mission, because Jax saved all the shitty jobs for her, making her scrub the toilets every day and she swore that he had told the others to miss the toilets at purpose. 

Still she kept going without complaining. At least it caused her to be away from Juice most of the time, although he seemed to feel that need as well. She didn't know where he was most of the time, but suspected him to retreat to his room when working on his laptop. 

Around 9 she got a call from Gemma. 

"I have a bit of an odd request," she started. "But could you go to Tig's house? His daughter died a few hours ago and I think someone should keep an eye on him. Something tells me you know better how to deal with such loss than his other brothers."

Dazed, Alex rubbed her face. A little more than an hour ago Chibs had been around to fill Kozik in, and she had caught a few of his words; that Tig's daughter was burnt alive before the eyes of her father. But why did Gemma send  _her?_ She was so overwhelmed that she agreed before she knew it. She couldn't come up with a good excuse anyway. 

For a while she stared forward, then she called Clay. 

"Yeah?" the man grunted.

"Gemma just told me to go to Tig, to keep an eye on him. I'm sure you know better what happened to his daughter than me." She hesitated. "I was afraid I would raise suspicion if I told her that I had to do something for the club this late. Maybe we should go to Unser tomorrow?"

Clay sighed. "Why did she sent you to Tig?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno – the other day we had a good talk about Thomas. Maybe she believes that I can help him with a good talk as well, I dunno. What do you want me to do?"

"Hmm. Go. We'll do the raid tomorrow."

Alex nodded. "Okay."

She ended the call. The fact that he didn't want to carry out his plan without her, made her beam with pride. She put on her cut and walked to the living room, telling Kozik what she was about to do.

He gave her a thumbs up and muttered he would watch some tv before he went to bed. His aloofness was more noticeably each day and it hurt her. Before he moved in with her they went along pretty well, but now there was always a strange tension between them. Was it still because she refused to invite Juice over? Had she insulted him?

She shook it off.  _It might have nothing to do with you._ After all, he had lost his leg, had been to a memorial today and he had just heard what had happened to Tig's daughter. Since the two were close friends for years, there was no doubt that he had known the girl too. 

* * *

Half an hour later she entered Tig's house. There was a strong cigarette smell and the place looked like there hadn't been a cleaner in months. Something told Alex that he went home very rarely – only when he wanted to be alone. 

Alex hadn't spend a lot of time with Tig and since he had ordered her to blow him at the beginning of her prospecting period, she'd never felt comfortable around him. However, her friendship with Juice had also started to grow on a moment they had both felt vulnerable. Maybe this would lead to a friendship as well. 

Tig hadn't said a word since he had opened the door. He dragged himself back to the couch, sat down with a bottle of liquor and drank from it. Alex sat down next to him. 

"Gemma sent me. She didn't want you to be alone right now."

He didn't react. She considered it as a miracle that he had responded to the doorbell at all – maybe he had hoped for someone else. 

Maybe for his daughter, so everything would turn out to be a nightmare. 

How many times had she felt that hope herself? Every time she had heard the rumble of a bike, she had thought it was Kip. Every time her phone went off, she had hoped that it was her little brother, telling her that it was all a prank. Once the pain got a hold of you, it was impossible to think rationally. Especially after a bottle of liquor and a few joints. 

For a long time Alex just sat next to him while Tig stared forward. Tears were shining in his piercing blue eyes. 

Suddenly he started to talk. "She was calling me... screamed my name... she knew it was my fault." His voice almost died away. "It was my fault. I killed her. And the smell of her burning flesh... I thought I was doing the right thing... it was never my intention to kill the girl. And now... now they grabbed my girl. My girl." He leaned back in the couch, draping his arm over his eyes. 

Alex tried to understand his rambling. If Chibs hadn't told Kozik what had happened three weeks ago, she would have had no clue what he was talking about. She had no idea if it had been Chibs' intention to catch his words, but she was just trained in catching sounds. 

Right after Clay had been shot, Tig had lost control. When it turned out to be the Niners, he had driven around the city until he had found Laroy, who was sitting at the terrace of a restaurant. He had crashed his car right into the booth, killing the man's girl. 

Who turned out to be the daughter of a infamous gangster now. 

In revenge, Pope had taken the life of the daughter of the murderer of his own kid. 

It was all so fucked up – this whole life was fucked up. 

If she was honest, she understood Pope. That however wasn't something she could tell Tig. The girl had been innocent and her own thoughts made her feel sick, but right after Kip passed away, she had felt the need to wipe out Cameron's family as well, to cause him as much pain as possible. 

Losing someone who was so close to you just destroyed you, and she was sure Tig would want his revenge as well. 

Alex sat a little more straight. The man next to her had trouble breathing, she sensed that he was close to crying. But what the hell should she tell him? Back then, Juice had killed a bunch of criminals – guys who had deserved to die. And Gemma had dealt with her grief a long time ago. But this man had just seen his daughter being burnt to death. 

There were no comforting words, it was simple as that. 

"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked after a while. "You ate something today?" Her own question made her flinch. As if he could swallow a single bite the next days. 

"Hmm..." He was still leaning back. "Maybe... you should give me a good blow. Some distraction..."

Alex froze. She was sure that he wasn't joking this time. "I'll get you a croweater. She can also –"

"No. I want you to do it. Men suck differently than women." He started to unbuckle his belt – quite clumsily because he was drunk. 

"I'm your brother, Tig," she answered annoyed. "I'm not a whore."

"That neither stopped you from sucking Juice's dick, did it?"

Alex turned her head away when he took his dick out of his pants. 

"You want your top rocker, right? My opinion is more important than that of your brown lover. And he's doing it with the whores again anyway, so he can't blame you for wanting to taste something else too. Come on boy, you wanted to help me. Don't back down. I'll put in a good word for you with the others."

She had blown Miles to stay with the club, maybe... She clenched her fingers to fists until her nails were cutting her skin. Her own thoughts were disgusting. How many times had she told Juice that she didn't want to blow her way into the club? 

"I don't need a good word," she answered through gritted teeth. "If you vote me in, it's because I'm a good Son and not because I give a good blow. If you want a man to suck your dick, I'll find you a manwhore." She wished she could just go home, but she didn't want to flee like some pussy. "You want that?"

Tig sighed. "Never mind. I just..." He stared at the ceiling, his cock still exposed. "I just wanna feel something else."

"Pop some pills. You got nothing around?"

Slowly he shook his head. 

Alex got up and walked to the other side of the room. After a moment of hesitation, she called Juice.

"Yeah?" His voice sounded bored. 

"I'm with Tig," she said in a low voice. "You got some stuff which will help him to pass out for a couple of hours?"

"Uh, yeah. You want me to bring it?"

"If you don't mind..."

She heard him sigh. "Yeah, I'll be there in a minute."

Suddenly, Tig started to cry. With leaden steps she walked back; by now she really had no idea how she could help him. Eventually she ignored her doubts and responded instinctively, even if that might be girly. She pulled him into a hug. Tears jumped in her eyes when he clung to her, murmuring inaudible words as he pressed his face to her chest. 

Alex's heart leaped in her chest, she was scared to death that he would feel her not completely flat chest. Nervously she rubbed his back until the doorbell rang. 

"I asked Juice to get you something to relax." She let go of the man and headed to the front door to let her ex in. In an attempt to hide her tears, she avoided his glance. 

Juice paid no attention to her. He walked past her, toward the living room. Halfway he stopped in his tracks and turned around, his face full of disgust. 

"I guess I interrupted a special moment?" He clenched his jaw. 

Quickly, Alex stepped closer. "He wanted me to blow him when I asked him how I could help him. I didn't do it," she whispered. "But that guy knows no shame and doesn't feel the need to pull up his pants."

Juice looked briefly at her, then he turned towards Tig and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Hey brother. I got some pills that will help you sleep. Clothe yourself again, the prospect is feeling... small."

Tig looked over his shoulder, his eyes glazing over. "Oh... hi... You're here for a threesome?"

"No Tig, I got pills. Shane will get you some water."

Quickly, Alex walked to the kitchen to fill a glass of water. She gave it to Juice, who ordered the man once again to pull up his pants. Once he had managed to do that, Juice helped him to the bedroom and returned. 

"He'll be out for a couple of hours." Juice's hands slipped into his pockets, he stood a step away from her. "I'll stay here tonight, you can go home."

"But Gemma..."

"Gemma is an Old Lady. I'm a Son and I dismiss you. Or do you  _want_  him to drop his pants again?"

She cast her glance downwards. Even though she had done nothing, she felt filthy. 

"Okay," she said quietly, wiping her eyes. 

She heard footsteps. For a moment she thought he was walking away, then she suddenly felt his arms around her. She had no idea why, but suddenly she couldn't stop crying. She held him tight, her body melting against his causing a shiver. 

"I miss you so much," she whispered. She squeezed her eyes when a paralyzing feeling traveled through her arms. 

He sighed. "That's your own choice, Alex."

"I know." She looked up to him. "I don't want this anymore. I want you back. I want to tell the others."

The look on his face didn't change, he still kept his distance. "You're emotional now, it remains to be seen if you don't change your mind tomorrow."

Alex bent her head. 

He was right, unfortunately. She had no idea how she would feel tomorrow. 

"Go to bed, Alex. Okay? You're exhausted."

She didn't want to leave, she wanted to stay with him. But she also understood why he didn't want her around and she nodded. Right before she wanted to turn around, he laid a hand against her cheek and stroked the skin with his thumb. 

As she looked up, he kissed her forehead and pulled her close again.

"I miss you too," he said softly. 

She closed her eyes. Since the moment they broke up she had felt numb, and all the emotions she felt right now were confusing her. She wanted to promise him that she wanted to go public, but she was too scared to disappoint him again. 

With slumped shoulders she turned away from him and sauntered away. 

**. . .**

**Hey all! I wanted to share my new Juice-story with you, it's called 'Roomies' and this is the blurb:**

Getting a room mate sounded like an easy way to save money. However, being stuck with the most annoying girl on the planet wasn't what Juice had in mind when he opened his apartment to what he thought was a decent and quiet young man.

**I hope you want to give it a try. (:**

 


	72. Closer Together

From the corner of her eye Mila looked at the man who was sitting next to her on the couch. They were watching an episode of The Shield, a habit they had started a few days ago. The show was rude and Mila didn't like it very much, but she enjoyed being around Kozik and she didn't care that much about the show they were watching. Actually she didn't even need to be here all the time. Kozik's rehab went well, he was a fighter and could handle himself inside the house by now.

She didn't know when exactly her feelings for him had started. It felt like it had grown slowly, and at some point she had realized that she thought a little too much about him.

"You regret moving in with Shane?" Mila asked after a while.

She knew he believed that he was a burden to the prospect, although he didn't say a lot about it. Mila however had the feeling there was more. After all, Alex wasn't the merriest roommate someone could ask for and since Juice and she were having a break  _again,_ her mood was even worse than before.

Kozik briefly glanced at her face before he aimed his attention back to the tv screen. The expression on his face told her that he wasn't watching the show; he was deep in thoughts. Hesitating, Mila laid her hand on his knee. "You can be honest with me. I know Shane isn't the most cheerful person in Charming."

Kozik bent his head and stared at her hand. Mila doubted. Should she take it away? She knew the girls in the clubhouse were quite touchy, although she was aware of the fact that she was nowhere as pretty as them. Taking her hand away however felt strange too; after all it was just a friendly gesture.

Kozik heaved a sigh and leaned back in the couch. "It's stupid."

Mila shrugged her shoulders. "We often find our own thoughts stupid."

He lifted the corner of his mouth, then a pensive frown appeared on his forehead. "Sometimes – sometimes I'm afraid that Shane has feelings for me.

Mila didn't know what she had expected – but not this. She couldn't help to laugh, way louder than she usually did. Somehow this was just hilarious and she was 100 percent sure Alex had no idea Kozik felt this way.

"Sorry," she hiccuped, wiping her eyes. Her cheeks flushed in shame; he had entrusted her with something that bothered him and all she did was laughing into his face. "Uhmm... Why's that?"

Kozik shrugged a shoulder and looked away. "Never mind."

"No!" She sat up straight. "Look I'm sorry. I don't know why I laughed; I just didn't expect this. C'mon, tell me what's on your mind Koz."

"I don't really know. There were a few times he must have thought I was asleep, and then he brushed my hair and one time he even caressed my cheek. And sometimes – he just looks at me in such a weird way. Especially now he broke up with Juice I'm afraid it's because of me."

 _Oh Alex... you're making a mess of this._ She suppressed a sigh. Apparently Alex's motherly instincts were coming to the surface now and then, especially when her sponsor didn't feel well. But how to explain that?

"Maybe he's just worried about you. He lost so many people and you're some kind of father figure to him. I can talk about it with him if you want? I know he's honest with me. It's ridiculous to feel awkward around him if it's all based on a misunderstanding."

Kozik snorted. "If you ask about it, things are only becoming weirder."

"Hey I'm a girl. I can figure things out very subtly." She elbowed his side teasingly. "He tells me everything; I was the first to know about his feelings for Juice. So take this from me: you have no reason to be worried."

"Don't you think it's rude that he shares his feelings with his ex? Especially since you were together for so long? You were together for what, five years or something?"

"Yeah..."

"Then how old are you? Since you graduated and are even at work in a hospital?"

 _Oh shoot._ If she told him she was 29, she would look like some pedophile. Because of her own feelings for him she neither wanted him to think that she was much younger than he was – ten years was more than enough – and actually she didn't want him to consider her as his brother's ex at all.

Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't think it would get Alex into trouble. "I'm 29. But um – Shane is not really my ex." She folded her hands in her lap. Oh, it would be so much easier if she could just tell him about Alex... But that wasn't up to her. "But we're friends for a couple of years. It was always a weird friendship because of the age gap. We used to live in the same neighborhood and I don't even know how our friendship started. Anyway, I knew for a while that he was gay and he was afraid that his orientation would be an obstacle to become a Son. So I suggested to pretend to be his girlfriend. But then he  _really_ fell in love..."

"You gotta be shittin' me!" He stared at her in disbelief.

"He wanted it so bad, becoming part of the club. And well... you bikers got a certain reputation. I understand why he was afraid that you wouldn't allow gay members – although you apparently already had one."

Kozik chuckled. "Yeah, guess that was a surprise for Juicy himself too."

"He's never been in a relationship," Mila said. "And combining that with the club... well that seems to be a little difficult. But – and I don't wanna be mean – I don't think he has feelings for you."

Kozik bent his head and stared at the missing part of his leg. Lost in thoughts he rubbed his knee. "It was a stupid thought." He snorted mockingly. "Nobody wants a guy with one leg."

"Hey come on, don't say shit like that. You're a great man, Koz. There are plenty of women who want you. They can't keep their hands off you, every time we visit the clubhouse."

"Only because I'm a freak. Because they find it hot to fuck a one legged guy for a change. Like I'm some fucking circus act."

"Not everybody feels that way." Mila swallowed. Should she tell him? "I don't feel that way," she said in a tiny voice.

As he turned his face towards her, she blushed. "You only say that to cheer me up."

Slowly she shook her head. "No. I only say that because I'm in love with you." She leaned into him and pressed her lips against his.

For a moment he seemed to hesitate, then his hand glided in her hair and he returned the kiss. Her lips were tingling, her heart raging. She moved her hand to his neck while deepening the kiss. No matter how often she had cursed being Shane's Old Lady – there was nothing she wanted more than being Kozik's Old Lady.

* * *

Alex's head was pounding as she put the key in the hole. What a day. Tig, Chibs and Jax had turned themselves in after an APB had been put out for them. Nobody had told her the exact reason; all she knew was that it had something to do with the death of Tig's daughter and someone had told her that there had been a shooting on the highway in which Chibs and Jax had been involved. Today the men had succeeded in arranging protection in jail, since they had only been hiding in Diosa for one day; an escort service of which the ties with the club eluded her. As if three absent Sons wasn't enough, Opie had suddenly smacked a cop in the face, where after they had put him in irons too.

Right after that Alex had been dying to go home. Clay however believed this was the perfect moment to raid the three houses. One of them was one of their own mechanics, the other was Unser and Alex had no idea who the last guy had been. The two Nomads hadn't said a lot to her. Her whole goal had been to impress them, but when it came down to it she hadn't thrown a single punch.

Maybe she was a coward, but once one of them had told her to be on the lookout she had done so. All she had done, was knocking over some stuff; she hadn't laid a finger on any of the victims. She just didn't have it in her. While the other two had jumped on their victims, it had taken her a hell of willpower not to stop them. Now she regretted overestimating herself and she felt stupid for doing this behind the back of their current president. If things  _didn't_ go according to Clay's plans she was so fucked. But it was too late to do something about it now.

She didn't believe the two Nomads cared about her conscience. After all, she was just a prospect; being the outlook was her job. The fact that Clay had ordered her to join them, was enough for them to stop teasing her with her young age.

The tv was on when she entered the living room. As soon as her eyes found the couch, she looked in surprised at Mila and Kozik who were exploring each other's mouths. It made her feel a little more happy and with a smirk she crossed her arms.

"Well, that was about time. Staying in the clubhouse until late only so one of you would finally make a move was really startin' to get boring."

She grabbed a beer from the fridge and flopped down on a chair close to the couple. Their cheeks were rosy because of their kissing and Alex had to admit it looked cute. Deep inside her the jealousy was gnawing because she wished a certain someone would be waiting in bed for her too, but she pushed it away. She was ready to make their relationship public. Since three Sons had been hiding and the others had been busy with arranging protection there hadn't been an opportunity to tell everyone today. Actually she didn't want to announce it; she rather showed the others in a more subtle way, by grabbing his hand when the others were around. But maybe she should first figure out if he still wanted her. Although he had comforted her last night, he hadn't been overly enthusiast when she had told him she wanted him back.

"Did the cops pick the guys up?" Kozik asked. Like all Sons he could effortlessly switch to club business.

"Yeah." She sighed. "But Opie went with them."

"What?" Kozik asked confused.

"Yeah. I guess he believed the four of them had a better chance."

Kozik sighed. "Whatever we do; we only seem to sinker deeper in the shit."

* * *

At the end of the next day, Kozik's words were proven to be true; the club received a phone call, telling them Opie had been killed in prison.


End file.
